Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

  “I will flip a chip at anything that seems dangerous,” Kody said.

  “Sometimes the worst dangers don’t look like it.”

  “But what else can we do?” Zosi asked. “As a zombie this sort of thing never bothered me. But now that I’m alive, I detest it.”

  They set off, forging grimly toward the mountain. First Kody, then Zosi, then Yukay, then Zap as rear guard. The bog they had landed in soon gave way to dry sand, then regular dirt. Plants sprang up, and brush thickened. Kody spied a narrow path through the brush, and followed it. That was his mistake.

  Because suddenly the path wasn’t there. He stepped off a ledge and fell into a hole. Fortunately it was covered by turf so he didn’t hurt himself as he landed on hands and knees. “Ooof!” he grunted belatedly.

  “What happened?” Zosi asked, halting in place.

  “I stepped into a hole I didn’t see,” Kody said, picking himself up.

  “What hole?”

  “This one.” He looked down at his feet. And did a double-take.

  His body was knee-deep in the ground. He could see his feet, but also the ground, two images occupying the same space. Yet he was sure his feet were not buried; they felt normal.

  Yukay and Zap caught up. They looked.

  “Oh, my,” Yukay said.

  “Squawk,” Zap agreed.

  “Have you any idea what I’m into?” Kody asked. “Because I don’t.”

  “Illusion,” Yukay said.

  “Illusion?”

  “More specifically, an illusion hole. Rather, a natural hole covered over by illusion. I haven’t encountered it before, but I know it when I see it.”

  Kody lifted one leg and put it down half a step back the way he had come. It found lodging on a steep bank. Now it looked as if the ground covered it only ankle-deep. He lifted the other foot and found the regular ground. In most of a moment he was standing on the real ground again. Neither leg was dirty. “This is weird.”

  Yukay squatted beside him. She reached forward and down. Her hand passed through the ground and went below. “Definitely a hole. The level ground is the illusion.”

  “What’s illusion doing here?” Kody asked.

  “Illusion is all over Xanth,” Yukay said, standing up again. “Small animals use it to conceal their existence from predators. Plants use it to prevent themselves from being eaten, or to make their flowers more beautiful. Women use it to make their faces pretty; it’s called makeup. It’s very useful.”

  “So some plant is covering this hole? Why?”

  “It could be nickelpedes.”

  “Whats?” He had heard the term before, but couldn’t quite place it.

  “The larger cousin of centipedes. They gouge out nickel-sized chunks of flesh from folk they catch. Most folk are careful to avoid their pits. So they might use illusion.”

  Centipede. Nickelpede. More Xanth puns. “I did not get gouged,” Kody said. Now he remembered: Zosi had encountered them before being zombied.

  “And I did not get my hand chomped,” Yukay said. “So it’s not that. But something must have generated this illusion, for some purpose.”

  “Maybe there are other holes,” Zosi said.

  “Yes,” Yukay said. “So we should take precautions.”

  “Like getting canes or poles to prod the ground ahead of us,” Kody said. “I was lucky I didn’t get hurt. I don’t want to blunder into another hole.”

  “None of us do,” Yukay agreed. She looked around. “Some of these saplings should do to make staffs.”

  Zosi took two cautious steps and reached for a sapling. Her hand passed through it. “Uh-oh.”

  “More illusion?” Yukay asked.

  “Yes. I see it, but it’s not there.” Zosi swept her hand through the tree several times.

  Zap walked carefully to a tree. She touched it with a wingtip. The wing passed through it without resistance. ILLUSION she printed, confirming it.

  “This portends mischief,” Yukay said. “The entire scene may be illusion. Why would anyone or anything take the trouble to do this?”

  “How could anyone do this?” Zosi asked. “This may be a scene worthy of the Sorceress Iris.”

  “Iris?” Kody asked.

  “King Emeritus Trent’s wife,” Yukay answered. “She was delivered a hundred and twelve years ago and became the most powerful mistress of illusion Xanth has seen. She was youthened nineteen years ago, and is still extant. She could have done this, and probably did, because magic talents are reluctant to repeat, especially the top-level ones. Assuming this is her handiwork, the question is why? Why would she bother to craft a scene in the middle of nowhere? She was never the frivolous kind.”

