Understand Rap

by William Buckholz

  SOME BROTHERS PULLED SOME GATS, SO I SAID, “I’M STUCK”

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “REGULATE” ON ALBUM: REGULATE … G FUNK ERA BY ARTIST: WARREN G

  As I approached individuals I identified as likely to treat me like family, they brandished firearms and I realized I was in a difficult situation, which I was unable to remove myself from at that moment without assistance.

  WHOLE CAR STRAPPED, AND I AIN’T TALKIN’ SEAT BELTS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “BOTTOM OF THE MAP” ON ALBUM: LET’S GET IT: THUG MOTIVATION 101 BY ARTIST: YOUNG JEEZY

  Every individual sitting in the automobile has a gun, which, regardless of the adjective used, is probably not in a holster but more likely secured within the waistband of one’s pants, and I am not making a reference to the safety devices protecting their lives in case of an accident.

  SEVEN-TIME FELON, WHAT I CARE ABOUT A CASE, MAN?

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RUBBER BAND MAN” ON ALBUM: TRAP MUZIK BY ARTIST: T.I.

  I have been charged with or convicted of over half a dozen serious crimes, so I am familiar with court proceedings and will remain calm if on trial or forced to serve time in a correctional facility.

  GET A ID, THE NAME SAYS YOU BUT THE FACE IS ME

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “HELL YEAH” ON ALBUM: RBG: REVOLUTIONARY BUT GANGSTA BY ARTIST: DEAD PREZ

  One way to exploit a corrupt system is to confuse law enforcement officers by falsifying driver’s license information, making it difficult for investigators to pin a crime such as credit fraud on you.

  GOT THE HOLLOW POINTS FOR THE SNITCHES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LET ME RIDE” ON ALBUM: THE CHRONIC BY ARTIST: DR. DRE

  Bullets with empty cavities on their tips that are particularly harmful are available to be used against people who decide to inform the police of possible suspects in crimes that have taken place.

  I’M A FED, LIKE ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “ROLLING WITH HEAT” ON ALBUM: PHRENOLOGY BY ARTIST: THE ROOTS

  I am interested in beverages, plants, and weapons, and while this shows that my interests are similar to those of a person employed by a certain government agency, I may be more concerned with the acquisition of these items than with enforcing the laws that govern their use.

  TAP MY CELL AND THE PHONE IN THE BASEMENT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “MO MONEY MO PROBLEMS” ON ALBUM: LIFE AFTER DEATH BY ARTIST: THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

  I am so successful in my various business ventures that I am a target of law enforcement surveillance in the form of the monitoring of my telephone calls, both my wireless handset and the second phone line installed in a part of my house where I might take care of business-related activities due to its distance from the front door and other home entry points.

  YOU’LL KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED, WE DON’T TOLERATE SNITCHES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “NO SNITCHIN’” ON ALBUM: THE SOUND OF REVENGE BY ARTIST: CHAMILLIONAIRE

  Giving the police any information about a crime or identifying someone from your community as a suspect is considered an act of extreme disrespect regardless of what you may believe is a moral obligation, and may result in you being hated by the neighborhood.

  PACK A FOUR-MATIC THAT CRACK YOUR WHOLE CABBAGE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LIFE’S A BITCH” ON ALBUM: ILLMATIC BY ARTIST: NAS

  Someone has stored a high-caliber automatic weapon that is entirely capable of damaging your head, which is roughly the size of a dense, leafy vegetable.

  THAT PHOTO PHOBIA, NO KODAK MOMENTS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “CARTER II” ON ALBUM: THA CARTER II BY ARTIST: LIL WAYNE

  While I don’t have a particular fear of cameras themselves, I still do not want to be the subject or even in the background of any unnecessary photographs, even if a major film manufacturer suggested I should participate as part of an advertising campaign, because the more photos of me that are available, the more likely I can be identified and found after a crime that I may or may not have committed.

