Letters from Berlin

by Tania Blanchard

  After that conversation with her, I tried to bury my head in my studies but I was soon horrified by the news that the Warsaw uprising had been quashed and the ghetto burned to the ground. Thousands of Jewish resisters, and the Polish rebels who had aided them, had died while the remaining inhabitants were sent away to camps. I felt numb to the bone. Naively, I had been filled with hope that the protest would succeed and the people would survive the Nazi oppression. But this was not the world we were living in. Now I was sure those people would never be seen again.

  I had to do something or I would fall into a state of despair. A few days later, I attended a Red Cross meeting at the university. One of the senior nurses I had worked with at Beelitz was there, recruiting nurses to work on the front and at home. We spoke after the meeting.

  ‘The number of wounded soldiers has risen dramatically since Stalingrad,’ she said, packing up her books and pamphlets. ‘Those men returning from the Eastern Front have some terrible stories to tell.’

  ‘I thought you would have seen and heard it all,’ I said, rolling up a poster for her.

  ‘So had I, but…’ She shuddered. ‘They saw men freezing and starving to death. Their uniforms weren’t warm enough and they were reduced to living on meagre rations and horseflesh, or rats when they could get them.’

  I thought of those who had died in Warsaw, their fate still heavy on my heart. So many dead, and for what? ‘Nobody deserves to live and die like that,’ I murmured.

  ‘I agree,’ she said grimly. ‘But don’t say that too loudly. All we can do is help the ones who come back. Why don’t you come back to nursing? Your training at Beelitz will be enough to pass the exam. We could use more like you.’

  I nodded, feeling a sense of relief. I couldn’t help those suffering in the ghettos and camps, but I could work part-time as a nurse and at least do something useful.

  * * *

  That weekend, Tante Elya and I were walking through the village after visiting our housemaid Ida’s elderly mother. She’d been ill with pneumonia and was still bedridden. We’d brought milk and broth and flowers to brighten her room and kept her company until one of her other daughters arrived.

  ‘It feels good to be out of the house,’ said Tante Elya, lifting her head to the morning sun. It was a crisp spring day, but perfect weather for a walk. ‘I’ve been cooped up for weeks now. It’s beginning to drive me crazy. I need to be out talking to people and part of the community.’

  Elya had often visited the elderly and sick, offering assistance where she could, but these days she waited until Leo or I could accompany her because the mood in the village was beginning to change.

  Just then a group of women walked towards us.

  ‘Guten morgen, Frau Hamm,’ said Tante Elya smiling brightly at one of the women.

  Instead of acknowledging Elya, the women simply glared. It was only after they had passed us that we heard their reply.

  ‘Who does she think she is? Bloodsucking Jew.’

  ‘Where’s her Jewish identity now? Not good enough for her to wear? She should be tagged and sent away like the rest of them.’

  Tante Elya stopped walking, rigid with shock.

  ‘Don’t turn around,’ I said urgently. ‘There’s no point responding to insults like that. They’re just ignorant.’ I put my arm around her and propelled her forward. I could feel her shaking.

  ‘I helped look after their babies and children,’ she whispered. ‘I’ve known them for years.’

  It felt like all eyes on the street were on us, waiting for our reaction, waiting for Tante Elya to crumble. I wanted to scream and shout in these people’s faces and remind them of Elya’s generosity.

  Instead I bit my tongue. ‘They’re just afraid, Tante Elya.’

  ‘They hate me.’ She was stricken by the realisation, her face waxy against the pain in her dark eyes.

  ‘No, they’re only reacting to what they’ve been told,’ I said. ‘They don’t know any better. Come on, let’s go home.’ It no longer felt like a nice day for a walk.

  Back at the estate, Tante Elya shut herself in her bedroom. Onkel Georg and Leo were away in Berlin trying to restore the government contracts, so I went down to the kitchen to talk to Frau Kraus. Thankfully she was alone and I could tell her what had happened.

  ‘There’s no excuse for behaviour like that. Everyone knows what she’s done for the community,’ said Frau Kraus, stirring the soup on the stove.

