by Emjay Soren
Now tomorrow I would lay my dad to rest next to the woman he missed every day from the day she left. In some small way I wondered if that was when my dad decided to follow her, because the night he buried her he drowned his sorrows in a bottle of Whiskey and every day thereafter. They were now full circle, he would join her tomorrow, side by side for the rest of time.
It was poetic in a dark and beautiful sort of way.
I walked into my room. I could see Cassa lying in my twin size bed, her hair rumpled, and her skin flushed from the many times I made her come in that small bed. I saw Cassa in that room yesterday scared to death of being alone with me. Yeah no fuckin’ shit things had changed.
Now I sat alone the impact of this trip home weighing heavy on my heart. I was alone, no mother no father. Jerry was dead, and I never had the chance to tell him that he was right. I made it big sure, but Jerry was right. I left a hole in my absence, one bigger than I had been warned of. I should have been a Crabber; I would have married Cassa and had a family. My dad wouldn’t have been a drunk because I would have stopped it. I would never admit to him how badly I wanted to come home and fix it all. I wanted to fix him, fix Cassa…just like I wanted to fix my mom.
Music was in my blood, I loved the feel of my drum sticks in my hand, the way the wood felt in my hands. Hands that blistered from teaching myself to play. Hands that were now worth more than this house in gold. I reached for my black acoustic that was leaning against the wall. I looked at the posters on the wall, still there from my younger years. TOOL, Nirvana, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam all paved the way for the band.
Jerry hadn’t changed a thing and I couldn’t help but wonder if my dad missed me…as much as I missed him now.
*
Noah
I walked up the small stone trail to Jerry’s front door and knocked on the door but there was no answer, so I tried the doorbell.
No answer.
I looked at my watch, it was two in the afternoon, where the fuck did he go now? I took the keys from my pocket, keys I swiped form Cassa’s key ring knowing damn well I would break the fuck in if he didn’t agree to talk to me. I was…a natural if I do say so myself, at getting to the point. If it meant there was kicking and screaming, then so be it.
I walked in and shut the door behind me before making my way down the hall. As I headed for the bathroom I heard someone, namely Shame playing a song I recognized but not one of ours. I knew it was Shame because it wasn’t that awesome of playing. I was awesome…just saying.
I stood on the outside of his bedroom door and listened while he strummed his acoustic pausing when I heard his voice.
Shame’s voice was undeniable and easy to recognize. He had the voice of a tenor and us guys had asked numerous times for him to sing on an album. Of course, he always said no claiming that Adam Levine did a fine job creating hits as a tenor, so the world didn’t need another. Hearing him singing now, I would be sure to revisit and revise that subject when his emotions weren’t in an uproar.
The fucker could sing.
I knew by the lyrics alone and the pain in his voice that the moment was fragile, and I was being an intrusive ass by listening, but I just had to see him, had to see his face to know he was ok. Carrie and I didn’t have family accept for Seth and Lilly and it was strained anyway. We relied on each other our whole lives until we both were brought into the TAT world. Now seeing these guys hurting made me as crazy as Carrie or Candy hurting did. I couldn’t take it and wanted to fix it.
I couldn’t fix this shit though. This was time and only time.
So, I would wait here, let him work it out but I sure as fuck wasn’t leaving either. Shame was so closed off emotionally that knowing he was dying inside right now, man I couldn’t leave him hanging. I came around the corner and saw that his back was to me, the black acoustic in his lap. He wore a black bandana on his head and looked like the boy who was pumped about bringing me in for base so many years ago.
I watched his back tighten and release with each strum, the thermal shirt he wore beneath his Ramones T shirt shifting slightly. I watched his hands as they shifted, his fingers dancing over the strings letting the tune take him over, something I understood perfectly. He sang the words with conviction, his voice attaching and adapting perfectly, filled with sorrow and anger, he strummed as the melody played for his pain.
It had been so long since I had seen him play I forgot how good he was. He was way better at the drums, gifted with the drums, but the guitar was made to work through a mood. The song was so fitting to him. How Jerry would have loved this sound, to see this talent so raw and open. Fuck, I had to fight back the tears, Shame was making me a pussy right now. Each verse was like a dagger to the chest. His pain was so deep, his father gone so the boy sings to kill the pain. It was beautiful and something I could never understand. I hated my fucking dad. I knew he was singing for Jerry though.
Disarm you with a smile,
And cut you like you want me to,
Cut that little child,
Inside of me and such a part of you.
His voice roared in pain as he went into the chorus; his hand coming off the arm of the guitar to wipe at his face. Were they tears he was shedding? The chords cried from the guitar as he belted the lyrics as if they were his life force, keeping him alive he went on through his anguish.
I used to be a little boy,
So old in my shoes.
And what I chose is my choice
What’s a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you,
My love
I send this smile over to you.
I watched and listened not fearing my presence being known. I wanted him to see me and ask me to stay. Shame was alone, and it was clear as day he felt it. Fuck I wasn’t big on guilt, but I was feeling it now. We had all fucked his world up at the worst possible time of his life.
