Understand Rap

by William Buckholz

Do you honestly think the motivation behind my music career is to be able to ultimately live a lifestyle in which my primary automobile is the Toyota RAV4 sport-utility vehicle? Toyotas may be dependable and stylish cars, but I think I deserve to reward myself with a different class of vehicle and have therefore set my sights on something more luxurious, such as Toyota’s high-end Lexus line.

  IN MY SLAB PUFFIN’ POUNDS, TRYIN’ TA TAKE AWAY MY FROWN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “TOP DROP” ON ALBUM: BOSS OF ALL BOSSES BY ARTIST: SLIM THUG

  I am in my car, a place in which I frequently seek refuge when life has me feeling down, smoking very large amounts of marijuana, reflecting upon recent events, and trying to forget about my troubles in order to see things in a more positive light.

  TRUNK BUMP LIKE CHICKEN POX

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “SITTIN’ SIDEWAYZ” ON ALBUM: THE PEOPLES CHAMP BY ARTIST: PAUL WALL

  I use onomatopoeia to liken the repetitive, thumping, low-frequency tones the speakers in the rear compartment of my vehicle are making as they reproduce a musical recording to the raised sores resulting from a contagious infection of varicella zoster virus that is common during childhood.

  WINDOWS SO DARK, YOU NEED A FLASHLIGHT TO SEE ME

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “BOURBONS AND LACS” ON ALBUM: GHETTO D BY ARTIST: MASTER P

  The thin, semitransparent film I have applied to my car’s windows is not necessarily to prevent the car from getting hot during the summer, to prevent harmful ultraviolet rays from reaching the interior, or just to be stylish, but primarily so that no one can identify me when I am inside without the aid of a cylindrical, battery-powered illumination device.

  SUMITOMO TIRES AND THEY GOTTA BE RUN FLAT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STILL FLY” ON ALBUM: HOOD RICH BY ARTIST: BIG TYMERS

  I require a specific brand of high-quality tires to be fitted on the aftermarket wheels I have installed on my vehicle, which are of a special type that even if punctured can still be driven on for a period of time, allowing me to maneuver my car out of harm’s way or to a place that is safer than my current location.

  WATCH THE CANDY PAINT CHANGE EVERY TIME I SWITCH LANES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RIDE WIT ME” ON ALBUM: COUNTRY GRAMMAR BY ARTIST: NELLY

  Keep your attention fixed on the exterior of my car from a relatively stationary position, such as the sidewalk or a more slowly moving vehicle, and you may notice that as I change the position of my car relative to you and the sun or another constant light source, the polychromatic, pearlescent paint that has been applied will change color before your eyes.

  MY WEST COAST SHORTY PUSH THE CHROME 740

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS (REMIX)” ON ALBUM: NO WAY OUT BY ARTIST: PUFF DADDY & THE FAMILY

  The female I associate with while I am spending time in California is driving a high-end BMW brand automobile, which I may have purchased for or loaned to her, and that has had a special coating applied to give it an extremely bright, silver, mirrorlike finish.

  MORE TVS IN HERE THAN WHERE I LIVE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DRIVE SLOW” ON ALBUM: LATE REGISTRATION BY ARTIST: KANYE WEST

  Because of my active social life and the possibility that I spend a limited amount of time sitting around at home, I may only care to have a television in the living room, the bedroom, and a few other areas of my house that are practical. In my car, though, where video viewing may be more a matter of pride than convenience, I have screens densely located throughout its interior, on surfaces such as the dashboard, steering wheel, sun visors, headrests, ceiling, trunk, and possibly other places, but which I would probably not view while driving, as I would not want to violate any local laws.

  SLIDE, SLIDE, SLIPPITYSLIDE, WITH SWITCHES ON THE BLOCK IN A ‘65

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “FANTASTIC VOYAGE” ON ALBUM: IT TAKES A THIEF BY ARTIST: COOLIO

  I am driving a 1965 model car around on the streets of my neighborhood with a system of hydraulic pumps connected to its suspension that, when activated, make various corners of the car, one side of the car, the front or back of the car, or the entire body of the car raise or lower to show off to pedestrians or other drivers as I glide smoothly down the road.

