the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  His enthusiasm never failed to make me smile. “I think we’ve got it somewhere, yeah.”

  “Awesome!” he chuckled. “Should we wait for Brett?”

  I sighed, wishing I could be as enthusiastic as him. “I doubt there’s a need. Look, Cas, I’m serious here. What is with all the touching lately?” I asked, pulling milk out of the fridge.

  He gave me that annoyingly suave shrug. “I said I’d help with your Latin.”

  “How the hell does helping me with my Latin equate to you constantly touching me?”

  “Well, my theory is you suck at Latin–”

  “Hey!”

  “It’s the truth and we both know it. But, you suck because you hate being touched. Why is beyond me, but that’s not really my problem.”

  “I don’t hate being touched.”

  “Okay, correction. You hate being touched more than necessary and only suffer a touch during dance when it’s absolutely necessary. Okay, I lied before. I’m going to need to know why that is?”

  I stared at him for a few moments in silence. “I don’t–”

  “Come on, Lei, it’s me. Why the hell do you have a problem hugging people but you’re fine to be touched when you dance?”

  I sighed, knowing he was going to keep pushing and telling him was going to just make him go away faster. “Because it doesn’t mean anything.” I shut the fridge.

  “It doesn’t mean anything?”

  I shrugged. “It’s just steps in the dance.”

  “So, what’s different about Latin?”

  Um, how about everything, Casper?

  I shrugged again. “Nothing, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He glared at me. “Uh. No. There is a difference and I want to know what it is.”

  “I’m just not like you and excellent at everything, okay? I’m allowed to not be good at something.”

  He scoffed. “Apart from the fact you excel at everything you put your mind to – to a frustrating level of perfection – it’s more than you’re not good enough. Neither of us are stupid, Lei, so don’t treat us like we are. We learnt Latin together, so I think I know something about it.”

  “You don’t know anything about it. Latin’s stupid and that’s all there is to it.”

  “I knew you’d say that,” he snorted as he pointed at me. “Might I remind you that you think contemporary is stupid as well? But, that doesn’t stop you being good at it. Great at it in fact. Come on, Lei. What is it about Latin that makes it different? What makes that not okay, yet you’re quite happy to dance close enough with me at parties that you can feel exactly how hard I’m getting for you?”

  I spluttered. “You get hard for me?”

  He looked total unfazed by such an announcement. “Lei, I’m an eighteen-year-old guy, I get hard for pizza. If I wasn’t getting hard when one of the most beautiful girls I know is dancing up against me, then I’d start to think I had some kind of unhealthy pizza fetish.”

  I was still not quite comprehending the situation and my brain seemed to have just turned off. “Sorry… I turn you on?”

  “Jesus, Lani! Yes, it’s not that big a deal, move on,” he sighed, rolling his hand at me.

  “Not a big deal?”

  He waved his hand at me again, dismissing my words. “Like I said, even pizza turns me on. Don’t over think it. More pressing is the fact that your aversion to being touched is interfering with your Latin ability. Do you want to do well on this module or not?”

  I sighed. “Yes, of course I do.”

  “Right. Think of it like a competition then. We’ve always flirted.” He shrugged. It was weird we were voicing it, but that didn’t make it untrue. “Let’s amp it up. See how much physical contact we can initiate. Whoever backs off first, loses.”

  “A competition? Just so I’ll get better at Latin?” I asked sceptically.

  He grinned. “I am also adamant I’ll win, so there’s that.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. I wasn’t quite passed the whole me turning him on thing, but I was putting a pin in it for now.

  “Fine. You’re on. Starting now. But, there will be boundaries, Drake.”

  He held up said hands defensively. “Okay, what?”

  “No snogging. Not even a peck. Your lips don’t go anywhere near mine.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Anything else is fair game, then?” He winked.

  “Keep it PG and we won’t have a problem.”

