by Emjay Soren
"I have waited forever to be in you like this." I choked on my words. I had never in my life felt more connected to another soul as I did right then with Cassa.
This was home.
*
Cassa
I moaned at the invasion, from this position he was far deeper than I had ever imagined a man could be. I moaned as he started to thrust into me, his cock so hard and warm, his skin silky smooth. He was perfect above me, nothing at all like remembered him. Shamus was a man too busy blaming himself about leaving he refuses to see the side of forgiveness.
“I have never… fuck Sassy…I’ve never felt this…so good baby.” I knew he was getting the point across but there was so much more to what he was saying. This was a first for him and it was me that received the gift. His life in the spotlight would forever rob him of moments like this if he would just open his eyes and see the gift he was giving me. I gave him my first time and I never regretted it. To Shamus, no condom was as virginal as he had ever been with me. This was my gift from him. “Fuck baby, I’m deep and your wet…I’m dying here Cassa.”
With every thrust I couldn’t hold back. My nails down his back, my teeth digging into his bottom lip. He would just pull me tighter and press into me harder. He was reckless above me, completely beyond grasping his control but it was everything that making love with Shamus was, only this time it was more….nothing between us. Our secrets were laid bare as our bodies were now. The thought of being so complete with him sent me flying.
"Shame!" I cried out feeling my orgasm crest, just seconds from that shattering moment that would make my head spin.
"I have waited forever to feel you bare baby, I need to see your face when I fill you up." Shamus pushed inside of me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His chest wet with sweat he pumped hard and fast rocking the bed against the wall. Shamus came back on his heels, grabbing me by my hips lifting me from the mattress and up over his thighs so I was straddling him. “Come for me Sass.”
The position, his words and his mouth against my neck as he pressed me up tight so he was deep…I did as he asked.
“Fuck I feel you baby, every inch of me inside you, fucking you. Damn baby I feel you. Now, give me it Cassa, come baby.”
I screamed his name and cursed as I came, each of his thrusts shooting my orgasm to newer and greater heights. I was begging incoherently when he started praising me for how tight I got.
He lay me back down against the mattress and straitened one of my legs between his and the other he wrapped around his hip. He pushed in deep and held himself there when he looked down to me savoring the feel of his cock deep inside. I bit my lower lip as he came at my mouth devouring my tongue and lips as he thrust fast in short strides, his body tensed and then… "oh God Cassa." He erupted in a frenzy of emotion, his cock spilling inside of me, marking me.
Shamus draped his body over mine once we had our fill, both of us wet with sweat and sex; exhausted by the mind-blowing sex that broke us both wide open and healed the hurt.
His breath was ragged as he nuzzled his face to my neck before moving his lips along my jaw and lips whispering faint as he went…"I’m still in love with you Cassa."
Chapter Fifteen
Cassa
I stepped into the shower where Shamus was waiting. He stood before me naked, his body a blessed gift. He was lean and tall but so defined. I watched as he lathered the soap over his chest and then down, down, down…gloriously down. Lord the man had me ready to go again. He had officially ended my dry spell with last night's unbelievable sex. It wasn’t just sex though, that was more than anything we have ever shared before. The silence, then the pleading. God, the look in his eyes when he told me he was raw… I could see the rawness in him still. He had exposed everything to me last night…confessed everything. Jerry's wake was in a little over an hour and I had to get ready, but I wouldn’t be brushing his late-night confession under the rug. There could be no more secrets, even small ones, between Shame and me. He turned his body to the spray as the suds rinsed down the drain and once again I lost my train of thought while staring down every single bead of water lucky enough to touch him.
Unable to control the beast inside me that he had awoken, I sidled up close to his body, pressing my breasts into his back I reached around and clasped my hands on his stomach. I placed a gentle kiss between his shoulder blades before resting my cheek to his skin. Fuck he smelled good and the water on his skin tasted like ambrosia. Suddenly I had no fear, no rules I felt like we needed to follow. The Cassa that Shamus remembered would say what was on her mind. I am still that girl, I still want to say things I just stop myself out of fear. I had no fear right now though. This is Shamus and even though he left me, I know now for whatever reason he did it because he loved me.
