TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  I walk away from the podium and go to Tayla. No questions Tay. I barely got through that, and that was more than enough.”

  I walk to Cassa and let her wrap around me, though she is so small, she is my rock and I need her right now. Tayla doesn’t fight me on the choice to leave without questions, and I stand beside Cassa, out of view and am joined by Chad, Mike and Roni and Cal to watch Tayla wrap up so we can all get back inside to Carrie and Noah.

  “Sorry to cut this short, but this has been hard on my guys and they aren’t ready for questions.” You would never guess that she was as affected as us in this. She looked the part of the cut throat manager and she gave that to the press and dared them to argue. One prick wouldn’t let it go though.

  “Well they take that chance being in the public eye. It’s their job to be in the spot life whether life is hard or not. Their fans, who are devoted, deserve more than a few words of thanks and his opinion.”

  Tayla, calm and cool, smiled for the thousand flashes going off. What she said though…was epic. “Opinion or not, he had the decency to come down here and look you all in the face and thank you, providing enough information that their fans will understand. TAT is loved sir. They have a huge following of loud proud fans and they are loyal. The loyalty of those fans has little to do with the music they make, but more so the type of men they are and how they are with their fans. They interact, they never deny autographs or complain about pictures or greeting fans after a thirty-hour flight and six months away from home. All their personal lives have played out to the world because they give one hundred percent of them as people one hundred percent of the time. The deserve peace and respect right now…” She pauses to get a good look at the douche bag who called us out. “Paul is it? From Rock N Roll news? I’ll be sure to give Simon Lake, your employer, a call and the scoop when it’s readily available. I think it’s more than a little fair to ask for some personal time, don’t you?” She asks and the crowd, all the way in the back where the fans are, scream and chant ‘TAT forever’ as Tayla leaves the podium.

  We all make our way up to ICU where Carrie and Noah are waiting. I feel that beehive come back to my chest, unable to forget his eyes when he woke up. The pleading that came from every fiber of his being…his eyes on me…

  “Hey.” I say and see him panic some at the sight of the tube down his throat. He goes to reach for it, but I stop him and shake my head. “Cal went to get the nurse, just chill a sec yeah?”

  I watch…literally watch as his eyes scan the room. Slowly he takes in the flowers, the various food containers from all of us being in and out and then those sad eyes land on me and I watch him realize it all was real. I know he knows because he shakes his head no and looks at me with a pleading look. He is begging me to tell him he was dreaming. I want to lie so bad right now because I can’t be the one that essentially confirms his worst nightmare. I am reminded of all the times over the last few months that Noah told me true, no matter how bad it hurt or gutted me to know I was wrong. Gutted me to know he had my girls back in her darkest hours. I could not lie to him.

  I sit down and pull close and take his hand in mine because I need him to feel connection to all he has fighting for him. In this moment I am TAT, Carrie, Noelle and every damn fan praying for him.

  “I don’t know what you’re thinking Noah, but I can guess.”

  He shakes his head no so rapidly that the tubes sending oxygen through his nose slips free and gets tangled in the tube down his throat. I can hear him trying to wail and fight me and I am so fucking wrecked right now it is hard to look at him.

  But I do.

  I look him square in the eyes, eyes that are crying, wet and red and I watch him losing the control he so desperately needs to survive.

  “I’m so sorry Noah.” I say and feel tears fall from my own eyes and for the first time in my life I am not ashamed. “It’s true bud I’m so fucking sorry.”

  I hear him crying out and it is broken and sounds painful because of the ventilation tube. His hands are going to his chest and I know it must hurt to cry with the trifecta of surgeries he has undergone. But though he feels the physical he is only concerned by the mental fuck he is getting to know she is gone.

  I’m snapped from the memory as we follow Chad into the room, but we all kind of shuffle into one another because he stops abruptly at Carrie’s words.

  “Hold on a minute babe.” She says, and like before, I tune out everything else and watch Noah. His heart is beating but he is dead. Rotting from the inside out and everyone else is refusing to acknowledge it, because we all know he won’t be back.

  “No, we are all going to do this round.” Chad says in a tone I have never heard him use before with Carrie. He isn’t leaving room for argument and I have no clue what we are all about to do. “This is a family feud round.”

  The only game I can think of that any of us would play at a time like this makes my stomach sink, but I pull Cass in tight and sit her on my lap and take a seat on the left side of his bed.

  Cal and Tayla as well as Seth and Lilly are surrounding the bed, and Carrie is holding his hand. “So…” She says and her voice cracks. “In this world…” She shakes her head and wipes at her tears. “Cans is here, sitting beside you with your hand in hers…and you awake from this awful nightmare where she left you…”

  Trust me.

  We are playing trust me, the game Noah invented when they were too small to understand the evil they survived and would live in for years.

  I admit that it was genius on Noah’s part inventing this game, but right now it is too hard and think of a world where Candey isn’t gone. It’s music that I think of as Noah stares off at the window like she isn’t talking. I know as does everyone else, that he is hanging on to every word she is saying.