I watched as he pinched and slid on the keys as the song came to an end. I looked at his room it was the same as when he lived there. The posters and concert tickets covering the walls, and in the corner where he left them were all the pictures of him and Cassa. He stopped playing and I tried to back out of the doorway but the floor creaked and Shamus spun.
Busted.
"Hey man.” I said and felt like a complete dick. I saw his eyes were red and his cheeks flushed. It was from tears. I didn’t want to make the moment worse so without another word I turned to leave. I was dead wrong for staying and felt like a complete fucker.
“Wait.” he said his voice cracking. He shifted on the bed and set the guitar down, leaning it against the wall.
"I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I rang the bell and knocked and didn’t think you were home." I stepped into the room and stood at the foot of the bed.
He didn’t speak only cleared his voice and looked away from me, the tears not stopping. He hated that I was seeing him this way, but he couldn’t bear it alone and I got that now. He sat legs over the side of the bed, body hunched and shed tears for the old man.
I walked to the side of the bed and sat beside him. The moment I placed my hand on his back, a soothing gesture, he stiffened and turned to face me. His grey eyes were scorching, rimmed in red and glistening from tears. “Sorry man.” He said his voice hitching slightly.
“Don’t be sorry bro. I get it and we’re cool.” I said, squeezing his shoulder. “Never be sorry, this is understandable.”
“Singing…” he paused to lift the guitar back into his lap. “And playing it’s how, I deal with things like this.” He strummed a few cords on the guitar before setting it back down. “Fuck Noah, this suck’s.” He said his voice thick with pain and I could see him fighting to reason with a pain that had a hold on him.
“I can see that bro.” I asked no questions because I had no words to comfort him with and I didn’t know if it would matter anyway.
*
Shamus
“I need a beer.” I say and stand leaving my room. Noah wa
s a rock that guy. He didn’t make a big deal about what he saw from me, just hung out and let me deal. It’s what I needed. I needed to remember that we were boys for a reason. Our success was built on trust and loyalty, two things that were like air and water to Noah.
“And a tampon.” Noah said with a smile and I appreciated the joke at my expense.
“Fuck you.” I say and grab two beers from my fridge. Dad kept the place stocked that was for sure.
“Ha, you wish.” He says and takes the beer from my hand and pulls me in for one of those awkward man hugs that all dudes need from time to time but we won't admit it. That man hug said, “dude I'm sorry for being a dick.”
My return of the hug said, “Yeah douche I feel you.”
“So other than my breakdown what brings you by?” I take a seat on the couch and look anywhere but at Noah.
“You know why jackass. Don’t play stupid.”
See.
“Yeah I figure we drop it and we’re cool. I’m pissed for sure, but I’ll get over it.” I swig from my beer and lean back grabbing the remote, but Noah wasn’t having it.
“Will you really?” He asks and leans forward swiping the remote before I could get the TV on. “Will you really be able to get over it without knowing our side?”
I scoff at the caring tone. Maybe it's because of the emotional display before but whatever it is I need to be cool here. “I have no choice Noah. I left everyone I loved behind and they fell apart without me. Cassa almost died but fuck man, my dad did die. I sacrificed everything to be where I am today so yeah, not about to throw it all away now.”
Apparently, that sounded way bad because Noah went from cool to pissed. “So, what, we’re good enough to be forgiven because God forbid your career would take? It wouldn’t bro, your fucking good and maybe the best in the industry. You’d be fine without us so feel free to bale if that’s what you need but do it like a man.”
“Well explain it away then because it’s sketchy dude. Way sketchy.” All the anger back up to the surface I waited.
“Gladly.” He said with a smirk and leaned back, crossing his ankle over his knee and drinking his beer. “We were the greedy fools Shame. We kept her secrets sure, but we weren’t as fucking loyal to Cass as you think. We didn’t want to lose you because we all knew you would be back here in the blink of an eye. We also knew that if you did stay, you would be half of the drummer as you are now because your mind would be here where your heart is.”
I roughly slapped my beer down on the table and leaned forward. “And you think it won’t be that way now? I could have separated work and home, fucking Chad and Carrie do it and have been since we started.”
Noah laughed a knowing dark laugh. “Carrie and Chad are not and will never be you and Cass. Carrie is a fit throwing ball of crazy and Chad gets off on it and that works for them. You and Cass have a lifetime on those two. You don’t fight like they do because you know all the ticks about the other. You both know the easiest ways to hurt each other and the same goes for making the other feel like a million bucks.” He swigged from his beer again before looking at me. “What we did was for her and her frame of mind sure, but it was for everyone involved that we finally agreed, and we did it kicking and screaming. If you chose to leave TAT behind and stay to fight for Cass I know you Shame and you will regret it. You need to find a happy medium that keeps you making music and Cassa waiting for you and supporting you.”
It was my turn to laugh. Noah didn’t know about the brush off I got from Cassa today. There was no future for us. “Is that what you and Candy do? Find a happy medium?”