  “Maybe a new retirement retreat?” Zosi suggested.

  “Possible,” Yukay agreed. “We have not encountered hostile animals or plants. That would align.”

  “So are we intruding?” Kody asked. “I don’t want to run afoul of a Sorceress.” Or a capital D Demon, if that were the responsible party.

  “I see no warning signs,” Yukay said. “She could readily have made it clear this was reserved territory, if she wanted to.”

  “Let’s assume the Sorceress did it,” Kody said. “And did not post it. Could it be like a public park? For visitors to enjoy?”

  “That is possible,” Yukay agreed.

  “In which case we don’t need to vacate it, just get through it.”

  “So we can get ourselves clean,” Yukay agreed.

  “Then let’s find some real saplings or fallen wood and try to make it on to that mountain pool beyond,” Kody said.

  The others agreed. They explored carefully, and did manage to find several sticks. Then they moved forward, each tapping the ground ahead to spot holes or obstacles.

  Kody circled his hole and stepped forward. Soon he encountered an invisible boulder that he would have smacked into without the pole. The illusion had covered it over with the appearance of more level ground.

  “You know, we might as well be blindfolded,” he said. “Or proceeding through pitch black. We can’t trust anything we see.”

  “Except each other,” Yukay said. “So we had better keep our eyes open.”

  Progress was slow, but without mishaps, thanks to their caution. Then there was a sound ahead.

  “Halloo! Can anybody hear me?” It was a man’s voice.

  “That’s not illusion,” Kody said. “Unless now it is doing sound too.”

  “Should we answer?” Zosi asked.

  “Why not?” Kody said. “That will determine whether there’s a real person there.”

  The others nodded, albeit slightly nervously.

  Kody cupped his hands to his mouth. “Halloo! We hear you!”

  “Oh great! Stay there. Let me join you, now that I have a direction.”

  “Right,” Kody agreed.

  They waited while the man approached with clumsy footsteps, running afoul of illusions. Soon he was visible, a tall, reasonably handsome blond.

  “Oh, thank you!” the man said. “I hate being lost in this illusion, but I couldn’t find my way out of it. I’m Ivan.”

  “Kody.”

  “Yukay.”

  “Zosi.”

  “Squawk.”

  “I was going to explore a lovely mountain I hadn’t seen before, and I got caught in this mass of illusion and couldn’t find my way out.” Ivan shuddered. “I never was much concerned about illusion before, but I have a healthy respect for it now. Oh—my talent is making things fatter or thinner.”

  “Conjuring chips of reverse wood.”

  “Doing new things without thinking.”

  “Conjuring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

  PAINTING WORDS

  “I’m glad to meet all of you,” Ivan said. “So do you know anything about this illusion?”

  “No, we blundered into it just as you did,” Kody said. “We’ve been picking our way through, going toward the same mountain. We think the Sorceress Iris must
have made the illusion, but we don’t know why.”

  “Well, if you will be kind enough to point out the way you came, I’ll backtrack and escape it.”

  “That won’t help,” Kody said. “We first blundered into a stink hole, and fell into it by being conjured from elsewhere. So we don’t know the way out.”

  “A stink hole,” Ivan said. “I was trying not to remark on the odor.”

  “Thank you,” Yukay said.

  “Failing that, I suppose there is no way to go but forward. May I join you for that? It seems we all have a common mission: to escape the illusions.”

  “Welcome,” Kody said. “We were headed for the mountain, though that too may be illusion.” He realized belatedly that his reverse wood chip fix had worn off, so the smell was back.

  “So if you try to go there, and get lost, you may find yourself out of the illusion,” Ivan pointed out.

  Kody laughed. “That hadn’t occurred to us, but it may be so.”

  “Let me form a staff of my own,” Ivan said. He felt around his feet and found a long straw.

  “That isn’t solid enough,” Yukay said.

