the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “It might be,” she replied, dodging a troupe of Year Twelve ballet slags.

  I sighed and prayed to some deity that they’d give me some sort of strength to keep it together. “You don’t need to be late to class just so you can see him move. I’m sure he’d be happy to show you any time.”

  “Who says I want to see him?” she asked.

  I just shook my head, knowing there was no way Bec was going to admit she just wanted to have a perve on Casper dancing. Mind you, it was about the only time I didn’t feel dirty perving on him. Not that I made a habit of perving on him; that would be gross, like perving on Brett. But, when Casper moved, he had a confidence, strength and grace that no amount of arrogance could lessen, because he’d truly earned it.

  I walked into the studio and found Casper was actually early and already going through some potential steps. Although, when it came to dance, Casper would camp out for weeks if he could.

  “Yo, brought backup. Just in case I’m not feeling it, you know,” I said nonchalantly, dropping my bag, and he stopped to look at us with a grin; Bec was never going to be mistaken for a trained dancer.

  “I could work with that,” he answered.

  “So, I’m just that now?” Bec asked, crossing her arms and popping her hip.

  Casper gave her as sincere a smile as he owned – which, to be fair, was pretty sincere; he was in his happy place. “Never, Becca.” He frowned at her for a moment. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

  She sighed. “Geez, it’s like you neither of you want me here.”

  “Oh, I’ll bet Lei doesn’t, but I’m more than happy to accommodate you,” Casper said with a sexy smirk.

  “Ugh. Nope. Get out, Bec, before I have to witness something heinous.” I shook my head and nudged her towards the door.

  Bec laughed. “Later, babe.”

  “See you in English,” I replied, pulling off my jumper.

  “You warm?” he asked.

  I nodded, stretching some more anyway out of habit. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  His face fell. “I thought you were going to come in here with a finished piece?” But, he couldn’t even finish the sentence with a straight face and was smiling hugely before he’d finished.

  I shook my head at him. “You’re a right plonker. Come on, what’re you thinking of?”

  “A love story.”

  “Of course. How original,” I said with a hefty amount of eye rolling.

  “Not for me. Plus, if I can pull off a convincing love story, how great will that be!”

  “Uh huh.” I looked at him, unconvinced. “Let’s say that works… Music?”

  “No, really. Think about it. Good dance is about making the audience feel something. If little old me can make them believe I’ve fallen in love, I will have accomplished the greatest performance of my life!”

  He seemed genuinely convinced by the fact and, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t disagreeing with him at this point. Plus, it was his piece; he could do whatever the hell he wanted with it.

  “Okay, presuming the premise is solid. What do you want to do about music? You’ll have something for Natalie in it, so it needs some classical elements…” I petered off, waiting for him join in at any point.

  He gave me a wry smile.

  “Oh, Jesus, what?”

  “Just listen before you decide no, okay?”

  “Shit, I know I’m going to hate this…”

  He gave me a placating smile and moved over to the media player. I closed my eyes, refusing to look at him until this whole process was over. I wasn’t going to tell him it also helped me get a better visual of potential steps.

  The music started and washed over me. I recognised it as soon as it started and, oddly enough, the routine started to unfold in my mind’s eye. When the chorus started, I could picture just why Casper had chosen the song. It was just the sort of song that leant itself to various styles. It was contemporary in nature, so there’d be rolling around on the floor – which I detested – but Natalie was the one who’d have to perform it, so hopefully I could wangle out of the least amount of bruises.

  The song came to a close as I opened my eyes, an idea for the ending coming to me. I’d wait and see if it suited before I mentioned anything to him though.

  “Aminata? Little obscure, don’t you think?” I asked when it was finished, unable to stop the smile on my face; it was a good song, regardless of how the routine was going to go.

  “Everyone likes a good love that revives your soul–”

  “Like you’d know. You wouldn’t know a love to choose over all if it kicked you in the nuts,” I scoffed.

  He conceded that one. “Yeah, all right. Maybe not. But, that’s where the performance comes in!”

  “And, you’ve talked to Natalie?”

  He shrugged. “Not yet, but I’m sure she won’t care. She’s got her own stuff to worry about, so she’s only going to care about the steps.” Why did it sound like he was asking if that was okay with me?

  I nodded. “It’s your thing, doesn’t bother me how you do it.”

  “Okay, good, so come here, I’m thinking we start this way…”

  I moved over to him and he manoeuvred me to stand in front of him and placed my right foot behind my left, and leant me over to the right a little.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, good, loosen up a little.” He tapped my stomach and I adjusted, resisting the urge to slap him one. “Yeah, nice. Right…”

  He moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

  “Right. Your hands on mine.”

  I did as he instructed.

  “Well, so far, I’m getting lust. But, the love thing is eluding me,” I sniggered.

  “Shut up.” But, I felt him huff a small laugh. “Ready?”

  He put me through his ideas; an unfolding high kick into a turn which had us facing each other before he dropped me into a sweeping dip. And, on from there.

  “You could at least pretend to look at me like you love me,” he grumbled after we put the first part to music for the first time.

  I laughed. “Yeah, because that’s a thing that’s going to happen.”