He seemed to think on it, but that was Noah. He thought hard before he said anything. A lifetime of watching your ‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’ will do that. “Candy and I are like a life raft in the middle of a deserted sea. One minute I’m the raft and she’s the sea swallowing me whole…other times and often she’s the life raft and I’m the sea. We make as much sense as a chimp and a duck dude but it’s what gets us both off. Turmoil anger and lust shared between kindred souls is okay.” The way he could sale that and make it sound like something beautiful was amazing.
“Think about marrying her one day?” I ask, and I have no idea how the conversation changed but I was curious if Noah could ever bend that much.
Again, he was silent, but I could see him lost in thought. “I don’t know about marriage. I see the happy ones the lucky ones like Mike and Ron or my aunt and uncle and I think Carrie and Chad will be like that. But then I think of the ugly side too. My mom hated my dad, she despised him, and I know it was coming soon that she would bail. I had only hoped she would take me and Carrie with her when she did.”
This was a shock. Noah for one ever talked about his parents, let alone his mom. He and Carrie both spoke like they were Adam and Eve, parentless and alone in the world. “I didn’t know you remembered your mom much.”
He shrugged. “I never tell anyone anything about her so zip it yeah?”
I nod because I'm not Mike and gossip is like a root canal. “duh.”
“I never told Carrie how mom hated him. I figured she had been through enough shit her life that she didn’t need a whole new reason to hate the almighty. She doesn’t need to question if mom hadn’t died would we have been safe? Would our lives be different? That shit eats at people and it would destroy Carrie.”
“What about you does it eat at you?”
He shakes his head no and drinks from his beer. “No, I’m a realist and see things at face value. She’s dead and there ain't a fucking thing anyone can change so it’s about dealing.”
I nod but don’t say more on it because Noah has clearly trotted enough down memory lane.
“So, what’s the decision? You fighting for her or bailing again?”
“I’ll figure it out.” I say and stand to leave. “This house is too much. I miss home. I need to get out of here and the memories that plague me here. I’m headed to the house in Gig tonight but just want to be left alone.”
I didn’t stay to wait on the reply as I swiped the keys to my dad's truck off the counter. “Lock up yeah?” I ask and leave him behind. Leave it all behind. I hadn’t changed, I was still running away even if I was running home.
Chapter Fourteen
Cassa
It was dark, and I was on Mike and Ron’s shit list again but didn’t care. Noah showed up an hour ago telling me in private about his talk with Shame. When he told me that Shame was heading to Gig and wanted privacy…well I guess I didn’t really care.
Anything was an excuse to get away from Mikey and his lectures. The first free chance he had to attack he did. “Why didn’t you go to the parole hearing Cassa?” After Noah had left everyone sort of scattered out the door except for Mike and Ron. I was hoping in the heat of everything else that Mike would have forgotten. I wasn’t so lucky.
“Because.” I knew he would hate my answer, but it was all I was giving him tonight.
“Do not because me Cassa Rae. I deserve to know why the victim, the one who has the most power couldn’t be bothered with showing up to keep her attacker in jail.”
I wanted to pull my hair out. I know he is concerned. I know everyone is, but I also know that I live and breathe that world day in and day out. I didn’t want to see his face just after seeing Shame. “Because there is no point in going to them Mike. Good behavior or not my being scared and admitting that in front of a parole board is not gonna happen. Cory took enough from me, I won’t go beg to keep him away, so I can sleep another night. If you can’t understand that then I can’t force you to see it.”
The argument only progressed until I finally stormed out of my own house and started driving. So many times, after a fight with Cory I would drive and clear my mind, always heading to the same place.
Gig Harbor.
I knew Shame was there tonight and I knew that the Gig house held more memories of us than of his life with Jerry. He went to Gig to be closer to me. It may have been my emotions or the
desperation that Shame always brought out in me, but either way it was what I believed and that was where I was going. He had been back less than two days and already I was jonsing for him. Visions of him inside of me last night flashed through my mind. I was a fool to run head first into the arms… or the wall… of the one man who could break me, but I am and will forever be a masochist.
I liked the pain that was Shame. It was like an addiction pining for him and right now in this moment I know he wouldn’t turn me away. He would welcome me, comfort me and take it all away. I was selfish seeking his comfort. He lost his father and here I was crying over things I couldn’t change. I didn’t deserve Shame tonight. He was raw and hurting and I knew that in that state he would welcome me.
By the time I came to the driveway of Shames house my nerves had kicked in. Part of me wanted to run, drive back home and get shitty drunk until I fell asleep. The other was to beat the door down begging him to bring me back to life again.
I was parked along the curb trying to figure out which insane side of my brain would win, the front door opened and, in the doorway, stood a shirtless Shamus in jeans and bare feet. It was freezing out and him without a shirt meant he was inside working. I started to question if I should just leave and not interrupt when Shame smiled the sexiest smirk and curled his finger at me telling me to ‘come here.’
The decision was made.
*
