Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

Kody looked at Zap. “You’re aware of her too?”

  “Squawk.” And on her side appeared the words YOU DO.

  “You heard her too!”

  The griffin nodded.

  “Then maybe she can manifest to all of us,” Kody said. “Not just to me.” That was oddly reassuring.

  I’ll try.

  “Folks,” Kody said. “She says she’ll try. Maybe if you all try to tune in, you’ll see or hear her.”

  The others, who of course believed in ghosts, concentrated.

  “I’m beginning to see her,” Zosi said. “Oops, she’s naked.”

  “She was when she died,” Kody said. “That must lock her into that state.”

  “Fortunately she looks ugly.”

  “Not to me,” Kody said. “She’s beautiful.”

  “So death has not reversed the Curse,” Zosi said. “That’s unkind.”

  “But it makes sense,” Yukay said. “We have established that the Curse affects the viewer, not the viewee. So she looks the same as she did in life, and we see her as we did before.”

  “I’m seeing her,” Ivan said. “As ugly as ever.”

  “Yet for me, as pretty as ever,” Kody said. “It’s a good thing she’s not wearing panties; I’d freak out. As it is, I feel a little giddy.”

  “Try your chip, Ivan,” Yukay said.

  “Good idea.” Ivan unwrapped his chip of reverse wood and held it in his hand. He looked at the shimmering image again. And promptly stiffened into a freak.

  “Without bra or panties,” Yukay said. “That’s potent.” She went to Ivan, held a handkerchief before his face to block off the image, and snapped her fingers.

  “Huh?” he said, shaking his head.

  “Put away your chip. You can’t handle her nude image. You freaked out.”

  Ivan wrapped and pocketed his chip. Now he was out of danger.

  Gradually Naomi became clearer, until she was like an animated glass statue, visible but not yet lifelike.

  Now Zosi took the initiative, perhaps because as a lifelong zombie she had a greater familiarity with the dead. She went to hug the ghost, putting her arms carefully around the form without impinging. “We’re sorry you died. We’re glad to see you back. But why have you come?”

  You need my help.

  “We need your help,” Zosi repeated. “In what way?”

  NoAmi is vicious. She’ll kill you if you let her. You’re not ready to face her.

  “Let’s find a place we can be comfortable,” Yukay said. “Then we can talk with Naomi at our leisure. We can sure benefit from what she has to tell us.”

  They cast about. Soon Zap discovered a sandalwood tree, with sandals hanging from its branches. Under those branches it was quite pleasant, as the tree maintained an environment that would not rot or warp its offerings. They found a blanket tree, harvested several large blankets, and suspended them from the branches to form a crude enclosure. It wasn’t as nice as the house cat had been, but would do.

  “We’re depending on you, Zap, to sniff out any dangers before they reach us,” Yukay said. “Because we may be distracted, communicating with Naomi.”

  “Squawk.”

  “Is that feasible?” Yukay turned to the others. “She says Sniffer could help with that.”

  Kody faced the robot. “We fear bombers. That is, folk or animals who might come to bomb or otherwise harm us. Can you be alert for them?”

  “Beep.”

  “Thank you,” Yukay said. “We do appreciate your effort.”

  Kody, bemused, did not comment. The wood-burning robot hound was becoming increasingly like a person. It was probably the ambient magic of Xanth.

  “Now, Naomi,” Yukay said. “Is there any one of us you can most readily communicate with, to make it easier?”

  Kody.

  “That makes sense. Then he can channel you.”

  Kody picked up on it. “First let me repeat: I am extremely sorry I killed you, Naomi. I didn’t mean to do it, and would have avoided it if I had been more alert.”

  The figure thickened before him. She leaned forward and kissed him on the mouth. He felt the faint touch.

  I know. I tricked you into it. The guilt is mine. I wish I could have loved you, Kody, without hurting Zosi. But that was not to be. She shrugged. Now all I can do is flash you.

  He smiled. “Not to much effect. You have no panties.”

  I have dream panties. She reached into the air and picked something out of it. It was a green panty. She put it to her middle and it formed around her, along with a matching green bra. Then she turned in place, showing her pantied bottom and bra-ed bosom.

