Snow Regrets

by M. A. Innes

  He took a long breath and seemed to be forcing his muscles to relax. “You too, Daddy?”

  “Yes.” I pulled the covers back and gave the mattress a pat. “You first. I have to put my pajamas on.”

  He nodded, yawning silently as he climbed in bed. As I pulled the covers around him, he held out one arm for a hug. “One cuddle, Daddy.”

  He wasn’t going to make it through one cuddle, but since that worked for me, I nodded. “Of course.”

  Sitting beside him on the mattress, I kissed his cheek and stroked my fingers over his forehead and eyelids. “That’s my sweet boy.”

  He’d been fighting sleep since the binkie incident on the couch and the tub had only intensified that need. I would’ve worried, but he’d grown less tired during the day as his vacation had gone on and he was even losing the dark circles under his eyes, so I knew all the sleep was good for him.

  In minutes, he was letting out barely audible breathy snores. They were cute and said just how deep he was under. Sneaking away from the bed, I left the small lamp on but turned off the main light and tiptoed out to the living room.

  Making sure I got everything in from the car quietly wasn’t too difficult, but as I laid everything out and started wrapping, I realized how long it had been since I’d done it…he wouldn’t mind if it looked like drunk monkeys wrapped his presents, would he?

  Reminding myself that it was the thought that counted, I worked on getting them all done and somewhat neat looking. My idea for the fake tree was a thousand times easier than wrapping had been. Stringing the lights and tinsel up on the wall in a tree shape was fast and actually looked fairly cute.

  With the presents piled under the almost-tree wall decoration, I cleaned up the mess and headed back to the bedroom. In seconds, I was in pajamas and curled up around Joseph who’d rolled into my arms as soon as I’d stretched out beside him.

  His Daddy radar was impressive.

  No matter where I was, even when he was sleeping, he could find me instantly. It didn’t matter how deep he’d sunk into being little or how distracted he was in a book, he always seemed to be aware of my presence. And since that didn’t seem to drive him crazy, I thought it was a good indication of how things would go when we actually moved in together.

  My last thought before sleep claimed me was that I hoped he liked his toys.

  “Daddy.” Some kind of wiggly monster poked me. “Daddy.”

  It felt like I’d barely fallen asleep, but Joseph…or more likely Joey…was wide awake. “Daddy.”

  Since it seemed like he could say that all day, I rolled over and forced my eyes open. It was light enough outside that it had to be later than I was expecting, but that just made me wonder what time I’d gotten to bed last night.

  I had a feeling wrapping had taken longer than I’d estimated.

  “Yes?” He was grinning ear-to-ear, so I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him down on top of me. “You’ve decided you’re still tired and want to go back to sleep? No problem, I’ll cuddle with you.”

  He giggled and wiggled against me, trying to sit up. “No, Daddy, there’s a surprise.”

  I played dumb. “What kind of surprise? Did you make me a picture?”

  Coffee would be wonderful too.

  He giggled again. “No, we had tired robbers who left stuff instead of taking stuff. Come look.”

  Very tired robbers.

  “Did Santa come?” I kissed his nose and he smiled and nodded. “Show me.”

  It was brisk enough in the cabin that I made him put on socks, and my wiggly boy did not appreciate having to wait. By the time we were out in the living room, he was so excited he looked like he was going to pee in his pants and he was almost bouncing from foot to foot. “Look, Daddy.”

  Okay, they didn’t look completely unfortunate in the light of day.

  “It looks like Santa stopped by last night. I completely forgot it was Christmas.” Which was basically true, so it wasn’t a stretch to make it sound reasonable. “Should we see what he brought you?”

  “Yes.” He dragged me over to the tree and plopped us both down, still beaming with excitement. “Lights, Daddy. Lights.”

  Following the eager command, I plugged the lights in and wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

  He curled into me, hugging me back, and laid his head on my shoulder. “Thank you for all this.”