  He huffed and spun me into a dip, staring at me intensely. “How am I supposed to be believably in love with a girl who doesn’t believably love me?”

  “I know you’ve never had that problem, Cas, but you may well find yourself in that situation one day. If you fall in love with a girl and she doesn’t love you back, what are you going to do? Run away? Pout and demand she love you back? Or…are you going to fight for her?” I asked him, looking back at him with just as much intensity.

  I all-but saw the light bulb go off in his head and the gears crank a notch faster. Slowly, a grin spread over his face. “You’re a fucking genius, Lei. I could kiss you!”

  “Please don’t,” I cried as he spun me back to standing.

  He bounced on his toes, filled with all the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. “Oh, if this works, I’m so getting top of the class.”

  “Arrogant,” I huffed. “Why is this now?”

  He pirouetted and leaped across the room. “Because, even better than making them believe I’ve fallen in love? Making them believe I’m fighting for the love of my girl.”

  “Oh, Jesus Christ, Cas! Really? Miss Lyons either has a very poor opinion of you – not saying it’s not well-deserved – or you have a poor opinion of yourself – also not saying it’s not well-deserved. Either way, you’re forgetting about your partner here? Can Natalie pull of despising you?”

  “She doesn’t have to despise me.”

  “No, but she has to believably not like you. And, Natalie has a hard time not liking anyone…” It was true, Natalie was a genuinely beautiful person, inside and out.

  Casper thought for a moment. “You do it, then.”

  “No.”

  “What? Just like that? You won’t even c
onsider it?”

  “No one in your class wants me dancing in your showcase, Drake. It’s not happening.”

  “Your class is in it, too–”

  “Not like that. I dance in a Year Twelve piece? Nope.”

  “Lani, come on,” he pleaded, but I shook my head.

  “I cannot be the only girl who doesn’t like you. I’m sure Natalie’s professional enough to get the job done.”

  “Fine. But, you might have to teach her,” he grumbled.

  “Teach a girl to dislike you? I’d teach every girl to dislike you if I could, Drake,” I answered and gave his look of irritation an enormous grin.

  Chapter Seven

  Casper

  Lani agreed to turn up to every class I asked her to and I thought we were having a great time. Sure, we still fought, but it was the good kind of fighting; mostly over what would work best, what wasn’t working. As per usual, when it came to chorie, I acceded to her decision…almost every time.

  Wednesday the next week found us in such an argument, but I wasn’t backing down this time.

  “No, it’s not working, Casper,” she insisted.

  “It is. Look.” I took her hand and led her through the steps for the chorus.

  She sighed as she stumbled against me. “Well, Natalie might be able to do it, but I can’t. So, we can chorie it, but rehearsing it with me isn’t going to work.”

  This wasn’t like her; she lived for a challenge and she lived to master anything given to her. I pulled her round to face me. “Lei, what’s up?”

  When she wouldn’t look me in the eye, I tipped her face up by her chin and gave her a look that would brook no arguments.

  “Come on, this isn’t you. Loosen up and you know you can do it. You know it looks good, so why change it?”

  She huffed and pulled her face out of my grip. “Whatever. Go again.”

  We went through the steps again and, even though her face looked like thunder, she did indeed loosen up and the chorie worked fine. I gave her a few more run throughs to work out her bad mood, but for once it didn’t shift. Finally, I walked up behind her, put my arms around her, leant my head against the side of hers, and caught her eye in the mirror ahead of us.

  “What’s up, Lani?”

  She sighed and tried to wriggle out of my arms, but I held firm.

  “Nothing, Cas, I’m fine.”

  “Come on, Lei. I know when you’re in a shit, and you’re in a serious shit now. Talk to me. You know I’m here for you.”

  She sighed, but it was more resigned this time and she sagged back against me. “Nothing huge. Miss Lyons is getting heavy on the Latin in Dance next week.”

  That made sense. “Ah, okay…” I waited to see if she’d ask. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t. “I’ll go through it with you if you want?”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “You just have to ask.”

  I saw her try to stop herself smiling. “I didn’t want to.”

  I hugged her tightly and was rewarded with a smile. “Just accept the help and we can move on,” I said, picking her up and swinging her around. She squealed in surprise and giggled as she tried to get me to put her down. “Accept the help and I’ll put you down,” I said.

  “Okay! Okay, fine. I accept the help!” she giggled as I slowed us to a stop.

  I gave her a nod and kissed her hair before I let her go and turned to the media player to find something suitable.

  It wasn’t that Lani was bad at Latin, per se. But, it was one of her least favourites. She had enough trouble being comfortable with me putting my arm around her, it was no surprise being comfortable enough with another person for the fluidity of Latin dancing was something she had trouble with. Not that she’d admit that; she’d just tell you Latin was stupid. Personally, there was little better than Latin for some good old-fashioned seduction, if you asked me.

  “Now? We don’t have to do it now. We have to work on your piece!” she said quickly.

  “Lei, my piece isn’t due for months, we can take some time out for Latin. Just remember what Cami keeps telling you; loose, fluid, relaxed, sensual,” I replied, walking back over to her.

