January Embers

by Hildred Billings

  They had been kids. Back then, Mikaiya only understood the concept of running the hell away from the dangers lurking in every corner. There were no consequences. Only getting the hell out of Dodge before the grim reaper brought his threats to life.

  A shudder ripped through Mikaiya. That was the kind of flashback she did not need so soon after falling on her head.

  “Tell you what, Mik,” Skylar said. “I’ve got the couch all made up for you at home. I’ve been so frazzled since your fall yesterday that I’ve totally abandoned my job search. I need to get back to it. So how about we hang out in your grandma’s living room and watch some Netflix? No chill.” She flashed Mikaiya a smile. “Only because you’re in such a delicate position. Also, I’ve been meaning to rewatch the last season of ‘Orange is the New Black.’ You can help fill me in on some things. Make sure your head is working right.”

  Mikaiya rolled her eyes. She didn’t know if it was the bump on her head or the bad memories tracing their paths down the bridge of her nose that made such a simple act hurt so much.

  Chapter 8

  ARIANA

  “Sometimes I want to write him a letter,” Frankie Nicolauer, the owner and operator of the eponymous Frankie’s Deli smacked the giant hardcover copy of It against her thigh. “Ask him if he’s ever thought about making an official Cliff’s Note version of this book. Because I swear to God I have not slogged through a book this badly since IQ84.”

  A few snickers went around the circle. Ariana looked up from the notes she had scribbled into the composition notebook she used strictly for the biweekly book club at the library. Paradise Valley Public Library loved to tote that they hosted the “biggest” Stephen King book club in Oregon, although that had yet to be proven. Looking around the table in the meeting room, Ari wasn’t sure how true it was. Only six people had shown up that week, although it was better than the three that sometimes cropped up around Christmastime. Ari rarely missed a meeting. Ever since she drowned her misery in Carrie back when she was nursing that broken heart, she had seen Mr. King as the master of all literature. Didn’t matter if she read books she technically liked better, or if he put out a dud that had her scratching her head. Most often, his books were the only ones she made time to read… like when waiting for a call at work. She often gave her coworkers a hard time for not using their downtime wisely, but there she often was, sneaking pages of The Shining when nobody else was looking.

  One of the first things she had written about It, from both memory and from this recent reread, was that she loved how “meaty” it was. Ari was the kind of woman who liked to get lost in her nighttime reads. She liked knowing that there was still plenty of book left to go. Nothing was worse than finishing a book and having nothing to follow it that night. Over the years, Ari had slowly amassed her own hardbound collection of King’s books, but she still often relied on the library, which only had a limited amount of copies for the monthly reads. She didn’t have to worry about It, however. That was one of the first books she purchased at the used book store in Cannon Beach, back when she attended an EMT training camp in the area.

  “I like how long the book is,” Ari said after the laughter had died.

  Book club leader Hesper Chess, also known as everyone’s favorite due-diligence accountant, cleared her throat. “Why don’t we talk about the lines we’ve underlined this month? Kendra, you always have some good ones.”

  Kendra was too busy doodling another rough sketch in her notebook to pay much attention. “Huh?” she said, looking up from what would surely be the next big piece to go into her gallery. “Um…”

  When an uncomfortable silence befell the small group, Ariana looked at her lines, hoping to find something worthy of sharing. Yet for a woman who wasn’t afraid to cough up her opinions, she still struggled to read aloud, like she was back in high school and unable to get through a single page of The Scarlet Letter, while the class snickered around her. Her reading abilities had improved greatly since her early twenties, but she was still self-conscious when reading simple lines she pulled out of a book. It didn’t help that she probably pulled one of the most well-known quotes. Because if there was one thing Ari related to in a book like this one, it had to be a young boy’s crush on another girl.

  “I like the poem Ben wrote about Bev,” she eventually offered to the group. “It’s one of them haikus.” At least she remembered that from high school English class.

  “Yes, it is,” Hesper said. “Do you have it available to read for the rest of us?”

