Letters from Berlin

by Tania Blanchard

  ‘Sit down at the table and I’ll bring you a few of the biscuits you like. You look like you’re fading away.’ She winked at me and I grinned. In Frau Kraus’s kitchen, the world always looked like a better place.

  * * *

  The morning of my birthday dawned bright and sunny. There was no time to think about anything but the day ahead. Onkel Georg and Leo split their time between the farm work and party duties while Tante Elya revelled in the final preparations. It made me realise how much she enjoyed having a daughter. Together we sampled the various morsels from the kitchen, ensured the glassware sparkled, the flowers were positioned perfectly and that we had ample food and drink – wine, champagne and cognac especially. Then she turned her attention to me. Before I knew it, I was standing before my full-length mirror ready for the evening’s festivities.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ said Tante Elya, standing behind me.

  I stared at my reflection. The blue gown we’d picked together suited my willowy height. The soft pleats of the bodice that gathered above my waist accentuated my bust and fell again below my waist in a flowing long skirt, and the belt cinched at my waist flattered my figure further. My fair hair was left long, curled and styled to a gleaming sheen. The whole effect was of simple elegance, like one of my favourite actresses, Ingrid Bergman.

  ‘You’re just like your mother,’ she said, squeezing my hand. ‘I remember standing with her like this on her nineteenth birthday. It was the night Georg proposed to me…’ She raised the diamond engagement ring on her hand to the mirror and smiled at the memory. ‘Your mother knew he was going to ask me. Although we came from such different backgrounds, we felt like we’d known each other forever… that we were meant to be together.’ I shivered at those words – just like Leo and I. ‘Luckily, my father gave us his blessing and we married. I was never more thankful that my family stayed behind in Germany rather than follow my aunts and uncles across the world to America.’ She glanced around the room. ‘Your mother and I stood together like this again on my wedding day and she reminded me to put my engagement ring on the opposite hand so Georg could place the wedding band on my finger. It’s never been off my hand since. Now Gut Birkenhof has been my home for nearly twenty-five years, we’ve raised two beautiful children and I love him more than ever,’ she said.

  She kissed my hand, grasped in hers. ‘I wish you the happiness I’ve had and I hope one day to stand here with you on your wedding day and see you as blessed as I’ve been. To love that special person is like nothing else in the world. The heart wants what the heart wants and nobody can change that… but I think you already know that.’ I looked at her in surprise, sure she was alluding to Leo and me. Then she gathered me in her arms and hugged me tight. ‘Your mother would be proud of the determined, steadfast young woman you’ve become.’

  ‘I’m blessed to have you as my mother,’ I whispered, blinking away the tears that threatened to ruin my make-up. ‘Thank you for today. I’ll never forget it.’ Elya understood me – how I felt about Leo, and that even the Nazis couldn’t stop me from loving him. If only I could make him understand too.

  ‘Come on,’ she said, patting her own eyes with her handkerchief. ‘It’s time to meet your guests.’

  Despite Tante Elya’s new status, everyone turned up to the party: all our friends and locals from the village, and many of the farm workers too. I thought of Frau Kraus’s advice from the night before and was determined to follow it. The champagne flowed and I found myself feeling light and free, giggling at inane jokes and dancing with my friends to the popular swing music the band played.

  But then I saw Onkel Georg’s Nazi associates drinking and laughing and I remembered why they were here. These men with power to either destroy our family or help us survive. I struggled to remain courteous whenever they approached me and made small talk, wishing me a happy birthday and complimenting me on my dress.

  ‘Happy birthday, Susanna,’ said an older balding man, kissing my hand. He wore his Nazi Party badge on the lapel of his jacket, but his arrogant manner made it clear that he was a senior official. ‘When your uncle told me it was your birthday, I had to come to wish you all the best.’ His gaze was so intense that I felt the colour rise to my face. His eyes wandered down to the neckline of my gown making me decidedly uncomfortable. ‘And I have to say I wasn’t disappointed to meet you,’ he said. ‘You’re beautiful – the image of the perfect German woman.’ His fingers trailed along my arm and lingered a moment. ‘Nineteen is a wonderful age. Ready to experience the joys of adulthood.’ He drew closer, his hand resting on my back lower than it should and he whispered into my ear, the heavy smell of cognac on his breath. ‘And ready to learn from someone experienced.’

