Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

  “She did not.”

  “That’s a curious omission.”

  “It is indeed,” Dread agreed. “Had I known that, I would not have targeted you for consumption.”

  “You targeted me?”

  “Not specifically. Your party appeared in the Ever and Ever Glades with several delicious-looking humanoids, so I decided to make something of it.”

  “What about the diamonds?”

  “I really doubted you would be able to get them from the goblins.”

  “So it was a pretext?”

  “And a device to keep your party here, so I could harvest them one by one.”

  “That seems unscrupulous.”

  “I am a dragon. Fresh meat does not appear every day. I must go after what I can get. The maidens appear ugly to me, but their meat remains tender, and that’s what counts.”

  “You are affected by the Curse too?”

  “I am. It has soured relations with my dragoness, through no inherent fault of hers. I can’t stand to twine coils with her now. I would like to be rid of the Curse. So it seems I shall have to let you go also, unfortunately. But you should not trust other dragons.”

  “I shall try to be on better guard against your kind hereafter.”

  “However, you do have one thing I would like to get. Those reverse wood chips.”

  “I conjure them. That’s my magic.”

  “But do they last after being conjured? Can they be stored?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Because if I had a bag of them, I could find uses for them that could be more valuable to me than diamonds.”

  “Why should I conjure you a bag of chips?”

  “Perhaps we can trade.” Dread put a paw down into the straw of his nest and brought out a small object. “You should find this useful.”

  “What is it?”

  “A magical sword. I can’t use it, but it should work for you.”

  “It looks like a penknife.”

  “Try it.”

  Kody took it from the dragon’s paw. It had a fairly stout handle, but the blade was barely two inches long. “Some sword!”

  “Pretend I am about to chomp you, and all you have is that weapon.”

  Kody brought up the knife. Suddenly it was a good foot long. He made a feint with it, and it was two feet long. But still no heavier than the penknife.

  “Illusion?” he asked.

  “No. Try tapping it against my scales.” The dragon presented his armored shoulder.

  Kody tapped. The blade clanked against the shoulder, and a scale was dislodged. “Ooo, that smarts,” Dread said, drawing back.

  “But I barely touched you!”

  “I repeat, it is magic. It expands to whatever size is appropriate, and it strikes with full force at the business end, while remaining feather light to the wielder. It’s a good sword. An amateur could use it to good effect.”

  “I’m amateur, all right.” Kody was intrigued. “You want to trade this fantastic weapon for a bag of reverse wood chips?”

  “Yes. To trade an artifact I can’t use, for one I can. Deal?”

  “Deal!” Kody said. “Do you have a bag?”

  The dragon scrounged in the straw and came up with a small bag. Kody conjured a chip and dropped it into the bag. He conjured another, and a third. Before long he had filled the bag with about twenty chips. They nestled comfortably, not reversing anything.

  “That will do,” Dread said, closing the bag.

  “Don’t you want to test them, to be sure they work?”

  “I know they work. I can smell their magical power.”

  “Then it seems we have a deal.” Kody put the little knife in a pocket.

  “Our business is concluded,” Dread agreed. “But I am curious. What is this business about dreaming?”

  “I am Mundane. I am in a drugged sleep, and this is where my mind is for the moment. It is an interesting adventure.”

  “So probably if I had chomped you, you would have dissipated, being put out of your dream.”

  “That is my theory. I haven’t cared to test it.”

  “You should make the most of it. Those girls will be happy to oblige you.”

  “I am trying to treat them like the responsible individuals they are.”

  “Naomi says you favor the zombie.”

  “Zosi is a person.”

  “So Naomi is right.”

  Was the dragon baiting him? “Naomi is right,” he agreed.

  “Here is my reasoning: you probably do not have long to remain in this realm. You could die or be awakened at any time. So you might as well indulge yourself while you can. You are unlikely to get such opportunities in drear Mundania.”

  “You proffer dragon logic. I am not a dragon.” But the dragon was scoring.

  “Even if the girls desire your indulgence, and will be frustrated if you depart leaving them unfulfilled? Whom does your abstinence benefit?”

