Knockout Girl

by Natasja Eby

  “What about your mom?” he asks softly.

  “We’ve talked,” I told him, trying to sound strong and failing miserably. “Not about… We’re going dress shopping tomorrow. For the dance.”

  Julian nods. “I hope it’ll be okay. Do you need, like, a buffer?”

  I laugh. “You, buffering between me and my mom while clothes shopping? No offense, but that would be a little weird. Maybe if you were a girl…”

  Julian smiles but doesn’t say any more. He stops stretching, frowns in thought and then suggests, “We should just watch a movie. What’s that one with the boxer?”

  “We can’t,” I say in a scolding voice. “We have too much to do.”

  Jules just smirks and says, “Consider it research.”

  Realizing that we’re not going to get much done anyway, I cave and find my laptop upstairs. My dad’s still in enough of a funk that he doesn’t seem to care that I’m down in the basement with a boy, of all things.

  While we’re searching for the movie, I say to Julian, “You know, you’re a really good friend.” Julian kind of gives me this weird look, so I add quickly, “I didn’t mean for that to sound like I was friendzoning you or something. I really do mean it.”

  Julian surprises me by laughing. “Thanks. I’m not offended. I have a feeling there are many, many guys in your friendzone anyway.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Well, you’re kind of the play-hard-to-get type, you know?” he says, with an apologetic smile.

  I want to refute him, but then I remember how I wouldn’t let Adrian kiss me without a literal chase, and how I made Kai follow me around for months before he got up the nerve to almost ask me out. I guess he’s right, and I don’t know why that bothers me.

  “I didn’t know…” I mumble without meaning to say it out loud. “Sorry,” I say without quite knowing why I’m saying it.

  “Oh, don’t worry about me, Ella,” he says, as he watches the loading screen fill up slowly to 100%. “I mean, yeah, I find you attractive—”

  My eyes grow huge and I’m glad it’s mostly dark in the basement, but then I start to wonder if he’s trying to make a move on me and I think maybe I should turn the lights on.

  Then he follows up with, “But you’re not…you know…the one.”

  I stare at him for a second and then burst out laughing. He ducks his head and I can’t help but laugh harder, because he’s just being so cheesy. But also, it’s kind of sweet and I wish briefly for someone who considers me “the one.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he says. “Now, shush. I love the opening fanfare.”

  I clamp my mouth shut and tamp down the urge to laugh more as the movie starts up. It’s one of those typical guy movies with a lot of sweat, grunting, and bungled up lines by a guy with a serious slur to his voice. But it’s also kind of fun to watch and I recognize pretty much all of the moves they do. I even learn a few things, although I know some of the stuff they do is totally illegal in real tourneys.

  Julian leaves shortly after the movie’s over and we say goodnight with absolutely no weirdness between us. Honestly, I’ve never had a guy friend who I didn’t feel weird around and it’s kind of nice. I hope things never change between us.

  ***

  Mom and I have been to five stores already and we still can’t find the “perfect” dress for the dance. Personally, I’m just too distracted by everything else to think about dresses and dances. Mom’s been trying to keep up a conversation with me, but it’s all very superficial and I don’t trust myself not to yell at her for leaving Dad in the funk that he’s in.

  Mom finally does notice how very little I’ve said, and says, “Elli, I know you’re probably upset that I left the way I did.”

  I shrug because public scenes aren’t my thing.

  She sighs. “Really, it’s only meant to be temporary.”

  “You’re coming back?” I say with hope in my voice. Even to my own ears I sound like a little kid, but I don’t care. “When?”

  “When your uncle leaves,” Mom mutters.

  “Mom.” I touch Mom’s arm and make her stop walking right there in the middle of the hallway. It’s Saturday and the weather it getting really nice, so it’s busy in the mall, but whatever. “Is that why you left?”

  “Among other things,” she answers.

  I don’t even bother with the other things. “Mom, Uncle Dan hasn’t been seen since you left. You can come back. Please?”

