Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

  “Well, now!”

  Suddenly there were three infernally pretty princesses standing before them, in brown, green, and red dresses. All of them wore cute little crowns. “Harmony!” Kody exclaimed, recognizing the one in brown.

  “Kody,” she answered. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m on my Quest to save Xanth from the Curse. These are my Companions Zosi Zombie, the Maiden Yukay, and Zap Griffin.”

  “Zosi!” the green-dressed one said. Her hair was greenish blond, her eyes blue. “I hardly recognized you out of the graveyard. You’re looking so healthy!”

  “Princess Melody, I’m not healthy, I’m alive. I’m on a Quest to restore the zombie population of Xanth.”

  “Oh, that’s good. We’re almost out of zombies.”

  “And I know you, Yukay,” the third princess said. Her green eyes contrasted with her red dress and hair.

  “Yes, Princess Rhythm,” Yukay agreed. “I decided to be a Companion.”

  “But we came here only so I could reassure my friends that I was on the Quest,” Zosi said.

  “I’m sure they are eager to hear your news. They are being called to action now. Bye.”

  All three were gone as suddenly as they had appeared. Zosi smiled. “Sometimes I think the princesses dismay visitors more than the zombies do. Still, the zombies have their ways. Once when they were annoyed, they staged a sit-down strike, leaving rotting pieces by the front gate.”

  Kody noted that now Zosi was speaking of the zombies in the third person. That suggested that she was getting used to being alive.

  “They surely made their point,” Yukay said, amused. “But what’s this about being called to action?”

  “We are about to find out,” Kody said.

  “I know better, but the Curse still affects me,” Yukay said. “I know the three princesses are pretty, but to me they looked like young hags, and they must have seen me the same way.”

  “They, and you, all look pretty to me,” Kody said. Then he was struck by a stray thought that happened to be passing. “How did they look to you, Zap?”

  UGLY

  “So the Curse affects you too, though you are not human. That’s interesting.”

  “It affects our perception of the animals too,” Yukay said. “How does Zap look to you, Kody?”

  “Gorgeous. She’s a magnificent creature.”

  “Squawk,” Zap said, amused.

  “To me she looks gnarled and blotchy.”

  UGLY Zap agreed, understanding perfectly.

  “We really need to get this fixed,” Zosi said.

  “I don’t want to be offensive,” Kody said. “But there’s something about zombies I don’t understand. Do they really eat human brains, and if so, why?”

  Zosi looked at him with horror. “You thought I wanted to eat your brain?”

  “Not you, specifically,” he said quickly. “You’re alive. But can we trust your friends?”

  “We don’t eat brains!” Zosi said indignantly. “In fact we don’t eat anything. That’s why we’re fading away.”

  “That’s a relief. Maybe what I heard was wrong.”

  “There are other fantasy lands,” Yukay said. “Maybe their zombies eat brains. Xanth zombies just drag about sloughing off pieces of themselves.”

  “That must be it,” Kody said.

  “I wouldn’t eat you even if I were in zombie mode,” Zosi said.

  “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

  They walked to the graveyard in back. There was activity there. “Oh, no,” Zosi said. “They are fighting off an attack, and there aren’t enough of us to succeed.”

  The scene was strange. Half a dozen zombies were busy trying to move some sort of chain away from the castle, but there weren’t enough of them to move all of it at once. Wherever they were not pushing, it was advancing. Progress was slow, but it was evident that in several more days it would cross the graveyard and encroach on the castle proper.

  Kody focused, but could not clarify exactly what the chain was made of. First it seemed to be formed of mundane cigarettes, which didn’t make much sense here. The zombies tried to push them away, but they emitted clouds of smoke that set the zombies to coughing. It seemed their lungs were not in good condition. One of them got a tattered if not actually rotten fan and used it to blow the smoke back. When it cleared the scene, there was something else looping across, flapping in the wind but not giving way because each piece was linked securely to the next. They looked like envelopes for letters. Another zombie fetched a big pair of rusty scissors and cut a link, and the letters blew away. Only to be replaced by what seemed to be loops of food. The zombies started getting hit by pies in their faces. But it all seemed to be part of the same general phenomenon. “Exactly what is that thing?” he asked.

