Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

  “Some bad dreams do get exported to Mundania,” Yukay said. “Though I don’t see exactly how this relates.”

  “Ho there!” someone called from the side. It was a goblin. “You must be the actor for this scene. You look Mundane.”

  “I am Mundane,” Kody said. “However—”

  “Good enough. Get in that boat.”

  “But I’m no actor!”

  “I don’t care what you are, you slacker! Get moving!” the goblin snapped. “We’re low on time. This bad dream is scheduled for delivery tonight.”

  Now Kody saw other goblins, one carrying a portable movie camera.

  “Don’t make a wave,” Yukay murmured. “We’re trying to get along here.”

  Kody found himself getting into the rowboat, mainly by the urging of his shoes. Maybe they were getting back at him for preempting them. The goblin immediately pushed it out to sea. The wind was rising, bringing the storm rapidly closer, yet the tiny craft was going away from shore.

  He grabbed the oars, trying to get the boat back to the beach. He saw the camera goblin orienting on him. He rowed, but didn’t have the hang of it, and the boat merely spun around.

  Then the storm was upon him. The waves of oil became mountainous, lifting him high, then sucking him down into a trough. It was vaguely like a roller coaster, but more scary because there was no track to hold him in place. Oil leaked into the boat, soaking his clothes.

  A fierce splash of oil smacked the boat, snapping off both oars. Then another wave picked it up, hauled it high into the sky, and hurled it and him into the awful depths.

  Kody screamed.

  “Cut!” the goblin chief yelled from somewhere.

  The oil melted away. Kody found himself standing on a level floor, not even wet. “What?” he asked, confused.

  “It’s a good take. Thanks,” the goblin said. “That guilty exec’s really going to get it tonight. Go on to your next scene.” He and the camera goblin hurried away, doubtless going to their next scene.

  “I think you just starred in a spot dream intended for a guilty Mundane,” Yukay said. “Of course when the night mare delivers it, they’ll substitute the exec for you. You just marked the place so they could film it.”

  “Glad I could be of service,” Kody said with a certain edge.

  “In fact you did well, and we appreciate it,” a new voice said.

  They turned to discover a magnificent dark stallion who scintillated luminescently. The girls, including Zap, wore expressions of awe.

  “Trojan, I presume?” Kody said, not nearly as impressed by the talking horse.

  “Well, I do know my onions.”

  Uh-oh. “You heard my humor.”

  “Indeed. I enjoy humor. Your performance here was hilarious.”

  So the horse was teasing him back. “We came here to ask a favor.”

  “Of course. The haunted house. And your nude ghost naga will surely make a fetching addition to it.”

  Naomi blushed. Kody hadn’t realized that a ghost could do that.

  “However, I am thinking of an exchange of favors.”

  Uh-oh again. “Of what nature?” Kody asked.

  “A bit of background. As you know, our night mares deliver bad dreams to deserving sleepers. But they are limited to darkness. Some evil-minded miscreants have taken to sleeping by day, so that the mares can’t reach them. In this manner they think to escape dream justice. That is annoying.”

  “I appreciate that,” Kody said.

  “We need to shield the mares from the rigors of day. So that they can reach those vexing perverts and do their duty by them.”

  “Such as making a guilty oil executive dream of drowning in an oilstorm?”

  “Actually that particular exec is reachable by night. The Demon Earth requested the dream, and we honor it as a courtesy. But there are others as guilty in their fashions, who are escaping justice. The principle is similar.”

  There was something about this nightmare justice that Kody liked. “How can I help?”

  “There is a shield in the form of a cape that will protect my mares from the rigors of daylight,” Trojan said. “It is out of my reach, but not out of yours.”

  “Where?”

  “Caprice Castle. They mistook it for a pun and stored it deep in their dungeon.”

  “You are unable to visit Caprice?”

  “Unable to transport a physical shield. It needs to be moved to my stall at Cape Can, where I will be able to make dream copies of it for my mares.”

  “And if I move that cape to Can, you will allow the ghosts to occupy the haunted house?”

  “That’s the deal,” Trojan said.