  Fingers snapped at his ear. “Snap out of it, Kody,” Yukay said.

  “I freaked out,” he said dazedly.

  “You sure did,” Ivan said. “I saw the panties, but they sure didn’t freak me out.”

  “They would have if you’d been touching your chip,” Yukay said.

  “Bleep! I missed my chance.”

  “All right, Naomi,” Zosi said severely. “You made your point. Now are you here to help us or hinder us?”

  To help you, the ghost said. She giggled naughtily. But that certainly was fun. She no longer wore the green undies and was safely nude again.

  “How can you help us?” Yukay asked.

  I can scout for you, warning you of nearby dangers. I can tell you what NoAmi is doing so she can’t ambush you.

  Yukay nodded. “That would help.”

  But there is more.

  “More?” Yukay asked suspiciously. It was obvious that she had not been much amused by the green panties prank.

  There is a community of ghosts I have contacted. For one reason or another they can’t go to Heaven or Hell, and are stuck here in Xanth with nothing to do. They are willing to help too. You can’t see or hear them, but I could relay their news.

  “Their news?”

  They could multiply the scouting twenty-fold. I don’t think any living creature could match what they could do.

  “A community of ghosts,” Yukay repeated thoughtfully. “Helping us locate NoAmi without her knowing. That would help a lot.”

  But they have a price.

  “There’s always a price,” Yukay agreed, annoyed. “But what could ghosts want that we could provide?”

  A house of their own, so they would no longer have to wander.

  “They can’t just take over an existing house and haunt it?”

  No. They don’t want to make trouble for the living folk. They want to reside where they can be safe and useful, as accepted citizens. They can’t build their own house, of course, being immaterial; they must take over an existing one.

  “That’s a tall order,” Kody murmured. “Most living folk don’t much like haunts.”

  “Exactly,” Yukay said. “Do they have anywhere in mind?”

  No. But if we could find them a suitable house, they would be glad to trade their favors for it. Naomi smiled. That is, scouting, spying, keeping us informed. That sort of thing.

  “Some living folk might like flashing by the pretty ghosts,” Ivan said. Yukay spared him a brief glare.

  “The gourd,” Zosi said.

  “The gourd?” Kody asked.

  “That’s a daytime access to the dream realm,” Zosi explained. “The hypno-gourd. Usually the first thing a visitor sees there is the Haunted House.”

  Ideal! Naomi said. They are here with me, and they heard. But they don’t know whether the Night Stallion would let them be there.

  “The Night Stallion?” Kody asked.

  “Pause here,” Yukay said. “We have some explaining to do.”

  Of course.

  Yukay faced Kody. “Here in Xanth there are a number of connecting realms, such as the Moons of Ida that we saw with Demo Derby, and Counter Xanth where Cyrus is exiled, and islands that come and go on their own schedules. The dream realm is another major one. Night mares carry bad dreams to sleepers who deserve them, to tweak their inferior consc
iences and encourage them to be better people in the future, if only to avoid worse dreams thereafter. Those dreams are crafted carefully in the dream realm, each designed for a particular sleeper; it’s a very serious business. There are a number of crews who act in those dreams, such as the walking skeletons. Princess Dawn’s husband Picka Bone is the son of Marrow Bones, who left the dream realm and became real. There is a kind of access to the dream realm via the peepholes of the gourds; folk who gaze into those holes enter that realm mentally while their bodies lie unconscious outside. So they are dreaming, but they have control where they go, to a degree. There is the Haunted House setting that greets most newcomers. This formidable realm is governed by the Night Stallion. He alone can grant permission for the ghosts to move into the Haunted House. So to make our deal with the ghosts, we need to talk with him.”

  “I see,” Kody said. This was wild, but not significantly worse than other aspects of Xanth he had encountered.

  Kody is the dreamer, Naomi said. He might be able to do it.

  “I am the dreamer,” Kody agreed. “This provides me with a certain interest in dreams. I think I would like to meet this night scallion.”

  “Stallion,” Yukay said quickly. “Do not fool with his name.”