  A zombie overhead him. “Czhainzz!” it said.

  “Chains?”

  “Yezz.”

  Then Yukay caught on. “Chains,” she agreed. “Chain smoking. Chain letters. Food chain.”

  “And when they balk one chain, another takes its place,” Zosi said.

  “Squawk.”

  They looked at Zap. On her side was the word YUKAY.

  “But I have no idea,” Yukay protested.

  “Maybe I do,” Kody said. “These are puns.”

  “Zombies are not good at puns,” Zosi said. “It takes brains to handle them.”

  “And sometimes a cast-iron stomach,” Yukay agreed. “I kept that hanky-panky mainly because I refuse to let it get the better of me.”

  “But Zap is good at puns,” Kody said. “So we are armed, as it were.”

  Sure enough, Zap’s side said FOOD CHAIN. She had caught on before Yukay did.

  Meanwhile the zombies were still struggling ineffectively with the chains. When they tried to eat the food, not only did it do them no good, the chain changed to a group of prisoners chained together as they hacked weeds. The zombies couldn’t get near without risking getting hacked themselves.

  CHAIN GANG

  But soon a new zombie roused from its grave: a zombie dragon. It reared up on two or three of its hind legs and breathed out a blast of blue fire.

  The prisoners retreated. “Just as well,” Zosi said. “Old Dragtail’s fire has long since gone cold. That’s why it’s blue. They were lucky.”

  Now something else happened. The prisoners crashed into a tree loaded with pans. It was of course a pan-pipe tree, as Zap printed, but here near the zombie graveyard its pans were deformed. A pan dropped onto a row of zzz’s that came from a sleeping man, waking him. The zzz’s veered wildly, crossing out a section of the landscape before fading out. The man staggered onto a shiny new floor he had made, because he was a floor-ist, making footprints in the floor before it properly set. Now the zzz’s were replaced by @#$%&!! and worse as he swore villainous bleeps at the damage. The ferocious interjections collided with a pile of window frames, and windows popped up, filled with salesmen who eagerly yammered their sales pitches. “Buy our Micro-Wave; its tiny puffs of air will blow bugs away!” one shouted. “And if that doesn’t do it, our Mega-Wave will blow your whole house away!” “Do your robots have a bad case of corrosion?” another yelled. “Buy our anti-oxidant!”

  Then a window banged into a sleeping animal, and it woke with a growl. It was a Bear Minimum, a small creature from Ursa Minor, and it was not pleased to be disturbed. It leaped at the window, smashing it into splinters and shards.

  “What are we seeing?” Kody asked, amazed.

  “I think it’s another chain,” Yukay said. “A Chain of Events.”

  Kody glanced at Zap, where those words were printed. He should have looked before asking. He groaned. “We have to get rid of it.”

  The zombies charged at the Bear. The Bear seemed fearless, but when it saw the oncoming rot it hurriedly retreated. Kody realized that this was the real advantage of the zombies: even savage animals and fearless warriors feared them, because of the rot. Zombies didn’t have to e
at brains to be frightful.

  Then there appeared a line of men. They seemed to be officers in an army, with the lead one a lowly enlisted man and those following being of increasing rank right up to a six-star general.

  “It’s a Chain of Command,” Kody murmured, seeing Zap’s words.

  Yukay stepped up to an officer about halfway along. “Hello, sir,” she said brightly. “I wonder if you—oops!” She had brought out the hanky, and it had tugged away from her hand and blown away on the wind.

  Immediately the officer leaped out of the line and chased the hanky. Officers were by definition gentlemen, and could not let a lady be embarrassed. But it avoided him almost teasingly, dancing in the air before flying on. Soon both of them were out of sight.

  Yukay faced the line. “One link of the Chain of Command has broken ranks and is lost,” she said. “The chain is broken.”

  The other officers looked bewildered. Then they faded like dissipating demons. All the chains were broken.

  “I don’t know why I did that,” Yukay said. “I wasn’t even thinking.”

