TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  I look at him, his eyes are glossy and he looks so relaxed and happy. I know he has a buzz, but he is serious and not wasted so I know he means it.

  I cup his chin and pull him to my lips, kissing him soft and sweet. “Yeah Caly, I believe you.”

  We watch as the lights come on over the venue and all the crowds make their way to the gates behind us. I lace my fingers in Jens and go to turn when Noah stops us all. “Hey, let’s go say hi tell him good show.”

  Everyone hoots and hollers a hell yeah, and Jen looks at me. “Want to?”

  Fucking loaded question. I want to go home and see what happens between us, just want her alone, but the professional in me says I should be there. “I’m cool, Denver will understand if we aint there. Unless you want to meet him. I’m cool either way firefly.”

  I see her eyes light when I say it and I love the effect it has on her. I kind of always found babe or baby to be generic and Tay loved that generic predictable shit. I am slowly learning that I might have been predictable.

  Turns out I like following my instinct and telling logic to go fuck itself.

  Everyone else, it seems noticed the term I used also. Fuck em’ though, I only care what she wants.

  See? Not predictable.

  “We can go. I haven’t met him it could be cool.”

  “Then we go.” I say and kiss her knuckles before pulling her to my side. They all watch as I guide her the opposite way of the crowd.

  Jenny

  “So… how did I do?” He asked as we sit around the fire in the backyard. I hate that he felt like I was judging him.

  I am laying back on the couch that circles the pit, my feet on his lap, dying from the omg goodness of him rubbing my feet. “I hate that I made you feel self-conscious. That wasn’t my intent.”

  He smiles and slides his hands to my ankles and shins. “I should from time to time though. I am arrogant. I hate to admit it, but money changed me.”

  I pull my legs from him and sit up, so I am facing him. He wants none of that though and pulls my legs to him until I am right beside him. “That’s better.” He says and chuckles.

  “See, that’s that sexy swagger that you have right there, and it is part of the arrogance so no, it isn’t all bad. That swagger will get you any girl you want.”

  He watches me, pondering what I just said. “I think I have what I want, right here.”

  He isn’t flirting. No, he is being real, and I can’t breathe. I have to say and do the right thing here, no matter how much I want to scream okay and strip naked. “What’s that?”

  “You, me…a fire, few beers. Axe is missing, but he’s always here with us regardless.

  “You had that with Tayla didn’t you?” I ask because I am curious. Lately he implies that I make a difference and I want so bad to know why… to know what happened or what was wrong with him and Tayla.

  “No, not at all. We weren’t bad together. Axe was a monkey wrench though, but even then… I don’t know. I know she loves him, but I don’t think he is what we were planning on. We both wanted kids, but I think we never would have had them. She was okay with us putting our careers first. I changed with him- for him. I didn’t want to work nonstop. I wanted to go to the park and to play or do Sundays in bed with ESPN or Star Wars.”

  I can tell he isn’t done, so I sip from my wine and wait on him to open up more. “I don’t think she was fucking Black when she says she was.” He stops and looks at me. “That day in court when you signed him over to me?” He asks me like as if I could forget.

  “Hard to forget that day. I didn’t sleep for months because I felt so much guilt.”

  “Firefly…” He says and scoots until he is right in front of me and places his hands in mine. “Never feel that, not on that. I saw you for the first time that day. I saw more than what I had always assumed. I saw it wrecked you, I knew you loved him and that there was more to the story. If I had to fight you I was willing, but you did the hardest thing and it was what he needed. It gave him his mom back, Jen.”

  I feel my tears fall and try to pull my hands from his to shield them. I never let anyone see me hurt, but in this, with Axe… I can’t hide it. Cal leans in and kisses them as they fall, then uses his thumbs to wipe them away.