  Kissing his cheek, I ran my hand over his head. “You’re welcome.”

  I felt his soft breath against my cheek as he seemed to weigh something in his mind. As he sat up, I caressed down his arms and took his hands in mine. He squeezed my fingers and looked at me with loving, tear-rimmed eyes. “You have made this the best Christmas ever.”

  Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I kissed him gently and smiled. “Just don’t look at the wrapping too closely.”

  Joseph let out a quiet laugh and reached up to cup my cheek. “No matter what age I was at or what I was doing, you’ve always made me feel like I mattered to you. First as just a person, now as a lover and as a sub. When I look at you I feel like the most important person in the world. I didn’t realize how lonely and just mentally and physically exhausted I was until you stepped back into my life. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve someone like you, but no matter what happens in the future, I will never regret trusting you and I will never regret loving you.”

  He paused and kissed me gently before curling into my arms. “I love you, Daddy.”

  Kissing his head, I wiped at the tears streaming down my cheeks before hugging him against me. “I love you too, baby.”

  There were so many things I wanted to say, but as I held him close, I stopped trying to find the perfect words and just spoke from my heart. “I will spend the rest of my life loving you. No matter what happens and what paths life takes us down, you will always be the center of my world. My only regret is that it took so long to get to this moment. I will never—”

  He sat up, shaking his head. “No regrets. I wouldn’t change anything, because everything happens for a reason and you’re my reason. I will never regret any hardship that brought us together. You’re my reward for every tough decision I made and I’d do it all again just to make sure I ended up here in your arms.”

  “No regrets, baby.” I kissed him gently. “But no more tackling hardships on your own. From here on out, we tackle everything together.”

  He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tender peck on the lips, smiling. “Well, maybe one regret.”

  “What?” I pulled him onto my lap as he grinned and giggled.

  “Snow regrets.” He wrapped his arms around me. “I think our next vacation needs to be someplace with sun and sand.”

  I laughed. “You, my little popsicle, are finally tired of being cold?”

  “Yes.” He gave me a cute pout as he reached over and dragged the blanket off the couch and wrapped it around us. “I’ll never complain about your money as long as we can take warm vacations.”

  Laughing, I snuggled him close and kissed him gently under our fake Christmas tree. Our love story might not have been the most conventional, but it would be enduring and passionate and I would take that over traditional any day.

  No regrets. Just love.

  Epilogue

  One Month Later

  Forest

  “No, I’m not going to promise that—and if you keep pushing, no spankings for you when you get home from class.” Why he thought he could ever get me to stop bringing home toys and special presents for my boy was one of the biggest questions in my life at the moment.

  Joseph sighed. “I thought we said I had to be good to get more stuffies.”

  And he had been.

  Wrapping my arms around him, I kissed his nose which just made him sigh again. “You have. You’ve been very good for your Daddy and even when you were naughty the other night you took your punishment so well. I was very proud of you.”

  He’d look
ed so cute pouting in the corner.

  But just to distract him, I shrugged and kissed his lips. “But if you don’t want me to bring home any new toys tonight, I’ll restrain myself.”

  Joseph chuckled and snuggled in close. “I’m pretty sure that just means it’s going to be something too big to call a toy.”

  I had the smartest boy ever.

  “You’re going to be late for work.” I gave him another peck and he hugged me tight before stepping away. “Call me if you’re going to be late coming home from the library.”

  In the month since we’d been back from the cabin, so many things had changed. One of the biggest had been Joseph finally taking the plunge and signing up for online college courses. He was only taking one at the moment, but I knew he’d take more next time. My boy was soaking up knowledge like a sponge.

  Just not while studying at the apartment.

  Evidently, I was distracting.

  So until I went back to work full time, he’d decided he was going to study at the local library several nights a week. It was probably the best idea, but I worried when he was out late. Luckily, he just thought that was cute.

  “Every time I’ve gone out to study this week you’ve come home with more stuff.” He glanced over at the bottles and new plates that were in the dish drainer.

