by Emjay Soren
I didn’t wait for his response and I left the room as fast as I could knowing my tears were coming on at any second. If he had felt even a fraction of what I am feeling now, when he left me two years ago then it only infuriates me more. I am ready to run in there and say “fuck it! I love you Shamus James” and do my best to forget the betrayal. Knowing he didn’t bat a lash, didn’t call, text, email… nothing. It told me he wasn’t in the same kind of love as me. I would have never walked away from him back then, I would have died for him.
Now…now I needed to survive for me.
*
Shamus
Had someone told me that when I came home for my dad's final goodbye that I would end up fucking Cassa and begging her for another chance. I would have said they were nuts. Had someone told me that in a desperate attempt to forget me she would find the one man on this earth who was evil incarnate, I’d have said hell no, not my Cassa.
So, fucked up….it was all so completely fucked up. For the last two years I convinced myself I was doing the right thing by staying away. I had been the pussy, the baby. I let my dad in my head and gave him free rein to fuck my shit up. I spent two years enjoying the ride, sure. I fucked every and any girl I wanted. I had the best foods, cars, hotels all of it at my disposal. I had managed to make my career one big party with my closest friends and somewhere along the line I even patched shit up with my dad.
Through it all I had been miserable without her. I was convinced she was happy and healthy and in love with a man who wasn’t me. Believing she was happy is all that allowed me to sleep. Now I would never sleep again. I was the one who had it all and she was left barren, beaten, terrified and alone. It was always supposed to be her who was happy.
Had my father not interfered I would have run away with her at my side. I had no clue how successful I would become, but I would have taken her with me regardless the outcome. But it was my dad who met me at the door that night...
"So now you think because some big shot music guy liked a song you wrote that you are gonna be the next big thing?" He walked around the front of my Jeep placing his hand against the frame of the driver’s side door, his hands of steel, hands that I had fought against in the front yard the last Thanksgiving. "World ain't that nice to men like us Shame."
"Jesus Dad why can’t you see this is my choice, my chance to see if I really have what it takes?" I had been so quick tempered back then, that night I was ready to go another round toe to toe with the old man if he tried to stop me. "This isn’t a pipe dream, I have a shot here why can't you just believe in me for once. I have talent dad!" I gripped the wheel and kept my eyes focused on the gear shift. "How can you ask me to not try?"
"Because Shamus I worked my whole God damned life to build a small empire to leave you." My dad let the door go and spun back on his heels. "Now you’re ready to run off and leave everything I busted my ass for, behind."
"I don’t want to be a Crabber Dad, why can’t you see that?"
"It’s in your blood Shamus." He had said his voice so matter of fact, he knew what was right for me, he thought he did at least back then.
"Music is in my blood Dad that is all that courses through my veins!!" I stepped from the Jeep prepared to take him down if he stood in my way any longer. He did the last thing I expected.
"And Cassa? What about Cassa, Shamus? You can’t ask a girl that sweet to follow your dreams. What about hers?" He stepped closer knowing he had hit a nerve with me. "She has a future Shamus and I don’t think it involves following you around dive bars filled with five screaming fans and stale beer. She's better than that."
I couldn’t look at the old man, the tension between the two of us so strong the energy was turning my stomach. "Cassa knows the risk Dad, she believes in me." The words were meant to inflict pain, but dad just laughed and said the words that changed my fate.
"Yeah, do you believe in her dreams?" The old man stood firm the question changed the game.
"You have no right to stand here and ask me to leave her behind, no right to tell me I have no future, when you barely know me." I stepped up to him, nose to nose before risking it all and went for the jugular. "You realize that you have never heard me play?" I waited for him to reply but he just looked passed me. "You never noticed because you don’t care unless it involves that fucking boat." I took that final step before erupting. "LET THE FUCKER BURN I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!!!"
He clocked me in the jaw with no warning or hesitation and watched as I refused to fall. I turned my head and spit blood from my mouth because he had broken a tooth. "Fuck you!" I said with a push at his chest.