  I looked desperately around the terrace for help. To my relief, I caught the eye of Onkel Julius. I hadn’t seen him in years but he had been a fixture in my childhood, a welcome distraction from chores and schoolwork, until he’d taken up a government post in Poland early in the war.

  Suddenly he was at my side. ‘Susie, happy birthday!’ he said warmly, turning me expertly out of the reach of the official and linking his arm with mine. ‘And Kreisleiter Mueller, I thought it was you. What a pleasant surprise.’

  I started at the name. Mueller was the county leader in charge of Berlin’s municipal government. He was a powerful man who held high rank within the Nazi Party. Not a man to upset.

  The kreisleiter’s face filled with annoyance. ‘And who are you?’

  ‘Julius Siebenborn, Ministry of Transport, at your service,’ he said with a small bow.

  ‘And what are you doing here?’ Mueller asked, his face darkening.

  Julius’s smile tightened. ‘What business is that of yours?’

  ‘Anything that goes on in my district is my business.’ He looked around him haughtily, like a king surveying his kingdom. ‘This estate is in my jurisdiction.’

  I could feel the vibration of anger ripple through Onkel Julius. ‘I’m a guest, just as you are, and have every right to be here,’ Julius said tersely. ‘You have no say about what happens on this estate.’ I could see that he was trying to remain contained, his face carefully blank but the muscles of his forearm and hand were taut, as if he was ready for a fight.

  ‘I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you,’ said Mueller smugly, his eyes drifting across to where Tante Elya stood talking with Frau Kraus in the distance, next to the table of cakes and sweets. Then his eyes slid back to me and he grinned lasciviously. A shiver crawled down my spine.

  Julius pushed me behind him and rose to his full height, towering over Mueller. ‘You’ll never have control of Gut Birkenhof or anyone under Georg’s protection as long as we both draw breath. You’re out of your league.’ I squeezed his arm and he glanced quickly at me. The look of horror on my face stopped him and he immediately drew back, the flash of anger gone. ‘Now you must excuse us,’ he said affably. ‘Frau Hecker has asked to see her goddaughter.’ He took hold of my arm and smoothly propelled me away from Mueller, who was red-faced with fury.

  ‘I’m sorry you had to witness that, especially on your birthday,’ Julius whispered apologetically as we moved through the crowd. ‘But men like him think they can do what they like and he went too far.’

  ‘I’m only grateful that you came when you did,’ I said, holding his arm tight in relief and bewilderment.

  ‘Don’t worry.’ He patted my hand reassuringly. ‘Now he’s been put in his place, he won’t come near you again.’ The power play between the two men had shocked me. I had never seen Onkel Julius so angry, but it was evident that Mueller was dangerous and that Julius was prepared to stand up to those who threatened our family.

  I nodded, still shaking a little, but determined not to ruin my birthday and to put our troubles to one side for the night. ‘I didn’t know you were coming tonight. Tante Elya said you were still in Krakau.’ I knew the government that oversaw the German-occupied regions in the east was based in Krakau.

  ‘I’m
back now, just in time for your birthday,’ he said, smiling. He was a little older than when I’d last seen him, the lines around his eyes deeper, the grey noticeable at his temples and flecked through his dark blond hair.

  Maybe it was because Julius was nearly ten years younger than Onkel Georg and a generation closer to Leo and me that he’d always been a favourite visitor, often bringing gifts, playing games with us when we were young and talking to us as equals as we got older. Then he’d joined the Ministry of Transport and his work had taken him all across Europe.

  ‘How long’s it been?’ he continued. ‘You were still in plaits and only up to my chest when I last saw you.’ He grinned. It had been our joke – Onkel Julius had reminded me how I’d grown each time he saw me by measuring my height against him.

  ‘About five years,’ I said. ‘I’ve grown a bit since then.’ I didn’t want to tell him that he’d changed a bit too. He must have been nearing forty now.