Twisted I know, but he had yet to explain his reasons. He was dealing with enough right now and my need to know something else was jumping to the head of the “I’ll ask Shame later” list.
"Love me ha?" I said knowing he would smile. I let my fingers tickle along the arch that I knew was above his belly button and waited for his reply.
"Yeah I always have though. I just realized that it needed to be said."
"Well I don’t think there is much speculation here but just in case, I love you too. I never stopped." I felt the need to explain myself to him. I was married for the longest year of my life and he deserved to know it was him I was trying to forget.
"I know it seems like I stopped loving you Shame but really I was trying to move on, I did the best I could have in my situation. I swear not a single day went by that I didn’t long to hear your voice or pray you would come save me. I knew the chances were next to impossible, but it doesn’t change how I longed for you." He had turned to face me when I said I loved him and the small sad smile on his lips told me everything I didn’t say he knew anyway. “I lost myself in the process of trying to hang on to you. What I went through…” I bit my lip and turned my face ashamed of what he would see in my eyes. His fingers grasped my wet chin as he lifted my face. I kept my eyes closed trying to keep my tears in. “Stop…” I whispered on a cry before I felt his lips drop a sweet kiss to each closed lid.
“Look at me baby.” He whispered, his hand had been on my hip but was now stroking along the center of my back. “Please baby. Look at me, see me.”
When I looked up I saw that same chiseled jaw, the high cheekbones and cupids bow mouth. His eyes were dark and glazed over with emotion. “I won’t leave you again baby. I’ll never walk away from you again. There is nothing that you could ever do to make me leave. You can fight me and scream and yell, baby, you could hate me and I’m still never leaving you again. I don’t think you understand the gift you gave me showing up here. I know you crawled out of hell Cassa, on broken and bloody knees. I know I wasn’t here to keep that fate from finding you and that’s something I need to come to terms with. I will babe, in time. Right now, though…” He trailed off when he pulled me in close pressing our chests together. His chin rested atop of my head where we stayed for a few precious seconds. He kissed the crown of my head and pulled back enough to look at me once again. “Right now, I need you babe, to hold my hand and help me say goodbye to my dad.”
Tears rolled with abandon from my lids when he said those words. I loved Jerry deeply but no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t my father. I buried my parents at a young age, my baby brother too and that pain is a dull knife that just keeps cutting with no closure in sight. Shame admitting to needing…anything emotionally was an enormous gift. One I had always cherished. “I’ll be right beside you as long as you need me to be.” I meant those words as if my hand were resting on the Holy Bible.
“Forever baby. I’ll always need you Sassy.”
I didn’t want the moment to end, but the water was getting cooler by the second and we needed to get ready for the wake. Shame handed me the loofa and his body wash, Axe, of course and I rolled my eyes. “I need to shower in my girly stuff Shame. I
am not going to your dads wake smelling like-“ I read the bottle and gave an even deeper eye roll- “Phoenix. Really?”
He shrugged and smiled his everyday cocky grin that made me weak. “It smells good and it’s a deodorant too. I sweat a lot baby.”
I laughed and used a small amount to get clean. I watched as he squeezed a glob on his hand and scrubbed it over his barely their hair.
"What’s with the shaved do here Shame?" I had wondered why he shaved it so close to nothing was left.
"I'm a rock star baby, this is rock star hair." He said it with that damn wink that I hated because all the girls loved it… even though it brought me to my knees.
"That is still so crazy Shame. You are a rock star. You made your dream come true." I smiled.
"It’s definitely unbelievable. I still feel like I need to pinch myself sometimes." He turned the water off and stepped from the shower, before grabbing a towel and helping me out of the tub and bundling me against his chest. "I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of us.”