  “Really?” Mom asks in a strange voice. I nod vigorously. “Your father never told me.”

  “Probably because you made him choose between his wife and his brother,” I blurt out. I regret the comment immediately and slap a hand over my mouth. Even if it were true—which I don’t know if it is—I should never have said something like that. Ugh, that’s why I didn’t want to bring it up while shopping, of all things.

  Mom gives me a hurt look and then starts walking away. I don’t know where she’s going or if she intends to just leave me at the mall, but I race after her.

  “Mom, I’m sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have—”

  “No, you shouldn’t have,” she says tightly without looking at me.

  “Look, Mom, Dan is gone,” I tell her. “He hasn’t even shown up to train me and Julian. Just come home and talk to Dad. Please? He’s seriously depressed.”

  “And what about my feelings, Elli?” she asks, he anger fading to sadness. “Why should I consider his if he never considers mine?”

  I don’t know what to say. I stopped paying attention to my parents’ arguments years ago because I figured they had nothing to do with me. It was just kind of this normal thing where they’d fight and then pretend it never happened in front of me. But now it’s real, and it matters to me; it always mattered to them and I feel selfish for never bothering to care about it before now.

  But that was the old Elli. The new Elli is a fighter. And if my parents won’t fight for each other, for their marriage, then I guess I’ll have to do it for them.

  “Please, Mom,” I say once more. “There must be something…”

  Mom just shakes her head.

  “Look, just come over for lunch or something tomorrow. I’ll make you lunch. Or dinner. Or even dessert if you just want dessert and we can all sit down together.”

  I’m trying too hard. She totally knows it, too. Which is probably why she agrees. Now all I have to do is find a recipe for tiramisu and a reason to ditch them tomorrow night.

  Mom shuts down that conversation pretty quickly and we get back into an almost-comfortable rhythm of shopping. I try on, like, a hundred dresses or something like that until Mom throws a seemingly ordinary one over the dressing room door.

  “Coral blue?” I say with disappointment rising up in my throat. I used to love wearing coral blue until I was about thirteen and this girl in my class told me that it washed out my face. I know it sounds stupid, but that was a pretty traumatic experience for me. I mean, I threw out everything I owned that was that colour and I never looked back.

  “Come on, Elli, you love that colour,” Mom reminds me. It’s true, I still do love it. “Just try it.”

  “Okay…” I say hesitantly. I close my eyes, slip the dress on, and then leave the dressing room without even peeking. “How bad is it?”

  “Oh, sweetie,” Mom says in a gooey voice that she rarely ever uses. “You’re beautiful. Would you open your eyes and look in the mirror? That Julian doesn’t stand a chance.”

  “Mom, you remembered his name,” I say, opening my eyes to look at her. “Also, there’s nothing going on—”

  Suddenly, I can’t speak because I look at the mirror and I have to admit that she’s right. I do look kind of beautiful in the dress that totally does not wash out my colouring at all. Maybe there’s something in the air in Canada, or maybe Canadian coral blue is different or something, but the dress is amazing. This changes everything.

  I check out the price tag. The dress is on sale.
Obviously, this was meant to be.

  Mom buys me the dress even though I insisted that it was within my budget. I keep trying to get her to not pay for it, but she tells me that she’s proud of me and wants to do this. And maybe she’s trying to buy my love or something, but those words mean so much more to me than money or some dress.

  When Mom drops me off at home, I make her promise that she really is coming for dessert tomorrow. She does—no less than five times—and finally kicks me out of her car with a teasing smile and a pat on my cheek. I give her a kiss and skip inside.

  CHAPTER nineteen

  I made the tiramisu but didn’t stick around to find out whether it was even good or not. I opted instead to go running before my mom showed up. I mean, I should be running a lot more than I do anyway, so I figured it was a good excuse. Of course, I probably should have warned Dad that Mom was coming over but it umm…slipped my mind?

  Judging by the amount of missing tiramisu and the two dirty dishes I find in the sink later, neither of them minded too much.

