Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  She stared ahead instead of answering.

  “You and Jace share a bond because of Jared. If other feelings are developing between you, I’ll respect that and step aside.”

  “I have a hard enough time sorting my feelings for you and Jared, why would I throw a third person into the mix?”

  He couldn’t hide his surprise. “I didn’t misread that last kiss? You do have feelings for me.” His voice said he couldn’t quite believe it.

  “At the moment I’m not sure why.”

  Ouch. “I deserve that.” He nodded. “Why’d you run to Jace?”

  “I didn’t exactly seek him out. I bumped into him. He saw my face and asked what was wrong. The conversation took a life of its own after that.”

  “I’m an idiot.”

  “You’re not going to get an argument from me.” She gave a half-smile to cut the bitterness of her words. “I can’t be too hard on you when I tried to set you up with Lauren not long ago.”

  He smiled. “We’re a mess.” He took her hands. “Where do we go from here so we can stop pushing each other toward our friends?”

  “I don’t know.” She bit her lip. “We can’t go back to being just friends.” He looked relieved. “But I’m not ready to let go of Jared yet.”

  Although hard to hear, he appreciated her honesty. “What do you say we take things slowly and explore whatever’s between us?” He squeezed her hand gently. “No titles. No pressure.”

  God, please help her take a chance.

  Shyly she answered, “Okay. I’d like that.”

  They laughed when he leaned over to kiss her at the exact moment Nathaniel loudly stirred from his nap.

  “We’ll celebrate later.” He kissed her cheek, and they turned their attention to a now awake Nate.

  Chapter 14

  “How’s it already been a month since I last saw you?” Eli hugged his sister.

  “That sounds like something mom would say.” She pinched his cheek. “Let me drop my suitcase and we can head down to Reina’s.”

  “You just got here. I can't ask you to do this." Grateful as Eli was, he knew Caroline needed a break.

  "I missed the part where you asked. I volunteered, dearest brother."

  "What happened to you coming here to relax?"

  "I am relaxing. A month free of mom and dad pestering me about what's wrong."

  He raised an eyebrow to indicate they weren't the only ones worried about her.

  She narrowed her eyes. "Can't a girl quit her job and move back from the foreign country she's lived in for years without having a reason? Or without needing to give her family an explanation?"

  He dropped the subject knowing she wouldn't tell him anything more today than she had since coming back home to the states. “I told Reina about your offer. She's grateful but she doesn't want to inconvenience you.”

  Caroline sighed. “Please don’t kill my one altruistic deed for the year.” She didn't let him finish. “Lizzie is not the only sister who can be charitable with her time.”

  Eli frowned. She knew how much he and the rest of her family hated when she painted herself in a selfish light.

  Caroline softened her caustic tone. “Let me make it up to Reina. I wasn’t very friendly to her when we met.”

  Sensing her sincerity, he acquiesced to her request. “But as soon as you want out, say the word and we'll get Reina a visiting nurse from that pamphlet at the hospital.”

  “You don't want that any more than she does.” She looped her arm around his. “Besides, this will give me a chance to get to know my future sister-in-law." She grinned when he shook his head, no longer bothering to tell his family to stop making assumptions. "Let's go tell her the good news."

  "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

  Reina looked at Eli. "I've lost count. Is this the sixth or seventh time you've asked that in the last twenty minutes?"

  Caroline came out of the kitchen carrying an assortment of veggies and dip. "Seventh. And if he keeps standing here, he'll be late for his shift."

  Eli frowned at their amusement at his expense. Sure, he'd been a little overprotective since the accident a few days ago. What man wouldn't? Reina had almost been mowed down by a cab that lost control and jumped the curb. Thankfully, she'd managed to jump the very second before the car would have pinned her to the front of a local bakery. She'd suffered a pretty bad ankle sprain, but by the grace of God, she was still here to roll her eyes at him in exasperation.

  He walked to the nursery. “At least Nate will miss me for the next three days while I'm on duty."

