Understand Rap

by William Buckholz

  COME TO VIP AND GET A CHAMPAGNE SHOWER

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “MONEY TO BLOW” ON ALBUM: PRICELE$$ BY ARTIST: BIRDMAN

  Making your way to the part of the club or bar reserved for very important persons will not be in vain, because upon arrival you will be sprayed with carbonated wine, following which you might be permitted to dance with and talk to people you admire, or consume alcohol rather than having it poured on you.

  I’M JUST HUSTLING IN THE STREETS TRYIN’ TO FLIP A COUPLE KEES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “SLOW DOWN” ON ALBUM: CARNIVAL VOL. II: MEMOIRS OF AN IMMIGRANT BY ARTIST: WYCLEF JEAN

  One school of thought concerning the concept of working energetically and quickly to take two kilograms or so of cocaine that has been purchased, possibly cooking it to make it into crack cocaine, and pricing the representative salable-sized chunks of this supply into cash, thereby making a profit in the process, is that such behavior should not be looked down upon.

  I WANT Y’ALL BUCK NAKED WHILE Y’ALL COOKIN’ UP MY DOPE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “GHETTO D” ON ALBUM: GHETTO D BY ARTIST: MASTER P

  It is best that you remove all your clothing while in the kitchen, so you aren’t tempted to take the crack cocaine you are making for yourself, and so that no one will wrongfully accuse you of doing so, since you will have no pockets. Also, if you are a female with an attractive body, you will be nice to look at.

  RUBIK’S CUBE, YOU KNOW WE KEEP THEM WHITE SQUARES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STILL ON IT” ON ALBUM: THE INSPIRATION BY ARTIST: YOUNG JEEZY

  A six-sided puzzle toy invented in the 1970s is solved when each side shows nine of the same color of square-shaped stickers: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and also white, which happens to be the color of a type of drug that is often distributed in packages with six sides.

  151 AND COKE IS VIAGRA

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “IMMA TELL” ON ALBUM: ABSOLUTE POWER BY ARTIST: TECH N9NE

  Because its consumption in the vicinity of females often results in my arousal, a high-proof rum containing approximately 75 percent alcohol by volume combined with a certain type of cola-flavored soda pop seems to have the same effect on my anatomy as a drug used to combat erectile dysfunction.

  WHAT YOU KNOW ‘BOUT PUTTIN’ BRICKS IN THE SPARE, MAN?

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STUNTIN’ LIKE MY DADDY” ON ALBUM: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON BY ARTIST: BIRDMAN AND LIL WAYNE

  I ask you a rhetorical question about the idea of opening the trunk of your car and placing large amounts of cocaine in packages inside, under, and around the extra tire stored there and in other inconspicuous places for transportation, because I know you most likely don’t have any knowledge about such a thing—although if you do, maybe we could discuss it.

  IN THE KITCHEN COOKIN’ CHICKEN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “I MOVE CHICKENS” ON ALBUM: BACK TO THE TRAPHOUSE BY ARTIST: GUCCI MANE

  One could be in a particular room of the house to prepare omnivorous fowl for a meal, or one could be processing cocaine by following a recipe that turns it from powdered form into crack rocks.

  THE RE-UPS BE LIKE BIRTHDAY PARTIES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “FEEL ME” ON ALBUM: THA CARTER II BY ARTIST: LIL WAYNE

  When new shipments of drugs arrive in the neighborhood to be distributed to sales associates and subsequently sold to residents and visitors to the area, the reception among members of the community is one of great joy and celebration reminiscent of the celebration friends and families hold for a person who lives for another year.

  DRINK KOOL-AID WITH THE ICE ON YOUR ARM

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “CALI SUNSHINE” ON ALBUM: LAX BY ARTIST: THE GAME

  The diamonds from the bracelet you have on your wrist might be something you feel proud to show off, but if they had the same liquid-cooling abilities of the ice cubes they resemble, my friends and I would drop them in a beverage marketed primarily to children.