  Zap arrived. Kody was relieved, because the dragon’s question was beyond his ability to answer. “If we ever meet again, let’s not fight,” Kody said.

  “Agreed. You are an interesting, if deluded character.”

  Kody took the lighter knot and mounted the griffin. “Thank you.”

  They flew back to the others. Both Yukay and Zosi threw their arms around him and kissed him.

  “That dragon makes a lot of sense, doesn’t he?” Naomi remarked knowingly.

  Too much sense. But Kody kept his mouth shut.

  It was now late in the day. They feasted on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and caught up on things. Kody showed the others the sword he had traded for, while the girls, sitting innocently cross-legged on the ground, showed him more than he was comfortable with.

  “We have foraged for blankets,” Yukay said. “But it may get cool at night. Choose any one or two of us to share a blanket with tonight.”

  There might be protection in numbers. “You and Zosi, each of us individually wrapped. We can lie together like logs.”

  “You are not being very sporting,” Yukay complained. But they complied.

  As darkness closed Kody had difficulty finding sleep. The dragon’s words kept running through his mind. Was he being a fool? He would never have opportunity like this in Mundania.

  They needed to get on with the mission.

  9

  DEMO DERBY

  In the morning Kody pried himself out from between the two women, whose body warmth had indeed lent comfort when the chill came. He saw that Naomi and Ivan had slept similarly wrapped beside Zap, whose larger mass had kept them warm. Zap foraged for food and found a nearby pie plant, so they didn’t have to eat sandwiches for breakfast. And of course they washed up, Kody trying to tactfully avoid having the girls wash him.

  Averting his gaze from the bare girls, Kody spied something he might not otherwise have noticed in the adjacent brush: it looked like an eyeball in a green globe on a stem. A plant of some sort. The eye seemed to be focusing on the girls. Could a plant have an urge to peep?

  Zap saw him looking. “Squawk.” On her side were the words EYE POD. Then: GOURD SEEDLING

  Kody didn’t get it, so let it be.

  And he continued to wonder: was he being a fool? It seemed the girls had decided to cooperate with each other in encouraging him to select one of them for something more intimate than dialogue. Maybe after he was with one, it would be the turn of another, and finally the third. He was pretty sure he would enjoy being with any and all of them, in whatever manner they chose. So why did he still hesitate? Yet he did.

  Then, clean and fed, they brought out the chessboard. Some of the little pictures had changed, but they could not identify any that showed the region of Xanth they wanted to go to. Several might be what they wanted, but there was no positive marker.

  Then Kody spied one that interested him for another reason: it had cars. They looked like actual, genuine, Mundane vintage cars, the very kind he liked. It was only a hobby, but the prospe
ct of checking out such vehicles in Xanth attracted him magnetically.

  “I’d like to go there,” he said, pointing.

  Yukay wrinkled her nose. “It looks like Mundania!”

  “Yes. Mundane cars. I like them.”

  “Let’s vote on it.” Yukay looked at Ivan. “Are you ready to go there?”

  Ivan shrugged. “I’ve never seen a car. I’d like to see one.”

  She looked at Zap. “You, birdbrain?”

  “Squawk,” the griffin agreed. Zap was generally ready to go along with whatever the others wanted; it was part of her accommodation with her soul.

  “Two votes for,” Yukay said. “The remaining three will have to be earned.”

  “Earned?” Kody asked.

  “One kiss buys one vote.” The others nodded.

  “Does this make sense to you?” Kody asked Ivan.

  “Sure, if you can stand it. Why would you ever kiss them otherwise?” Ivan knew of Kody’s immunity to the Curse, but had trouble relating to it in practice. To him the girls were hideous.

  “Zap?”

  “Squawk.” On her side appeared the word SEDUCTION.

  So the girls were really determined. Maybe they knew how the dragon’s cynical appraisal had shaken him, and were capitalizing on it.

  “One kiss,” he agreed.

  Yukay stepped up. She put her arms about him, drew him in close, and lifted her face. She kissed him deeply, her mouth partway open.