He looked at me like I grew two heads. "You leave here Shamus don’t think of coming back."
"I wouldn’t dream of it." I said and hopped in the driver seat and drove off, not once looking back. I had planned to drive to Cassa's, she was waiting and prepared, but his words rang loud and I could not ignore them. 'Do you believe in her dreams?' I did believe in her more than anything, but the truth was there were no guarantee’s and I couldn’t bare for her to resent me. At the last minute I switched course and drove head on to California leaving my girl and my dad behind.
Once I made to the apartment that we rented while we worked the local bars and produced our first album, I was greeted with an equally depressed Chad. “Where’s Cass?” He asked his attention on the TV where he was playing Call of Duty with Cal.
I didn’t respond right away, just took in the small space. It was one bedroom. We decided that because Cass was coming we would get the room and the guys would rock the rest of the apartment like a studio. There was no way I was stepping foot in that room now. I hadn't even seen it and already it was a reminder of all I left behind.
“We broke up.” I said and tossed the suitcase down at my feet and slipped the two large back packs off each shoulder letting them fall as well.
Both Cal and Chad stopped the game immediately. “Holy fuck really?” Chad said and then cringed painfully. It was the ‘holy fuck’ that reminded him of Carrie and the fact he was single now too. We were both pathetic fools.
“Yeah. Look I’ll explain later yeah?” I asked and eyed the pallet of bedding in the corner. I had driven for nineteen hours but hadn’t slept in thirty-six. I was exhausted and depressed and scared shitless of the choices I’d made.
My mom used to tell me every day before school to “have a good day and make good choices Shamus.” Fuck she would be disappointed in me now. I blamed my dad for the whole mess. He never gave a shit about my music and the need to play it. He cared about the water, the crabs and the boat and he drank like a fish in between those three things.
I don’t know if Chad or Cal said anything because I was too wrapped in my own head to notice. I grabbed a blanket and a pillow, tossing them to the floor. I lay on my back and tune out the sounds of battle and Chad and Cal talking trash to one another. I close my eyes and see her face and it feels like a knife to the skull. It physically hurts to think about her.
Every night after that I spent either drunk or fucking. I did anything I could to keep my mind free of dark brown curly hair that smelled like honeysuckle and green as envy eyes. I missed her, I loved her, and I had let her go. Not even three months later the guys finally told me she had married.
It had happened, and I finally slept. I slept because it proved the old man right. We weren’t meant to be.
Chapter Thirteen
Cassa
I walked into an apartment full of people. People who wanted answers about Shame and I. Answers I couldn’t give. It wasn’t that I didn’t love or want Shame, it was that I loved him enough to finally let it all go. He had walked away from me two years ago without a word…closure was, in fact, important and I gave us both closure this time. He could go and have his groupies and stardom and I could finally find some peace knowing we had our goodbye.
This was for the best, I knew it was even though it was shredding me. I had involved so many people when it came to my secrets and
now I had freed them all. I knew Shame was mad and hurt because he had been kept out of the loop but now I was hoping he understood it was my constant begging that kept them all silent.
I dropped my keys on the table and took a deep breath before turning to the group of friends and family in my living room. “Hey beautiful.” Chad said and took a sleeping Noelle from Carries arms when she made her way to me.
“The guys said you showed up at the studio when they were there.” Carrie wasn’t the nosy type. She would not ask me about the details of going to the studio to confront Shame. She would however find a way to make me think I wanted to open about it all. Sneaky girl our Carrie.
Little did they know I wasn’t hiding secrets anymore. “Yeah. We talked about my fears, the secrets, the anger between us both…” I trailed off when I saw Mikey roll his eyes. “What Mike? Just say it I know you’re dying to chime in here.”