  She rolled her eyes and let me take her hand. “Uh huh, because I am all those things.”

  I looked down at her as we started moving, something basic to get her back in the rhythm. “You can be. You know you can. Just close your eyes.” I waited for her to do as she was told, giving her an encouraging look. She acquiesced after glaring at me. “Good, now, just pretend we’re at a party. It’s just me and you, dancing like we always do.”

  I felt her hips begin to sway with mine and watched as her face wrinkled in concentration. I bit back a laugh as I spun her out. Her eyes flew open and she stumbled.

  I did laugh then. “Come on, chica, relax and let it flow.”

  She glared at me again and put her hand on my shoulder.

  “Stop trying to lead,” I chuckled.

  She huffed at me, closed her eyes again and I felt her begin to properly follow me. That was the problem with Lani; she was a leader, and that made couples dancing rather difficult. And, I was pretty sure every other guy she danced with was too scared to tell her to stop leading and just let her. But, she could do with a relinquish of control now and then.

  This time, when I spun her, she moved perfectly out and back into me. I brought her in so her back was against my chest. It would have been easier if she was wearing her heeled dance shoes, but we could manage well enough as we were.

  I slid my hands down her sides as she moved her hips to the beat. As we spun again, I caught our reflection in the mirror and even I got a little flustered by what I saw. I mean, Lani and I had learnt Latin together. We’d danced like this together a bunch of times over the years. But, I had never seen her just give herself up to the music and move without thinking about it. She was biting her lip, as though partly in concentration and partly in complete abandon. Our bodies moved in sync, so close there was no space between us. I felt every part of her up against me, her body lean and strong from years of dancing, climbing trees, and running around with us.

  I stopped her in a dip and found myself breathing a little heavier than I usually would.

  Slowly, Lani opened her eyes. “You right?” she asked.

  I pulled her to standing and cleared my throat. “Yeah, totally, why?”

  She gave me an odd smile. “I dunno, you just look kind of odd,” she said as the bell rang and she went to pick up her stuff as though nothing had happened.

  And, I guess as far as she was concerned, nothing had happened. Me, on the other hand, I was feeling an awful lot like something had happened but I had no idea what or what it meant.

  I mean, Lani and I flirted. It was what we did. It was like our main form of communication; whether we were complimenting each other or – as more often than not – arguing and insulting each other, it was done flirtatiously. Sometimes it got a little more physical than others. And, we had our bodies up against each other in dance plenty.

  So, what the hell had just happened? It was nothing out of the ordinary; it wasn’t even remotely different to anything we’d ever done before.

  And, yet, here I was left feeling like I needed to…

  Fuck, I didn’t know what. A cold shower would be good to begin with.

  “Casper?”

  I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. I saw Lani was standing at the door with her bag and a questioning look on her face.

  “Ah, yeah?” I replied.

  “See you later, then?”

  I nodded. “Yes, great, thanks.”

  She smiled. “Thanks to you, too.”

  I gave her a short wave and resisted the urge to pull her to me for a very unbrotherly kiss. I shook my head again and told myself to stop being ridiculous. Lani was a good friend, more like a sister; nothing more, nothing less. She’d caught me off guard and I’d been privileged to witness the first tim
e she’d actually looked like she was enjoying a tango. That was all.

  I packed up the room and headed to Psych, knowing if anything was going to take my mind off images of Lani in a very inappropriate capacity, then it was stats.

  Besides, I didn’t like Lani. I never could like her, not like that. She was a good friend, but she kept herself so shut off from the world. Even the people she loved, she kept at arm’s length. It killed me every day to see the way she never let anyone get close to her. And, it angered me that she never let herself not worry and just feel.

  Although, that’s exactly what she’d done just then, and look at where that had got me…

  e

  By the time Lani met me on Thursday morning, my thoughts about her were back to their old selves; I didn’t have any crazy urges to kiss her, or to hold her longer than necessary and I felt zero weirdness.

  I put it down to weird hormone shit and getting the lines between practically-family and romance blurred. It was bound to happen at some point; how many friends of your preferred sex have you got that you haven’t considered or thought about indecently? Not many? No, didn’t think so. There was nothing wrong with the thought crossing your mind, it’s fucking natural after all. What we do with those thoughts, well, that makes all the difference.

  Also, I blamed Megan the weekend before. If she hadn’t put questions into my head about what Lani and I were or weren’t or could be, then I wouldn’t be getting all weirded out and shit. I’d thought my plans were going to be fun, not confuse me. And, I was going to make sure they stayed in fun and not curve into confusing.

  My plans had taken a whole other route; I’d been wondering if I could shift the school’s idea of us, just for a laugh – because it wasn’t like I had anything else to focus on. But, now, the idea would have two purposes. First, it would annoy Lani to no end and be excellently amusing to me. Second – and slightly more importantly – it might help Lani loosen up and I’d see that unburdened girl enjoying a tango more often.

  If Lani had noticed me being overly weird the day before though, she made no mention of it and rehearsal went off pretty well; there was laughing and frivolity, as well as a healthy dose of actual work being done. So – all in all – a good day, and it looked like we’d have something reasonably solid to show Natalie in a couple of weeks.