  There was that grin I couldn’t refuse, the one eerily akin to the panty-melter that told me he was gearing up for all kinds of mischief. A flutter of regret nudged me, but I couldn’t back down now; the competition was on. I’d had the power the other week, I’d managed to get him visibly hot and bothered. And, he had no idea what I could actually withstand. I could totally win this.

  With a nod, he reached over the bench and held his hand out. We shook.

  “All right, Lei, game on.” He straightened and picked up his coffee. “Now, movie time?”

  I looked at the clock on the wall and shrugged. “Sure, we’ve got time.” I picked up my own coffee and started heading out of the kitchen.

  He chuckled, stood smoothly, and put his arm around my waist. “How long do you need to get dolled up tonight, doll?” he asked, placing a kiss on my hair.

  “Well, let’s see… Nick and Ash seem fairly keen to see me… So, say an hour?” I answered with a smile.

  He stopped, but didn’t let go of me. “What?”

  I shrugged. “It’s only an hour, Cas.”

  “No, run that Nick and Ashford thing by me again?”

  I blinked and my cheeks burned, but I looked down so he wouldn’t notice. “Well, they just asked about it… It was just a joke, Cas…”

  I felt his arm tighten and we started walking up to the lounge room again. “Right. So, nothing there with Nick or Ashford?”

  I nodded as I took a sip of coffee. “Not that I’m aware of.” Certainly not with Ash, and… Well, me and Nick have been there, done that…

  “Good. One of those wankers touches you and it won’t be pretty.” He kissed my hair again almost absent-mindedly, then dropped his arm and loped up the stairs.

  “You don’t seem to have a problem with Trent!” I called as my shorter legs failed to keep up.

  I saw him pause at the top and shrug. “Trent’s a decent guy.”

  “Trent’s a decent guy? Of all your mates, you’re going to call Trent a decent guy?” I scoffed.

  “What? He’s not bad.”

  “But, Nick and Ash are?”

  “Lani, you haven’t seen half of what those boys do to the girls they leave behind–”

  “You think I don’t know? No one looks at those boys and expects them to be boyfriend material, Cas. No one looks at any of you boys and expects you to be boyfriend material unless they’re entirely delusional.”

  He frowned. “How the hell would you know?”

  I gulped, but hoped he didn’t notice as I scooted past him and headed for the television. The whole upstairs was Brett and mine; bedroom and en suite on each end, a spare room and main bathroom, and a lounge room complete with bar – not that it was fully stocked unless we did it ourselves; Mum and Dad would only buy us beer (good thing the boys were eighteen now).

  “Lani…” he said in his warning tone.

  “What? Bec talks,” I answered, which wasn’t a total lie. “And, she’s pretty damn graphic…” That was the complete truth.

  “Damn, how many of my mates has she slept with?”

  I shrugged, glad topic had moved on. “I can’t say I keep a tally. Most?”

  “But, not me?”

  “Well, duh!” I laughed.

  “Rude. And, not Brett? Why not? What’s wrong with Brett?”

  I turned and gave him a look. Did he seriously expect Bec to want to sleep with either of them when we’d both had a front row seat to the Casper and Brett show our whole l
ives? And, as amusing as it was, they had become truly heinous young men. Wandering around like self-entitled wankers, full of albeit semi-deserved arrogance, and hooking up with any girl they could get their hands and mouths on? And, I did love Brett and he was a good big brother. I supposed, in some ways, Casper made an even better big brother; he looked out for me, he made me laugh, I knew I could always count on him. But, brotherliness aside, as human beings they were less than ideal.

  I was by no means an actual angel – family nickname aside. But, at least I hid my fairly impressive list of flaws behind sass and a phobia of commitment. Or, at least that was the plan. I was probably less extraordinary than I thought I was.

  “Do I really need to put it into words?” I asked, really hoping the answer would be no.

  He flopped onto the couch and put his feet on the coffee table. I half expected a tantrum, I half expected a fight. But, he shrugged.

  “Nah, ‘spose not.” He grinned and held him arm out. “Come on then, I’m looking forward to this.”