  “You are an amazing mom Jen. Never ever doubt that. Even when you were ruled by things that hurt you both, you tried to do what you could and when you couldn’t, you brought him home. That money that I changed for, that money that gave him what he needed?" He shakes his head and sighs. "It was the strongest most difficult thing you ever had to do." He takes my hand and brushes my knuckles. "The right thing is never the easy thing."

  I nod and try to catch my breath because he is too good, it scares me to love him like this. “Tell me the rest, tell me why you thought of that day Cal.”

  “We don’t need to talk about this. We don’t need to talk about her. Shit gets awkward because I am feeling you and I am passed what she did.”

  He's so open about his feelings and I love it, love finally glimpsing some emotion from him about us. But to say he is over her is a scary thought. He rearranged his life and the very person he was for her. It isn’t something you get past easily when the person you love destroys you.

  “If you’re passed it then tell me.”

  He sits back and looks at the fire for a minute. He doesn’t seem frustrated, just in thought. So again, I wait and let him find his words.

  “In court that day. I told the Judge that Tay was going to be my wife, and that she would be adopting Axe.” He looks at me, and honestly, I think he is assessing if I seem bothered by what he says. I don’t want to think of him with her ever, but I am so used to thinking of them together as opposed to living in the destructive hell he went through and the wake of her heartlessness when she left.

  “Anyway, she flipped the fuck out after we left court. I mean flipped out. She was so bent over the fact I hadn’t proposed to her yet, that I just assumed…” He shakes his head and it is proof he isn’t over it all yet. He is bothered by what he knows now and was too blinded too see back then.

  “I had assumed. I assumed that was the plan and I don’t think she did. Hind sight is twenty-twenty, and I should have caught it then. I think that was when she and Black started, that it was around that time. Now- I know and can place the late nights at the office and when the constant bitching and anger. She was not with him until after that court date. She won’t risk her pride in telling me she cheated long after we had committed to one another. She will never tell me the truth, and I don’t know... I guess I just stopped needing it.”

  He looks at me and I can see he is scared to tell me these things. Whether he feels nothing or he still loves her isn’t the point. He wants me to know because he respects me and it is the first time I think it might just be what he says.

  “I chose Axe. The minute I saw him at my mom and dads, saw his eyes. I knew my world was a different one and I think she resented me for it. It took me years to choose her and seconds with Axe.”

  “Can I ask something?” I hadn’t thought about these timelines or why they would matter, but wanted the answers anyway.

  “You guys were together for like three years or something right?”

  He nods and swigs from his beer. “Yeah and no. We were fucking since the first album. It started about a month before Shames dad died. That was six and a half years ago.”

  I calculate the timeline in my head and feel horrified. “So, we were…”

  He nods. “Yeah, every-time I knew you were around. Hell, there were times I told her to pass along the message to come to my bus if I didn’t go to the greenroom or you didn’t. I sent money for it, reserved rooms for it. Tay knew it all. I can’t hide what a piece of shit I was, to both of you and the countless others.”

  This is the first time we have both talked about it. Uncovered all the shit and secrets. He knows mine and now I am hearing his. “Did she ever put that together?” I ask, humiliated for her, which
is weird because I didn’t know. I like to think that if I would have known he had someone waiting on him, that I would have denied him. I can’t say I would back then, because sadly I loved him too.

  “Oh, fuck yeah, every chance she could. All the girls were thrown in my face.”

  “Do you ever think that if I would have told you about Axe when he was born… I don’t know do you ever think we both would have been different?”

  He seems to truly think on it and ponder that question. I understand the weight of it, I have spent countless hours pondering it too.

  “I think I would have been an even bigger dick to you both. I needed Axe to find my heart. I fell for Tay around a year before I knew he existed. Had I not fought to win her and changed every part of me, I would have shit on you and the boy.”

  I nod but say nothing because I know it kills him to answer with the truth he did. For all my changes and all of his, we were both our worst selves when we created Axe.

  We watch the fire, deep in thought. I finish my wine and he finishes his beer. The night has kicked my ass though and I am ready for a chick flick in bed where I might cry or laugh. I felt that spark at the concert, but now I feel awful hearing about their shitty relationship from the start.