  “I just put him down for his nap." The hushed tone of his sister followed him into the room.

  He approached Nate's crib and watched him sprawled out on his back with an animal print blanket in his grip. Watching Nate sleep peacefully, his heart expanded with a love he had yet to fully understand. Is this the love of a parent? Somewhere in the months watching Nate grow and develop into a happy, clever, imaginative almost-one-year-old, his heart had been captured. He couldn't imagine feeling more like a father to Nate. He whispered goodnight and walked back to the living room to a quietly chatting Reina and Caroline.

  Reina looked up when he entered. He watched her blush while they stared at each other with an intensity that threatened to set him aflame. He and Reina continued their tentative agreement to explore the feelings between them. While that was still fragile, he prayed every day that God would cement the bond of their makeshift family. He longed for the chance to come home to Reina's happy, waiting arms and Nate's bubbly noises without having to return to his apartment and be separated from them. They spent most waking hours together now, but he yearned for the day when they could freely share their nights as well.

  Before he could ask for some time alone with Reina, Caroline excused herself to go up to Eli's to grab her forgotten phone. She was barely out the door when Eli made his way to the couch to sit next to Reina, careful not to disturb her right foot extended and elevated on a stack of pillows.

  She played with her hands and shyly averted her eyes. He saw the anticipation for his kiss dance in her eyes. Her usual reluctance to end their kiss made him—he was almost embarrassed to admit—want to brag to the world. It felt good to know she wanted him as much as he wanted her. She watched him for so long he was tempted to ask if she was okay. Thinking of her earlier count, he bit back the words.

  "I miss you when you're not here," she said when she finally spoke.

  An elephant breakdancing in the middle of the living room would be less shocking to him.

  “It's not like I do a great job of hiding it." At his silence, "Are you sure? I always think I look like a sad puppy when you have to leave, so I try my best not to show it.”

  He let the words wash over him, happy for her admission. And glad to have a better sense of certainty for their future.

  "I didn't know what to think," he answered honestly, wondering how much he could say without much time to delve deeper. "Since we started dating a month ago," He liked the soft, shy smile his words prompted, "you haven't been very expressive about these things." He held her hand. "I didn't want to push you to feel something you weren't ready for."

  "You're not pushing." Her words were quiet, faded by her face focused intently on her lap.

  He moved closer, placed a hand under her chin, and gently raised her face to his. Her eyes invited the kiss that his lips enthusiastically offered. One thing was sure; he would never tire of kissing her. He played with the pressure, alternating between playfully nibbling at her lips and intensely joining their tongues. She responded with an eagerness that matched his own. Physically needing space, he reluctantly ended their connection and dragged himself off the couch. In past relationships, the kiss would have turned to more, but he knew he had to stop before causing them both to violate God's Word.

  Eli watched Reina exhale softly and smile at his dazed expression.

  He walked over and lightly kissed her lips and then dropped a
quick peck on her forehead. "Call you tomorrow.” He headed for the door and opened it just as Caroline returned. Before she could enter, Eli turned back to Reina and mouthed, "I'll miss you, too."

  Reina tried but failed to stem her embarrassment when Caroline gave her a knowing look. She sat on Eli's recently-vacated spot, grinned, and slyly stated, "I'd suggest watching a romantic comedy, but I think you have the romance covered. I'll pick a comedy."

  Hours later, Reina snorted loudly. “I forgot how much I love that movie.”

  Caroline, face red from laughter, clicked the TV off. “Chinese for dinner?”

  Reina looked up from trying to readjust the pillow underneath her ankle. Caroline walked back to the couch to do it for her. “Didn’t we agree I’m playing nursemaid for the next several weeks?”

  Reina didn’t bother arguing. “I can already taste the shrimp and broccoli.” She savored the thought. “Get delivery.”

  “That’s okay. I need the walk.” Caroline pulled up the menu on her phone and clicked Reina’s choice and contemplated her own. “Besides, they won’t deliver dessert and I don’t think I’m the only one chocolate ice cream is calling.”

