TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  Cal

  I wake with purpose and enough sense to know that the time for waiting patiently is over. I pack a bag for Axe to spend the night with Carrie and Chad, so he and Noelle can play. I pack for a night because I have no intention of leaving her alone tonight. I don’t care if I sit on her front porch waiting on her, I will.

  I pull into Carrie and Chads and grab Axe and his overnight bag. “Hey man.” Chad says and takes Axe out of my arms. “We are gonna rock the house today Axe. Come see what Uncle Noah got you.”

  “Oh hell.” I say and pop the back of my Jeep grabbing the rest of his stuff and follow them in the house.

  “Oh my God Cal.” Carrie says and laughs at me.

  “What?” I ask and put down the bag of his toys and the couple bags of food diapers training pants a small Cars potty and a small suitcase of his clothes.

  “It’s one-night Cal.”

  I look at everything I brought and don’t get the joke. “I don’t see what’s so funny? I just didn’t want him to want for anything.”

  Carrie smiles and steps in to hug me. “God bless you Cal, you’re doing a good job. No guilt in taking a night for you and Tay.”

  “Speaking of... Know where I can find her?”

  “No. I have tried calling her all day and it doesn’t even ring, goes straight to voicemail. She is off the grid, probably locked away in her room listening to tracks and bands.” Carrie looks as lost as me and I love that I have their support, but I know exactly where she is, and it shocks me that I know where she is, and that Carrie has no clue.

  “No honey. If she isn’t answering, she is off the grid but it’s in the sticks by a river full of fish.” I rub my hands over my face and sigh. “I’m betting her cabin in Yakima?”

  Carrie looks dumb founded. “Why would she be fishing? And what cabin?”

  “Georgia peach, she loves the sticks and needs to regroup in the country as close to her roots as she can.” I explain but feel like I am speaking another language the way she is looking at me.

  “Tay is from the country? I knew she was from Georgia I just figured she was ATL fabulous.”

  I shake my head no.

  “She was small town and couldn’t wait to get out.” I say and grab an apple off the counter. “She had a big old river in the back off their farm and fished with her grandpa every day growing up. She bought her cabin in Yakima about a year before we signed with her. It’s where she centers her world. I bet you anything that’s where she is.”

  Carrie just watched me in awe. “I never knew any of that.”

  I shrug my shoulders and take another bite. “Not a big deal. We obviously had a lot of time to talk over the years with work and everything else.”

  She smiles but doesn’t say anything else, and then the sound of drums echoes through the house. I follow her down the stairs to the studio and see Axe on Shames lap with the sticks in his hands wrapped around Shames as he shows my son the basics of the drummer’s world.

  “We decided it was fitting to find out if he has the genes for music.” Noah says with a laugh and shows me the miniature guitar.

  “No way buddy. Pick the guitar Axe.” I say and laugh. “Stay the hell away from the drums, Dad will show you the way little dude.”

  They guys laugh, and I watch as my son smiles and continues to instruct his Uncle Shamus on the drums with some awful melody if you can call it that.

  “Listen, I’m headed out wish me luck.” I say and head over to Axe. “Hey dude, I got something to take care of, but I’ll be back tomorrow. You’re" gonna hang out with your aunts and uncles okay bud?”

  “Daddy me?” He says and holds his arms to me and I feel that punch in my gut every time he calls me daddy. The collective sigh from everyone watching intensified the moment.

  I reach for him because I need to reassure myself as much as him. Every time he openly wants to let me hold him is the justification I need that I am giving him more than Jenny ever did and that has got to account for something.

  I hold him close as we make our way upstairs and out of the studio. “You be a good boy for daddy and I will bring you back something special”. I kiss his temple and hand him to Carrie. “I will call you tonight before you go to bed okay buddy?”

  I look him in the eye for any recognition he understood what I said. I don’t see it, but I feel it to my bones. He knows I am not gonna bail on him. Now I just need Tay to believe it too.