  “Did I ruin everything talking about this shit?” He asks and I watch him scrub his beard.

  “Ruin what? It’s been a good night I thought.” I am the master of playing it cool, when all I want to do is beg him to pick me, pick us and let her go.

  “Come here you little liar. Come sit with me and hear me out.” He pulls me onto my knees and scoops my ass in his hands before plopping me on his lap.

  “I don’t want us to just fuck Jen. I want you. I need you and it go's deep." He looks at me, his intense eyes, those thick long lashes that melt me... "I won’t lay my heart out and dive into how I feel and be pushed away, again."

  I want so bad to say yes and kiss him, but… I take a deep breath and kiss him sweetly before I say what I need to. “I need to be fair to my heart and to Axe. I never want him to hope for us as a family with the white picket fence and then not deliver it. I want you so much Cal, I think about you and what we could be so much.”

  “But?” He asks me, and he looks terrified.

  “But, we have never done the date thing, or to fuck without need being the driving force. I want you to want me in every sense of the word. To own me, heart and soul. Before that could ever happen, Caly you need to choose between Tay and I.” I place my finger over his lips when he goes to protest what I just said.

  “Let me clarify. I know you and Tayla are done and living in separate worlds. I get it, but I need to decide if your heart feels that too. I can date you and we can grow this thing between us, but I will need to know it is me and only me before I can give you all of me. I won’t compete with her memory. I have waited so long Cal, over ten years in and out of your bed wishing I could stay. I need to know that when I am there I am there for good, and I can wait for that.”

  “Why now?” I see what he is saying. But, starting now it counts on a different scale.

  “Caly, I am not saying I won’t be with you or in your bed." I sigh and try to find the right words. "Every night before this moment took its toll on my heart. I have never even shared a night’s sleep in your arms. I want to know that if I risk my heart with you, then I need to know you’ll figure it out soon and not string me along.” I kiss him, let my lips linger. I feel his hands encase my ass and pull me into him, feeling what I do to him, wanting him more than ever, I still pull back and hope he agrees.

  “So, what are you asking me Red, break it down.” He nuzzles into my neck, pulling my hair to expose my entire neck. It is impossible to think right now as he does it. I pull back and place my hands on his chest.

  “You are making it too hard to think.”

  He laughs and nods, folding his arms over his chest and he gives me his undivided attention.

  “I am saying yes, yes let’s date, let’s make something special spark in bed and fall asleep together. Take me on dates, I will take you on some fun ones. Be in my life and let me into yours…”

  "You recall I said this same thing a few days ago?"

  "Yeah and I didn’t answer. Now I am asking the same in return as well as agreeing to it... you are who I want Cal..."

  "But?" He asks again and I know he is frustrated.

  "But, I need to know it’s me. I need to feel it and know it’s true. I handed my heart to you the only way I could and I need you to choose to give me yours."

  "Then I will give you the proof Jen and I will find some way to let you see inside me to know it's true. And, on a side not we spent the night together last night in your bed just sleeping."

  I am bombarded with the thoughts on what he thinks or feels about the journals and I need to know. I can’t burry this. "I was not going to ask this. I was going to play it out and see."

  He looks at me confused now and tips my chin so I see his eyes. "Ask what?"

  "The journals? Did you..." I choke on the question and look away. I wanted him to see into my mind in a way I couldn’t give him on my own. I also fear the truth of what those mean for us if he hasn’t.

  "Did I read them?" He asks and the pain that lances every dingle part of his face tells me he did. "I read almost everything. There was a lot that I forgot until reading it." He twirls pieces of my hair.

  "I remembered the night your mom left and when you moved back to the trailer. There was a lot I don’t remember because I was wasted or just didn’t give a fuck."