  “Good thinking.” Reina shifted position on the couch. “Please check on Nate before you leave.”

  “Read my mind.” Caroline placed their order, checked on a still-sleeping Nate, and walked out with the promise of returning soon.

  Caroline returned to find Reina deep in review of the plans for Nate’s first birthday party later in the month.

  “I barely blinked and my child is already turning one.”

  “I imagine you weren’t thinking that far ahead when you brought him home from the hospital.”

  “Not one bit. My sole focus was on keeping him alive.”

  The look on Reina’s face said she wasn’t joking.

  “I was petrified I was going to do something to hurt him. He was so fragile, no smaller than any other newborn, but to me, it felt like he was the tiniest, most breakable thing I’d ever held. I still don’t know why the hospital let me leave with him.”

  “Look at him now.”

  “Thanks to help from friends like Lauren and Eli.”

  “Eli’s a friend again?” Caroline asked, too casually to believe there wasn’t more to the question.

  She did not want to discuss the details of this new relationship with Eli’s sister.

  “We’re friends who are getting to know each other better,” Reina answered. To keep Caroline from probing deeper, she asked, “Will we be discussing your child someday soon?”

  Caroline quickly pulled down the shutter on her emotions, but not fast enough. Reina glimpsed sadness in her spirit.

  Not waiting for her to respond, Reina said, “I’m sorry. Too personal,” before changing to a less touchy subject.

  For the remainder of the month, Reina and Caroline settled into a routine that included staying over the three nights a week that Eli was on duty. They never discussed anything that personal again, but still managed to get to know each other enough to start building a friendship. Reina enjoyed more stories of childhood life in the Cooper household and Caroline’s tales of her awkward first few months as an American living abroad.

  “People say New England winters are depressing, but that constant gray, dreary weather saps your energy.”

  “Obviously you grew to love England to stay so long.”

  “London is a lot like me, moody and snobby on the surface but a hidden gem at its core.” Caroline smiled. “That’s what my Brit friends claimed.”

  Reina chuckled. “I look forward to getting there someday.”

  “Surprised you haven’t already. From what I’ve heard, you and your friend Lauren were world travelers.”

  “We traveled a lot. She still does. She’s actually in London for work this month. Somehow, we never made it there together. Italy was the closest we got.”

  “I love Italy. Florence, and pretty much the entire Tuscan region, is breathtaking. I’m sure I’ll find myself living there someday.”

  “You’re going back abroad?”

  Caroline pondered her question and seemed to drag the answer from someplace far. “I’ll let you know when I know.”

  On the days Eli was off from work, the four of them, and occasionally Jason, spent a lot of time in the apartment in fierce Scrabble competitions. Thus far, Reina held her lead. Thanks to Nate who would come in at just the right moment to snatch tiles off the board like a deranged Cookie Monster.

  On the days when Caroline wanted to give them time alone, she would insist that she and Nate preferred the park to being cooped up with the “adults”.

  While her ankle healed Reina found that her heart was healing as well.

  Chapter 15

  One afternoon that same October month, Reina sent Caroline off to a spa day as a thank you.

  “I wish you could come,” Caroline responded, her bag in hand, ready to walk out the door. “I can already feel myself relaxing on that massage table. Professional hands working out every kink in my shoulders. Ahh so good.”

  “Go, before I steal your spot,” Reina joked.

  “I’m leaving. Good luck coaxing Nate into saying mama.”

  “Your brother insists we don’t need luck. He’s so sure it’s finally going to happen; he’s trying to locate the childhood camera your mom insisted he take back with him after our visit to capture important ‘Nate moments’ as she’d called it.”

  Caroline laughed. “She still doesn’t trust the smartphone cameras.”

  Reina glanced at her phone and shooed Caroline away. “Go, you’ll be late.”

  “I’ll be back for dinner,” Caroline responded and closed the door.

  Reina sat with Nate.