  Tayla

  I stand on the bank of the river and toss my line in, reeling it back instantly and then I repeat. This is my calm place. My thinking place. It is here and only when I am here that I miss Georgia and that small-town life of a country girl.

  It was the obvious choice when I left Cal’s last night. I went home packed a bag and drove until I saw the long dirt road that leads to my little paradise. I bought the cabin with my first signing bonus with Coven. It isn’t much, enough for me but I have never been the type for frivolity. The minute I walked inside last night the first thought was that I could see Cal, myself and little Axe here, and then I saw more kids and I burst into tears.

  I have always had purpose and goals. I have always had that sense of self and knew I would achieve the life I wanted. I never saw this coming though. I knew enough over the last three years that hanging on to Cal Dorian would rip me apart in the end, I just never saw the end like I do now.

  I cannot continue to let him barrel through me. I cave and cave and never do what is best for me and now I have no choice but to do the best for me, because involving that child is something I am unwilling to do. Cal and I are so up and down; I can’t let Axe get involved in it. I can adore him and Axe from afar; learn to love them like I do Noelle and Chad and Carrie, or when Cassa and Shame have a family.

  I think it all clearly, I can even see an outcome that doesn’t exist, and it is all pretend because I love him. Heart mind body and soul and I can’t separate that anymore. I did a damn good job of it up to this point but now I must move on. I have got no other choice than to heal before this love kills me.

  As if summoned by my heartache and longing, I watch as Cal’s black Jeep rolls to a stop beside my Rover. I reel in my line and grab my tackle box and pole and make my way to him. I feel exposed here like this. My jeans are low riding and covered in holes from years of wear and tear. My flannel jacket is half zipped and my boots are the telling sign that I am from the country.

  “Hey.” I say because it is all I can muster through the shock he is here in the flesh. “How’d you know I was here? How did you know here is here?” I ask and don’t hide the annoyance in my voice.

  “I do listen to you when you talk Tayla. You have told me every possible detail about this cabin over time. You weren’t hard to find.” He says and steps out of the Jeep. My heart fractures at the sight of him in jeans and an old pair of black biker boots, a white hoodie and a black bandanna over his head. I don’t fail to notice Axe isn’t with him.

  “Where’s Axe?” I ask and walk to the porch leaning my pole against the side of the cabin and setting the tackle box beside it. When I look to Cal for an answer I see the smoldering stare he is giving me, and chills spread over my body.

  “Carrie and Chad are keeping him for the night.” He says and kicks off the Jeep making his way toward me.

  “For the night?” I am failing at hiding the instant desire in my tone. “That’s presumptuous.”

  I stand stupid, locked in place as he keeps walking toward me until he is pressed against me hip to hip. One hand goes to my waist and the other clasps the side of my neck and I am swept up in a kiss. This is a telling kiss, there is purpose behind it. This isn’t a kiss out of need, but the type of kiss that destroys all reason to why I am walking away.

  This kiss was love, and it sucks because he doesn’t mean it. He never does.

  I pull back, placing my palm on his chest in a feeble attempt to gain control when I had none. “Stop.” I gasp the word as he bites my lip.

  “No.”
He says and comes at my mouth harder and with more feeling than any kiss has ever held. He walks us backward, locked in this earth-shattering kiss until I am flush against the side of my Cabin and his body is pressed to mine.

  The minute I feel his cock hard against me I snap out of the moment and push him off me again. “Yes Cal.” I say with more demand than what I thought I would have.

  “Why?” He asks and though I won’t let him kiss my lips again, he gently travels his lips along my jaw and down my neck before pulling back to look at me. “Why?” He asks again, a soft smile on his lips.

  “Because we have been here so many times I know exactly what will happen next and honesty I don’t have the strength to survive it.” I hear the pain in my voice and it doesn’t even come close to how deep that pain goes.

  “We have never been here before, and what happens next is up to you baby, but I am telling you now, I am not leaving without you.” And with that he walks back to the Jeep gets his things and heads in to my cabin, my safe place leaving me dumbfounded against the side alone.