  KNOCKIN’ DOWN PICTURES OFF YA WALL

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “BEAT’N DOWN YO BLOCK” ON ALBUM: BEAT’N DOWN YO BLOCK! BY ARTIST: UNK

  The bass coming from the low-frequency subwoofer speakers in the trunk of my car is so loud that not only does it most likely awaken you from your slumber, interrupt your conversation or television viewing, and rattle the windows of your house, but the sound waves vibrate against your home so forcefully that any framed photographs or artwork you have hung inside will fall down when I drive past.

  USED TO COUNT MY SPOKES, NOW THESE HOES COUNT MY INCHES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “WANNA BE A BALLER” ON ALBUM: SITTIN’ FAT DOWN SOUTH BY ARTIST: LIL’ TROY

  Years ago, females I would not consider as life partners but possibly as temporary romantic acquaintances showed me respect by counting the dozens of thin metal pieces they saw radiating outward from the center of the smaller-diameter gold wheels that were on my car. Now that having larger-diameter solid chrome wheels is more popular, these same individuals show their admiration by taking note of the wheels’ diameter using the English system of measurement.

  I’M NOT A PLAYER, I JUST CRUSH A LOT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STILL NOT A PLAYER” ON ALBUM: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT BY ARTIST: BIG PUN

  Although I may engage in frequent sexual encounters with women for pleasure, this does not mean I fall into the category of those who use clever language to get females into bed. I may or may not attribute this behavior to my habit of easily becoming emotionally invested in females I have recently met.

  I LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVE CAKE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “21 QUESTIONS” ON ALBUM: GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’ BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  The passionate affection I feel toward you is as great as the pleasure an obese child finds in eating a delicious pastry.

  HOLLA AT A HOE ‘TIL I GOT A BITCH CONFUSED

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “P.I.M.P.” ON ALBUM: GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’ BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  I will speak with a commanding presence and be assertive to get a female’s attention, using a line of questioning and compliments that result in her becoming so puzzled that she accepts my suggestions to prevent embarrassment or because she thought she was agreeing to something else.

  WAY YOU DROP, WOULDA THOUGHT I HAD A TASER

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DEY KNOW” ON ALBUM: UNITS IN THE CITY BY ARTIST: SHAWTY LO

  The manner in which you are quickly lowering your posterior toward the floor and the flexibility you display for me in the process might cause onlookers to form the mistaken impression that your body was moving that way involuntarily as a result of the electrical current flowing through it delivered from a weapon used to neutralize criminals.

  EVEN THUGS GET LONELY

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “TEMPTATIONS” ON ALBUM: ME AGAINST THE WORLD BY ARTIST: 2PAC

  Although it might not cross your mind due to some of the things I say and because I act tough and convey an image that might seem emotionless, there are times when I long for the company of a loving woman or a friend to share my troubles and innermost feelings with.

  I’LL BAG YOU LIKE SOME GROCERIES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LOVE IN THIS CLUB” ON ALBUM: HERE I STAND BY ARTIST: USHER

  I will get you into the metaphorical sack, containing you within the covers of my bed, as easily as I would place a recently purchased item from the local supermarket into a paper, plastic, or reusable canvas shopping bag.

  MY TIME IS HELD UP EXTREMELY FOR COOKIES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DITTY” ON ALBUM: THE NINE YARDS BY ARTIST: PAPERBOY

  I am not necessarily bothered that the majority of my schedule is dedicated to or my progress is frequently impeded by attractive young women who either pursue me or whom I pursue.

  THE JOCKS GET TH
E FLY GIRLS, AND ME, I GET THE HOOD RATS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “I WISH” ON ALBUM: I WISH BY ARTIST: SKEE-LO

  Males who excel at sports such as basketball receive the privilege of being involved with attractive females, whereas, because I am not skilled in sports, I am left with females who are similar to rodents in that they are commonly found around the neighborhood and do not always pay close attention to personal hygiene.