  CALL ME PAC-MAN, YOUR GHOSTS IS BLUE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “FLY IN” ON ALBUM: THA CARTER II BY ARTIST: LIL WAYNE

  If we compared our situation to a video game, I would be a yellow pie-shaped character who glides around a maze eating dots, and you would be a red or pastel-colored ghost named Inky, Pinky, Blinky, or Clyde, who, because I have recently eaten a large power pellet, is now the same color as the clothing worn by a gang I am not affiliated with and running away from me because you are scared.

  I WAS STRAPPED WIT’ GATS WHEN YOU WERE CUDDLIN’ A CABBAGE PATCH

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “FORGOT ABOUT DRE” ON ALBUM: 2001 BY ARTIST: DR. DRE

  When you were still a child and had no concerns other than playing with dolls in the comfort and safety of your home, I was carrying guns around to defend myself in my dangerous urban neighborhood.

  GOT THE DOUGH YOU GET A YEAR STASHED IN MY SOCK DRAWER

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “MY LIFE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT” ON ALBUM: PAPER TRAIL BY ARTIST: T.I.

  The amount of money you earn after working for fifty-two weeks is equal to the small amount I have set aside for an emergency situation in one of the compartments in a piece of furniture where I store my underclothes.

  THINKIN’ SHE NUMBER ONE, WHEN SHE WAS JUST A JUMP-OFF

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DRIVIN’ ME WILD” ON ALBUM: FINDING FOREVER BY ARTIST: COMMON

  A woman thought she was the most important individual in a man’s life because of his words, his actions, or a romantic encounter, but in fact she was only a temporary infatuation of his and, after engaging in sexual relations with her, he leaped out of bed with no intention of contacting her again.

  YOU GON’ BE THAT NEXT CHUMP TO END UP IN THE TRUNK

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “IF I CAN’T” ON ALBUM: GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’ BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  If you don’t put a stop to actions or statements that are seen as aggressive or foolish, someone could decide to place you in the rearmost compartment of a car and transport you to a remote destination unbeknownst to you to be let out in whatever condition, should that be living or dead.

  ELEVATOR TO THE TOP—SEE YA LATER

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STILL NOT A PLAYER” ON ALBUM: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT BY ARTIST: BIG PUN

  I bid farewell to you for now from the lobby of a hotel, because it is getting late and I may have a woman to entertain or other activities to take care of before I retire for the night. I will be traveling all the way to the top floor of this building and arrive at my luxurious penthouse suite, while you either go home or to a standard hotel room on a lower floor. I leave with a courteous salutation that may or may not be genuine or come true should I pass within proximity of you in the future.

  YOUR HOMIES WILL HAFTA POUR OUT A LITTLE LIQUOR

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “CAN’T DENY IT” ON ALBUM: GHETTO FABOLOUS BY ARTIST: FABOLOUS

  Because you are unable to defend yourself, friends of yours will be engaging in a ritualistic urban practice in which an amount of alcohol, usually malt liquor, is poured from its bottle onto the ground in your remembrance—a tribute to your life, which is now over.

  CAB FARE? NO, HOPE YOUR TRAIN PASS WORKIN’

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “ALL THE CHICKENS” ON ALBUM: S.D.E. BY ARTIST: CAM’RON

  Female, I will not be driving you to your destination, nor will I be providing you with money to take a taxi, so for your sake it would be nice if you had a valid form of admittance for the subway or some other means of public transportation to get home.

  YOU LIVE IN A DOLLHOUSE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “I’M SO PAID” ON ALBUM: FREEDOM BY ARTIST: AKON

  Your home is miniature by comparison to mine and by my standards is not even suitable to be inhabited by human beings. Because your house also contains furniture and other items that I see as mere toys, I say this to emphasize that I am wealthier than you.

  SHE GOT ONE OF YOUR KIDS, GOT YOU FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “GOLD DIGGER” ON ALBUM: LATE REGISTRATION BY ARTIST: KANYE WEST

  Since you have gone against my advice a
nd impregnated a woman, you will be receiving a constant reminder of your bad decision by having to pay child support to the mother of your child, whom you probably do not love, until the child is legally an adult.