  “I’d rather not, if it’s okay.” Ariana hated that she accompanied that with one of her nervous tics, also known as the ol’ scratching the top of her scalp. “People will think you have lice again if you’re always doing that!” her mother once admonished. Mom wasn’t around any longer, but the warning remained every time Ari scratched her head. “You know how I am about reading out loud.”

  “I think most of us are familiar with it,” Padmini Singh, the owner of the biggest antique shop in town, said. “You can’t scroll for two seconds on Goodreads without seeing someone share it like they’re suddenly the most well-read person in town.”

  Hesper cleared her throat. She was always the prim and proper conductor of this association when given the chance, and boy, did they give her the chance now. The way she straightened her wire-rimmed glasses and adjusted her Harry Potter-themed scarf around her neck was almost adorable. Too bad Ariana never had the balls to ask her out. She doesn’t go for women like me. Ari didn’t go for women who had the potential to make her feel stupid, whether they realized it or not. Her mild attraction to Hesper was purely aesthetical.

  “What do you like about the poem, Ari?”

  “Well, ah…” This time it was Ariana clearing her throat. “It’s a good poem, you know?” Yeah. That sounded super intelligent. Right up there with her winning literary analyses in high school. “I really like the part about Bev’s hair being like ‘January embers.’ At first it’s really literal, ‘cause she has red hair, but when you dig into the description, you realize he picked January for a reason.”

  Everyone around the table gave her a quizzical look. Great. She had to pull more words out of her ass?

  “We don’t associate January with heat, but when you have a nice fire on the coldest nights of the year, you really appreciate it. Bev’s hair is this heat that he is responding to. Bringing him out of the cold.” Ari scratched her head again. “That’s all I’ve got.”

  Everyone but Kendra nodded. She wrinkled her nose before going back to her doodling.

  That’s not the only reason I like that poem. King could’ve called it a fire, a blaze, or a wildfire. Embers was intentional. It had to be. Because embers were the remnant of that passionate fire burning in someone’s heart. Embers meant the fire had quelled, but could easily be stoked back to life with a hand that knew what it was doing. How many times had Ari lit a fire, left the bozos she lived with to keep it alive, and returned to find it almost nothing but ash? All it took was another log, a little stoking, and boom. Fire for another few hours.

  It was a lot like love. Fires couldn’t simply be left to blaze on their own. They had to be tended. Someone had to watch out for it. Couldn’t let it get too crazy or destructive… but also couldn’t let it burn out because nobody was there to keep it alive.

  Then again, she really liked the word ember, and that was all there was to it.

  Ariana kept her mouth shut until the end of the meeting, when Hesper asked them to count votes for February’s pick. Thinking about Mikaiya made Ari suggest Carrie, but she was overruled when Kendra glibly suggested the first book of The Dark Tower. Everyone who didn’t groan empathically put up their hands to vote for it.

  “See you in two weeks?” Hesper asked Ari when most of the group was gone. “By the way, I really liked your contribution with the poem.”

  If Ariana weren’t so rattled by her ex’s reappearance, she would suggest they go over to Heaven’s Café and get a drink to
talk more about it. Yeah, that would be smooth. Way too smooth for me. Even after so much change, Ari still preferred to have women ask her out instead of the other way around. She liked the validation it gave her, although that wasn’t always the healthiest approach. Still, Hesper wasn’t the kind of gal who went around town asking people out. She was more reserved than the typical librarian (and Paradise Valley’s librarian was far from typical,) and Ari wasn’t sure she dated. Hell, was she gay?

  “Thanks.” That was all she said before turning toward the door. “Yeah, I plan on being here in two weeks. See you.” Maybe in two weeks she would have the fortitude to ask Hesper out for coffee. Not even on a date. For coffee.

  Probably not, however. Because the first thing Ariana saw when she emerged from the meeting room was a familiar face that hit her like a truck.