  “Then I’ll do it.” Kody looked at Naomi. “Tell your friends.”

  “As soon as I get out of here,” Naomi agreed, pleased.

  “You may depart now,” the stallion said, glancing at her. He breathed out a jet of vapor. A cloud formed around her, and she vanished.

  That impressed Kody. The Night Stallion was able to eject a dreamer from this dream realm, even when her eye was still locked on the peephole of the gourd.

  Trojan turned back to Kody. “I like you. Therefore I will proffer some lagniappe. A token gift.” A piece of paper appeared in his mouth. “Take it.”

  “Without looking in your mouth?”

  “Hilarious!” The stallion blew the paper at Kody. It struck his forehead, but when he reached to catch it, it was gone.

  “I’m not sure I understand,” Kody said cautiously. Was the creature having more fun with him?

  “It is inside your head,” Trojan explained. “A pass to dream.”

  “I’m already dreaming.”

  “Indeed. This will enable you to return here at will, from Mundania, for a few hours at a time, when you are sleeping there.”

  “Uh, thank you,” Kody said, not wishing to disparage what might be a well-meant gift. It was bad enough being in a dream here, without entering a dream within a dream.

  “Now begone,” Trojan said. He breathed out more vapor.

  And abruptly they were back in Xanth, their heads lifted from the gourds.

  The ghosts are overjoyed, Naomi reported. She was back to thought speech.

  “But I still have to do my part,” Kody said. “That means returning to Caprice Castle and talking with them there, then locating this Cape Can Trojan mentioned.”

  “There’s something you should know,” Ivan said. “Caprice Castle landed nearby while you were in the gourd.” He pointed. Kody saw the turrets of the castle beyond the trees.

  “It’s eerie the way that castle knows where to be,” Yukay said.

  “It’s magic,” Kody said shortly.

  They made their way to the castle, which had evidently found a sufficiently wide clear spot to settle onto. They approached the front gate.

  There was barking, and the two puppies charged out, tails wagging. Soon Princess Dawn and the children joined them. “There must be a reason the castle came here,” she said. “We thought it traveled mostly randomly, but this isn’t random.”

  “It’s not,” Kody agreed. Then he explained about the shield cape.

  “But we have no idea where that might be,” Dawn protested. “We have so many puns stashed away, it’s like a noodle in a haystack.”

  Noodle? Kody let it pass. “Maybe we can help.” He addressed Sniffer. “We need to find a magic cape, a shield so the night mares don’t get bombed when they try to work by day.”

  Sniffer put out a ball of smoke and moved forward into the castle. They followed. The robot went to the dungeon, sniffing avidly. It pointed at a huge box.

  “There must be three hundred puns wedged into that box,” Dawn said.

  “Let Sniffer look,” Kody said.

  Dawn lifted the lid, revealing a jammed jumble of items. Kody picked up the robot and set it on top. The sniffer sniffed again, then started digging. Soon it disappeared into the pile. Only an uneasy turbulence and puffs of smoke revealed its presence
.

  Then it came up again, material caught in its doglike jaws. “Is that the cape?” Kody asked.

  “Beep.”

  Kody took the cape. It was cellophane-light and translucent. On its hem was the word SHIELD. That was the one they wanted.

  “Thank you,” Kody said to Dawn. “Now we’ll depart and make our way to Cape Can, wherever that may be.”

  “No need,” Dawn said. “We’re there.”

  He had for the moment forgotten how readily the castle traveled. When they looked out, there was a town consisting of buildings resembling big cans. A sign said CAPE CAN AVERAL.

  Kody stifled a groan. “Now we need to find the Night Stallion’s stall.”

  “It’s here,” Dawn said. Sure enough, the closest big can was actually a deserted stall.

  Kody carried the cape out and down to the stall. He set it on the bed of hay there. Could that be all there was to it?

  There was a small gust of wind. A cloud formed over the cape. When the cloud dissipated, the cape was gone.

  Kody returned to the castle. “It seems the delivery has been completed,” he said. “But I must say, this is suspiciously easy.”