  ‘But what if it goes beyond talk, Frau Kraus? What if someone calls the Gestapo because she’s not wearing the yellow star? I don’t think even Onkel Georg’s connections could stop them from taking her away anymore. Maybe I should leave university and stay home to make sure she’s safe.’

  There were more and more stories of people disappearing – and not just Jewish people. Sometimes people accused of wrongdoing and those the Reich disapproved of just vanished. I lived with the terror that Tante Elya or Leo would be taken away. Every piece of post, or every knock on the door, was handled with trepidation now. At university, when the phone rang for me my stomach knotted in fear. There were whispers that even some people classified as mischlinge had been taken by mistake and had never come back. The Jewish prohibition signs around the city were coming down, too – there was no need for them any longer with barely any Jewish people left in Berlin.

  Frau Kraus banged the wooden spoon on the edge of the pot and turned to me. ‘You’ll do no such thing! And I know they’ll never agree. We’re all so proud of you, schätzchen. Most of us could never even dream of the opportunities you have. Not even your mother or Elya had the chance to go to university. Show them all what you’re capable of. The opportunities you take will give you the power to make a difference. Make something of yourself so you don’t end up a pawn in this war, or just some man’s wife.’

  ‘But I don’t know if that’s realistic anymore, Frau Kraus.’ I pushed a shaking hand through my hair.

  I’d started university with dreams of working at one of the embassies when I was finished my degree, or teaching at the university and maybe becoming a professor one day. I wanted to make a difference, contribute somehow to making the world a better place, where tolerance and peace were fostered rather than hatred and war. I wanted to be amongst people and use my skills and knowledge to help others.

  Women in academia were still discouraged, as were women in male-dominated professions. I knew it would be years before we’d break through that barrier but I could dream. Hanna Reitsch was one of the great aviators in Germany and a woman I admired. She had won countless gliding titles, set world records and was the first woman to fly a helicopter. She now worked as a test pilot for the Luftwaffe. But perhaps my dreams were naïve and childish. The safety of my family was more important than university.

  ‘The world’s turning upside down. If something happens to Tante Elya and I did nothing to prevent it, I’ll never forgive myself.’

  ‘The best way you can help is by being educated,’ Frau Kraus said. ‘She won’t be alone in the village. We’ll make sure of that.’ She left the stove and came to sit beside me squeezing my hand. ‘She’s a woman that you can’t hold down for long. I’ll find things for her to do and a project that will occupy her. She’ll soon be back to thinking of those who are worse off than herself. And you’ll be home each weekend to keep her company and make her smile.’

  I kissed Frau Kraus on the cheek. The relief that I could talk to someone who understood me and could help make sense of the world was enormous. She was always there with a solution or a plan.

  * * *

  Frau Kraus had found some boxes of old clothes that Leo and I had worn as children. Tante Elya sorted the clothing and packaged it for children she knew would benefit in the village, and we agreed I would deliver it to the families most in need. Many were thankful and asked after Tante Elya, but others took the clothes reluctantly and some were even resentful that we had clothes to spare when there were so many who had nothing. I was determined t
o talk to Onkel Georg about the villagers’ change in mood as soon as he got home.

  I was walking back home along the edge of the river, thinking about the fickleness of humanity, when a figure emerged from the yard of one of the holiday cottages that Onkel Georg rented out.

  ‘Hello, Susanna.’ I turned to find the balding Nazi official from my party leaning against the gate post, dressed casually in trousers and an open-collared shirt which strained across his belly.

  ‘Ah, hello, Kreisleiter Mueller. What are you doing here?’ I asked nervously.

  ‘I’m having a few days of rest and recreation, thanks to your uncle,’ he said, walking towards me with a sly smile. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Home,’ I said quickly. ‘Tante Elya’s expecting me.’

  ‘I see. Well, let me walk you home then.’

  ‘I’m sure you have better things to do.’ I couldn’t help the fine tremor in my voice. I wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

  ‘Not at all. What could be better than walking with a beautiful young lady such as you?’ He took my arm firmly in his, and steered me towards the copse of trees by the riverbank. ‘How is your aunt anyway?’ he asked mildly. ‘I hear her status has changed. It must cause some consternation not just within your family, but also in the village. One never knows what will happen next, to someone like her.’