  There Mikaiya was, browsing the New to Paradise Valley shelves toward the front of the library. Her finger was on a donated copy of A Wrinkle in Time. Was that a coincidence? Or did she not recall borrowing Ari’s whole collection when they first started hanging out all those years ago? Ariana no longer owned those books. They had gone into the ether with most of her childhood possessions. Kinda like how she thought of Mikaiya sometimes.

  What should she do? Sneak out? Hold back and wait for Mikaiya to leave? The first one was nearly impossible since there was only one exit, and Mik was right next to it. The other option meant hiding out in the meeting room and hoping there was no one using it soon. Even if Ari chose that option, she risked Mik seeing her through the windows. Nothing private happened in that library. It was a miracle that the bathroom stalls didn’t have windows, too.

  “Hell,” she muttered, her bookbag slipping down her arm. Never before had a Stephen King book weighed so damn much. What’s your problem? She’s only your ex. She doesn’t run this town. Neither do you, but at least everyone likes you well enough. Get over there and act like a mature adult. If you can.

  It didn’t help that Ari kept staring at Mik’s ass. Those skinny jeans sure did look good on her. For a woman who didn’t do anything super athletic anymore – that Ari knew of, anyway – Mikaiya still had a nice ass and semi-muscular legs. Maybe she was a runner. Jessie Main would love to have a running buddy when she wasn’t training on her bicycle. Probably would like to screw her brains out, too.

  Why did Ari narrow her eyes when she thought that? What was that weird sensation stirring in her gut again?

  Jealousy? Fuck, no!

  Ariana Mura was not jealous over the thought of Mikaiya Marcott of all people flirting with, dating, and making merry with other women. Why would she be? This was the stupid git who broke her heart two years ago! The one who came crawling back into town without a warning to anyone. Or at least, with no warning to Ariana, the one woman who needed a warning more than anyone else.

  What did she care if she went on to break someone else’s heart? Not like most of the townspeople didn’t know that “something” happened between them. Even the newbies knew that Abby Marcott’s granddaughter had broken Ari’s heart. Like everyone knew that Ariana used to be a very different person back in high school. Was I really, though? Maybe I’m not so different, after all. What was the point of dressing up the fireplace in a new façade when the same embers from ten years ago quietly cooled deep inside?

  Shame overcame Ariana for a single second. Shame that she might still have unfinished feelings for Mik. Shame that she was clearly attracted to a poem in some random book because it reminded her of those simmering feelings that never really went away. I said so myself. The more you stoke a fire, the more it burns. Ari had always harbored little embers of love and passion for the girl who stomped on her heart without a single explanation. With Mik gone, however, there was no one standing around tending that fire slowly burning out in Ari’s chest.

  Mikaiya was back in town, though. Did that mean the fire was coming back to life?

  No. No, no, no!

  Ari would prove it, too. She’d march out there and act like nothing was up between them. Mik hadn’t noticed her yet, anyway. Ariana totally had the element of surprise. If Mik did see her and decided to do something about it, Ari could play it cool. It was a small town. The last thing Ariana wanted was witnesses – like the librarian on duty - who could say that she saw the two of them freaking each other out like it was prom all over again.

  With her head held high, Ariana sauntered through the library, past the recent acquisitions shelf, and straight toward the door. She should be in her truck within ten seconds. She always got the best parking spot – the one at the far end of the lot, beneath the shade of an oak tree.

  “Ari!”

  So much for the element of surprise. The moment that voice hit her in the back of the head, Ariana froze like a deer trapped in her own truck’s headlights.

  God damnit, what do I do? While Mik didn’t bound out from behind the bookshelf, she was quick to be within Ariana’s line of sight. I can’t blow her off. That could result in a scene that librarian patrons were more than excited to gossip about at the grocery store and in the post office. Ari could hear it now. She’d step into line to mail off a package, and she’d hear half of Paradise Valley whispering and giggling over her presence.

  Yet the thought of facing Mikaiya for some pleasant conversation was so far from possibility that Ariana was probably better off jetting out of the library and revving her truck until it took her far, far away.

