Living the Afterlife, a Death and Chronos flash fiction collection

by River Fairchild

nebula,” Death said and tossed a peanut into his eye socket. “I’d go back there again. Do you think anybody missed us?”

  Chronos shrugged. “Let’s find out.” He hit the remote and tuned in to CNN.

  “…headline news.” The frothy blonde attempted a serious look.

  “Zombies are on the rise. Death seems to be on holiday, which could account for the increase in zombie activity.

  Also reported are increasing errors in the space-time continuum, leading scientists to wonder who is at the helm? Wormholes are activating in suburban backyards, swallowing gym sets and the occasional toddler. At least one physicist predicts an implosion in the Earth’s core within a month, while another is awaiting the rebirth of the dinosaurs.

  In other news—”

  Chronos switched the TV off. “I guess they missed us.”

  Death rubbed his phalanges, dropping his jaw in good humor.

  “Back to the old grind for us, my friend. Let’s not run into Atropos until we’ve cleaned up though.” His bones rattled as he shuddered.

  He tossed a helmet at Chronos. “You want a ride on the Harley?”

  Sighing, Chronos stuck the helmet on his head.

  “I’ll do anything to get that beast off my shag carpet.”

  Employee Relations

  Lucien gathered his staff in the break room before the bar opened for the evening.

  “I want you to be on your best behavior tonight. We have a dignitary coming in.”

  The new demon bartender looked confused.

  “When you say ‘best behavior,’ do you mean best behavior as in human standards or worst behavior because we’re evil?”

  Lucien sighed. It was so hard to find good help these days.

  “I know you’re evil. I meant no screw-ups, got it? Death and Chronos will be in later—”

  “But, boss, they’re not dignitaries. We see them all the time on poker night.”

  Evil eyed the bubble-headed waitress who spoke with disdain.

  “Stop interrupting me when I’m talking, Lilith…and get rid of the gum.”

  The succubus took the wad from her mouth and stuck it under the tabletop.

  “As I was saying, Death and Chronos will be in later to make sure that everything is set up right for Gaia’s visit. She only stops in once in a blue moon so I want everything to go smoothly.”

  “Will she be wantin’ fancy snacks?”

  Lucien wanted to wipe the sneer from the little Scotsman’s face, but the soul from purgatory was the only cook small enough to fit in the minuscule kitchen. He puffed double-time on his cigar, trying to calm down.

  “She wants tofu on the menu.”

  “Tofu? I quit.” The cook threw his apron on the floor.

  “Don’t be a loon. You can’t quit,” Lilith said and cracked a new piece of gum she’d snuck in her mouth.

  The bartender raised his hand.

  “So you want us to be evil but not screw up, right?”

  Lucien waved his hand and the floor opened, swallowing the lot into the flames below.

  When Death and Chronos arrived, they found Lucien tending bar.

  “Where’s your staff, my friend?” Death asked.

  “I’m a little short-handed tonight.”

  “You sent them all to hell again, didn’t you?” Chronos laughed as steam spewed out of Lucien’s ears.

  Death grabbed the bowl of peanuts and tossed one into his eye socket, immediately snorting it back out through his nasal cavity.

  “These are the worst peanuts I’ve ever tasted. What’s wrong with them?”

  Chronos sniffed the bowl. “They’re not real peanuts. They’re tofu.”

  Under the Sea

  Chronos had just stepped out of his kitchen with an apple when Death materialized in his living room.

  “Excuse the abrupt entrance, but I came to warn you—”

  A second being solidified, this one dripping on the new shag carpet. Chronos watched a Chilean sea bass flop around on the floor for a moment before raising his eyes to greet the unexpected visitor.

  “Poseidon, always a pleasure.” He grit his teeth in an approximation of a smile. “What brings you here?”

  “You know very well why I’m here, you snarky timepiece.”

  Poseidon plucked the apple from Time’s nerveless fingers and took a bite. Chronos licked his lips as he mourned the loss of his snack. It had been the last one in the fridge.

  “You only fixed some of the wormholes.”

  As Chronos shook his head in denial, Poseidon waved his trident in the air, ripping the chandelier out of the ceiling.

  “Did you bother to look underwater? I can answer that. No. My domain is beneath your notice. Two of my best sirens—gone. Entire schools of fish vanished, to be plundered in some alien universe. I should—”

  “Poseidon!” Chronos waved his hourglass to get the irate god’s attention. “I apologize. I’ll get right on it.”

