Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  She heard Eli ecstatically announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a walker!”

  She hurried to Nate and crushed him in a hug, oblivious to a smiling Eli lovingly capturing the scene on film. Reina shared words of encouragement and love with Nate that Eli echoed.

  She waved Eli over and grabbed the camera from his hand. “Mr. Cooper, would you like to say a few words to commemorate this momentous occasion?” She playfully interviewed him. He watched them both with an expression so tender she wanted to cry.

  He said simply, “I’m very proud of you, Nate.”

  And wouldn’t you know Reina’s cheeks were already tear-stained. Eli hugged Nate and leaned over and kissed her. She knew she wouldn’t need a camera to help her remember this day. Since they’d started dating, Reina’s awareness of Eli increased more than she thought possible. She sensed his presence before he spoke and felt his absence acutely.

  Today she realized she loved Eli. She was in love with him. She loved him deeply and wanted the three of them to be a family in the true sense of the word. The knowledge enveloped her with warmth, at first. Then, as if someone had unexpectedly ripped a Band-Aid off a fresh wound, she was slammed by an attack of pain.

  Because she ached for this dream so intensely, she decided it was time to end things between them. He couldn’t be her husband. He couldn’t be Nate’s father. Jared already owned those titles. She’d been so wrapped up in her joy, she’d forgotten that. Worse, she hadn’t wanted to remember. She’d wanted to pretend that she, Eli, and Nate had always been a happy, loving family. She tasted bile at her betrayal of Jared. She betrayed her husband.

  As if sensing her thoughts, Eli scrutinized her. She barely held his gaze as she whispered, “Nothing.”

  She shook the sadness away and smiled before Eli had a chance to examine deeper.

  Nate’s birthday party some days later gave her the excuse she needed to stay too busy to spend any more time alone with Eli. Now that she was back on her feet, she took advantage of it to avoid him.

  Before they left for the park on the day of Nate’s party, Eli caught her as she was making her escape and said, “We should talk.”

  She agreed and rushed to catch up with Caroline and Nate.

  Leave it to Lauren to come to a children’s party—at the park no less—in stilettos. Reina watched Lauren, who sat on the grass with Nate on her lap, ready to lead the sing-a-long with the five other children and their parents.

  She smiled at the kids laughing and clapping as the adults around the circle wrapped up an off-key, barely recognizable version of Itsy Bitsy Spider. Nate’s first birthday was going according to plan. He was cheerfully singing his baby version of his godmother’s words. She was grateful for the joyful child God had given her and looked forward to seeing the man he would become. Your dad would have been over the moon. It hurt to think of Jared missing another milestone.

  “Great singing,” Reina said to an approaching Lauren, who carried Nate. She watched as the parents got up, diaper bags in hands.

  “I rushed from the airport not to miss my godson’s first birthday and this is the thanks I get.” Lauren pretended to be offended.

  Reina laughed. “Give me my child so you don’t fall over with him in those shoes.”

  “Toppling in heels is for amateurs,” Lauren answered and held on to Nate.

  “You look like you were born with those heels attached to your feet.” Caroline entered the conversation, smiling.

  She and Lauren had immediately hit it off upon meeting, bonded by Lauren’s gratitude and their shared love of London.

  She had told Caroline “Thank you for taking care of my family when I couldn’t be there. Bonus points because I know how cranky that one,” she’d pointed at Reina, “is when she has to rely on anyone for help.”

  “Where are Eli and Jason with the food? The Natives are getting restless.” Lauren pointed to the parents who had changed diapers and now sat waiting to feed their children.

  Reina laughed as she remembered Jason asking why she had to feed the parents, too.

  “We’re here.” Eli spoke from behind her. Her heart somersaulted in recognition. She’d been trying to get her heart to stop reacting that way to him. The more she tried, the less she was successful.

  He and Jason carried multiple bags from the nearby Italian place catering Nate’s party. They sat the bags down on the large blanket she’d set out. With their help, she quickly laid out the spread of sandwiches, chips, veggies, and drinks to satisfy every dietary requirement on her guest list. She finished setting up and invited each parent to come individually while the others watched their kids.

  By the time the party favors were handed out, the parents and kids said their goodbyes, and the cleanup was done, Reina and team were happy but exhausted.

  “What does a one-year-old need with a party anyway?” Jason asked again.

  “Probably nothing, but he did have a great time,” Reina responded. “And so did the adults. I seem to remember a certain officer dancing to a catchy cartoon tune.”