  “Hey.”

  Smooth. Really smooth. Ariana had not only acknowledged the ex she was about to coolly walk by, but she had more or less invited her into conversation. Be real. You only want an excuse to stare at her. Mik was dressed down in jeans and a baggy green flannel shirt – real flannel, not that sheer shit city girls got in boutiques. Her hair wasn’t as finely combed as it had been the last few times they encountered one another, and there wasn’t a spot of makeup on her face. No concealer, either. Jesus, that’s a whopper of a pimple. Being back in town did that to a woman, though. Who the hell cared about appearances when everyone knew what you looked like when you were a kid wearing diapers, anyway?

  Whatever shock had been on Mik’s face slowly faded away as she realized it was her turn to speak. Or, Ariana presumed, it was her chance to get away.

  Yet she kept standing there, as if she expected a formal apology.

  “I wanted to thank you.” Well, that worked, too. Mikaiya awkwardly rubbed her arm, the baggy flannel calling attention to the fact she still kept her body in shape. She wasn’t anywhere near as strong as Ariana anymore, but compared to her, Mik had barely undergone the same transformation as her ex. Age and maturity had done a small number, but she was still undeniably Mikaiya, the girl with a killer throwing arm and a smile that could get her a date if she played her cards right down at the bar. (Because in Paradise Valley, every bar was a de facto gay bar.) “I hear that you were one of the EMTs who came when I fell off that ladder the other day.”

  “Yeah, uh…” Ariana sniffed up the courage to say something, anything that might come across as semi-intelligent and totally not related to their past drama. “Wasn’t that only days ago? I didn’t know you were out of the hospital.” That much was true.

  “Doctors didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. Only a nice bump on my head that’s a little sore.” Mik continued to rub her arm. Did she know she was so nervous? Was this Ariana’s chance to say something witty on her way out the door? Yes. Would she take the chance to drop the mic and march out of the library like the eternal badass she wanted to believe she was? No. Her throat was dry. Probably from that tiny wisp of smoke rising from the embers still simmering in her heart.

  “You should still be careful. Sometimes it’s hard to detect a concussion if you don’t have any obvious symptoms.”

  “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” Mik offered a smile that may have been genuine, but Ari was so conditioned to be wary around her ex that she didn’t know what to make of those pearly whites flashing in her direct
ion. “I’ve been taking it easy. Doctor said not to drive for a week, but nothing about going for a walk. I needed some stuff to read, anyway. I saw something about a Stephen King book club today.”

  Ari’s eyes widened. Don’t you dare. Who did she mentally address that to? Mik the interloper? Or herself? Don’t what? Dare to invite her to book club? That wouldn’t be obvious at all. “Yeah, a few of us gather a couple times a month to read a King book. This month’s is It. Everyone got a hankering to read it after the movie came to town.”

  “I didn’t know you were a Stephen King fan.”

  Ariana tried not to wince. “Recent development. That said, I wouldn’t suggest you check out any of his books right now. They tend to be out all the time. Word gets around about a good read, you know.”

  “I see.” Mik turned forty-five degrees, as if she were about to grab a book off the new arrivals’ shelf. “Actually, there was something else I wanted to ask you.”

  If there were conversations going on around them, Ariana no longer heard them. She barely heard the blood pumping in and out of her heart. Am I supposed to hear that? She was an EMT. Shouldn’t she know? “Uh, what?” Although Ariana spoke at her normal volume, she swore her voice boomed across the library, summoning any and all attention to be had. “If it’s about your head, you should ask a doctor. I’m simply an EMT. Not even a paramedic.”

  “No, it’s not about that.”

  “All right.”

  Mikaiya cocked her head. Bemusement? Trepidation? Both swarmed her heart-shaped face that had thinned out since high school. Ari didn’t know it was possible for her to look cuter than she did back then. I wonder what that makes me now. Ariana clamped her lips together before she said something stupid.