  “You forget my talent.” Ivan held up the straw, focusing on it. It thickened until it was a stout stick.

  “That’s a useful talent,” Yukay said appreciatively. “Does it work the other way?”

  “Yes, I can make fat things thin.”

  “What about people?”

  “Them too,” Ivan said. “I can also do parts of things, like making women’s busts bigger. It makes me popular with some women.”

  “It surely does!” Yukay agreed. “So why aren’t you making women happy?”

  “There’s more to a woman than her bust, whatever she may think,” he answered seriously. “I wanted to get away from that attitude.”

  “You just made one excellent answer.”

  “Well, there’s more to a man than muscle, too.”

  Yukay affected amazement. “There is?”

  Ivan smiled. “I can see that we’re going to get along.”

  Now Zosi had a question. “This pervasive illusion covers everything. Why is that straw—now a cane—visible?”

  “Why, I’m not sure,” Ivan said. “It was invisible until I picked it up.”

  “I think I have an answer,” Yukay said. “The illusion is an overlay on whatever else is here. But it’s passive; it doesn’t affect new things. That’s why we’re visible; we came from outside after the illusion had been laid out. So we show up like footprints in new mud. When you found and moved the straw, it became in effect a new thing, and visible. Probably anything we move will become visible too.”

  “A trail!” Kody said. “We can make a trail! So we’ll know where we have been, and will be able to find our way back to this spot.”

  “Let’s try it,” Ivan agreed. He scuffed the ground with his feet, and scuff marks appeared. “We’re still lost, but maybe less lost than we were.”

  “That, oddly, sounds encouraging,” Yukay said.

  They resumed traveling, all of them tapping with the poles. That did save them some nasty collisions and falls. The scuffed trail appeared behind them. With growing confidence they made better progress, and maybe halfway reasonably soon enough, to be precise, they approached the mountain.

  It was indeed illusion, as was the river pouring down it. They walked right through both river and mountain. “Bleep!” Yukay swore. “I did so want to get clean. I don’t like being a stinker.”

  “There must be water somewhere,” Zosi said.

  “Squawk!”

  They looked at Zap. On her side was written the word LISTEN.

  They paused to listen. In the moderate medium distance was the sound of splashing. Water!

  They made their way toward it. They came to the outskirts of a fine illusion palace surrounded by lovely gardens. In one garden was a fountain. The splashing sound was coming from there.

  “Could it be a real fountain?” Yukay asked. “Concealed by the fake scenery?”

  “Let’s find out,” Zosi said, forging toward it.

  They walked through a surrounding illusion hedge and saw the fountain. It was in the middle of a pool. In the pool was a lovely nude young woman, splashing as she washed herself. She had blue eyes and lustrous blond/brown hair, in addition to remarkably aesthetic limbs and torso. Especially the torso.

  Kody and Ivan both stared, Kody on the verge of freaking out. Only the lack of bra or panties saved his eyeballs from crystallizing. “Real or illusion?” Ivan whispered.

  “Could be real,” Kody said. “Because of the sound.”

  The woman heard him. She turned and looked. “Eeeeek!” she screamed, and disappeared.

  “That was a five-E scream,” Yukay said. “That kind is usually genuine.”

  “But she’s gone,” Kody said. “That suggests illusion.”

  “There’s a ripple,” Zosi said.

  “Squawk!” They looked at Zap, who now had the word NAGA on her hide.

  “A naga!” Yukay said. “That explains it. She turned into a snake and swam away underwater.”

  “What is a naga?” Kody asked.

  “One of the crossbreeds of Xanth,” Yukay said. “Half human, half snake. They can assume either form at will, or something in between. They can be friendly if they choose.”

  “I hope she’s friendly,” Ivan said. “She doesn’t need any thinning or thickening.”

  “I’ll say!” Kody agreed.

  “Too bad I couldn’t have glimpsed her before the Curse,” Ivan said. “I’d have freaked blissfully out. As it is I can only recognize that she’s a stunning beauty, while being sickened by the look of her.”

  Ah, yes: he saw beauty as ugly.