  I grabbed the remotes and sat next to him, letting him put his arm around my shoulders while I leant my head on him. “The movie, the competition, or me not being rude?”

  He chuckled and nearly spat coffee down his front. “Oh, I didn’t realise this was you not being rude.”

  I thumped him. “Cute.”

  “Very, I know. But, no. All of the above, actually.”

  I couldn’t say I disagreed with him. I was also looking forward to just sitting inside on a rainy Saturday afternoon and watching a good movie with him like old times.

  And it was just like old times. We laughed, we quoted some of the lines together, and we paused it and made popcorn – which we then proceeded to throw at each other more than eat.

  We may have sat a little closer than usual, and he may have put his nose in my hair more than usual, but on the whole it was nice.

  I felt nice and normal and safe for the first time in a long time.

  e

  We walked into Nick’s house and it was all go. As usual, the music was loud, the drinks were flowing, people wandered or danced everywhere, and Casper didn’t seem inclined to let go of my hand.

  “Boyos!” Nick cried as we walked in; Casper in front, dragging me along, Bec giggling in my ear, and Brett bringing up the rear.

  “Nicholas!” Brett yelled with a butt load of enthusiasm as Casper waved.

  People said hi to the boys as we passed and I shared a humoured smirk with Bec. Surreptitiously, I tried to go in the opposite direction to Cas, but he spun and pulled my back to his front.

  “Dance, Lei?” he asked, his breath tickling my ear.

  “Haven’t you got some other unfortunate girl to distract you from your pizza fetish?” I replied with a smirk, turning to look at him and our noses almost touched.

  He laughed, those green eyes dancing. “A lesser man would assume you didn’t want to dance with him.”

  “A less arrogant boy maybe.”

  “Oh, Lei. You wound me.”

  His hands were on my hips and one slid over my stomach, pulling me closer. I did my best to lean back into him. Oddly, the creeping feeling across my skin I usually got in these situations was less than usual. To be fair, I’d always felt conflicted when Casper touched me; on one hand, it was so ingrained in me to find it natural; on the other, it was highly disgusting with the amount of other girls he touched; on yet another, physical contact was far too close for comfort.

  The only thing I could liken it to was that – whenever someone touched me – I felt this overwhelming sense of panic. What it related to, I didn’t really know. But, there was this feeling that I was going to lose everything, that everything was about to go to shit again. If I didn’t touch people by choice, then I wouldn’t lose anyone else; I could forget that I was waiting for the shit to hit the fan, or waiting for it to finish hitting the fan.

  God, I was always waiting.

  Waiting to see if Brett was going the way of Jonny.

  Waiting for the day Casper stepped too far over the damn line and even I couldn’t make excuses for him.

  Waiting for Emma’s withdrawal to become more destructive.

  Waiting for Paddy to come out of remission.

  Waiting for those damned sunny skies in my life once again.

  I realised Casper’s arms had tightened around me and there was something far more protective than horny emanating from him now.

  “You okay?” he whispered and I knew he’d sensed my mood shift.

  People flowed around us, completely uncaring that I was wrapped in Casper Drake’s arms. Brett and Bec had disappeared into the crowd. Luke waved from the other side of the room and I gave him a tight smile. A new girl in the year below me had her eye on Casper and I may as well have seen the thoughts in her head like they were playing on a movie screen.

  “There’s a girl over there who’d be quite happy to help you with your pizza fetish denial,” I said, back peddling. My hand trailed over the arm around my stomach as I turned to face him with a humoured smirk.

  I watched his eyes leave my face for a brief moment as he looked behind me. The corner of his mouth twitched, and then he looked back at me, staring at me keenly.

  “Megan can wait–”

  “Megan? What happened to Phoebe?”

  “–what’s up?” He ignored my interjection.

  I felt my eyebrow rise. “Who says anything’s up?”

  His face closed down with a frown and I felt an argument coming on. I could have left it. I could have just told him I’d been thinking about Brett. But, then that would have constituted a truthful conversation, and we so weren’t those sorts of people. Anymore. So, I continued.