  It did have effect. He felt as if he were floating. He could readily have drifted with her to some private scene and taken it further. He was halfway freaking out.

  She stepped back, allowing him to recover. Then Naomi came forward. She took his hands and put them around her, just so, his hands on her sleek bottom. Then she kissed him, and tongued him. This time he did freak out, and found himself standing alone after she had withdrawn.

  Finally it was Zosi. She did not demand an embrace. She merely stood on tiptoes and kissed him fleetingly on the lips. “I love you,” she whispered as she withdrew.

  He grabbed her and kissed her again, ardently. He couldn’t help it.

  “What does she have that we don’t?” Naomi asked rhetorically.

  “Bleep!” Yukay swore. “She trumped us.”

  She had indeed. Kody was more than ready to go with her and do anything she might want. Except for the fact that he knew he couldn’t stay here in Xanth, so would be leading her into grief.

  Once his head had cleared from the impact of the kisses, Kody returned to the chessboard. They gathered in close around Zap, and the griffin pecked the indicated picture.

  They stood in what looked like a used car lot. Cars were all around them. Vintage 1970s vehicles in perfect condition. It was like a small slice of heaven.

  “WELCOME TO PLANET DEMO DERBY,” a loudspeaker voice blared. “DRIVERS CHOOSE YOUR CARS FOR THE BIG RACE. IT STARTS IN ONE HOUR.”

  Kody recoiled in horror. This was a demolition derby? With these fine cars?

  “I think we’ve got a problem,” Yukay said. “He’s freaking out, and not from kisses or panties.”

  They led him to a shelter to the side. Zosi took his hands and gazed into his eyes. “What is it?” she inquired gently.

  “It’s a demolition race,” he said. “They are going to destroy all these fine cars! They’re classics of their types, but instead of preserving them—” He broke off, choking up.

  “I think this is a Moon of Ida,” Yukay said. “One devoted to a particular segment of human experience. In this case, Mundane cars of a certain vintage.”

  “A what?” Kody asked.

  “There is an infinite string of worlds accessible only via Princess Ida,” Yukay explained. “Each has its own nature, magic, rules. Some are very strange. This must be one of the stranger ones. We certainly don’t have to stay here if you don’t like it.”

  “I don’t think I want to stay. The idea of wasting all these cars appalls me.”

  “Squawk.”

  They looked at Zap. CHECK AROUND

  Kody nodded. “Yes. We may not stay here long, but we should check to see what else, if anything, it offers. One never knows.”

  Not far off the track there was something vaguely resembling a walrus, busy closing envelopes and boxes. Evidently there were things to be shipped elsewhere, like car parts. Zap saw him looking and squawked: SEAL.

  Kody groaned. Sealing things. He moved on.

  There was a shelter with a large screen. PRIZES: WINNER’S PICK. SUPER MUSCLE CAR. A picture flashed, showing what looked to be a half-million-dollar racing car. PILE OF GOLD COINS. Picture of the golden pile. AFFAIR WITH POLLY ESTER. A surpassingly luscious young woman in translucent plastic clothing and a come-hither-this-instant smile. ROBOT BOMB SNIFFER. A six-legged machine with an antenna.

  The list continued, but Kody tuned it out. A bomb sniffer! Could that sniff out the Bomb that made the Curse, short-cutting their inefficient search? In that case he wanted to try it.

  “What a babe!” Ivan murmured.

  “What, that plastic slut?” Naomi asked.

  “Just the clothing,” Ivan said. “Her body is pure flesh.”

  “Squawk?”

  “Sure, I see her as she is,” Ivan said. “Sheer sex appeal.” Then he did a double-take. “No Curse here!”

  “No Curse,” Yukay agreed. “This isn’t Xanth. We aren’t going to be able to do a divergence comparison, because we’re all aligned. It’s a wasted trip.”

  Kody realized that was true. He had been fascinated by seeing the cars, and messed up the reason for coming here.

  Ivan looked at Yukay. “You’re beautiful again. I hadn’t noticed.”