  WOULDN’T BUST A GRAPE IN A FRUIT FIGHT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “99 PROBLEMS” ON ALBUM: THE BLACK ALBUM BY ARTIST: JAY-Z

  When I get into fights, things like guns and fists are involved. So I’m not afraid of you, because even if a fight ensued in which people were using food as weapons, you would be too scared to break a small piece of fruit or pull it out of your pocket unexpectedly, and possibly both.

  YOUR RHYMES ARE FAKE LIKE A CANAL STREET WATCH

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “HEY FUCK YOU” ON ALBUM: TO THE 5 BOROUGHS BY ARTIST: BEASTIE BOYS

  The lyrics you vocalize in your songs are not truly representative of your behavior and therefore remind me of the imposter timepieces sold on a certain thoroughfare in the Manhattan borough of New York City.

  GETTIN’ WHAT YOU GET FOR A BRICK TO TALK GREASY

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “WANKSTA” ON ALBUM: GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’ BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  I easily make a lot of money rapping, as lyrics quickly come to mind and flow out of my mouth smoothly, and the amount of time it has taken me to earn this quantity is much shorter than the long hours you work selling the constituent parts of a large package of cocaine in many small transactions, which is difficult work for you.

  RECORD LABELS SLANG OUR TAPES LIKE DOPE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “IT’S BIGGER THAN HIP-HOP (REMIX)” ON ALBUM: LET’S GET FREE BY ARTIST: DEAD PREZ

  The companies that market our albums to consumers treat our artistic endeavors as if they were highly addictive drugs, not caring about the quality of the product but only focused on profits and convincing the masses to accept (and rappers to conform to) a certain style of music and lyrics that avoid discussing certain important topics.

  THEY DON’T NEVER REALLY WANNA POP THEM THANGS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “SATURDAY (OOOH OOOOH!)” ON ALBUM: WORD OF MOUF BY ARTIST: LUDACRIS

  Certain persons possess or wield guns in an attempt to intimidate others or to appear brave, while in fact they never intend on using their weapons, which, if discharged, would create a sudden loud noise that could cause them to regret what they’ve done and possibly soil their underpants.

  G’S UP HOES DOWN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “GIN AND JUICE” ON ALBUM: DOGGYSTYLE BY ARTIST: SNOOP DOGGY DOGG

  It is good practice to elevate fellow gangsters who are few in number to a position of equality and respect and to place no value on women of questionable reputation who are many in number. Regarding males and females who don’t fall into either of these categories, I don’t have any recommendations.

  BEEN SERVIN’ SINCE YOU WAS DOIN’ THE RUNNIN’ MAN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RUBBER BAND MAN” ON ALBUM: TRAP MUZIK BY ARTIST: T.I.

  My experience selling drugs began long ago, at which point I quickly grew mature well beyond my years, while you were still concerning yourself with immature behavior like performing silly dances during which you looked like you were running in place.

  YOUR BABY MAMA STILL GIVIN’ ME BRAIN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “THE WAY WE BALL” ON ALBUM: UNDAGROUND LEGEND BY ARTIST: LIL’ FLIP

  The woman who is your child’s mother continues to perform sexual favors for me on a somewhat regular basis, even though I am aware that you may be in a relationship with her. Even if you aren’t still seeing her, you most likely have a lifelong emotional connection, and for me to tell you about our sexual indiscretions is very disrespectful.

  LEAVE YOU KINDA STARTLED LIKE THE FUNK OFF OF FRITOS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DITTY” ON ALBUM: THE NINE YARDS BY ARTIST: PAPERBOY

  Because you are relatively inexperienced, my actions will surprise you as if you had inhaled the pungent aroma from a just-opened bag of a particular brand of strong-smelling corn chips.

  INSIDE FISH STICKS, OUTSIDE TARTAR SAUCE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “PUT ON” ON ALBUM: THE RECESSION BY ARTIST: YOUNG JEEZY

  My car’s interior upholstery is a very unique tan or beige color that I can help you visualize by comparing it to the color of a piece of breaded and deep-fried seafood. The complementary paint on the exterior is a shade of white that is very glossy and can be best described as the color of a condiment you most likely dip the aforementioned food in.