  “Caprice is sensitive to important things in Xanth,” Dawn said. “I think it quietly makes friends where it can. The Night Stallion is an excellent friend to have.”

  It certainly is, Naomi thought. The ghosts are already moving into the haunted house, where nice rooms have been reserved for them.

  “That house didn’t look big enough for another twenty ghosts,” Kody said.

  It is, Naomi reassured him. You are thinking in Mundane terms, where physical things occupy physical space.

  “I was doing that,” Kody agreed. He took a breath. “Now we need to resume our Quest for the Bomb.”

  “Caprice will leave you where it picked you up,” Dawn said.

  “Then we had better get to it.”

  “In the morning,” Dawn said. “Today and tonight you can relax here. We enjoy your company.” She glanced at Naomi. “Yours too, though to me you are just a wisp of mist.”

  You are generous.

  It was a nice afternoon and evening, and Kody did appreciate the chance to relax. He also appreciated sharing a room with Zosi, now that they had broken the ice. But still the problem of his return to Mundania loomed. When he would have to leave her.

  “Somehow maybe things will work out for the best,” Zosi murmured hopefully. But she hardly seemed confident.

  The morning came. Refreshed, they bid Dawn and the children and pups farewell and exited the castle again, and were right where they had boarded it in the panhandle. Reasonably close to the Bomb. They were on their own from this point on. That made Kody nervous.

  Zosi took his hand. That banished the nervousness.

  13

  TRAP

  Sniffer went to work with vigor, puffing out little balls of smoke as it sniffed out the Bomb. The others followed, occasionally detouring around nuisances like sting thistles and stink horns that Sniffer didn’t notice.

  Zosi passed a weedlike plant that suddenly reached out to snag her legs. Kody went to her rescue, and another plant caught hold of him.

  “Back off,” Yukay said. “That’s a catch her and a catch him. You just have to avoid them if you don’t want to get all entangled.”

  Kody had just about given up groaning at puns. He helped Zosi back off. But then another plant heaved Zosi up and threw her a short distance. When Kody went there, it threw him similarly. They landed on the ground together, unhurt but annoyed.

  “You two just don’t have enough experience in the Xanth wilderness,” Yukay said. “That’s a pitch her plant, and a pitch him plant.”

  “We are partners in ignorance,” Kody said to Zosi. “You were a zombie too long, and I was a Mundane.”

  “That’s why we need Companions,” she said.

  “I heard that especially dangerous talents are sent to Mundania, where magic is suppressed,” Ivan said. “If that got messed up, it would take more than zombies and Mundanes to fix it.”

  “It would,” Kody agreed. “Most Mundanes don’t believe in magic, so they’d have a real problem.”

  “Most Xanthians don’t believe in science,” Yukay said. “So we’d have a similar problem if dangerous science things got sent here.”

  That brought Kody up short. “The Bomb that’s Cursing Xanth—could that be from Mundania? It does seem to be using the science concept of radiation, affecting all Xanth to varying degrees.”

  “So they sent a Mundane to deal with it?” Yukay asked. “That makes uncomfortable sense.”

  “Except that I’m not a Bomb specialist. If it doesn’t have an On/Off switch, I’ll be as incompetent as any Xanthian.”

  Yukay smiled. “Let’s hope it has that switch.”

  They moved on. But then the way became so clogged with brambles that they needed to protect their legs. “We need a good heavy-trousers bush,” Yukay said.

  The ghosts know of one nearby, Naomi thought. This way.

  They backtracked and found a side path leading to a pond. A dolphinlike creature swam in it, but shied away the moment they approached.

  “That looks like a liquidator,” Yukay said. “They consort only with aquatics.”

  Liquid dater. To be sure.

  In the pool floated several pairs of jeans. This is a jean pool, Naomi thought. But there’s a problem.

  “There’s always a problem,” Yukay muttered.

  Anyone who wears these jeans has a change in their genes to make them different. At least for a while, until the jeans get broken in.

  “That’s risky,” Yukay said. “Maybe we should keep looking.”

  There is nothing else within range.

  “Bleep! Then we’ll have to risk it.”