  “I just thought he might know his onions.”

  No one laughed. “He is Trojan, the horse of a different color,” Yukay said.

  “I think we could use the ghosts’ help,” Kody said. “So let me go meet Trojan. Maybe he will be reasonable.”

  “Reasonable by his definition may not be reasonable by ours,” Yukay said darkly. “I think we had all better come along.”

  “So I won’t screw up?”

  “Exactly.”

  Well, he had asked.

  I’ll come too, Naomi thought. I want to check out that haunted house anyway.

  “Then we’ll need to find about six gourds,” Yukay said.

  “Squawk.”

  “You can sniff them out? Go to it. We’ll bring them back here.”

  Zap moved off. Yukay and Ivan went with her.

  “I wonder,” Kody said. “From your description, a gourd is a kind of mind bomb. Sniffer?”

  The robot put out a puff of smoke and started moving. Kody followed, and Zosi went with him. Soon it came to a patch of gourds. “That’s it!” Zosi said.

  Yes, it is, Naomi agreed.

  They harvested three ripe gourds and brought them back to where they had started from. From the other direction came Zap, with Ivan carrying one and Yukay with one. They had five gourds. “We’re missing one,” Kody said.

  “We need one person to mount guard over the unconscious bodies,” Yukay said. “To prevent molestation, and to break the connection after an hour so we don’t get locked in.”

  “Once you’re in, you can’t get out on your own,” Zosi explained. “Someone has to break your eye connection.”

  Oh. “Who is staying behind?”

  “I will,” Ivan said. “The gourd realm gives me the creeps. Anyway, I can keep Sniffer stoked, too.”

  “Good enough,” Yukay agreed. “Now we will each take a gourd, lie down comfortably, and peer into the peephole. We’ll need to hold hands or whatever, to be sure we all arrive in the same place.”

  This did not make a lot of sense to Kody, but he didn’t argue. He lay down as they did, including Zap, with his gourd before him. Then he reached out to take Zosi’s hand on one side, and the ghost’s hand on the other, trusting that Naomi would maintain the contact. She in turn reached out to touch one of Zap’s paws, and Zap’s other paw was taken by Yukay, who in turn took Zosi’s other hand. Then, more or less together, they lowered their heads to gaze into their peepholes.

  Curious, Kody delayed slightly. He saw the others go seemingly unconscious as their eyes connected. Then he oriented on his own peephole.

  He stood in a gloomy fall setting, with gaunt acorn trees surrounding a rickety gate in turn surrounding a rickety old house lurking under a rickety greenish full moon. There seemed to be an ill-kept graveyard behind it. There were faint lights in the cracked windows of the house. It certainly looked forbidding.

  “All present?” Yukay asked. “We don’t have to maintain contact here; we’re in. But we don’t want to get separated from each other either. This is not a fun place to be lost in.”

  “Squawk,” Zap agreed for all of them.

  Yukay did a double-take. “I just realized: the Curse is not in force here. You look handsome, Kody.”

  “Thank you,” Kody said indifferently. “You all look the same to me.”

  “Dream on. And you, Naomi, look real.”

  “I suppose ghosts do, in the dream realm,” Naomi said, pleased. “I wonder if I feel real too?”

  “You just want a pretext to smooch Kody.”

  “Of course.” She approached Kody. “Do I feel real to you?”

  “I’m not sure.” So here in Xanth’s dream realm she could talk naturally.

  “Well, you have to touch me.” She took his hand and set it on her bare bottom. His vision blurred, but he didn’t quite freak out.

  “You feel real,” he agreed.

  “Are you sure?” She stepped into him, pressed her bare upper body close, and kissed him. It was one hot smooch.

  “Yes,” he said somewhat breathlessly.

  “I didn’t see little hearts. Maybe the contact wasn’t firm enough. Maybe I should try a gourd apology for my presumption.”

  “All right,” Zosi snapped.

  Naomi withdrew, smiling obscurely.

  Faintly nettled, Kody took hold of Zosi and kissed her. Little hearts flew out. When they separated, the obscure smile had somehow migrated to Zosi’s face.