  I’m singing songs in my head, trying to place all this fucked up shit in its place in my mind. Joshua James ‘Crash this Train’ comes to mind and it is fitting.

  Someone, God or anyone crash this train. This is suffering to the N’th degree.

  Sass takes my left hand and opens my palm, using her finger to write ‘I <3 U’ on the inside then touches the spot where my wedding ring should be, reminding me that I’m lucky…and he is destroyed.

  Like earlier, his suffering undoes me, and I feel tears fill my eyes, unashamed because everyone in this room except Noah is dripping tears. Even Cal keeps looking up at the ceiling as tears slip down his cheeks.

  This isn’t just the loss of the woman we all loved as a sister but it’s the loss of my hero Noah.

  My hero and the strongest man I know is nothing more but a shadow. I think of everything he has overcome… and this is what will break him.

  “She is forcing you to dance right now, to the dreaded country song playing in the tent…”

  I look at Carrie, fighting for him with every word when Noah pulls his hand from hers and tries to sit up. The room goes eerily silent.

  “No more.” He says, his voice is almost unrecognizable and I’m guessing it’s the damage from earlier.

  A collective, silent sigh is felt through the room, all relieved that we are done playing trust me. That shit is brutal, and I know it’s all about protecting the mind from the truth… I see the truth as the only thing that has a shot at saving him. It’s what will force him to move forward. Not on, he’ll never move on, but life does, and that game played where she is alive, well, it isn’t the way. “Can I have a minute?” He asks and we all nod, no one is talking through our tears. Cassa and Tay both go to Carrie and stand at her side because this had to have wrecked her. Cassa had been crazy close with Candey after being friends, then roommates…but to Carrie, well Candey had helped alongside Noah before they had even fallen in love, helped bring her out of that damn shell. This game had to have ripped her to shreds.

  I watch Cas then Tay lean down and kiss him, Cass on the cheek and Tayla on his head. Noah was never one to ignore these girls, he was the protector of them all, of us all, and he look
ed numb, like he didn’t notice that they were there.

  I go to the door after Cass moves to leave when I hear that painful voice. “Shame stay a minute yeah?”

  I haul and kiss Cassa quickly and then nod. “Sure man.” I play it cool because he doesn’t need me being a doter. He has enough doters. I take my seat and assume he will have Cal and Chad stay too…but as the room clears out other than Carrie…I’m confused but also concerned.

  “Go home Carrie.” He says to her, and for a small second, I saw the flash of his soul in his eyes, the big brother in him reaching out to her knowing he is the only person who she will listen too no matter what.

  “No. I was there earlier. Mike and Ron have Noelle-“

  He cut her off. “No go home. Take a bath, drink some wine, hold your baby and get some sleep. I’m here for a week at least, I’m not going anywhere. Go.”

  It is the first time that I have heard him talk to her without that tone of love in his voice and it saddens me because of the fierce bond between them.

  She knows him better than anyone though and nods, hugging him then me before looking back at the door. “I’ll be back in the morning.”

  He just nods, and Carrie bows her head, defeated and leaves the room.

  Just us now…

  I sit there in a comfortable, but worried silence. My arms are folded over my chest and I make it clear I’ll kick it all night if I gotta, until he is ready to talk or whatever, and I do as him and stare out the window knowing what it looks like down there.

  “There are fans fucking everywhere, down the block and across the street.” I say, and I don’t know why I chose to tell him, but I’m glad I did because an almost smile comes over his face.

  “Press conference go okay?” He asks, and I nod but still say yeah. Don’t know why I’m who he wants if we are going to talk about work…kinda more Cal’s thing. Right now, I could care less about work, but Cal, even during devastation, Cal was built to fight for the dream.

  It’s silent again and I’m okay with that. Maybe I’m the easiest one to be around. Carrie and Chad are both equally tattered over this, Cal would be like an ADHD kid without his meds if he had stuck around…I’m the chill one.

  So, we sit, looking out the window, listening to the blood pressure cuff as it goes off every twenty minutes. We sit as nurses come in and check the machines and mark their charts, making sure he is okay.

  It’s one nurse though, must have been new because she comes in in bright pink scrubs with fucking Hello Kitty on them. She is smiling like it’s fucking Christmas and asking us how we are. “My name is Tiffany, I’m just here to pop in and make sure you aren’t hungry or thirsty.” She is looking at us both with big smiles, Noah is ignoring her bright and bubbly stare, and I see sweet Tiffany keep that smile in place before looking at me.

  I am holding back the laughter at this sweet pea trying to bring a positive vibe, because she isn’t picking up the fact this room is dark, and that darkness isn’t going away anytime soon. She is still staring at me, like those creepy marionettes that smile like serial killers, and it’s getting disturbing. I shift and break the eye contact and lean forward. “I think he’s okay Hun.” I keep my voice down and look to Noah hoping she’ll get the hint he doesn’t want her here.