Us was the label and management team as well as the guys personal security and roadies. From what Chad and Noah had told me, TAT was now a big ass family of rockers. “Candy talks non-stop about Drake.” I said referring to the guy’s head of security. Knowing he was bound by contract to give Shame any details he wanted or needed meant I hadn’t wanted to meet him.
“Yeah, we all know, and it pisses Noah off. He tolerates Drake but Noah being Noah, he treats him like a bitch and refuses his services.” Shame put paste on his tooth brush and started brushing his teeth while digging in a drawer until he found a brand-new brush and handed it to me. Spitting he looked at me, “Brush away baby.”
I didn’t want to know why he had extra new brushes hanging around, but I assumed it was for his hometown visits with fangirls like Brit. “Get out of your head baby. I know what you’re thinking and your right, but the only tooth brushes in here from now on are ‘ours’. Capiche?”
I blushed like a complete dork. “Capiche.” I replied and started brushing my teeth. This felt normal and I really liked normal. “So, when will I meet them all?” I asked through my own mouth of foam, biting back a smile at the normal joy most people experience daily.
"Tonight. They flew in this morning and are coming to the wake to pay their respects. They all knew him and respected him." A sadness crept back in behind his eyes that I caught before it flashed away as quickly as it came.
"Jerry would have liked that. He loved making new friends." I watched him nod along to my words, but I don’t think he felt them. "So, when do you go back?" I asked the inevitable question that I needed to know but also one that wouldn’t bring that lost look in his eyes.
"We find out tonight. Tayla our manager will have the PR dates tonight but most the trips are short, and it only lasts about three months." He was immediately more comfortable as he turned and opened the medicine cabinet and took out his shaving kit. "Drew is my PR Rep and before we even leave he lines up all the appearances. Letterman, and this year he booked us for Ellen." He watched me through the mirror as I brushed my hair and the smile on his lips told me he liked normal too.
I however was completely fangirling at the thought of Shame hanging with Ellen. Wanting to play it cool and flip out about it at home in the privacy of my room and Candy and Carrie to scream with, I went on as if unfazed by the awesomeness of that.
"So how long do the tours go for?" I didn’t want to be a sour puss but after two years of no Shamus, I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, I wanted time....more time to be his again. Time to be me again.
He caught the sadness when I spoke, I could see it in his eyes and the way he set his razor down and wiped his face off. He stepped behind me and slid his arms against my tummy. "Hey,” he whispered and nuzzled into my neck. “I will fly you to me when you’re free and I will be back here in between appearances." He held my gaze, both of us looking in the mirror.
"I just… I'm not ready to let you go yet." I choked on the words while trying to hold back my tears.
"Why don’t we wait until tonight and see what the dates are before we start missing each other okay?" He kissed my lips softly and cupped my cheek. “Besides he knows that Carrie is in wedding mode so none of the trips will be crazy long, so Chad can be here to chill her out.” He laughed, and I did too knowing Carrie was stressed to her max knowing the wedding was so soon.
I smiled and let him think I was comforted but I feared my happiness would be short lived.
Chapter Sixteen
Cassa
I walked into the bar and waited for Shamus. We drove separately because Shamus went to meet the guys in Seattle to try to mend the wounds I forced on them. I spotted Carrie, Candy and Roni and Mike all sitting at the table by the stage. Howie's was run down and most of the tables had seen better days, the chairs too. The walls were lined with various sports memorabilia as well as local fisherman photos and trinkets. Shame had paid to hold the wake here offering Howie the money he needed to fix the place up. Howie refused to charge for the renting of the bar. He like most the town of Gig Harbor had loved Jerry. The place was packed tonight, and security had been called in to help manage the chaos.
My main issue with fangirls and even some fan guys, was that they didn’t know their place. Shame shouldn’t have to worry about the fans bombarding him as he gives his dad a farewell. News had broken that Shamus James dad had passed away and there had been a line of paparazzi and fans outside Howie's since last night.