My big brother was awesome. I would never pretend to be bothered by a brother who took concern to a whole new level, but Mike was also a serious gossip girl. The man loved knowing all the drama. “Well I can't just sit here and pretend like we are all not a bunch of dicks. I knew Cass, I knew every minute he was gone that he regretted it. I knew and yet I took your side and I was right to do so. I hated how he left you and I was mad as hell. But like every one of us in this room, I knew Cory was bad news and didn’t stop you. I knew if I had called Shame he would have come home and stopped you from marrying Cory.”
“Same here.” Chad said and leaned back with Noelle on his chest sleeping and sighed.
“All of us knew.” Cal said and looked at Noah who stoic, as ever nodded once.
“Not all of us.” Candy said and slapped Cal alongside the head. “Carrie and I had no idea that Shame would have come home. We pushed her to go out and fuck countless random to forget Shame. Do not categorize us as knowing. We didn’t know and as women we could have butted our pretty little heads in and saved the day.”
Carrie and I both snorted and laughed at that.
Mainly because yeah, Carrie and Candy would have nutted Shame for leaving if they thought he would have come back to me. The problem was that he never said a word to anyone about missing me…not until tonight.
“It doesn’t matter now because we have made our peace.” I say and look at them all with guilty faces and sadness in their eyes. We had all managed to hurt him and it ripped me wide open because they were willing to do it to protect me. “You guys need to talk to him though and try to sort the whole thing out.” This I said to my TAT guys…and they knew I was talking to them.
“He won't talk to us. Cal has been texting him for the last two hours trying to get him to meet with us and he won't answer.” Chad was still lying back looking at the ceiling as he spoke, his hand stroking over Noelle’s back.
“After you guys left I explained how much pressure I put on you to keep quiet. I took full blame for the entire mess.”
“Of course, you did.” Noah snarled and stared me down as he stood. “Of course, you took the blame because it’s easier to take it all on. You forget that we are adults and members of the band too. Do you think Shame would have been better off knowing the hell that went down? Even if he didn’t love you anymore Cass, he would have gone bat shit crazy knowing what you went through and he wouldn’t have been able to play and focus. We didn’t do it just for you. We did it for us as a band, for our friend who was dying fucking slowly and for the girl he left behind broken and bleeding. No offense sweets but it isn’t all your fucking fault.”
“He’s right Cass. We placed the greed of success top dead center of the whole mess.” Cal said and stood to stretch his back. “This band has been my life for a decade and it was no different when we had a chance to make it big. I took that chance just like the rest of the guys and ran with it. We all knew what was going on at home and the decision to remain quiet was easy because knowing would have robbed us of Shame and he is and will always be irreplaceable.”
“The wake is tomorrow and he’s still sorting out the pain from Jerry passing. I don’t think bombarding him now is such a good idea.” Noah looked at his sister with a little pride but clearly aggravated by her words.
“Well I sure as shit ain't sitting here and boobing about what a shitty friend I am. He’ll either hear me out or not but I’m still gonna try.” He walked to Chad first and leaned down to drop a kiss on Noelle's head before going to hug Carrie.
“Where are you going?” She asked.
“I'm going to talk to Shame, maybe let him hit me a few times.” Noah pulled me in for a hug. “Don’t get in your head beautiful. I can handle Shame. I understand the anger he’s in right now. Let me try getting through to him.”
I nodded unable to speak through the lump in my throat as my tears fell. I loved Noah Beckett and the way he stood up and took the hits as they came. He wasn’t a giant man, but he sure as hell cast a giant shadow.
“Want us to come with?” Chad asked and rose from the couch.
Noah was shaking his head no. “Let me go into the lion's den alone this round.” I knew why he was wanting to go alone. Shame knew how I confided in Noah, that Noah had done the work to hide my scars as well as Noah understanding abuse on a level Shame and the rest of TAT never could.
The guys understood why as well and nodded in agreement. Noah kissed Candy goodbye and I say kissed loosely. He basically fucked her mouth with his mouth before leaving. The two of them were so openly freaks with each other, you couldn’t help but laugh and accept it.