  “I believe we have just seen your talent in action,” Kody said. “You did exactly the right thing, with no preparation.”

  She nodded. “I suppose I did. I couldn’t have done it if I had thought about it.”

  “Here come the zombies,” Zosi said.

  “Um, yes,” Kody agreed, a bit nervous despite Zosi’s reassurance. He saw Zap and Yukay fidgeting the same way he was. None of them were eager to embrace a zombie, or even to shake hands.

  Zosi went out to meet them. “Hello, Zam!” she said, hugging the male zombie who had first identified the chains for Kody. He was a cavernously gaunt figure with tattered clothing and sickly recessed eyeballs. “I am on the Quest! These are my Companions.” She glanced back. “They are normals. You know what that means.”

  “Kheep our dishtance,” Zam agreed. “But thanx for the helph.” He had only two front teeth, complicating his speech.

  “You’re welcome,” Yukay said primly.

  Zosi moved on to the next. “Zuzan!” She hugged a female zombie whose straggling hair seemed to be falling out in spoiled hanks. Then the others. “Zeth! Zylvia! Zimon! Zamantha!” That was the lot. There were only six zombies, where the gravesites indicated there had been hundreds. They plainly needed reinforcements.

  “I think zombies gradually wear out,” Yukay murmured. “They are forever shedding parts of themselves, and finally there’s not enough of them left to function.”

  Kody had already concluded as much. “How did zombies get started?” he asked.

  “There used to be the Zombie Master, at Castle Zombie. He made zombies by reviving dead people. But he retired twelve years ago, and since then no new zombies have been made. Now the castle is run by Breanna of the Black Wave and Justin Tree—he was a tree for decades—and they are very good, but they can’t make new zombies. All they can do is assign the existing ones. So it seems it is a problem.”

  “A problem,” Kody agreed. “I hope Zosi is able to come through for them.”

  “She’s a nice girl. Maybe it will work out.” But Yukay did not seem confident.

  Soon Zosi returned. “I told them we would do our best,” she said. “Now they can return to their graves and rest until the next threat comes. I hope we can solve the problem before then.”

  “We all hope so,” Kody said.

  They watched as the zombies returned to their scattered graves and sank into the soil. Then all was quiet.

  The three princesses reappeared. “Well done,” Melody said.

  “We left it to you so Yukay could exercise her talent,” Harmony added.

  “Now we will entertain you for the night at Castle Roogna,” Rhythm concluded. “Zap too.”

  “We’ll show you the Magic Tapestry,” Melody said.

  “And all the other sights,” Harmony continued.

  “And introduce you to the Moat Monster,” Rhythm concluded.

  “That really isn’t necessary,” Yukay demurred.

  “Because we’re in charge while the elders are off setting up the Contest, and it’s boring here,” Melody said, starting another round of dialogue.

  “But we have Quests to accomplish,” Kody said, not liking the idea of delaying when time was surely short.

  Princess Harmony produced a little harmonica and played a single note. “What did you say?” she asked.

  “I said we’ll be glad to be entertained,” Kody said, surprising himself. He realized belatedly that the princesses had used magic on him. Also, that they tended to alternate talking, the three taking turns.

  “That’s what we thought you said,” Princess Rhythm said.

  “Never try to say no to a princess,” Yukay murmured. “They don’t understand the word.”

  So it seemed. He had inadvertently interrupted their round of dialogue, and they had promptly dealt with him. They looked like innocent girls, but he was aware that looks could be highly deceptive. They probably had histories that would make him wince.

  “What contest is this?” Yukay inquired.

  “We’re not supposed to tell you,” Melody said.

  “Which is weird, because it has nothing to do with you,” Harmony continued.

  “So we’re home alone, and want to know all about you,” Rhythm concluded.

  Kody saw the way of it. “We’ll be happy to oblige.”

  “We were sure you would be,” the three said together, laughing.

  6

  ILLUSION FIELDS

  In the morning, thoroughly entertained, they set out again for zeroing in. Kody explained briefly how it worked. “I am immune to the Curse of Reversal. Zosi isn’t. So we will go places, and rate our perceptions of other folk, and try to travel in the direction of the most extreme. That will be where the Bomb is.”