  I scoffed. “Those were necessities, not toys.”

  He needed to get his priorities in order.

  “Off to work.” I gave him a perfectly innocent smile as he grabbed his backpack from the table. “I have to get ready for my meeting, so stop distracting me.”

  That had him grinning, but he gave me another quick hug. “You’re going to do great. They’d be stupid not to want you. Just make them work for it and don’t settle for less than you’re worth.”

  His pep talks were so cute.

  “I got a good feel from our phone call, so we’ll see. If I don’t get it, there are other options.” Just because it was a position at one of the top level-one trauma centers in the state didn’t mean it was the only option…it was just the one I wanted.

  Not that I’d told Joseph that.

  He was already worrying that I was limiting myself by only looking at hospitals close by, so I wasn’t going to do anything to stress him out even more. “Now shoo. You’re distracting me with those sexy pants.”

  I was going to end up grabbing his ass and he’d be late to work again if we weren’t careful.

  He just laughed as he headed out the door with a wiggle in his walk that said he was remembering the same incident.

  My wicked boy.

  Once the small apartment was quiet, I finished up my coffee and started getting ready for the day. Contrary to his teasing, I didn’t spend all my time shopping while he was at work. Looking for a new apartment and job hunting took up most of my time.

  He was trying to convince me to hold off the apartment search until I knew where I would work, but since my main goal was to make sure he didn’t have to move far, that seemed like putting off the inevitable.

  We were both trying to put the other first, but I was going to win because he seemed to have forgotten the most important fact. Daddies made the rules.

  But we had all the time in the world as long as I kept finding places to put his new toys…especially the ones from yesterday that were in my trunk. They needed a home before Joseph found them.

  ****

  “Thank you for showing me around. It was great to finally meet you.” The world really was too fucking small.

  Dr. Jones smiled and shook my hand as we stood beside his desk. “And you as well. I know I kept you longer than you probably expected, so I hope I haven’t thrown off your day.”

  “Of course not.” We’d talked around personal things but hadn’t brought up anything specific, so I decided to test the waters. “My partner was grateful that I was going to stay busy today, so he’ll love it. According to him, I’m a nuisance who buys things we don’t need when I’m left to my own devices.”

  Dr. Jones chuckled. “My wife says the same thing. I’m completely banned from the wholesale club store without supervision. Buy one bass boat that’s on sale and they never forgive you.”

  I grinned. “I had to be talked out of a snowmobile last week. It was on sale and would be fun up at the cabin, but Joseph didn’t see it that way.”

  Nodding, Dr. Jones’s smile widened. “I saw those. But we don’t have a good place to use them. Where’s your cabin at?”

  “It’s Joseph’s. It’s about an hour from here. It’s beautiful, but it could stand to have a few toys up there to play with.” He could take that as he wanted, but the place needed all kinds of toys.

  “Sounds perfect. And it sounds like you have a very good reason to bring home a few surprises.” Dr. Jones looked like a man who enjoyed shopping for expensive useless things and driving his wife nuts, but everything he’d said about her made it sound like they had a close relationship.

  I didn’t really care about his personal life, but I wasn’t going to work for anyone who expected the hospital to always come first. I loved medicine, but I loved Joseph more.

  “Exactly what I told him.” I wanted to laugh as Dr. Jones nodded conspiratorially.

  There were plenty of pockets of very old-fashioned thinking in the medical community, but his utter lack of reaction at Joseph’s name had me relaxing. Everything I’d seen so far said the hospital was well run and welcoming, but just because a few nurses had rainbow hair didn’t mean they were completely LGBT friendly.

  “If things work out…” His conspiratorial expression gave every indication that he thought it would. “Then I’m sure you can talk him into it as a reward for landing a new job.”