  “Or, did you see pizza?” I asked, my voice full of innuendo.

  “Leilani…” His tone was full of warning and I knew I was looking at the Casper who wouldn’t stop until I’d bared my soul.

  Remembering our new competition, I slid my arms around his neck and pressed my body into his; anything physical was likely to distract him from anything mental, so that was my best bet. My fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck and I nuzzled his neck.

  “What, Casper?”

  I felt his arms tense around my back. “You’re playing a dangerous game, Granger.”

  “Am I, Drake?” I asked, sliding a hand down his chest. “I thought you had this in the bag?”

  Casper’s hand splayed on my back and his other took the hand on his chest.

  “Casper…?”

  “You’ve done it now, Granger…” he said and pulled me into a tango.

  I caught his eye with a quizzical look, only just registering that people were getting out of our way. Casper had a hint of a smirk playing at his lips and his eyes were warm with an almost condescending humour.

  “You won’t talk to me? Fine. We don’t need to talk.” His lips were close to my ear.

  “Casper… This is crazy,” I answered, as his hand ran up my leg.

  “Is it?” he asked, his intense eyes finding mine again and something other than the familiar creeping shivered across my skin.

  He twirled me and I vaguely registered cheers. I followed him without even thinking, so surprised that my body didn’t have time for anything else but keeping up while my brain just stopped. It had been similar on Wednesday. Whatever he’d done, whatever he’d said, I’d relaxed enough to enjoy myself. Then, I’d realised how close we were and my body had flushed hot.

  It decided to do that now. Only, this time, my eyes were open. This time, I saw Casper wasn’t the one to be taken by surprise; it was all me at a disadvantage here. Well, two could play at that game. Casper was, so far, entirely out of the loop on the things my body had managed. So, now was as good a time as any to start using it to regain the advantage.

  Pushing aside every feeling of panic welling at such an intimate caress, I forced myself to relax further; I could do it if it was in aid of an
noying Casper.

  My hips swayed with the music, rubbing up against him as my arms wrapped around his neck. My leg found his hip as he dipped me and whipped me back up, our noses brushing past each other. There was a challenge in his eyes and a heavy dose of respect I hadn’t seen him give anyone in years. We were caught in a push-pull, a clash of wills, and there was very little in the way of a clear winner emerging.

  As the song ended, we finished, breathing heavily. There was more clapping and cheering and people started moving back in to dance around us.

  But, Casper and I just stood, my leg still around his waist, staring at each other.

  “You didn’t disappoint.”

  “Was that a compliment, Cas?” I asked as though I were surprised.

  He gave me a gorgeous half-smile. “Never, Lei.”

  I opened my mouth to reply, but someone else beat me to it.

  “Mind if I cut in?”

  Casper and I looked over to see Luke smiling at us. I felt Casper tense for a second, but he’d stepped back and let me go before I could say anything. Luke caught my arm before I fell over and I threw Casper a glare.

  “Have at it, Holt,” Casper said and I was sure I was the only one who noticed how icy his voice was behind that sugary smile.

  And, his green eyes were no less icy. He gave a curt nod and headed in the direction of that Megan girl. Wondering at his weirdness, I turned to Luke and gave him a smile as we put our arms around each other.

  “So, Hannah’s not here tonight?” I asked.

  He gave me his adorably rueful smile. “Nah, she couldn’t make it tonight.”

  I nodded; that explained the lack of me being stabbed in the back.

  Okay, that was quite possibly a little harsh. But, let’s be honest; if you were dating Luke Holt and he was dancing with another girl, you’d get a little territorial too. Because, Luke was amazing, plain and simple. He was nice, he was hot, he was smart, he was funny…

  He was Luke.

  “So…” he started. “That was pretty impressive.”

  “What was?” I asked.

  “You and Drake. That was…” He breathed out. “It just makes me think, you know…”

  “What?”