  BITCHES DON’T SAY NO TO ME, I’M LIKE A WEDDING RING

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DOPE BOYS” ON ALBUM: LAX BY ARTIST: THE GAME

  Women do not ever disagree with anything I say nor the things I suggest, because I am as profound as a marriage proposal when I speak, resulting in their speechlessness or acceptance of my suggestions with an affirmative reply.

  GIVE GOOD BRAIN LIKE YOU GRADUATED FROM A GOOD SCHOOL

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “YOU” ON ALBUM: STREET LOVE BY ARTIST: LLOYD

  Even though I am aware sexual ability has no direct correlation to formal education, you perform fellatio very well, as if you have received a degree in the subject or have studied it at a prestigious educational institution.

  PACK A VEST FOR YOUR JIMMY IN THE CITY OF SEX

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “CALIFORNIA LOVE (REMIX)” ON ALBUM: ALL EYEZ ON ME BY ARTIST: 2PAC

  If you have not chosen to abstain from sexual intercourse until after marriage, you should wear a condom—the sexual equivalent to a bulletproof vest and something that is highly necessary in Los Angeles, which is a place that has many people with sexually transmitted diseases.

  IF YOU AIN’T NO PUNK, HOLLER “WE WANT PRENUP”

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “GOLD DIGGER” ON ALBUM: LATE REGISTRATION BY ARTIST: KANYE WEST

  If you are aware that a lot of women in this world are after men who are wealthy, insist upon signing a legal contract before marriage so that if the partnership ends in divorce, you will not lose any of your hard-earned money, which you acquired before meeting this female.

  I WANNA HIT THAT MORE THAN I WANNA HIT THE LOTTO

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “ROCKIN’ THAT SHIT (REMIX)” ON ALBUM: LOVE VS. MONEY BY ARTIST: THE-DREAM

  My desire to engage in intercourse with a particular woman is greater than my desire to be awarded millions of dollars as the result of numbers I have chosen being drawn in a game of chance.

  YOU DON’T STRIKE ME AS A WOMAN THAT FRONTS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “AIN’T GONNA HURT NOBODY” ON ALBUM: FACE THE NATION BY ARTIST: KID ‘N PLAY

  You do not seem as if you would put up verbal, emotional, or physical barriers to my approach, especially without previous knowledge of what my intentions are.

  WITNESS ME HOLLER AT A HOOCHIE, SEE HOW QUICK THE GAME TAKES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “ALL ‘BOUT U” ON ALBUM: ALL EYEZ ON ME BY ARTIST: 2PAC

  Sit back and observe as I engage in conversation with a woman of questionable sexual reputation and take note of how, by following conversational strategies that I have planned and adapted to my situation and my environment, only a short amount of time will elapse from the time I begin this activity until I convince her to do what I want.

  SHORTY SENT A TWIT PIC SAYING COME AND GET THIS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LOL :-)” ON ALBUM: READY BY ARTIST: TREY SONGZ

  My female acquaintance, who is not as tall as I am, has used her mobile phone to transmit a seductive photograph to an Internet photo-sharing service that accompanies a popular microblogging Web site along with a text caption requesting I visit her for a romantic encounter.

  HOOKERS LOOKIN’ SO HARD, THEY STRAIGHT HIT THE CURB

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “REGULATE” ON ALBUM: REGULATE … G FUNK ERA BY ARTIST: WARREN G

  The driver of a vehicle whose passengers had their eyes fixed on my nice automobile was in such awe of me that she failed to maintain control of her vehicle and it came in contact with the raised portion of concrete separating the roadway from the sidewalk, resulting in her embarrassment.

  IF I WASN’T MARRIED TO THE STREETS, IT’D BE YOU

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “BUST IT BABY, PART 2” ON ALBUM: DEFINITION OF REAL BY ARTIST: PLIES

  If my life didn’t revolve around and wasn’t dedicated to the urban matters of my neighborhood, you would be my second choice, but don’t get your hopes up, because my priorities aren’t likely to change anytime soon.

  MY PHONY HOMIE HAD A BABY BY MY OWN GIRL BUT I AIN’T TRIPPIN’, I’M A PLAYER

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “UNTIL THE END OF TIME” ON ALBUM: UNTIL THE END OF TIME BY ARTIST: 2PAC

  I was under the impression that a person I knew was a good friend, but he turned out not to be as trustworthy as I originally thought, as I found out he impregnated my girlfriend. I didn’t dwell on this, though, but instead moved on with my life because I have other females I can turn to for companionship.