  Let her cry

  If the tears fall down like rain

  Let her sing

  If it eases all her pain

  Let her go

  Let her walk right out on me

  Chapter Twelve

  Cal

  I take a seat at the little wooden table inside and look around at the true comfort of Tayla Livingston. It is soft and cozy with that little touch of wild that makes Tayla so fucking irresistible to me. There is a very country looking plaid couch with throw pillows that have fish on them against the wall beneath the only window in the living room. Photos from various rivers and lakes and I can only imagine they are from her farm in Georgia but nestled in all this country is that spice I love about her. The coasters on the table have skulls and crosses. The kitchen has all modern appliances sheik and black with pops of red on a coffee pot or the pans hanging on the rack. This place is all her and I feel so fucking amazing seeing her, the real her. Regardless if it is choice or happenstance that I made it to this point doesn’t matter to me. I meant what I said, and I wasn’t leaving without her.

  What I didn’t expect was her to ignore me. Literally all fucking day. By the first hour I was still pumped and even excited watching her sit on her porch and ignore me.

  By the second hour I was still okay to watch her ignore me, because she is beautiful doing it, but I was a little bored. Maybe I was a fool to think it would be easy to walk in and give no choice, I was keeping to my plan of waiting her out, but she had to crack sometime because it would be dark soon.

  On it went for four hours, me sitting at the table watching and waiting, me standing in the kitchen watching her ignore me, me sitting on her couch, the table again, at the fucking window and even some soft pacing.... and nothing.

  Frustrated and bored out of my mind I can’t take it anymore. I have never seen her like this, so calm and resolved to wait me out. I am not calm, or patient and she know it. This little shit was going to make me beg and at this point I would rather get to it before I am eighty.

  I open the door and watch as she stiffens her spine a fraction but relaxes and goes back to reading her book. I lean against the door frame, once again frozen at the sight of her. Her hair is up and only a few strands have fallen from the messy bun on the top of her head. I can see the little goosebumps along her neck and shoulders and I know it’s because it’s even colder than it was when I got here.

  “Want to come inside where it’s warm? I can start a fire for you?” I don’t move, no sense crowding her considering the minute she is in this cabin she won’t have far to run. When she says nothing I want to scream, but I keep my cool and go for broke. Leaning out a slowly trace my finger along the exposed part of her neck where the flannel jacket doesn’t hide her sensitive skin. “You can ignore me in here too.”

  She says nothing, and I cannot stand it anymore. “Tay tell me to go fuck myself. Tell me you hate me, just say something please.” I lean my back against the frame of the door, cross my feet and fold my arms. I will freeze beside her if I have to, because I am done sitting alone.

  “Oh, you want to talk?” She says each word slowly and with the precision of a surgeon’s blade. “You come here, to the only place I truly feel peace and calm and now you tarnish it!” She stands and chucks her paperback book at me. “This is the only place I am free of you Cal.”

  I smile, and I know that it pisses her off even more. “Baby you can’t get free of me. The sooner you realize that the better we both will be.”

  “What is with the dominant act? ‍” She asks me and pushes past me to get in the cabin where she goes right to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of Modello.

  “You leave me no other option that’s what.”

  She shakes her head and places her palms on the counter and drops her head in frustration. “Okay. You want to talk?” She raises her head and pins me with the scariest glare I have ever seen on her pretty face. “Why now? Is it because of Sam? Is the thought of me desperate to move on so offensive?”

  “Sam is a small piece of this Tayla. I hate that he touches you and makes you smile, but I know you and you aren’t feeling him. He is a warm body that curbs your loneliness. And that I completely understand.”

  “I have never been anything but Sam’s friend Cal. We flirt and joke and push your buttons but that is as far as it has ever gone.” I can see the guilt on her face as she comes clean with the game she has been playing.

  “So, what? You think it’s funny to watch me suffer?” I don’t hide the anger from the little bomb she dropped.

  “No, I think it was addictive because it finally forced you to see me.” She says, and it feels like a knife in my back.

  “Seeing you wasn’t the problem!” I snap.