Making the chaos worse was word that the guys would be playing in honor of Jerry and everyone wanted a free show. They were all leeches. I didn’t care if they made Shame and the guys rich by buying the albums. Everyone deserved peace and quiet when they were grieving. The guys ‘die hard’ fans didn’t give a fuck who was hurting, not at the chance of a picture, a touch or an autograph that they could brag about on Facebook or twitter later.
“Can you believe this shit?” I ask the girls and look around the almost packed bar. The best thing about small towns is everyone knows everyone, so at least the faces in the bar were friendly.
“Yeah sweetie, we can.” Candy said and sipped from some fruity froo froo drink. “We have seen it everywhere they go.” Carrie nodded in agreement and Roni just shrugged. Unlike me, they have seen the scene before and have been living it alongside Noah and Chad since the day they made it big. I always changed the channel when TAT was on the TV. I never read magazines or read up on the news online. If it had involved TAT, IE: Shamus, then I ignored it. If it was big news or congratulatory then Candy and Carrie filled me in. I had stayed far away from any information on them, even though they were my very family and a part of my daily life.
I never claimed to make the right choices or that the ones I did make sense.
Carrie was twisting the napkin in her hands waiting for Chad to make his way inside. “I hate when it’s hyped up like this.” She said as I took a seat beside her.
“It’s ridiculous.” I agreed.
“I think it’s kind of amazing though.”
“Carrie, he deserves to mourn with family and friends, not the world. Some shit needs to be sacred.” I would stand by that and not yield. Some things were simply private.
“I agree. But Cass, they gave up the right to piss and moan about it when they decided to become stars.” Roni leaned forward and reached for my hand, but I moved not wanting to acknowledge her. My attention was on Carrie. “I do agree that privacy and respect should be given, but for them it involves security and the fact that even though those fans aren’t inside, they know damn well that the guys are and that what is taking place is private. Someone will talk to the press, another someone will take pictures and sell them and like all the other private and personal moments these guys have, will be plastered on TMZ and Us magazine by the weekend’s end.”
Before I could reply with something along the lines of “That’s bullshit” Carrie’s phone started ringing. Candy had turned in her chair to ta
lk to one of Jerry’s friends and that left me with Mike and Roni who were both salivating to know what happened after I left last night. They must not remember that I am still mad at them right now.
. I would not be lectured tonight either and I would not waste a second of Jerry's wake on my worthless insane ex. Maybe I was a fool, maybe I should always fear him, but in the end, Shamus had made me feel free for the first time and it was a feeling I wasn’t in a hurry to step away from.
I caught Roni looking at me, her earlier glee replaced now with sadness from my silence and the cold shoulder. I looked at Mike, who was still pissed, and I rolled my eyes. Roni was a different story, though. She was the captain of the cheerleaders for life and happiness and all things good. Seeing her sad and worried broke my hearts. I looked at Roni and that simple look spoke volumes and it all became water under the bridge. I walked to the opposite side of the table and hugged her close. "I refuse to talk about this. I know you guys care and love me, but it is my life and I won’t be bullied any longer. I love you both and I am dropping it ok."
"Sure Sass, whatever." But Mike said he was angry and he would have to deal with it. Roni hugged me tight and reassured me how much Mike loved me and his concern… blah. I know it already, but I bite my tongue.
A swarm of headlights… and then a swarm of screaming women started chanting TAT and I knew my boys had arrived. A dozen flashes started going off and then the swarm of people were in hysterics. I followed Mike and Howie to the door and my heart stopped. Stepping out of the limo was Shamus. His head was covered by his Fox sports hoodie and jeans with a pair of dark sunglasses over his eyes and a sports coat… to dress it up. He looked a mixture of sexy and sad but managed to make it look flawless and all Rock star. He walked quickly stopping every five or so people to sign autographs before reaching the door. Behind him were the guys who let Shame lead the way. He was usually the straggler, the guy behind the rest, but tonight the guys were at his back and the symbolism wasn’t lost on me.