  LEATHER GUTS AND THE FISHBOWL

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “WHAT YOU KNOW” ON ALBUM: KING BY ARTIST: T.I.

  While some people like to have their vehicle’s windows tinted for the purpose of heat reduction, reduced outside-in visibility, or other considerations, I like the windows of my car to remain transparent so that people can observe and admire me and the upholstery lining much of the interior of my car, which is made from animal skin because I consider cloth and vinyl to be inferior fabrics.

  RIMS KEEP SPINNIN’ EVERY TIME I STOP

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STILL FLY” ON ALBUM: HOOD RICH BY ARTIST: BIG TYMERS

  I have installed special aftermarket wheels on my car, parts of which continue to rotate even after the car comes to a complete stop—a result of forward momentum that has built up while driving coupled with the reduced friction of the ball-bearing system they use. This is intriguing to people and draws attention to me and my vehicle because it is not commonly seen and creates an illusion of forward travel while the car is stationary.

  TRYIN’ TO CATCH ME RIDIN’ DIRTY

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RIDIN’” ON ALBUM: THE SOUND OF REVENGE BY ARTIST: CHAMILLIONAIRE

  Law enforcement officers are unfairly targeting me because of jealousy or racial profiling, watching for a relatively unimportant traffic violation or vehicular infraction in order to have a legally justifiable reason to pull me over and attempt to search my person or car, which may or may not contain controlled substances, unregistered firearms, or other illegal items.

  HAVE THE PARKIN’ LOT ON SMASH

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “THE BOSS” ON ALBUM: TRILLA BY ARTIST: RICK ROSS

  The surface of the parking lot could be said to be under great pressure from the amount of people congregating there, and the noise level has increased as people have started to gather. There is plenty of space for many automobiles and for people to mingle to talk about current events, socialize, and show off. Because this place is not associated with any particular person’s residence, it is free of the liability associated with hosting a party or gathering at one’s home, and because it may be somewhat centrally located, it can be a convenient place to rendezvous.

  I USED TO HAVE TO GET MY STROLL ON

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LET ME RIDE” ON ALBUM: THE CHRONIC BY ARTIST: DR. DRE

  Some time ago, before I was able to afford a nice vehicle to drive around in (and short of asking for rides from friends, taking the bus, or traveling in a taxicab to various places), I had to resort to the only viable form of transportation available: using my own two feet to casually walk from place to place.

  FORD TAURUS PULL UP, EVERYBODY RUN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “MY HOOD” ON ALBUM: LET’S GET IT: THUG MOTIVATION 101 BY ARTIST: YOUNG JEEZY

  When a certain model of domestic sedan not known to be owned by someone in the neighborhood comes to a sudden halt near us, I suggest you flee, because it is a vehicle commonly driven by plain-clothes police officers, who are people we want to avoid.

  IF I HIT THE SWITCH, I CAN MAKE THE ASS DROP

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “IT WAS A GOOD DAY” ON ALBUM: THE PREDATOR BY ARTIST: ICE CUBE

  If, from the driver’s seat of my car or from outside the vehicle using a remote button, I trigger a certain combination of hydraulic pumps connected to my car’s suspension, the result is that the rear end of the car will lower near to or even all the way to the ground, which is an amusing effect that almost certainly draws attention to me as I drive, sit in, or stand next to my car and may cause an interesting display of sparks as the metallic vehicle components
contact the hard surface of the roadway or parking lot.

  IF YOU IN THE WHIP, GHOST RIDE THE BITCH

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “KEEP BOUNCIN’ (STREET)” ON ALBUM: BLOW THE WHISTLE BY ARTIST: TOO $HORT

  If you happen to be driving in your vehicle, it would be possible, while it continues to coast forward, to open the door, get out, and dance alongside the car or on top of the hood to show off to onlookers and effectively make it appear that the still-living soul of a deceased human being is controlling the car.

  WHAT YOU THINK I RAP FOR, TO PUSH A FUCKIN’ RAV4?

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RUN THIS TOWN” ON ALBUM: THE BLUEPRINT 3 BY ARTIST: JAY-Z