  Not willing to count my chickens before they hatched, I nodded to acknowledge the hint and smiled. “That would be a much easier sell. He knows how busy I’ll be once I get back to work—his father is in medicine as well—but I’m driving him crazy being home all the time. If I don’t find something soon, he’ll be the one signing me up for another stint abroad.”

  It wasn’t exactly true, but Dr. Jones found it hilarious, so I knew Joseph wouldn’t mind.

  “Is his family local?” Dr. Jones leaned back against his desk. “It’s a surprise to some people how crazy our hours can be. I’ve seen it come between many relationships over the years if there isn’t balance in the work and home life. I was lecturing my daughter and her partner, Anne, just last week on that. They’re working so many hours, they hardly see each other.”

  Then he rolled his eyes. “I’ll never get grandchildren that way.”

  So, accepting of LGBT families but still old-fashioned enough to focus on grandkids? I could deal with that. “I couldn’t agree more. I think the key is being completely present when you’re with your family.”

  “I agree. I’ve seen too many problems when people forget that.” He looked across the room toward his bookshelf and smiled at the picture of a woman I assumed was his wife. “It sounds like you two are going to make it work, though.”

  “I have no doubt about it. Communication is a big part of our relationship.” I thought it was an innocuous statement, but he looked at me questioningly.

  “My daughter and partner say something very similar.” His response was simple, but I had a feeling there was more going on behind his eyes than I would’ve wanted. “I think the timing of your application was very fortuitous. I shouldn’t say this, but I thought I’d picked out our new chief doctor in the emergency room.”

  He took a slow breath, watching me closely. “The only reason the position was still available was because I wasn’t sure the person was going to be a good fit. I pride myself on having an inclusive hospital where every patient and staff member will feel comfortable. Finding well-qualified applicants who have not only the experience and education, but the right sense of comradery is difficult.”

  “I can understand that.” I couldn’t decide how much else to say. Everything I’d read about the hospita
l had talked about its trauma unit and basic statistics. I had a feeling I was missing something.

  “You had an interesting mix of people.” I cracked a smile. “The nurse with the blue hair in particular.”

  She’d been…vibrant and very take-charge. If anyone in the place was in the lifestyle, it was her.

  Dr. Jones beamed.

  It was slightly unnerving because I wasn’t sure why he was so pleased.

  “That’s my daughter’s partner. They’re getting married this spring.”

  Ohhh.

  “Congratulations to them. That’s wonderful.” And it explained a lot. Introducing me around to the nursing staff had seemed a bit premature, but wanting to make sure I fit in with the family made perfect sense. “She seemed to have everything under control.”

  “Yes. She’s highly efficient and very take-charge.” He looked slightly sheepish for a moment before the expression flashed away to be replaced by another smile. “The grapevine will tell you that it took us a while to warm up to each other.”

  Oh, I bet.

  “I’m glad it’s all worked out.” How much to say and how much to leave out? “Working with another take-charge individual like myself will make things much easier.”

  That earned me another beaming smile. “Wonderful. I find take-charge individuals refreshingly productive.”

  Oddest job interview ever.

  He started moving again toward the door. “I won’t take up any more of your time, but just be aware we’re looking to hire immediately.” Then his smile turned a bit knowing. “So I wouldn’t set down your phone anytime soon.”

  Interesting.

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” Then, because I had to know. “It’s not my business, but I’m curious. Who was on your short list? Are they local? I have a feeling if this doesn’t work out I need to know which hospital to avoid.”

  That was a bit presumptive, but I had a feeling the job was mine if I wanted it. And if Dr. Jones hadn’t thought the other candidate would be a good fit for this emergency room, I wasn’t sure I’d want to work with them either if something happened and this job didn’t work out.

  His lips pulled together, giving me the impression he wasn’t pleased with the question, but then in an about-face he nodded and sighed. “Unfortunately, I agree. I would personally avoid Memorial Hospital if I were you. It’s a good institution. Not a level one of course, but still well run. However, the chief of the emergency department is very…well, let’s say he’s not the most open-minded individual.”