TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  We’re here and now, but will we ever be again

  ‘Cause I have found

  All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade

  Away

  again

  Chapter Ten

  Tayla

  As I make my way to Cal’s house the sun is just setting and there is nothing more beautiful than watching it as I cross the Gig Harbor Bridge. I am going tonight to handle Jenny and keep her off his ass for the time being. I don’t know if he is entertaining the idea of paying her, but if so he will change his mind when he sees what I have found out.

  I sent a text that said I was stopping by and on my way. He responded with a simple, K and I knew that he knows I know.

  I get to his house and go through the gate, aware that good or bad, we both change tonight. Everything about us changes from here on out and I think we both know it.

  “Hey.” He says and steps back holding the door for me. I can hear the jingle to what a cartoon must be coming from his living room. I see toys everywhere the minute I walk in. I see his little jackets hanging on the coat rack by the front door and little Chuck Taylors and Toms sitting on the bench beneath the rack. It hits me full force then that this is real.

  “Hey Cal.” I say and hand him my jacket. I keep my purse and my briefcase with me and follow him into the living room.

  I see this teeny tiny little boy, thin as a rail and curled in a ball at the very end of the couch as he watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in his matching jammies. I know without any pause or second guessing that he is Cal’s.

  “Tayla, I’d like you to meet my son Axe.” He says, and I can hear he is stressed, tired and scared, it is all there in his voice and I wonder how much of it is because I know.

  I make my way to sit beside Axe on the couch, but he doesn’t seem to care that I am there. “Hey there Axe.” I say, and I ruffle the dark brown hair on his head. He gives me a ghost of a smile when he looks at me, but then he is back on the show and the fact that Mickey Mouse is calling for O'tootles.

  “He is very sweet Cal.” I say and seeing this little boy I want to scream at the injustice done to him.

  He nods and folds his arms over his chest and leans against the wall, watching me and his son for the first time. It takes everything for me to not cry in this moment, this epic moment. “I take him to the doctor tomorrow morning. I think I might feel a little relief after that.” He says and sighs, pushing himself from the wall and he comes to stand before Axe. “Come ‘ere pal.” He says, and I watch as Axe lifts his little arms to his dad and goes to him comfortably.

  He takes a seat in the opposite side of the sectional couch where he can face me easily and I watch with watering eyes as he leans back and tucks Axe’s head beneath his chin and starts tickling his back. Axe closes his eyes and wraps his legs on each side of Cal’s chest and tucks his little arms up against his chest, his face turns inward from me, but I know though I can’t see his face, I know he feels safe and is going to fall asleep.

  My tears are about to fall and so I use my knuckle to dab beneath my eyes. It’s a mixture of seeing him so soft and gentle, but also seeing him so scared and nervous.

  We sit there in a comfortable peaceful silence as he holds his son. When he did speak I wasn’t prepared for the depth. “It’s so crazy Tay.” He says, and his voice is low and soft. “I woke up on Saturday and was lying in bed thinking of you and what I could do to get you back.” He shakes his head and closes his eyes letting his head fall back. “My mom calls and tells me I need to get there right now because Jenny Pope just left, and they need to talk to me. I had no clue that Axe existed. I figured Jenny was pulling the same crap she always did looking for an in.”

  He looks down to see that Axe is sound asleep and he reaches beside me for the blanket that he had been sitting on. He places it over Axe and slowly stands with him in his arms and makes his way to the stairs. “I’m gonna put him down give me a second.”

  He doesn’t wait for my response as he disappears. I look around at the new look to Cal’s home. There are little learning toys everywhere, the kind that light up and play music when you touch them. There are stuffed animals and blankets scattered around the room and every possible animated movie he could find sitting on the shelf beneath the TV.

  Cal must have spent hours upon hours making sure that Axe had everything, and it wasn’t shocking in the least. Cal was the sort of man that in any situation he was prepared and would put every ounce of himself into it. Even with me. He gave me all of himself when he was in the moment and wasn’t thinking. He would hide it all afterword, but I always knew it was there.

  “Want a drink?” He asks me when he comes back down the stairs. I nod and grab my things to follow him to his kitchen. He pours me a glass of Moscato and comes to sit beside me at the table.

  “Ask me anything.” He says and there is a nervous smile on his face that melts me. I have never seen Cal this sort of vulnerable. Right now, he thinks I hate him and that I am judging him. He has no idea how much I admire him considering the information I gathered throughout the day.

  I can’t help but do what feels natural and I place my hand on his cheek tenderly and smile. “You’re doing a great job here, don’t doubt that.” I say because I know him, and he is second guessing every move he is making because Cal is determined to do the best.

  “I hope.” He says, and his voice is so soft and cracks at the end.

  “I think that I have some things that can put you at ease and help you get a better grasp on this situation.” I say. I want to stay in that moment and never leave, the softness of it and the comfort. It wraps around me like a warm blanket and I hate that I must break it, but the matter at hand calls for quick action.

  “I knew you’d take this on Tay.” He says shaking his head and drinks from his bottle of Shock Top.