  I want to be happy about that, but I literally haven’t seen my uncle in two weeks. We’re two weeks away from competition. I have my girls to back me up, but Julian is starting to freak out and I don’t know how to help him. Not to mention the girls are starting to get into competitive mode, so they aren’t too willing to give all their secrets away.

  I’ve tried asking my dad where Dan might be, but he just says that Dan’s working and that he’s found his own place which is why he hasn’t been around. I’ve tried patiently explaining that that’s not a very good excuse for ditching his trainees, but Dad doesn’t have much of an answer for that.

  I wish I could complain to Mom about it, but I don’t want to stoke the flames. Plus she hasn’t really been around a lot either. I mean, I talk to her on the phone, and I’ve visited with her and Grandma (who gave me another knitted hat even though it’s May), and she’s even come home a few times. But it’s still kind of tense around here.

  I can’t complain to Julian about it because I’m too busy listening to him complaining and freaking out, and Cherry’s still not really happy with me. Which leaves…

  Adrian. I stare at his number in my phone for a million years before I finally press the call button. It rings twice before he answers.

  “Hi!” he sounds surprised, happy, and a little uncertain.

  I feel kind of bad for bothering him, especially after the way I’ve treated him. And I’m not sure how to say it or anything I’m feeling so I say instead, “Want to go for a run with me?”

  There’s a pause on his end. Did he hear me? “Right now?” Oh—he did.

  “Never mind,” I say, feeling stupid. “I shouldn’t have bothered you. I’m sorry.”

  “Elli, wait,” he says quickly. “There’s a park down the street from school. Do you know how to get there?”

  “Yes,” I say eagerly.

  “Meet me there,” he says.

  I agree and then we hang up without belabouring the point. You know those couples who are always like “You hang up first,” “No, you,” even though it’s super annoying to everyone else around them? Yeah, that’s definitely not us.

  Mostly because we’re not a couple.

  But if we were, that wouldn’t be us.

  I put my running clothes on and tell Dad I’m going out. He replies by sarcastically asking if he should be expecting a visit from my mom. I say, “You never know,” and leave before he can ask more questions.

  I have to admit that it’s gotten really nice outside. The air is warm and holds fragrant scents from the early-spring flowers blooming in people’s gardens. If I don’t think too much, if I don’t focus too hard on the minute details, I almost feel like I’m back in Hawaii. If I turn left twice, run about a mile, take a right, and then run to the end of the road, I’ll end up at the beach where my friends are waiting in beachwear. Kai will be there, all happy and smiling, with a surfboard in his hands, waiting to impress me with his moves.

  Reality takes me back to where I am, the park by the high school in Canada, where just weeks before, children were still making snow angels. Now, they’re dousing themselves on a splash pad (even though it’s not that nice out), the grass has grown green again, and a dark-haired boy with chocolate eyes is chilling on a bench acting like he totally doesn’t see me jogging up to him.

  “Try keeping up, Ontario,” I call to him as I rush past his bench. I watch Adrian bolt off of the bench, wondering if the nickname I just gave him sounds as cute as “Hawaii,” or if it sounds as stupid as I think it does.

  “You run like a girl, Hawaii,” he says as he catches up to me.

  “I am a girl,” I inform him. “In case you haven’t noticed.”

  “Oh, I noticed,” he says, giving my entire body a brief once-over.

  Heat floods my cheeks and I’m hoping he either won’t notice or will think it’s just from the exertion of running. We both decide to shut up and our steps fall in sync as our shoes slap the pavement. I sneak glances at Adrian and all thoughts of Hawaii leave my mind. He seems so at ease, like running is just a thing he does, the same as breathing or blinking. I wonder if it could be like that for me if I kept up with it. Maybe I will keep running. Maybe I’ll even keep boxing.

  We run for what feels like a really long time and even though I’m tired and my body hurts, I don’t want to stop. I know when I stop, I’ll have to say things—explain—things, and I’m not quite ready.