  Then he remembered another obscurity. “What’s a gourd apology?”

  “I will be happy to demonstrate,” Naomi said.

  “You will not,” Zosi said severely.

  “I will explain,” Yukay said quickly. “A gourd apology is an expression of regret in the form of a kiss. If that isn’t effective, the apologizer tries again, with more feeling. If that still doesn’t do it, s/he makes a phenomenal effort. Normally gourd apologies are effective, especially when rendered by comely young women.”

  “Oh. Now I understand.” He also understood why Zosi did not want Naomi making one to him, whatever the pretext.

  “Now the most practical route to the interior is through the haunted house,” Yukay said. “But I’m not sure of the route to the Night Stallion.”

  “Squawk.”

  “That so?” Yukay asked, surprised. “He will come to us, once he’s sure we are serious? Then let’s get serious.” She turned, opened the rickety gate, and marched toward the house. The others followed her.

  There was a huge ornate knocker on the decrepit door. Yukay lifted it and let it fall. It punched a hole in the door, and fragments of rotten wood rained down.

  They waited, but nothing happened. Finally Yukay put her hand on the doorknob and turned it. It came out in her hand, leaving another hole. “Bleep!” she swore.

  “Just pull it open,” Zosi suggested.

  Yukay put her fingers in the doorknob hole and pulled, and the door fell off its rusted-out hinges and crashed to the ground beside them.

  “I think the maintenance has been neglected,” Kody said, keeping a straight face.

  “I think Trojan is toying with us,” Yukay muttered. “He knows we’re here.”

  A sheetlike ghost appeared in the doorway. “Booo!” it cried.

  “Oh, go stuff it up your pillowcase,” Yukay snapped, and walked in, passing through the ghost. The ghost looked annoyed as it faded out.

  They faced a gloomy hall. There was a clomping sound as a pair of body-less shoes tramped toward them.

  “Maybe I can handle this,” Kody said. He reached down, picked up the shoes, and put them on his own feet in place of his regular shoes. “Now take us to your master,” he said.

  The shoes struggled to get free of his feet, but coul
dn’t. So they walked on into the house. Kody, sensitive to their impetus, walked with them. No other spooks manifested; they had evidently gotten the word.

  They walked right on through the house and into the graveyard behind. “Where are the zombies?” Yukay asked. “There are supposed to be zombies.”

  “There’s a shortage of zombies all over,” Zosi reminded her. “That’s my mission.” Then she clouded up.

  Kody, realizing that she had been reminded of her own dilemma, put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. She leaned into him appreciatively.

  The shoes took them on through the graveyard and to a high fence that evidently marked the next setting. It seemed the shoes wanted to get this done with so they could get off his alien feet.

  There was a stile surmounting the fence. The shoes guided Kody onto the stile and over the fence. He held on carefully, distrusting this, but there were no problems. Then he held the stile firmly in place so Yukay could cross next. As she swung her leg over the top he got a glimpse up under her skirt; fortunately he was able to jam his eyes shut before her panties freaked him out.

  “I’m down,” she said, amused. “You can look now.”

  He opened his eyes. “Did you do that on purpose?”

  “Of course. How else was I to get over the fence?”

  That wasn’t exactly the answer he had sought.

  Naomi appeared, walking through the fence. She looked solid here, but evidently retained her ghostly nature. “You may have chosen Zosi, but we still have flashing rights, when we can do it by seeming accident. Isn’t it similar in Mundania?”

  “Maybe.”

  Zosi came over, managing to do it without exposing anything beyond her knees. Finally Zap flew over.

  Now they surveyed the setting ahead of them. It was a vast sea of oil, with a tiny white-sand beach and roiling storm clouds beyond. There was a small rowboat almost at their feet.

  “I don’t get it,” Yukay said. “Xanth doesn’t have seas of oil.”

  Kody remembered something. “A few years back there was a bad oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, from a blown well below. It took months to shut off the flow, and they were afraid it would wash up on the shores and ruin the tourist trade. They never did get it cleaned up completely. I don’t think the executives responsible were ever brought to justice.”