  He lifts me off of him and stands. "I can’t sugar coat some of what I feel about the shit in those journals Jen. I can’t sugar coat it because I refuse to give you less than the truth." He looks around until he sees the joint Noah gave him and lights it. "Be sure you want to talk about it all."

  Cal

  I thought I would have more time to ponder everything in those books and now I am on the spot and I have no choice but to go with it and pray I can still keep her loving me when I am done.

  "I let you inside of my soul, my thoughts and fears, everything I felt. I won’t accept less than that Cal."

  I light the joint and pull in a huge drag before looking at her again. "There is no reason you should love me Jen. None what so ever. I don’t deserve it and in the same breath I thank God you do."

  "Cal-" She tries to talk but I cut her off.

  "I can’t tell you I didn’t see you or want you. I did and the last time you left my bus, after I treated you so awful- fuck! I said shit that no woman deserves to hear and I left you to go fuck two other bitches that night!" I throw the joint in the fire, it isn’t helping.

  "I went and fucked two chicks right after, unaware that what I said, how I acted..." I can’t even look at her for my shame. "Those books brought up other shit too, shit I have buried for years. All that shit is what made treating you like hell okay."

  She closes her eyes and she knows what I mean. "Everything I did with other men?" She asks and I laugh darkly.

  "My friends Jen. That is the one thing I hated you the most for back then."

  "I know. I knew then and it was why I did it. I needed something to tell me you missed me. It wasn’t right, it was foul to do it and I won’t give you an excuse."

  Sometimes I want to wring her neck, sometimes I want to kiss her. Fuck me... "Jen I wish I could tell you my every thought or feeling so that you knew I always missed you like you gave me. My feelings changed and morphed into something ugly when I committed to Tayla. I talk all this hard shit like I fought for her and bore my soul. I didn’t. I didn’t tell her about how shitty a person I was inside and out. I didn’t tell her how I treated you when you were in Idaho and alone. I didn’t tell her, 'Hey babe, I fucked Jenny Pope a while back and left her to fish out the condom when I fucked two more Randoms that night.' I never did because I don’t think I changed for the best until you."

  I scrub my face and just keep spilling this horrible shit to her.
"I bad mouthed you, I tore you down." I reach for her hand and try to give some form of reason though there isn’t one. "I was innocent once. That kid that taught you to give head, that kid you called for when your world fell apart, he loved you. It isn’t what you had for me, hell I didn’t even see it that way back then. But I loved you and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you from being sad."

  She has tears in her eyes and reaches for the bottle of wine beside her on the concrete. I take it and pour it for her and wait until I have her eyes again.

  "I never told anyone what I am about to tell you. It isn’t eloquent or special. It is ugly and it was my turning point between us."

  She nods and wipes her tears; a shaking hand holds the glass to her lips.

  "That night you fucked Noah on the beach?" I ask and she squeezes her eyes shut at the truth of my words. I want to comfort her and I will when I get to the softer shit, but right now I will confront this. "I followed you guys. I didn’t think that you would fuck him. I actually thought you would be crying over me. I was gonna tell him to leave and tell you I wanted you. I didn’t know how I would do it or what to say, I just knew it was what I wanted."

  I look away as I get a beer from my fridge by the outdoor kitchen before finishing. "I found you guys by the reeds and I listened to all of it."

  I see her hands go to her mouth, trying to hide the awful painful sound that escaped. She sobs, and other than the night she told me about her rape, I have never seen her so hurt. "I didn’t know..." She cries and I can’t help but take her into my arms once I am back to the couch.

  "I know, me too." I say and I mean it. "Sorry isn’t enough Jenny, not even close but it is all I have to start with."

  "After that, things were different. I figured Noah said something." She says and holds me tighter.

  "No, he was never one for bragging. If you didn’t see it or were there, he was a vault."

  She cups my face and looks at me. "If I ever would have thought we stood a glimmer of a chance it never would have happened Cal. I know I am a fuck up, but you were bigger than any one thing in my life."