  They all pretended not to look at Jason.

  “It was a good song.”

  They laughed.

  The group helped Reina bring the remaining items back to her apartment and Jason and Lauren said their goodbyes.

  Caroline packed up her makeup case and grabbed the remaining items from Reina’s apartment. “I think I have everything.”

  Eli hugged his sister. “Stop being so stubborn.”

  She pinched his cheek. “My cab is waiting and so is my flight.”

  “My offer to drive still stands.”

  She hugged him goodbye. “Stop being such a big brother.” She pointed to Nate nodding off in Reina’s arms. “No more arguing. Go get Nate settled in.”

  “Thank you again for everything,” Reina said to Caroline as Eli opened the door. “You’re welcome back anytime.”

  Eli followed and hugged Caroline goodbye. “Text when you land.”

  “Love you!” she answered.

  An hour after settling Nate down for the night Reina and Eli sat around the living room floor relaxing and chatting.

  Her phone buzzed, breaking the contact.

  “Look at this.” Reina held up her phone with Lauren’s text.

  “I know my mother flooded us with pictures of the three of us from our visit, but this one is my favorite.”

  “It’s the only one where Nate stayed focused long enough to show his face.”

  “Had nothing to do with Jason waving a piece of cake at him while Lauren took the picture.”

  “Nothing at all.”

  She treasured this family they’d formed. Her stomach twisted in painful knots at the thought of tearing it apart. What other choice did she have? Her body constricted with tension and shame. Over the last month, when she and Eli had officially started dating, she’d stopped focusing on Jared every day. He was never gone from her thoughts, but she wasn’t consumed with a frantic need to remember every detail about him and their life together. The shame and guilt bubbled deep in her spirit. If she didn’t keep his memory alive, who would? She’d allowed her joy with Eli to overshadow her hurt at losing Jared. How could she so quickly forget the man who’d owned her heart for so many years? Although she missed him—especially today—she’d been content earlier to see Nate in Eli’s arms as he tried to blow out his birthday cake. Not only was she letting Eli take Jared’s place in her heart, now she was happy giving him Jared’s son. What kind of wife would do such a thing? Reina knew she had to end things with Eli and go back to mourning her husband. That’s the least Jared deserved from her. But today, just for today, she wanted them both to enjoy these remaining hours before she had to tear them apart.

  She locked the hurt away for now and took a breath to guide her heart to relax.

  "Movie?" she asked him.

  "My turn to pick?" He'd switched turns with her two weeks ago when a must-see romantic comedy was released.

  "I'll give you
two extra turns." She'd bargained, charming him, knowing he was only agreeing to the sappy movie to please her.

  "I sense something with lots of action in your future," he'd responded, knowing it wasn’t a fair exchange when she loved those action flicks more than he did.

  Today, they settled on a newly released drama about a mother forced to send her seven-year-old to live in a foreign country for the sake of a better life. They nestled on the couch, close enough for Eli to wrap his arms around her. He looked delighted but surprised when she snuggled closer. Not that she blamed him when she’d been pulling away and then coming back, unsure whether to run to him or from him.

  About two-and-a-half hours later, he handed her a tissue as she wiped tears with her t-shirt. She snorted a laugh when he brought a roll of paper towels from the kitchen in addition to the box of almost-full tissues.

  "I'm such a baby when it comes to these tug-your-heart-strings stories."

  He only smiled.

  "Why I don't get invited to focus groups for these types of movies is beyond me."

  "They know they already have you. Me on the other hand..."

  "Don't even go there, buster. I heard a few sniffs that did not come from me."

  "Allergies." He winked at her.

  Reina looked over at Eli quietly and intently, as if committing to memory his very DNA.

  He drew closer and kissed her—and she responded.

  Chapter 16

  "I still can’t believe that arrangement worked out so well." Reina offered him a soda which he turned down. "I had my reservations. Caroline wasn’t the most approachable person when we first met. Surprisingly, she’s more open and friendly than that wall she's erected would have you believe."

  Eli nodded in agreement with her characterization of Caroline's defense mechanism. "I wish I knew what's gotten her like this."

  "Heartbreak, maybe?"

  "Maybe." He shrugged. "I don't see how. From what I know she's the one who broke things off with Logan to take that opportunity in London."

  "Just because you do the breaking up doesn't mean your heart doesn't end up as broken."

  "Was that how you felt when you banned Jared from your life?"