  But Tiffany isn’t catching on and damn it, but this little thing probably hasn’t read the chart to know what he has been through, and that in and out is the ticket for patient Beckett. “Awe, c’mon not even an ice-cold apple juice?” She says in that sickly-sweet voice that couldn’t be fake if she tried. No, this girl was all sugar and not a speck of spice. Almost felt bad for her.

  Almost.

  But my boy needed to see there was still some life inside of him and I hoped like fuck this never got back to Cassa. I let the swagger of wealth and attention take over and looked at little Hello Kitty Tiff and winked before licking my lips and stared her down, lust and nasty hard-core fucking in my eyes. She went pale and dropped the smile.

  Poor girl didn’t know what or who I was and was in no way equipped to handle it. I was about to make it worse. “How about you come over here pretty thing, sit on my lap and tell me more about this ice-cold juice.”

  I wink again for good measure. Noah heard that tone of voice, the same one I used for the two years I was without Sass on any groupie willing to suck my dick. He looked shocked out of his mind.

  Good, fucker needed to remember there were still good times.

  “Um…its, uh, juice.” She says stumbling over her words and it’s taking everything for me to not bust up laughing.

  I moan slightly and lean back, dropping my ankle over my knee and adjust myself…between my legs. “Mmmm I love juice. But I like it hot and wet. Think you could get me some hot wet juice Tiffany?”

  She is such a dark pink that even her scrubs blend in to her blush. But it’s Noah watching me in complete horrified fascination that I was hoping for. I uncross my leg and stand, but I keep my hands tucked in my pockets and drop the mask of a Rockstar and once again I’m a fisherman’s boy chilling with my broken best friend.

  “Sorry my manners suck. We’re good Tiff. Run along little kitty. Just run right along.”

  She didn’t hesitate and booked ass out of that room like she was on fire and running to water. Only then did I turn to look at Noah, as if nothing happened.

  “What the fuck was that?” He asked, confused as hell and maybe a little pissed thinking of Cassa’s feelings in this. Exactly like I knew he would be. Noah wasn’t gone, he was just out of town and that meant the world to me.

  “Oh, come on. Her smile and the scent of innocent pussy could not be passed up.” He was still watching me, so made like I was going to the door. “Unless you want some ‘ ice cold apple juice?’ I say and do so in a feminine high pitch voice and look at him pointedly.

  “Asshole.” He says but even though he isn’t smiling I see the spark of laughter in his eyes.

  I then let lose my laughter and walk back to the chair, still laughing. “Come on, that was funny and the mood, though I get it, was too fucking depressing. You need to laugh.”

  He looks at me, no emotion on his face but that spark is still there in his green eyes. “Well I’m sorry I can’t entertain the thought.” He says, and I feel like a dick. I cup my hands over my face and lean back in the chair stretching because I had tried and failed. Then I feel something soft but big hit me in the head, startling me as I sit up…and see the pillow drop to the floor.

  I know that he threw it and I am careful here. Very careful. But I go with instinct.

  I bend down and lift the pillow and hold it up and look at him. “Drop this?” I ask and hold my tone.

  Noah takes the pillow and drops it on his stomach. “Yep.” He says and chucks it again, harder this time and it hits me on the side of my face. I watch him wince from the pain of the movement, but he still stares me down.

  “Watch it.” I say and yank the pillow from him and smack it down at his feet where I know it won’t hurt him.

  He produces another pillow from behind his head, wincing again, and this time he chucks the fucker. Hard. I duck the pillow and stand to look at him. “Want me to hit you is that it?” I ask grabbing the one at his feet and tossing it at his face knowing the pillow can’t hurt him.

  He smiles this time and I have never wanted to hug a guy in my life until that instant, but I play it cool. “Pussy.” He says but doesn’t throw the pillow. “Want me to call tiffany back? I haven’t ever had a pillow fight, but she most definitely has and could teach you how to make it hurt I bet.” He says it with a wink and laughs, wincing…but he is laughing.

  I finally drop the act and start laughing to, until we are both roaring with it and I know it’s some serious pain for him, but he keeps laughing. “Fuck her face was priceless.” He says through his laughter and I feel actual pain in my cheeks from smiling and I’m glad I fucked with li6ttle Tiffany’s head. So, fucking glad… because he finally cracked from the laugh
ter.

  I knew the minute the laughter turned to sobs, and for the first time in my life I had gone in looking to find emotion and bring it to the surface. I watched as his smiled faded and the red face of laughter turned to anguish and tears spilled from his cheeks.

  I didn’t want to see him cry, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and this was twice today I had said that. I watched as he pulled at his hair and groaned at the pain that was all heart and not injury…those wounds would heal. The pain he was fighting right now, never would.

  I listened to the raw pain in his crying and knew even though it was impossible to explain how sad it was, that he needed this. If I ever did anything in this life right, it was this moment. Now all I could do was let him let it out and stay.

  He was sitting now, and his pain was raw and wild like a live wire on a rain slick street.

  All over the place explosion.

  He was hunched over and making almost no sound as his shoulders rolled with wracking sobs. It happened so suddenly I jumped when he sat up, ripping the blankets from his body and started roaring in pain.