  ‘She’s a good woman, and she hasn’t done anything wrong,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, I know, but still there is that matter of her lineage. You must have heard what happens to those who carry Jewish blood? It’s getting harder to protect your aunt from her fate, even though she’s married to such an upstanding and patriotic German as your uncle.’ He shrugged.

  I couldn’t bear to hear any more. ‘I really need to be getting home,’ I said desperately. ‘They’ll be missing me.’

  ‘Soon, soon,’ he said, his eyes flat and hard. ‘But there might be something I can do to help. Why don’t you join me in my cottage and we can discuss it?’

  ‘I can’t do that.’ I tried to disengage, but he held my arm tight.

  ‘Nobody has to know. You might even find you like it. Then whenever I’m here, you can keep me company for a few hours. Nothing like a little secret, eh?’

  I shook my head, bile rising in my throat. ‘No, stop, please.’

  ‘I’d imagine that your aunt and Leopold will be especially unpopular around here once it’s common knowledge that your uncle’s lost contracts because of them. Soon there’ll be nobody left to protect you. I bet you’ll come running to me then.’ He pushed me up against the trunk of a tree. The night with Leo under the cherry tree flashed through my mind incongruously.

  ‘Let me go!’ I shoved him with all my might, but he thrust me back hard against the tree.

  ‘You may as well bow to the inevitable, my dear,’ he said, sliding his free hand down my throat to my chest and roughly squeezing my breast. ‘I’ll have you one way or the other.’

  ‘Hermann, leave the girl alone,’ interrupted a male voice from the cottage. ‘If you touch her, we’ll have to find somewhere else to stay, and we’ll have better sport with the girls from the village.’

  The kreisleiter’s face darkened. ‘Why do you have to spoil my fun?’ he shouted, shoving me away. ‘You’d better have one ready for me who can last all night.’ He cast his furious gaze at me. ‘And you might not be so lucky next time.’

  Breathing heavily, I stepped back, took one look at the man standing near the cottage, and turned and ran.

  Back home in the safety of the garden, I vomited until there was nothing but bile and then slipped sweaty and shaky up to my bedroom. Onkel Georg and Leo were finally home from Berlin, but I couldn’t face them just yet. I couldn’t get the hard reality of what could have happened to me out of my head. There was nothing anyone could do to soothe my fears. Curling up under my eiderdown, I imagined Leo’s strong arms around me, telling me he would keep me safe from harm, that he would never leave my side.

  Somehow I slept and when I awoke there was a tray of cold food on the table next to my bed. Then I remembered what had happened and shuddered. I had to speak to Onkel Georg about Kreisleiter Mueller, about his threat to Tante Elya and about his advances on me. As much as I felt ashamed and dirty at what he’d done, there was no doubt in my mind that he was a dangerous man and Onkel Georg had to know everything to understand the type of threat this man posed to our family.

  He was in his study, as was his custom after dinner, but I hadn’t expected him to have company.

  ‘Onkel Julius! I didn’t know you were here.’

  ‘He came back with us,’ said Onkel Georg from behind his desk. ‘He’s been an invaluable help yet again.’ Onkel Georg was smiling but I could see the smudges of exhaustion under his eyes. Onkel Julius wore a small frown between his brows, as if he was trying to hide his concern.

  Clearly the business trip hadn’t gone well. If there were no new contracts, there would be no choice but to put off workers. My heart went out to Onkel Georg. He’d worked so hard to avoid this situation, yet here we were all the same.

  ‘We missed you at dinner,’ said Onkel Julius, standing from the armchair. ‘Ida said you were sleeping. Are you well?’

  ‘Yes, just a headache,’ I said, waving my hand in dismissal. ‘I’m fine now. I’m sorry to disturb you, Onkel Georg, but when you have a moment I’d like to talk to you.’