  “It’s my job Cal. I am damn good at it too. Let me help you.” I say and pull out the laptop and the files I have thus far.

  “I’m so sorry that you had to go digging. I know this is killing you Tay, but I need you to know I would have done anything to spare you from it all.”

  He says exactly what Noah told me and I feel awful for raging or being upset. I know I am entitled to those feelings, but I also knew that I needed a grip and Noah gave me it. Now it is nothing but heartache at what we might have lost but also determination to fight alongside him for the wellbeing of his son. Ten minutes here and I know that Cal is better for Axe than Jenny could even attempt to be.

  “A lot of what I learned today hurt me Cal, I won’t lie. But I knew that it was sex and nothing more and I accepted it. You didn’t know how I felt back then. I don’t hold it against you. Everything over the last year is a different story, but those issues between us are going to have to stay on the back burner for a while.”

  He nods and looks down at the paperwork I brought. “This is Axe’s birth certificate.” I say and hand him the copy I got from Vital Records before coming here.

  “Oh my God. How’d you get this?” He asks and looks at me with shock. “I don’t mean that how it sounds Tay. I’m glad you did, but I was hoping to get something from the doctor tomorrow that I could see if he could find it. I don’t know I just figured he was a start.”

  He is looking over the birth record with apt attention.

  “I have to do stuff like this all the time Cal, for a lot of my bands. I called child protection today and left a message for Linda Clarke. She is the rep that Coven deals with. We have an attorney that can draw up paperwork that entitles Coven to knowledge on your behalf. It’s why you sign so many documents when you sign on with us because those documents protect you in this sort of situation. I was able to fax the release to Linda who then sent notification to Vital Records that I was picking it up. Signatures matched, and I had my ID as well as my security badge for Coven. Voila.”

  Cal looks at me with admiration and sweetness. “Thank you, Tay.” He hugs me then, a close embrace that exposes all my love for
him. When he pulls back I am careful to mask my emotions because I can’t let him see this right now. We are both far too exposed and vulnerable.

  “Axe turns two in a month.” He says and shows me the document, but I have perused it a hundred times. “January eighteenth."

  I nod and smile. “She gave him your last name too.” I say and point to Axe’s full name to show him the one thing she did honorably. I don’t know why Jenny had a heart in this, but regardless I am glad she did.

  “Axe Calvin Dorian.” He says and stares at the most important information on his son. “He was only five pounds and six ounces. Twenty inches long.” He smiles and looks at me. “That means he’ll be tall like me, right?” He asks, and I nod. “He was born prematurely at thirty-six weeks. Is that bad?”

  “Not that bad. I am guessing he had some steroids for lung development, but I can’t possibly know without his medical records. That is why you need to fill this form out and take it with you tomorrow to the doctor. This is you agreeing that you are his guardian and that you want a copy of all his records as well as aware of the HIPPA laws in place.”

  He sets the paper to the side and in a separate stack he places the birth certificate. I then hand him another form. “This is the request for his social security card. I know you have the number because Linda said a case was opened and they granted you temporary custody until they have completed an investigation. I filled out the information I just need you to sign.”

  “Yeah we called them the day she dropped him off. It was obvious he is behind in motor function as well as the abnormalities to his head. Tomorrow they will test him for everything imaginable, but also the doctor will submit his findings to Social Services.”

  We go on like this for another twenty minutes as we cover the legalities for temporary custody and the forms he will need. Once we get through all of those I cover the information I have on Jenny and her parenting skills which are minimal.

  “I spoke with the bands I manage that deal with Jenny too and found loyalty amongst rockers is tight and unbreakable. Miles from Black Label said that three weeks ago when they were in Northern Cali, Jenny and Axe both tried getting on the bus and she had told him they had nowhere to go. Now, he admits that they let them on the bus and that Axe was taken care of by the staff while Jenny partied with the band. I hadn’t been through all my emails while George was out of the office, so I didn’t see the message he sent me giving me a heads up about her. He had assumed I had handled it though because we have spoken a lot over the last three weeks and we never spoke of it and that Jenny wasn’t hanging around. Even better though, Miles had notified child services just because he couldn’t believe she’d pull that sort of shit bringing a child on a tour bus.”

  “Stop. I can’t hear this Tay it makes me sick and I don’t think level headed. It makes me want to hurt her.” He says, and I know he feels a lot of shame for it, but I understand it and more importantly I know he would never touch her.

  “I have to tell you though Cal. You are fighting for the custody of your child. No matter how shitty she is, she is the mother and that card is the hardest card to beat. We need proof, not circumstantial but actual proof of how neglected he was. Doctor reports will help, but eye witness accounts and reported incidents are the best defense. I know it’s difficult to hear what he has gone through, but ease that pain knowing he is safe now and if we handle it right, he will always be safe.”

  He nods and then puts his hands over his face in defeat and lets out a frustrated sigh. “I hate that you’re involved in this Tayla.” He says and stands abruptly from his seat as the table chair slides back slamming into the wall from the force.