  “Come on, baby. Say it. Ma-ma.” She gently moved his jaw in an up and down motion. Rather than mimic her words, he laughed, finding her attempts to get him to talk quite funny. His laughter drew her own. “Mommy’s so silly.”

  She tickled him while he crawled on the floor. Less of a crawl, more of a supersonic attempt to win an invisible marathon. In the last few weeks, he’d increased his speed and his attempts to stand up on his own. Reina had a few throat-in-heart moments watching him grasp the couch and teeter on the edge of crawling and walking. She vacillated between motherly pride in his independence and a quiet sadness that he was growing up so quickly.

  She hobbled across the room to stand by him as he struggled again to use the couch as the launchpad to his walking freedom. Reina marveled at his determination.

  Plop. He fell.

  Thump. Thump. Her heart responded.

  She readied herself to pick him up and comfort him while he cried, but the tears never came. Amazingly, she watched as he wiggled on the floor straining to recover his stability before taking another go at balancing himself on his stubby legs. Because she wanted so much to help him, she deliberately stepped back. Reluctantly, she agreed with the voice that told her to let him do this on his own. Eli’s voice rang so clear in her head she turned around to see if he was back.

  Plop.

  Thump. Thump.

  Plop.

  Thump. Thump.

  Nate determinedly dusted himself off and tried again. With dogged persistence, he grabbed hold of the couch cushion to steady himself once more.

  Plop.

  Thump. Thump.

  He went to try again but was momentarily distracted by the sound of a key turning in the door. Reina looked over her shoulder to find herself staring into a camera. Nate, fascinated by gadgets since birth, reached out his arms to Eli and made a baby noise translated to “I want to hold that toy.”

  Eli plopped himself on the floor next to Nate and directed him with statements such as “Nate, smile for the camera,” “Nate, say hi to Mommy,” “Nate, say cheese!” “Nate, say Ma-ma.”

  For his part, Nate mostly laughed and tried to grab the camera from Eli’s hands.

  “He prefers to be behind the lens,” Eli joked. “Ar
e we switching gears here?” He lifted his chin toward Nate whose focus had returned to his original task.

  “He’s decided that walking is better than saying mama.” She shrugged.

  “We’ll capture whatever he does for posterity.” He aimed the camera back at Nate.

  Plop.

  Thump. Thump.

  “How many falls has he taken?”

  “Too many for my heart to keep up with.” She balled her fists. “Part of me wants to make him stop trying—just for now—but what kind of mother encourages her child to be a quitter?”

  “Hmm...” He turned back to Nate. “At least he’s not crying.”

  “Stubbornly holding it back, I’m thinking.”

  “He is his mother’s child.”

  She chucked a small, decorative pillow at his back.

  He turned the camera to her. “Wave hello to the nice judge who’s going to give you time for assault.”

  She waved, laughing.

  They turned back to Nate as he scrambled off the floor. He crawled slowly towards the couch’s edge, sat for a moment, and looked thoughtfully around as if examining exactly how the couch was going to help him in his goal. Slowly, he put his right hand first on the couch and closed his fist around whatever fabric he could grasp. He shifted his bottom closer and used that hold to help him with his latest attempt to walk. He unsteadily pulled himself onto his right knee. When it looked like he was about to fall again, Reina did not have the heart to let it happen. She stepped forward just as Eli gently pulled her back, shaking his head. He’d read her thoughts.

  Frowning, she reluctantly held off.

  Fortunately, Nate steadied himself enough to now have both hands grasping the couch. Before she could jump for joy at what was about to happen, he shakily kneeled on both legs, raised his left leg to stand, then his right. Preparing herself for the plop, she beamed when it did not come. Her eyes misted as she watched her son standing. As if not satisfied, he put his right foot out, followed by his left, and took a step that put him farther away from the couch. Her mother-heart danced with pride. Reina expected to burst with joy at any moment. She didn’t think it possible to be any happier. She was proven wrong when she watched her son let go of his hold on the couch and took one, two, three steps on his own before plopping on the floor.