  Adrian is actually the one that stops us. He barely looks winded, but he leads me to a bench, saying how I’ve pushed myself hard enough for today. I don’t know how he can tell that I was just at my breaking point, but I’m kind of glad he called it.

  We sit and after a moment, Adrian asks, “Still missing Hawaii?”

  I nod and he looks a little disappointed. “I grew up there,” I tell him so he won’t take it so personally. “It’s still…home to me.”

  Okay, so judging by the look on his face, that just made it worse.

  “It’s not so bad here, though,” I add. I look at the quaint little neighbourhood where we’ve stopped. It’s all century homes with wrought iron fences and elaborate front gardens. I kind of like how old it feels. There aren’t many places like this in Hawaii. “I mean, once you get past winter, that is.”

  Adrian laughs and oh, gosh, his dimples. “I guess you miss your friends and…stuff.”

  “Stuff?” I laugh. “Friends and stuff?”

  “Yeah. I thought maybe you had, like, a boyfriend that you’re keeping up with long distance,” he says, acting all shy suddenly. “I mean, I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I never really asked. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

  I smile at him, because I can’t help myself. I almost mention Kai, but instead I say, “I don’t have a boyfriend in Hawaii. Or…anywhere, actually.”

  He nods, a perplexed little frown wrinkling his forehead. Then he gives me this look that melts my insides right before he leans in and kisses me. I can’t tell whether the kiss lasts forever or for only a split second, because it feels like both, but when it ends I smile really big at Adrian. Which makes him smile, which melts me inside out all over again.

  “That was nice,” I say, which is quite possibly the lamest thing anyone could say after a kiss like that.

  Adrian’s eyes crinkle in a smile, and he asks, “Is that why you called me today?”

  My eyes grow wide. Why did I call him? Oh yeah… “Oh, no. I’m just…really on edge. I didn’t know who to talk to.”

  He turns on the bench so that he’s fully facing me and says, “Okay, so talk to me.”

  And then it all comes spilling out. How my mom left the day my uncle ditched us, and I don’t know if either I or Julian will be able to compete properly. How things are so much worse between my parents than I originally thought. How Cherry is mad at me, even though she has no real reason to be. That I think she just needs to work things out with Julian, and my plan to get them back together
.

  I even tell him about my uncle’s alcoholism, because I’m worried that something went wrong and that he might have gone back to it and I have no idea how to find out. I finish by saying that I wish I’d never dragged Julian into a fight he doesn’t need or deserve and how it was a poor decision to involve my unreliable uncle.

  He listens to all of it intently, giving little sounds of encouragement. At times I wonder if I’m speaking too fast, but he never looks away and his eyes don’t even glaze over. As I get to the part about my parents, he even takes my hands and squeezes them. When I’m finished, I sit back to let it sink in.

  Finally, he says, “I can see now why you miss Hawaii. Seems much less complicated there.”

  I laugh a little. I like that he’s trying to make me feel better. “Less complicated, but also less…”

  “Less what?” he asks patiently.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I feel like a completely different person than the sulky girl I was when we left Hawaii. I left a life of blissful ignorance behind, but I feel…stronger here. More like the real me.”

  He gives me a half smile. “Aw, so it’s not all that bad then?”

  I shake my head. “But now things are kind of messed up.”

  Adrian’s still holding my hands and he squeezes them again. “Well, I don’t know what to tell you about all that. But maybe I can help a little?”

  “Really?” I ask hopefully. I want to suggest that maybe he should just kiss me again until the tournament is over, but I don’t think that’s physically possible.

  “Well, for starters, Julian needs some serious help still, it seems,” he says, completely ignorant of my internal ramblings. “Some of my friends have been on the boxing team before, so I’ll talk to them. See if they can practice with Julian as much as possible before the tourney.”

  “You’d really do that? Oh, Adrian, that would be great!” I reach forward and hug him, which earns me yet another beautiful smile. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of his smiles.