  ‘Well,’ he said, looking down, his blue eyes filled with mischief. ‘I think you’ve reached the perfect height. I don’t have to bend down anymore to kiss the top of your head.’

  I laughed. We were on the edge of the terrace now, safely surrounded by other guests, and I leaned against the balustrade, the small white columns solid at my back and the soft evening air refreshing against my face. I sighed as the dreadful incident with Mueller began to fade.

  ‘I must go,’ he said. ‘You’ll be fine now, but promise me you’ll keep away from drunken old men, especially Mueller.’ I nodded, feeling embarrassed. ‘I’d better find Georg,’ he said. ‘We have things to discuss before I head back tonight.’

  ‘You’re not staying?’

  He shook his head regretfully. ‘No, I can’t, but since I’m back in Berlin, I’m sure we’ll see more of each other. It will be just like old times.’ He lifted my hand to his lips. ‘Have a wonderful night,’ he murmured and then turned away. I watched him make his way through the throngs of guests, a man sure of his place in the world.

  Later, after dancing with Onkel Georg, I wandered down the staircase and along the path that wound its way through the garden. A little light-headed from the champagne I’d drunk, and feeling somewhat dissociated from the uneasiness that refused to leave me, I didn’t see the figure on the path in front of me until it was too late, and ran straight into Leo. Even with his black bow tie loose and draped around his neck and the top buttons of his shirt undone, he looked magnificent. His dark locks had rebelled against the restraint of his slick hairstyle and a riot of curls tumbled across his forehead. I couldn’t help reaching up to brush a stray curl out of his eyes.

  ‘Susie! What’re you doing out here all alone?’ he asked in surprise. I just stared at him. ‘Come on. Let’s get you back to the party.’ He threaded his arm through mine.

  ‘No, wait a moment. I just want some quiet, to take this night in.’ I began to shiver.

  ‘Are you cold?’ He frowned. ‘Here, take my jacket.’ He took off his jacket and placed it over my shoulders, the lingering warmth from his body seeping into mine. ‘Have you had a good night?’

  ‘Yes, it’s been lovely…’ I leaned against him, feeling safe again. ‘Apart from an old Nazi official making lewd suggestions to me. I didn’t know what to do,’ I blurted, glad I could tell him anything. Immediately I felt the burden lift.

  ‘What?’ Leo was livid. ‘Did he hurt you?’

  ‘No, it was only talk and Onkel Julius intervened, but the whole situation left me feeling out of sorts.’ I didn’t want to delve into the threats that had been made or my apprehension, not now. Perhaps in the light of day it would seem less disturbing.

  Leo swore, and looked at my face, something unreadable in his eyes. Then he was wrapping his arms around me as if he could protect me with his body. I melted against him, and time seemed to stop, the two of us alone beneath the cherry trees, the lanterns casting a soft glow across the garden.

  I looked up and into his eyes again, recalling Frau Kraus’s advice about taking joy where we found it, and I kissed him on the lips as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

  His lips were soft, his mouth was warm and he responded readily, then he was pulling me closer, his arms tightening around me. I sighed with happiness. The kiss deepened and I lost myself in him; his closeness, his spicy scent, the way the muscles of his back rippled as his hand caressed my waist, the slightly abrasive feel of his chin stubble and the restrained power of the arms holding me.

  Then it was over. Leo pushed me away and held me at arm’s length. ‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ he said roughly. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘No, Leo, I’ve been waiting to kiss you again, ever since that night in the cabin.’ I pulled his hands away and put my arms around his neck. ‘I know you want it too.’ I kissed him again and felt his need, knew he felt the same. This was the best birthday present I could ever ask for. His arm slid lower and all I wanted was to be as close to him as I could. In this moment I knew I’d do anything for him.

  ‘Susie, we can’t. Not here,’ he said, a little breathless, stepping back, eyes darting about to ensure we hadn’t been seen. ‘It’s your birthday and everyone will be wondering where you are.’

  ‘Why do you keep avoiding this situation?’ I whispered in anguish. ‘There’s something between us, admit it.’