  “Thank you. You’re handsome.”

  “But you’re interested in Kody, not me.”

  “True. He sees me as I am when the Curse is in force. You’ll be turned off the moment we return to Xanth.”

  “Yes. So maybe I should try for Polly.”

  Yukay smiled cynically. “She can surely give you an artificially good time.”

  “Squawk!”

  They looked at Zap. LAST PRIZE

  Kody looked at the end of the list. PASS TO SOULED WINGED MONSTER ANNEX. That would certainly interest her, as she could probably be right at home there, no longer excluded by her kind.

  “I need to enter that race,” Kody said.

  “For Polly?” Ivan asked.

  “Squawk?”

  “No, not for Polly or the Annex,” he said. “I don’t care about those. For the bomb sniffer.”

  “That does make sense,” Yukay agreed. “That might enable you to complete your Quest in mere hours, instead of trudging around interminably with us.”

  Naomi and Zosi faced away, but not before he caught the glint of a tear at Zosi’s eye.

  That brought him up short. He discovered, now that he saw the prospect of an early conclusion, that he rather liked associating with them. Xanth was impossibly strange, but they had been buffering its wild impact. They had become familiar. Yukay with her ready explanations, Zosi with her niceness, Zap with her complete support. The group was, in its limited fashion, like a family. “Let me think about this.”

  “Of course,” Yukay agreed.

  They were always so decent about what might seem to them like his arbitrary decisions. That did not make him feel better.

  Kody walked in a little circle, pondering. But his thoughts refused to settle. He did not know what he really wanted, or what to do about it.

  “Squawk.”

  He looked at Zap. THREE CARS RACE

  And there it was. Ivan wanted a prize. Zap wanted a prize. Kody wanted a prize. If they all entered the race, maybe one of them would win and get the prize he or she wanted. If it was not Kody, then that issue would be settled; he would continue searching the way they had been doing. If he did win—well, then he could ponder it further. Once again the griffin had come up with a plausible path.

  “Zap, I’m going to kiss you,” he sai
d. He bent to kiss her on the beak, and she did not flinch away though she looked a little surprised. “Now let’s work out the details.”

  They discussed it, and decided that Ivan would drive one car, with Naomi riding with him. Yukay would drive another, with Zap riding with her. And Kody would drive the third, with Zosi.

  Then Kody gave them all lessons in driving, as none of them had done anything like this before. They all piled into a practice car and Kody drove it. “These are stick-shift vehicles,” he said. “Automatic shifts exist, but control is better with stick in tight situations, so we’ll leave the autos to other contestants. First you turn on the motor, like this.” The key was already there. The motor came instantly to life. “Then you press this left-side floor pedal, the clutch. That disengages the motor. Then you use the gearshift to put it in first gear, and—”

  He paused, because all of them were blank.

  “Start over,” he said, turning the motor off. He slid the driver’s seat back. “Yukay, sit on my lap. I will guide your hands and feet.”

  Yukay sat on his lap. She was a marvelously supple lapful. He had her rest her feet on his, and her hands on his. “We start it this way.”

  Soon the car was moving. Then, suddenly, Yukay’s body came to life. She pushed off his hands and feet and started competently driving it, complete with brakes and turn signals. It was her talent manifesting. “That’s it!” he said. “You’ve got it. Just remember it. Can you do that?”

  “I think so,” she said. “The motions are automatic, once I’ve been through them. As long as I stay in the race, making it a single event.”

  “Go get your own car, and make space for Zap.”

  She did. “Now Ivan,” Kody said. “I will ride beside you, and direct your hands and feet.” He did, and after a few missteps Ivan began to get it.

  “This is great!” Ivan said. “I like this machine.”

  “I think you have a natural talent for it. Now go practice with Naomi.”

  Now Kody looked for a car for himself. He selected one that he judged to be not the most powerful, but the most nimble. Maneuvering was likely to count more than velocity, in this deadly race. Zosi rode beside him, fascinated with the way he used his hands and feet to make the thing move back and forth and to the sides.