  GUNS IN THE ATTIC, MAMA HELP ME PUT ‘EM UP

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RICH OFF COCAINE” ON ALBUM: DEEPER THAN RAP BY ARTIST: RICK ROSS

  If I were to have a supply of firearms obtained by either legal or illegal means and wanted to store them somewhere I knew was safe, I would turn to my mother because she would help me hide them in the top floor of her house—that way they would be in a very unsuspicious location and if someone were to look for them, they would, presuming my mother protects me, have a difficult time finding them.

  SHOW MY FRONTS—IT’S MORE KARATS THAN BUGS BUNNY’S LUNCH

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “SITTIN’ SIDEWAYZ” ON ALBUM: THE PEOPLES CHAMP BY ARTIST: PAUL WALL

  Direct your focus toward my anterior incisor and cuspid teeth, which are most visible when my mouth opens, and pay no attention to the molars and bicuspids, which may be easily visible. As you can see, the weight of the diamonds inset into my decorative mouthpiece is a larger number than the quantity of vegetables a cartoon rabbit would eat during his midday meal.

  I HAD THE RED AND BLACK LUMBERJACK WITH THE HAT TO MATCH

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “JUICY” ON ALBUM: READY TO DIE BY ARTIST: THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

  My wardrobe previously consisted of a dual-colored wool coat and cap in a plaid pattern, which was a fashionable style popularized by men who cut down trees and, now that I have shifted my attention to more expensive things, is pleasing to me as I reminisce about my past and how my tastes have changed to match current fashion trends.

  GOT MORE KARATS THAN AISLE D, MORE BREAD THAN AISLE G

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “E.I.” ON ALBUM: COUNTRY GRAMMAR BY ARTIST: NELLY

  The weight and purity combined with the quantity of the expensive diamond or gold jewelry that is being worn is greater than the amount of vegetables and processed grains one would find in two arbitrarily chosen marked aisles at a grocery store.

  I SPORT THE CHINCHILLA TO HURT THEY FEELINS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LEAN BACK” ON ALBUM: TRUE STORY BY ARTIST: TERROR SQUAD

  Although reasons to wear a coat made from the fur of a rodent are many, including enhancement of appearance, a feeling of comfort, and warmth against freezing temperatures, the main reason to wear this material is to show that you have a lot of money and can afford expensive things, thereby raising your self-esteem above that of others and making them feel sad and relatively insignificant.

  SEE THE OYSTER PERPETUAL DAY-DATE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “HI HATER” ON ALBUM: IF TOMORROW COMES BY ARTIST: MAINO

  Although most young people tend to use the clocks on their mobile phones to keep track of the time, you should take notice when someone wears a specific type of expensive high-quality Rolex wristwatch, whether for timekeeping or fashion, because they spent a lot of money on it and would feel more justified about the expense if you would compliment them or otherwise indicate that you have taken notice.

  KEEP KNOCKIN’, WHETHER YOU’RE LOU’ VUITTON IT UP OR REEBOK-IN’

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “KNOCK YOU DOWN” ON ALBUM: IN A PERFECT WORLD … BY ARTIST: KERI HILSON

  Continue to put others down through your words or actions and without considering the brand of the clothing or shoes you are wearing, nor your associated socioeconomic status, thereby elevating yourself to a position of respect and success relative to them.

  I’M DOWN TO DIE FOR MY CHAIN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “IF I CAN’T” ON ALBUM: GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’ BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  Necklaces, although often worn as a fashion statement, do not always merely provide an enhancement to one’s appearance—to some they are a representation of beliefs through association with a particular record label, lifestyle, or peer group in which one takes great pride, and defending oneself from the theft of such an item is something that will be done at all costs.

  SO MUCH ICE ON THE WATCH, YOU WOULDA THOUGHT TIME FROZE

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “STILL ON IT” ON ALBUM: THE INSPIRATION BY ARTIST: YOUNG JEEZY
/>   Since both frozen water and highly compressed carbon share a similar luster, and since some people associate the lack of movement during a hypothetical pause in the space-time continuum to the cooling of water or another substance below thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit, you might think such an event is about to happen because of the large number of diamonds on the timepiece I wear on my wrist.