  “What about the zombies?” Yukay asked alertly.

  “The Good Magician says I will find my answer in the course of helping him find his,” Zosi said.

  “And Zap and I hope to find ours in the same manner,” Yukay said.

  “It seems far-fetched, but that’s the essence,” Kody said. “Maybe you’d be better off going to the Good Magician after all.”

  She eyed him with that slightly disturbing appraisal. “And maybe not.”

  “Squawk,” Zap agreed.

  Kody wasn’t sure what was on her mind, so he dismissed it from his mind. “We can check now, as this is a different place from where we last checked. Zosi, on our scale of one to ten, where do you see me now?”

  “You’re about as homely as before,” Zosi said. “Maybe a two.”

  “What about me?” Yukay asked.

  “Down near zero.”

  “Not surprising,” Kody said quickly. “You are a very attractive woman.”

  “While I see you as a two, and Zosi as a four.”

  “I’m not as pretty as he is handsome,” Zosi agreed a trifle wistfully.

  “How about you?” Yukay asked Zap.

  ZERO TWO FOUR

  Kody laughed. “Same readout. At least we agree.”

  “We’d be better off with some disagreement,” Yukay said. “To be sure we’re not just being nice to get along. But it does seem like a valid reading.”

  “So this is similar to our last reading,” Kody said. “Only maybe a bit more extreme. I think we need another reading.”

  “Yes,” Zosi agreed. “We need big changes, not small ones.”

  Kody brought out the chessboard. He refused to think of it privately as a cheese board. “So where do we go next?”

  “To get the best base for triangulation,” Yukay said, “we should travel to a far edge of Xanth. Then to another far edge, in the form of a giant triangle.”

  “Which of these pictures shows a far edge?” Zosi asked, looking at the board.

  There was the problem: no pictures were labeled. The scenes were varied, but they had little way to ascertain where they were.

  “One of those is
on the coast,” Yukay said. “Castle Roogna is in the center, so that could be a fair distance.”

  “It will have to do,” Kody agreed.

  They gathered together and touched the coast picture. And they were there.

  The incoming waves were silvery, and so was the sand. The plants farther in were silver. A silver crab scuttled past.

  “The Silver Coast,” Yukay said. “That’s adjacent to the Gold Coast. Beyond it will be the Copper Coast. Nothing much edible here.”

  Kory shrugged. “I hope you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

  “Fortunately we don’t have to stay here long,” Zosi said quickly.

  They checked their perceptions, and concluded that the differential was about the same as before.

  They checked the board again. “What about this one?” Zosi asked. “It looks nice.”

  It looked like nothing so much as a huge mud puddle to Kody, but he didn’t argue. He just wanted to get a better differential. The others agreed.

  But when they got there, Kody’s perception turned out to be right. They sank almost waist-deep into a brown swamp.

  “It’s a sinkhole!” Kody said, alarmed.

  “No, it’s worse,” Yukay said, wrinkling her nose. “It’s a stink hole.”

  “Squawk!” If a beak could wrinkle, hers would have been corrugated.

  “And griffins are notoriously wary of taint,” Yukay said. “They won’t touch spoiled meat. And she’s too fouled to fly.”

  Now Kody smelled it. Putrid liquefied garbage. It seemed the smells were not reversed by the Curse. “Maybe I can help,” he said. He conjured a reverse wood chip and flipped it into the brine.

  It worked. Now the scent was of pristine perfume.

  “But it’s still garbage,” Zosi said as they slogged to the bank. “We’d better clean it off. Before we go anywhere else.”

  The others agreed. “But where can we find clean water?” Kody asked.

  They looked around. Not too far distant was a mountain, and it looked as if there was a river coursing down it. “There should be a pool at the base of that mount,” Yukay said. “We’ll have to cut cross-country to reach it, but do we have an alternative?”

  “Is it safe?” Kody asked.

  “By no means. Backwoods Xanth is dangerous.”