  TREAT YOU LIKE THE FIRST LADY—I’LL PUT MY BARACK IN YA

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “ROCKIN’ THAT SHIT (REMIX)” ON ALBUM: LOVE VS. MONEY BY ARTIST: THE-DREAM

  I will take care of you as if you were married to the president of the United States, and the presidential treatment I give you will extend even to the bedroom, where I will pleasure you with my member which, because of the level of respect people show it, has been named after President Obama.

  HEARD THE BIRD CIRCLE WHILE I WAS EATING FISH AND WATCHING URKEL

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “GHETTO BIRD” ON ALBUM: LETHAL INJECTION BY ARTIST: ICE CUBE

  A police helicopter that was looking for me because I was a suspect in a crime was audible while I was hiding in a friend’s house eating food acceptable according to the guidelines of the Islamic faith and focusing my attention on the television, specifically one of the characters from the 1990s sitcom Family Matters.

  WE POP THEM TOASTERS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “THE GAMBLER” ON ALBUM: MAN VS MACHINE BY ARTIST: XZIBIT

  We squeeze the triggers of guns as casually as if we were attempting to discharge bread from a kitchen appliance before it had reached the level of warmth and crispness associated with the setting we had selected.

  I’M COMIN’ WITH A GUN LIKE A NINTENDO

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “TALKIN’ ABOUT IT” ON ALBUM: THE LEAK BY ARTIST: LIL WAYNE

  In the 1980s, a newly purchased Nintendo Entertainment System console commonly came with an electronic plastic light gun accessory that was used to play the bundled cartridge Duck Hunt, and although my weapon is not a toy, I take it many places.

  BETTER TOSS THAT YAYO, KEEP YOUR BANKROLL

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “1ST OF THA MONTH” ON ALBUM: E 1999 ETERNAL BY ARTIST: BONE THUGS-N-HARMONY

  If you are being chased by the police, it is advisable to throw any cocaine you have on your person into the bushes or in some other hard-to-find location that you can return to later, because if caught you could be searched, and if an illegal substance is found in your possession, you could be charged with a crime. However, it is advisable that you hang on to the rolled-up stack of currency you have in your pocket, because it is not something that you can be charged with a crime for having.

  GET SWISS-CHEESED UP

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “WHO SHOT YA” ON ALBUM: GREATEST HITS BY ARTIST: THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

  The amount of bullets that enter and exit you relative to your body’s surface area will be great in number and in equal proportion to the number of holes in a slice of a particular type of milk-derived sandwich ingredient.

  TRUNK OF THE CAR, WE GOT THE STREET-SWEEPER

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “MADE YOU LOOK” ON ALBUM: GOD’S SON BY ARTIST: NAS

  Our car is not large enough that a road-cleaning vehicle can fit in one of its compartments, but we may have an automatic weapon stored there capable of blanketing the entire street in gunfire.

  GOT THE SCOOP ON HOW TO GET A BULLETPROOF

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “HOW DO U WANT IT” ON ALBUM: ALL EYEZ ON ME BY ARTIST: 2PAC

  I am privy to information on how to obtain a vest that will protect you from gunshots, which not everyone knows how to obtai
n and could be essential in protecting you from enemy fire.

  SEND A JACKER INTO A COMA

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RIDIN’” ON ALBUM: THE SOUND OF REVENGE BY ARTIST: CHAMILLIONAIRE

  If a person approaches me with a weapon and is intent on taking control of my car and possibly harming me or my fellow passengers, they could be put into a state of indefinite unconsciousness through an act of self-defense.

  GOT A PUMP UNDER MY SEAT, SAWED-OFF

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “I’M SO PAID” ON ALBUM: FREEDOM BY ARTIST: AKON

  A shotgun has been modified, its barrel shortened with a hacksaw in order to make it easier to conceal under the driver’s seat of an automobile and also to widen the spread of its shot, which is handy for self-defense in close-range combat situations.