  He took my hand and led me deeper into the garden and under the weeping cherry tree. The boughs laden with pink blossoms hung heavy towards the ground like curtains, screening us from the world outside. He turned to me and took me in his arms. ‘I keep avoiding it because I love you and I can’t do anything about it.’ His voice was husky, filled with frustration and despair. ‘You look beautiful tonight.’ His hand trailed along the sleeve of my gown. ‘So alive and radiant… and now that you’re here with me, I don’t know if I can keep my hands off you.’

  My heart was racing but my body softened in his arms. Nobody had told me such things before. It was everything I’d dreamed of hearing from him. It felt powerful and wonderful to be wanted, and loved. He dipped his head to kiss me and pulled me closer.

  Then my hands were inside his shirt, against the wiry hair and fevered skin of his chest, exploring his body. I gasped as his palms grazed my nipples, taut through the fabric of my dress, and then his hands were everywhere like a fiery caress, making me burn with desire. He moved lower, kissing my throat and my breasts reverently, until my body arched towards him, wanting more. His hand moved up the inside of my gown, stroking my thigh and brushing over the sensitive tissue between my legs with a light, feathery touch that made my body ignite. I clung to him as his hand grew bolder, firmer. The world fell away and there was nothing but the growing spark within me that intensified until the fire erupted and I fell limp in his arms.

  ‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined this moment, but this is so much more,’ he murmured against my cheek, ‘but we should stop before it’s too late.’

  I shook my head. ‘We can’t stop now. We belong together.’ I loosened his trousers, surprised at the firmness underneath and marvelled at the exquisite softness of the skin, soft as silk.

  Leo groaned and took my hands, kissing them. ‘We shouldn’t.’

  ‘We should.’ I reached up and kissed him again.

  ‘You’re better off without me,’ he whispered, breaking off the kiss and fastening his trousers once more.

  ‘No, that’s not true.’ I took both his hands, hoping the physical connection would remind him that our bond was stronger than words.

  He shook his head. ‘I’m nothing but trouble for you.’ He pulled his hands free. ‘The day may soon come when it’s dangerous for you to be associated with our family.’

  ‘I’d never abandon you,’ I said fiercely. ‘All I want is to be with you.’

  ‘That’s what I want too, Nightingale.’ He reached for me and held my face in his hands, the longing clear in his voice. ‘But the risk is too high. The most important thing for us and our family now i
s survival. And that means I’ll have to love you from afar.’

  My heart skipped a beat and dropped at the same time.

  ‘We’ll both have to love from afar until we can find a way to be together,’ I whispered, thinking about what Tante Elya had said to me. ‘Because there’ll never be anybody else for me.’

  ‘Susie, where are you?’ I heard Marika call from the path. Leo and I pulled apart in an instant, and I turned to the sound of her voice. When I looked back to Leo, he was gone and I was alone in our magical hideaway. I touched my lips, bruised with kisses, and knew that he loved me. I parted the fragrant curtain and stepped back into reality. But I knew Leo and I belonged to each other and I would cherish this moment under the weeping cherry until the day we could join as one.

  4

  A few weeks later, Marika sat next to me on my lumpy bed in the university dormitory and put her arm around me.

  ‘You can’t lose hope,’ she said as she passed her handkerchief to me. I was a miserable sight, my nose running and my eyes red and streaming with tears. We should have been working on our conversational English and French, but I could only think of Leo.

  ‘I know he loves me but it still hurts to be apart from him like this.’ I blew my nose hard.

  Leo had pointedly avoided all contact with me at home, absenting himself from meals and spending all his time on the property. Tante Elya and Onkel Georg made no comment about Leo’s disappearances but I noticed the meaningful looks between them and wondered what they knew.

  ‘He’s trying to protect you,’ Marika said. ‘It’s difficult and dangerous enough without the way you both feel.’ I’d told her about Onkel Levi’s death in Lemberg. ‘Anyone who knows the both of you can see that you’re meant to be together.’

  ‘What makes you so sure?’ I asked heatedly.

  ‘Because one day I want someone to look at me the way Leo looks at you,’ she said softly.

  I nodded, chastened. Marika had spent many weekends and holidays with me on the estate and knew my family well. She hadn’t been surprised to hear my news about Leo – she’d told me she thought he’d loved me for as long as I’d loved him.