  “You foolish boys stay here,” Yukay said severely. “We girls will handle this.” She knew that Kody was near freaking out. He was half bemused by the phenomenon. He had never been this way in Mundania.

  Yukay, Zosi, and Zap walked to the pool. “Naga!” Yukay called. “We are friendly. Are you?”

  A face appeared above the water. “Who are you?”

  “We’re a party on a Quest. We got lost in the illusion. Then we heard you.”

  “I’m on my own mission. I’m Naomi Naga.”

  “I’m Yukay. This is Zosi Zombie. And this is Zap Griffin.”

  “Zombie?” Her voice was sharp.

  “She’s alive for the duration of our Quest.”

  “What is your Quest?”

  “Two Quests, actually. One is to locate the source of the Curse and turn it off. The other is to restore more zombies to Xanth, because they are becoming scarce.”

  “Who would want more zombies? They’re almost as bad as rotten puns.”

  “They have their uses. Rotten puns don’t.”

  “What about your menfolk? I saw them staring at me.”

  “They are Kody and Ivan. Kody sees things as they are.”

  “That’s why he was staring!”

  “That’s why,” Yukay agreed. “So if you’re quite clean now, you had better cover up.”

  “I’ll fetch my clothes.” The head moved swiftly across the water. Kody saw now that it was on the body of a big snake. At the far side of the pool the snake slithered out of the water, became the nude woman, and picked up clothing waiting there. Soon Naomi was thoroughly decent, unfortunately.

  “Our turn,” Yukay said, and jumped into the water, clothing and all. So did Zosi. Zap joined them, spreading her wings and splashing them in the water.

  In no more than a moment and a half the girls had doffed their clothing in the water and started rinsing it out. Now it was their bodies that threatened to freak Kody out, especially Yukay’s.

  Yukay looked across at him. “You can rinse too, Kody,” she called. “Remember, we see you as ugly.”

  “But I see you as lovely,” he called back.

  “Oh, that’s right. Too bad. You can wash, but face away from us.”

  Kody did that, and soon was rins
ing his own clothing in the water, getting the stink off.

  There was a ripple before him. Then Naomi’s head appeared. “What’s this about you seeing girls as lovely?”

  “I thought you were dressed on the far bank!” he said, trying ineffectively to cover up.

  “I was. But I changed again. Is it true?” She shifted back to woman form and inhaled.

  Kody covered his eyes before his eyeballs popped their sockets. “Yes, it’s true. Cover up!”

  “I changed part way,” she said. “You can look.”

  He looked. Now she was the snake with the human head. The naga form. “Thanks.”

  “How is it you are immune to the Curse? I thought it affected everyone in Xanth.”

  “It does. I’m from Mundania. And I’m not really here. I’m dreaming.”

  Naomi smiled. “Are you calling me a dream woman?”

  “Yes, in more than one sense. But what I mean is that when I wake, I’ll be gone from here. That may contribute to my immunity.”

  “That’s intriguing.” Now arms and breasts appeared below the head, while the rest of the body remained serpentine.

  “Stop that!” he snapped.

  “Oops; I let the change get sloppy.” The snake torso reappeared up to the human head.

  Had it really been carelessness? Kody had the distinct impression she was flirting with him. Unfortunately that made her even more appealing. He had never heard of a naga before, but was considerably intrigued. “Naomi, what’s on your mind?”

  “Good question,” Yukay said. She and Zosi had come up behind him in the water.

  He started to turn, saw their continued bareness, and turned back. Were they flirting with him too? If so, it was highly effective. All three of them had his full attention, or three-thirds of it.

  “I am on my own mission, as I said,” Naomi said. “Some miscreant is hunting and butchering naga folk for their hides.”

  “Their hides?” Yukay asked.

  “Nagahide,” Naomi agreed. “I have to stop it.”

  Kody groaned inwardly. There was a horrible pun there.

  “I should think so,” Yukay said. “But we have no knowledge of this.”

  “You’re not a naga.”

  “True. Why were you flashing Kody?”

  “I didn’t believe he could be immune. How else could I check?”