  With a flash of St Elmo’s fire, Poseidon left in a funnel of water, washing a new puddle into the already sodden carpet.

  “It might be best to back time up to the spot before he lost his sirens, my friend. He seemed pretty mad.” Death picked up the sea bass by its tail. “Do you want fish for dinner? I could make a salad to go with it.”

  Chronos grinned. “Let me go take care of his problem before that apple hits him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It was one of my special apples, soaked in a timing solution. It’s going to give him a real stomachache in about an hour.”

  Death dropped his jaw in a laugh.

  “A most delightful payback for leaving your carpet sullied. I’ll come help you. Maybe I can pick up some kelp for the salad while we’re there.”

  Warning System

  Death and Chronos strained against the winds of the hurricane, gaining ground one slow foot at a time as they tried to reach their goal. Hail the size of oranges beat down on their heads as the unlucky duo struggled in the storm.

  Battered and exhausted, both knew that giving up was not an option. Matters far more important than weather awaited them on the other side.

  “Do you need help, my friend?” Death’s words were lost in the maelstrom, but he managed to grab Time’s sleeve before he went down.

  “Thanks.” Chronos hoped they could take a breather if they reached the eye—unless he collapsed first.

  He saw the funnel just in time and signaled Death. They threw themselves to the ground as the tornado spun right over them, sucking up grass and trees in its mad dash across the landscape.

  “That was close,” Death mumbled and tried to stand back up, his phalanges catching in the hem of his robe.

  Snow dumped on them from a blackened sky, the blizzard making it impossible to see.

  “Link arms and go straight,” Chronos shouted as they high-stepped through two feet of snow.

  They both bumped into a tree and slid down the trunk. Death reached up with the last of his strength and rang the doorbell.

  Sunshine and flowers emerged as they struggled to their feet. Chronos was still picking twigs out of his hair when Gaia answered the door.

  “Greetings, boys. You’re late. Earl Grey or jasmine tea?” She turned and climbed the staircase inside the tree, signaling for them to follow.

  Chronos leaned over and whispered in Death’s auditory tube. “Do you think she’d mind turning off her security system when it’s time for us to leave?”

  The Value of Friendship

  A dour man opened the door to Time’s residence when Death knocked.

  “Is the Master expecting you?” he asked.

  Death stared the man down, eye sockets glowing red. The butler didn’t blink.

  “Jeeves, let Death enter and go buttle, or whatever it is you do.” Chronos edged the man away from the door. “Sorry about that.”

  “Since when did you hire staff?”

  Chronos sighed and sank back down on the sofa, looking like he’d fought a ba
ttle all morning.

  “The Purgatory Registration Center has a new “Right to Work” clause in their union contract. They told me I have to employ at least one staff member.”

  “That sucks, dude. My Furies count as staff so they won’t bother me with that. Hey, Jeeves, be useful and bring me a bowl of peanuts, will you?”

  Chronos watched in fascination as Jeeves brought out four peanuts on a crystal dish, insisting on holding onto it while Death snacked. The ensuing tug-of-war ended when Death waved his hand and the butler disappeared.

  “Where’d he go?”

  “I sent him to Lucien’s bar. You didn’t want to keep him, did you?”

  “No, but he was better than the housekeeper they sent over this morning. She turned on the vacuum while I was watching TV and told me to get my feet off the coffee table.”

  “I have the perfect solution.” Death popped out and Chronos heard the Harley start up outside. A short time later he came roaring back, carrying a statue into the house.

  “What’s this?” Chronos looked at the lifelike old woman dressed in a uniform as Death propped her in the corner.

  “Meet Matilda, your new housekeeper. I went over to the registration center and interviewed staff for you. Matilda here turns into a statue whenever she hears a loud noise.”

  “Perfect.” Chronos clapped his friend’s clavicle and sat back down on the sofa, turning the volume up on the TV. Death joined him with a proper bowl of peanuts.

  “I wonder how Lucien’s getting on with Jeeves?” Chronos said.

  Death dropped his jaw and tossed a peanut into the air. “I’m sure by now he’s sent Jeeves where he belongs.”

  Poker Night

  Lucien greeted Death and Chronos with a jovial salute as they arrived for the monthly poker game.

  “Glad you could make it, gentlemen. I want to thank the two of you for sending Jeeves to me.”

  “Why?” Death said. “Did you find a