  “Cal...” I say but I don’t know what to say beyond that, so I just shut up and let him get it out.

  “No, I hate that you’re so involved in this. It’s ugly and she is such a trashy conniving bitch about the whole thing. I know you know that I fucked her often.” He says and stops placing his hands on the back of the chair and looks at me. “I wanted the time to wine you and dine you and make you fall in love with me without all the bullshit. I wanted to show you I wasn’t that guy anymore or that maybe even one day you’d forget about the pussy parties and the fangirls and only focus on us.”

  “I know.” I say, and I cross my legs and lean back. “I know, but I can’t forget them Cal, or the hell you put me through. I forgive it, I do. I know you better than you know yourself and that’s what keeps me from being pulled in. You get scared and run. Anytime anything can interfere with your career you bail on it.”

  I stop when I realize that it isn’t exactly the truth. He won’t bail on Axe. He won’t bail on his family or the band. But I am disposable, and it is something I always forget where Cal Dorian is concerned.

  “I am done running Tayla. I won’t bail on you.” He is so certain and there is so much promise in his stance, his voice and the words, oh God, they speak volumes.

  “We can’t do this right now Cal. We can’t talk about us with everything else going on.” I say and as much as I want him I know that us as a distraction isn’t possible right now.

  “That’s exactly why we should. I need you with me Tay. I can’t do this without you baby.”

  Now he sees me, now that he is facing something so completely terrifying alone.

  “How dare you?” I ask in defeat. “How is it that now that you face being a single parent and the loneliness of that suddenly makes me more appealing?” I gather my things because I am done with this conversation and the constant bullshit that arises whenever he tries to win me back. There is always a reason and it is never the right one.

  “Please don’t go. You’re getting this all wrong.” He says and reaches for my hand, but I pull back from him.

  “No. I can’t Cal. Please respect that. We have so much going on right now that throwing dating in will just explode in our faces. Give me the time I need to process everything.” I say and make my way to the door.

  “I meant what I said last night Tay. I’ll wait forever. I will.” He comes close until we are almost touching as we stand at the front door. “Please don’t go to him tonight wishing he was me. Please baby, go home and think of me.”

  I can’t even muster a response to that, because any would make me a liar, or I’d be coming clean that he isn’t my replacement, but merely the one thing that forces Cal to prove himself to me.

  “I’ll be in touch.” I say and leave without looking back.

  You and me goin’ fishin’ in the dark

  Lying on our backs and counting the stars

  Where the cool grass grows

  Baby get ready

  Chapter Eleven

  Cal

  I can’t sleep as I lay here thinking of all the fuck ups in my life, that little boy of mine the only thing I have done right in recent years. Tayla is one thing I had right, and I did everything wrong to destroy it. I can’t breathe thinking Sam is in bed with her tonight, touching her and telling her everything she ever wanted to hear from me.

  I wanted to tell her that Axe is nothing but a bonus in my life. I wanted her to know I was coming for her before I even knew he existed. I get the urge to tell her to ask anyone that they can tell her how legit I am, but I can’t take the easy way out in this. I have got to fight for her to see me and what I am offering is real and forever.

  I hear Axe cough and I go to him, standing in his doorway watching him sleep. I am overwhelmed with this little dude. I want to fix him where he is broken and prove that he is safe. I watch him sleep in the corner of a bed that is plush with blankets and toys and all I see is how lost he is in it all, confused and curled in the corner alone. Always alone.

  Tears break free as they always do when I watch him sleep. It is the only time he seems peaceful and content. He has so much fear in his eyes when he is alert and I vow as I do every night that I am going to take that fear and doubt away.

  He rolls over and his little brown eyes open and focus on me in the doorway. I make my
way in not wanting him scared for even a second. “Daddy you?” He says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard but have never heard him call me daddy. It is my far the most integral moment of my life and I will never forget it.

  I squat down, so I can see him through the slats in the crib and we are eye level, my tears soaking my lashes as they fall down my cheeks. “Yeah Axe.” I say and choke on my sob. “I’m your daddy buddy.”

  “Daddy you.” He says and rolls to get up and stand. His little hands holding the railing as he works to stand up. Once he is standing and stable, I watch him do another first and reach his arms out to me in want without my prompting him. This is the first time Axe has asked me to hold him.

  I scoop him up into my arms and place my hand on the back of his head and rock from side to side trying to hide my tears from him. Even at his age, he will associate tears with sadness and I am anything but sad.

  “Dat.” He says and points to the blanket in his crib with red and blue rocket ships on it.

  I reach in and grab his blanket and put it over his back and I take him into my room and put him in my bed where he only holds me tighter. “Okay buddy. I got you, no worries kid.” I say and decide that as far as bonding goes if it happens at two in the morning then, so fucking be it.

  Holding him I head to the kitchen and stock up on ice cream, chips and chocolate milk for him and a Gatorade for me and we head back to my bed. I hold him against my chest as we eat ice cream and chips and it is salty sweet just like us, and we fall asleep watching Sports Center cuddled as father and son.