  She laughs but there is no humor in it. “Are you really going to try and sell me some story that you have been here in love all along? Because if so you can save it. You don’t hurt the ones you love. You don’t deny them the comfort. You have done nothing but deny me for three years!" She was screaming, her hands flailing about.

  I roar out in the same frustrated anger. “I know God damn it! How fucking long do I need to repent for it?”

  I watch her flinch at my outburst and try to reel in my anger because I know damn well I don’t deserve her forgiveness, but I still ask like a fucking bigger.

  And then she just started crying. Big fat tears falling from her violet eyes, spiking her lashes and blushing her cheeks and nose. I see her fall apart, her eyes on me and it is sadness that has undone her. This is the moment I realize how far I pushed her away from me, how deeply I have hurt her. All I can do is go to her and try to show her how sorry I am for it all.

  My arms go around her and she fights me, not hard mind you, but enough to tell me how shattered she is. “I know baby.” I say and hold her to me as tight as I can because she is trying to get away from me. “Shhh, Tay. Let me hold you baby.” I say and kiss her softly on her temple.

  I don’t know how much time passed with me holding her. We moved to the table where I sat in a chair with her cradled in my arms and I let her cry.

  I feel her breathing even out and I know she is asleep. I carry her with no effort and lay her on the bed. I watch her sleep for a few seconds before I go back out and lock up the cabin and shut the lights off. I stand in the hall and see the two bedrooms, and this is the fork in the road isn’t it? Do I go to her, to lie beside her as her man, or do I choose to be the right man and go to the room and sleep alone?

  Let’s be honest, I know damn well I am not the commendable honorable type and I walk in to the room where she is sleeping. I take her feet gently and pull her boots off and then her jeans and she wake a little to ask what I think I am doing.

  “I’m just putting you in bed baby.” I say, and she sits a little as I take her jacket off. I see her in a tight black t-shirt and her hot pink panties and it only reaffirms that I am not honorable. No way am I not
sleeping next to this beauty tonight.

  I skim down to my boxers and debate getting in in just them but find a little piece of decency in the end and grab my flannel pajama pants and slip them on. I slide between the sheets, finding her warm small body and flip the light off. I curl my front into her back and rest her head on my bicep, not a spot on our bodies that isn’t lined up. I have never cuddled, never been the type, but lying here with her now I feel the piece that I have with Axe when he lets me love him.

  “I needed this.” She says her voice scratchy from sleep.

  I pull her closer and kiss her on the cheek. “Go to sleep baby.”

  “I am not sleeping with you Cal.” She says and there is a hint of unsure in her voice.

  I chuckle softly. “We’ll see what happens baby, I am not about to push my luck.” She doesn’t say anything to that and I can feel her body go soft and her breathing is even again. I lay there holding her unable to sleep for the bitch of a cramp in my arm where her head is laying, and the fact I am burning alive from the body heat.

  I distract myself with thoughts of the night of the wedding. If I had done things differently that night, if I had faced what I was feeling and knew, the trip to the cabin would be us with Axe and I would be inside of her tight little body right now.

  “I should have told you.” I say into the night. “I should have told you that you mean everything to me. I should have let you see my tears because they were yours.” It overwhelms me the way the wall holding my emotions in breaks and I wish she was awake to hear my heart because I can’t stop. “I have loved you for so long Tayla, I can’t even pinpoint a time I didn’t love you because I always have. I made so many promises to myself when we were a garage band and I knew how good we were. I made the band my world and I hurt a lot of people to get here. I hate what Jenny did to my son, I hate what she did to me keeping him from me, but I treated her like a whore and never once respected her, I never respected you either. I had this plan, and nothing would take me from it. Then overnight everything changed. Cass and Shame broke up, Chad and Carrie were gonna have a kid and getting married, Noah was finally happy, and I met you, it was too much change. Then once again everything changed with Cassa being abused and hiding so many secrets. Like falling for you, only ever thinking of you. The night of the wedding I had planned to walk away, I was saying goodbye to you and I was so fucking scared baby.