  OPEN UP MY MOUTH AND SUNLIGHT ILLUMINATES THE DARK

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DRIVE SLOW” ON ALBUM: LATE REGISTRATION BY ARTIST: KANYE WEST

  Should my lips part and expose what you would expect to be the enamel of my teeth, you will be surprised to find out that the diamond-covered mouthpiece I am wearing, while not a source of light itself, causes reflections from the sun or other light sources to illuminate dark areas around me. At the same time this is happening, you might also note that the words I am saying will cause you to be more aware of matters you may not have previously had information about.

  SHE GOT THE GUCCI LINEN

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “HEY MA” ON ALBUM: COME HOME WITH ME BY ARTIST: CAM’RON

  A particular woman has procured designer-brand bed dressings, which is a delightful thing both because of her good taste in fashion and the close attention she pays to details such as the level of comfort guests feel when spending time in her bedroom and which I may appreciate when visiting for a romantic evening.

  I’M A SUCKER FOR CORNROWS AND MANICURED TOES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “E.I.” ON ALBUM: COUNTRY GRAMMAR BY ARTIST: NELLY

  There is something about tightly braided strands of hair running from the forehead to the back of the neck and the expert grooming of the digits on the end of a woman’s feet that show careful attention has been paid to her appearance and makes me excited to the point that my emotions overpower my mental reasoning and cause me to make some concessions regarding issues that I would normally stand my ground on.

  LOUIS KNAPSACK WHERE I’M HOLDIN’ ALL THE WORK AT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “WHAT YOU KNOW” ON ALBUM: KING BY ARTIST: T.I.

  A female associate is carrying a Louis Vuitton brand designer bag, which is where a supply of drugs is temporarily stored, because it should not be kept on one’s person until after confirmation that the client has the required funds to buy the drugs has taken place, at which point the woman can be cleared to approach the staging area with the product, the vicinity having been verified as safe so that the transaction can conclude.

  WAY BACK, LIKE A SILK WIFE-BEATER AND A WAVE CAP

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LET THE BEAT BUILD” ON ALBUM: THA CARTER III BY ARTIST: LIL WAYNE

  Some years ago it began being particularly stylish for individuals to wear undershirts made of exceptionally smooth material named after the type of males who engaged in spousal abuse and commonly wore them, as well as coverings that hold conditioning chemicals tightly against one’s hair.

  SADDLE UP AND PUT SPURS ON MY AIR FORCES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “MIDWEST SWING” ON ALBUM: FREE CITY BY ARTIST: ST. LUNATICS

  A specific style of Nike tennis shoes could in theory be fitted with an accessory worn by cowboys to encourage movement in horses. This idea helps illustrate that I have not gotten caught up in the excitement of the East Coast or West Coast and associated big-city lifestyles the residents thereof take pride in, and can instead enjoy the conveniences of an urban environment with easy access to the country freedom associated with cities in the Midwest.

  CAN’T WEAR SKINNY JEANS ‘CAUSE MY KNOTS DON’T FIT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “SWAGGA LIKE US” ON ALBUM: PAPER TRAIL BY ARTIST: T.I.

  I am unable to wear tight-fitting denim bottoms that are currently fashionable among some groups of people, so instead I wear arguably more fashionable and definitely more loose-fitting Rocawear brand trousers because the items contained within require the extra room they provide.

  4X, YOU CAN’T SEE THE SEMIAUTOMATIC

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “THROW BACK” ON ALBUM: STREET DREAMS BY ARTIST: FABOLOUS

  When one wears an oversized top, such as a throwback jersey featuring a sports team logo from years ago, they are able to better conceal weapons that might be hidden in the waist of their trousers.

  GETTIN’ UNRELEASED JORDANS STRAIGHT FROM TOKYO

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “DEM BOYZ” ON ALBUM: U GOTTA FEEL ME BY ARTIST: LIL’ FLIP

  It is desirable to have the newest popular fashions as soon as, or in some cases before, they are released to the public, and sneakers worn and marketed by one of the greatest basketball players of all time might conceivably be procured in a large city in Asia, where they might be sold before they are shipped to the United States.