  “I wish we could just buy what we need,” Kody grumbled. “That would be easier.”

  “Except that we don’t use money in Xanth,” Yukay said. “But if you have a reality check, that might do.”

  This time Kody did groan.

  They fished out four pairs of jeans, and Kody, Yukay, Ivan, and Zosi put them on wet. They fit each person snugly, rapidly drying into shape. Kody noticed that the girls looked remarkably fetching in theirs, with their bottoms tightly outlined, though Ivan averted his gaze in disgust.

  Then he noticed more. Yukay normally had blond hair and dark eyes; now her hair was reddish, her eyes bright. She was normally slim with a nice upper configuration; now her butt was full, her bosom less so. Zosi normally had gray hair and gray eyes; now both were brown. Ivan was lean and handsome; now he was less so on both counts. And Kody himself seemed to have lost several inches in height.

  Gene pool. Naomi had warned them.

  Their genes had changed when they donned the jeans. Not greatly, perhaps because the pool was dilute, but enough. With luck and the Curse, maybe the others would not notice.

  “My bust! My butt!” Yukay exclaimed with horror.

  She had noticed.

  “I can fix that,” Ivan said. He pointed to her bosom. It expanded about three sizes. He pointed to her bottom. It shrank similarly.

  “Thank you,” Yukay said tightly. She undid her top button to alleviate some of the tightness. The jeans still accommodated her perfectly; that seemed to be part of their magic. “I will keep your talent in mind for the future, Ivan.”

  “Hmm,” Zosi murmured. She remained slender throughout.

  Ivan pointed to her bosom. It expanded a size. Kody had liked her the way she was, but had to admit this looked good too. He now appreciated more personally why Ivan’s thickening/thinning talent was appealing to the ladies.

  “Look at those,” Yukay said. There was a boot tree with pairs of steel-toed boots. “Those would really enable us to forge ahead.” She harvested a pair and put them on. Then she made a face. “Uh-oh.”

  “What?” Ivan asked.

  “I felt them tugging at my toes. I believe these are not steel-toed, but steal-toed
. They will steal my toes if I wear them too long.” She hauled them off.

  They returned to the bramble patch. It was thicker than ever, having had extra time to marshal its forces. But their new jeans were up to the challenge. They forged through without getting scratched.

  Soon the brambles gave it up as a bad job and faded back. The way opened into what appeared to be a small golf course, with several tees for the balls. But a group of people were using them instead for small cups of tea. They seemed to be having a little tee-tea party.

  “Conservative golfers,” Yukay murmured. “We don’t want to mess with them. They don’t like outside interference in their business.”

  They moved on past, and the tee partiers ignored them.

  Just beyond the golf course was a small pavilion. A sign said IS YOUR LIFE DULL? ENTER FOR THE CURE.

  Kody smiled. “I’m curious what they think the cure is. A funny picture?” He stepped up to it.

  “Squawk!” Zap cried warningly.

  “No!” Zosi cried. “It’s a trap!” She flung herself into it ahead of him.

  There was a flash and a whiff of brimstone as she disappeared.

  Kody stood stunned. “It destroyed her!” he said.

  “Maybe not,” Yukay said. “Naomi, can you find out?”

  The ghost vanished.

  Kody leaned against a post, reeling. “She sacrificed herself for me. Just as Naomi did.”

  “She loved you,” Yukay said. “As Naomi did. But there’s hope.”

  Naomi returned. We canvassed the area and found it. It was a trap meant for Kody. NoAmi is now aware of our approach, after losing track of us when I died. She seduced a man who had a special spell, and got him to plant it along our route. It transported Zosi to an ancient sacrificial dragon-feeding station. It’s not normally used for that anymore, but dragons do check it out every so often, just in case. A big fire breather is heading there now. She’s doomed.

  “The hell!” Kody swore, and the posts of the pavilion turned black with scorch. Somehow his irate expression had gotten past the bleep censorship. “I’ll take out that dragon, and cut it to little pieces if it touches her.”

  No, Naomi thought. The dragon is on the path between us and the station. If it spies us going there, it will rush to toast her first.