Noah left and our group of friends all started rummaging through cupboards looking for food.
The pigs.
“Pizza?” Carrie said and started calling in the order. I just wanted a hot bath and my bed. I had been up all night looking for Shame as well as fucking him goodbye.
“Where you going Chica?” Candy asked following me down the hall.
“I need a bath and some sleep.” I could hear the defeated and exhausted tone in my voice.
Candy nodded and pulled me in for a hug. “I love you Cass and I promise if anyone can make Shame see reason in all this garbage it’s Noah.”
I didn’t say anything because I knew she was right.
*
Shamus
I walked through the house, looking at the pictures on the wall, the dirty dishes that were still in the sink and the bottle of Jim Beam black that sat on the end table a single shot sat in the bottom of the bottle that my dad hadn’t finished. I walked to the mantle and looked at a picture still on display of Cassa and I from her senior prom.
I’m four years older than her but still agreed to go because she had wanted too and for me it was that simple. W had been going steady for a little over a year and a half and I had an underlying need that maybe she would finally have sex with me. I got the tux, I got the limo and I got laid. I smiled at the memory.
The night was ending, and I wanted to take her right there in the limo, but she was a virgin unlike me and I knew she was scared. I sat next to her my arm around her when she closed the sun roof to the limo before resting her head on my shoulder. “I want to make love Shame.” She had whispered in my ear a little drunk from the champagne. I could still hear the fear in her voice as if she were beside me now asking me again.
I looked at her a smile of victory and love when I kissed her. I had no clue how to be gentle with a virgin, my first time was with a loose girl in my ninth-grade class. So, I started with her lips and worked my way down. I slid my hand under her dress ripping a hole in her leggings to reach her clit. I knew how to please Cassa with my mouth and my fingers but now it was the big deal, no curtain calls no trial chance. This was it.
I took her to my room and laid her on the bed, stripping her of her dress and me my fifty-buck tux. Kissing her and fingering her till she was coming on my fingers I finally realized that it was really happening. Looking back, it all seemed so robotic, I was so nervous and scared of hurting her. I rolled a condom down before climbing in ne
xt to her. She pulled me on top of her and took me in her hand ready to take me in when I stopped her. “I don’t want to hurt you Sassy.”
“You love me Shame, you could never hurt me.” She pulled me towards her and I did it, slowly methodically I took from her the most precious gift a woman can give a man, and it was a damn near religious experience. In a million years I never thought I would be that lucky. I lay over her and thrust slow kissing her gently as her body stretched to take me in. She came in my arms and I followed, and it all lasted about five minutes. It was the best five minutes I had ever experienced.
I smiled at the memory, knowing I had been a fool to walk away from her, to leave my dad to take a nose dive to the bottle. I had ruined so many lives by wanting to fulfill my dream. I did and no pact with the devil would take it back, I had everything I had wanted, and it cost everyone I loved. I looked around the house remembering how this house had built me. My father painted and remodeled to surprise my mom every nail every board had built the foundation, but it was the love that was once inside that built it had made it a home.
I could see the Christmases and Thanksgivings; I could see the morning I woke on the first day of Junior high when my mom had brought me in a second hand black acoustic guitar. The same guitar I still played every day and never went anywhere without it. I loved that guitar more than my drums, I just lived and breathed my drums where my guitar was personal and if I was being honest I was nowhere near as good as Cal, Chad or Noah.
I walked down the hall and looked in my dad's room, my parent’s room. I could see my mother lying in the bed, her body frail, her skin bruised because the chemotherapy had made her immune system completely incompetent. I saw her, the shawl she wore on her head to hide her baldness, it was pink the tribal color for the cancer that was robbing her of her life, her breasts and her hair, robbing me of my mother. She would smile and say she was fine, call it a headache. I knew she would be gone before the end of the year. That was October of 1998 and she didn’t make it to Halloween.