  ‘You can talk to me now,’ he said, eyebrows raised in worry. ‘What’s happened?’ Julius took a couple of steps towards the door. ‘No, Julius, stay. You’re involved in this now. Sit down, both of you,’ he said, nodding at the leather armchairs.

  I sat, clutching the seat of the chair, and told him what had happened with Tante Elya in the village. ‘And I know about the contracts. I want to leave university for a while and stay home with her. Maybe the money from the lease on my family’s Marienwerder property could help with paying the workers for a while instead of going towards my tuition.’ It was all I had to offer. I couldn’t access my inheritance for another two years.

  I watched Onkel Georg’s watery blue eyes, waiting for his reaction. He looked haggard after his trip, his face more lined than usual and I noticed how grey his fair hair had become.

  ‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘We want you to stay at university. Your parents wanted you educated. We’ll manage until I find new contracts. And your aunt will be fine – I’ll make sure she’s always chaperoned when she goes to the village.’

  ‘But what if they come for her on some trumped-up charge from a resentful villager?’

  He grasped my hand across the mahogany desk. ‘They won’t,’ he said darkly. ‘Your aunt’s been through enough persecution in her life and she’s the only one left of her family here in Germany. Our family and home mean everything to her and I won’t have that taken away from her.’ I wanted to believe him, but he looked wretched, haunted by the reality of our situation. It felt like a stone had settled in my belly.

  ‘Your uncle still provides a service to many of the Nazi officials,’ said Onkel Julius quietly. ‘They’ve become accustomed to their comfortable, gentrified lives. They won’t sacrifice that for one woman who causes them no trouble.’

  I thought of the kreisleiter and shook my head. ‘I’m not so sure about that,’ I said slowly. My cheeks burning with embarrassment, I told them everything that had happened with Mueller.

  Onkel Georg turned pale at my words. ‘You could’ve been raped,’ he whispered. An appalled look passed between him and Julius.

  ‘I thought I put a stop to his threats and delusions of grandeur but apparently it wasn’t enough,’ said Julius, his fingers gripping the arms of the chair so that his knuckles were white.

  ‘Conniving piece of filth,’ Onkel Georg growled, beginning to shake with fury. He thumped the table with his fist. ‘The vultures are circling now that we’ve become vulnerable but we will not be preyed upon by the likes of him.’ Whatever else he was going to say died on his lips wh
en he saw my stricken face and he took a deep breath to compose himself. ‘There’s no need to worry about Elya. Everything will be fine. But no more visits to the village on your own,’ he said tightly.

  Relieved, I stood and kissed his cheek, hugging him tight. The smell of cigars was familiar and soothing. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve caused you more trouble.’ As much as I would normally resent the restriction to my freedom, the incidents with Mueller had shaken me and I was reassured by the protective gesture.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ he said, patting my hand affectionately. ‘Now go back to university and make us all proud.’ He sat up straight, ready to take on the world once again. ‘Make sure you see Elya. She was worried about you tonight, but didn’t want to disturb you. Tell her I’ll be a while, I still have matters to discuss with Julius.’

  I left the room, and headed for the kitchen hoping to find Frau Kraus and Tante Elya there, but it was silent and only the warmth from the smouldering fire in the stove offered any comfort.

  Every word that Mueller had said to me about Tante Elya came back to me and I was hit by the gravity of our situation. We couldn’t emigrate and we couldn’t run a successful business. We were at the mercy of the Nazi leadership and, at a moment’s whim, they could decide to destroy our family.

  I slumped to the cold stone floor by the stove and, overwhelmed by my fears, I allowed myself to weep. The dark, silent night seemed to swallow me up and I wished for oblivion.

  The creak of the kitchen door opening and the click of the wall switch, flooding the room with light, startled me out of my morose musings.

  It was Onkel Julius. I sat up, mortified, wiping the tears furiously away. ‘What are you doing down here?’

  ‘I came to make some tea. I don’t sleep well at night.’ He closed the door and dropped to his haunches beside me. ‘What’s wrong?’ He touched my arm. ‘Is it about what happened with Mueller?’ I looked into his face and saw the earnest sincerity in his blue eyes. His brows were knitted with concern.