  HOCKEY PLAYERS PAGIN’ ME TO PRACTICE ON MY WRIST

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “ICE-E” ON ALBUM: WHO’S THE BOSS BY ARTIST: NELLY & THE ST. LUNATICS

  I have so much diamond jewelry covering the end of my arm near my hand that individuals who enjoy a certain cold-weather contact sport are contacting me on my outdated alphanumeric communication device, having confused my bracelet for an ice rink they would like to use to improve their athletic abilities.

  MY DIAMONDS, MY FITTED, AND MY MINK ON

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “JUST A LIL BIT” ON ALBUM: THE MASSACRE BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  I like my attire to consist of crystals that were mined from beneath the earth’s surface, a head covering that conforms perfectly to the size of my crown without requiring an unsightly plastic adjustment strap, and the fur of a small forest-dwelling weasel-like creature that provides both comfort and warmth.

  SHE GOT ON PAYLESS; ME, I GOT ON GATOR SHOES

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “P.I.M.P.” ON ALBUM: GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’ BY ARTIST: 50 CENT

  The woman I am associating with has covered her feet with items purchased from a retail chain that is known for emphasizing value over excess and, in contrast, I am wearing much more expensive foot coverings made from the skin of a reptile native to the southeastern United States. Although this doesn’t necessarily prevent me from associating with her, it is indicative of our different positions on an economic scale.

  BEEN A PLAYER SINCE FREEZE POPS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “SCANDALOUS” ON ALBUM: FREE CITY BY ARTIST: ST. LUNATICS

  During my youth, I began exhibiting qualities associated with one who excels at convincing women to concede to his own selfish sexual interests, and this happened at the same approximate time that I began consuming frozen fruit-flavored treats packaged in plastic tubes.

  GETTIN’ FUNKY ON THE MIKE LIKE A OLD BATCH O’ COLLARD GREENS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “NUTHIN’ BUT A ‘G’ THANG” ON ALBUM: THE CHRONIC BY ARTIST: DR. DRE

  Because they both cause people to take notice, someone rapping in a skillful manner is compared to an odiferous quantity of leafy plants that have been cooked and have been sitting at room temperature for quite some time.

  FLOW SO COLD, CHICKEN SOUP WON’T HELP

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “LOLLIPOP (REMIX)” ON ALBUM: THA CARTER III (ITUNES BONUS TRACK) BY ARTIST: LIL WAYNE

  The stream of lyrics that travels from my mouth to the microphone is so powerful that if it were a treatable sickness, a common home remedy would have no effect.

  BEEN SMOOTH SINCE DAYS OF UNDEROOS

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “HYPNOTIZE” ON ALBUM: LIFE AFTER DEATH BY ARTIST: THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

  I never experienced any of the awkward or clumsy moments many individuals suffer through in their youth. Rather, I have been able to carry myself with a confidence that has resulted in the handling of situations with unfaltering ease ever since I wore a certain brand of children’s underpants featuring cartoon, comic, and movie characters.

  GOT THE TITLE FROM MY MAMA, PUT THE WHIP IN MY OWN NAME NOW

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “RIDE WIT ME” ON ALBUM: COUNTRY GRAMMAR BY ARTIST: NELLY

  I obtained from my mother the document that proves ownership of a vehicle that I have been driving. There may have been an arrangement for this document to previously reflect her as owner either because
of my poor credit or in order to keep the vehicle in the family should I run into legal trouble and it otherwise be impounded by law enforcement. Regardless of the reason, and now that I have established a high level of monetary success, I will take this document and full responsibility for the vehicle.

  I AIN’T PASS THE BAR, BUT I KNOW A LITTLE BIT

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “99 PROBLEMS” ON ALBUM: THE BLACK ALBUM BY ARTIST: JAY-Z

  Although I haven’t educated myself concerning all the matters necessary to complete the examination lawyers take to be able to practice law, I have enough knowledge about legal issues to know when someone is violating my rights.

  NOW MY GRANDMAMA AIN’T THE ONLY GIRL CALLIN’ ME BABY

  LYRIC FROM SONG: “GOOD LIFE” ON ALBUM: GRADUATION BY ARTIST: KANYE WEST

  During my youth, my parent’s mother called me “baby” as a way to show me I was loved. Now that I am successful, females who are not members of my family call me by that same name in a romantic way.