  She gave a faint smile. "He wasn’t technically mine to break up with, so we're not comparing apples to apples. But you get the gist. I pushed him out of my life, but I hurt just as deeply as he did."

  He looked pensive. "Maybe that's the case with Caroline but she closed that topic long ago." He shook his head. "She was never keen on her family knowing the details of her love life." He gave a short laugh. "Something about us not knowing when to butt out."

  "Imagine that."

  "Other than thinking of ways to mend my sister's broken heart, what else is going on in that head of yours?" He tried to keep the tone light but heard the uneasiness as it crept into his words. Despite yesterday’s closeness, he still felt her pulling away. And he didn’t know how to stop it.

  After they visited his parents, they'd agreed to stop fighting what was between them and just explore it. Things were going well so far, or so he’d thought. She'd been freer with her feelings toward him, lulling him to believe this new relationship had staying power. He'd been taking things slowly, fearful of scaring her away with his true feelings. For him there was no turning back, he was in love with her. His eyes zeroed in on the wedding band still adorning her finger. She still had to work through her feelings for Jared. She'll take it off when she’s ready. That's what you're hoping, his inner voice whispered. What if she's never ready? He needed a new inner voice.

  His insensitive inner voice mocked him some more as she remained quiet. Eli shook himself free of his thoughts. They had to talk. It didn’t make sense to remain in this limbo.

  Taking a chance, he jumped in.

  "I love you." He allowed the words to take the stroll from his heart to her ears and then to her heart. Eli stepped closer to face her. He repeated the statement with more precision, noticing the wide-eyed response as each word sunk in. "I. Love. You."

  She responded with an almost-quiet gasp.

  "My first mistake was letting myself see you smile."

  He saw her puzzled expression.

  "I just have to watch you smile if I ever need a reminder of God’s appreciation for beauty.”

  She continued to stare at him. He was mesmerized by the painfully tender expression on her face.

  “I love your smile because it starts deep within your spirit. It promises that everything will be okay despite getting stuck in a downpour without an umbrella, missing a train by just a minute, or accidentally dropping the last bite of your cookies and cream ice cream on the hottest day of the summer."

  Shadows of emotions crossed her face. They changed rapidly from shock to fear to cautious awe and just a hint of longing to accept. He sensed some part of her wanted to reach out in joyful acceptance of his declaration and to reciprocate the feelings. At least his heart was telling him so. Not a reliable source when it had so much at stake. His heart was too hopeful to impartially judge her thoughts.

  "I don't want an answer from you right now."

  The look of surprise lingered.

  “It’s not fair of me to drop this on you with no warning. Especially when I promised we’d take things slowly.”

  He paused in case she wanted to respond. She looked as if she was ready to speak, but her voice did not follow.

  “Something felt different in that kiss at Lizzie’s party. Almost like you’d given me a part of yourself you’d been holding back.”

  “Something was different.”

  “I’m glad it was obvious to both of us.”

  Eli waited for Reina to elaborate. And wished she hadn’t when she finally did.

  “That kiss confirmed that I don’t have it in me to love you as you need.”

  If he tried hard enough, he could probably think of things that, in theory, hurt more than her statement. But right now, none came to mind.

  Who would have guessed that an adage like “getting your heart trampled on” could feel so literal?

  “I don’t have room in my heart to love anyone else again.”

  “You don’t have room, or you won’t make room?”

  She rushed to respond but his face gave her pause. He wouldn’t let her lie to herself or him.

  She sagged against the wall, shoulders slumped. “I lost my heart when Jared died. You want me to go search for it again to take a chance on you. But you run into burning buildings. Jared chased bullets. Where’s the guarantee you’ll be around any longer than he was?”

  Eli heard the fear and he wished with everything he could take it away. "We don't know how long anyone will live. We trust God. He’s our guarantee.”

  “Trust Him to take you away like He did Jared? No thank you.”

  “You’d rather live in pain than take a chance at a happier, brighter future?”

  “At least I know this pain.”

  “Something tells me Jared wouldn’t want you to stay in this prison you’ve placed yourself.”

  “It’s easy for you to trivialize when you’ve never been in love.”

  She should have slapped him instead. Realizing her insensitivity, she tried to apologize but he shook his head no.

  “You’re right. I don’t know love as you do.”

  “I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

  “It’s true. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love with someone for as many years as you’ve loved Jared.”

  “It’s not a contest.”

  “It’s not. But I understand.” His eyes conveyed his empathy. “Rei, your husband, your childhood love, was violently ripped from you. I get why you wouldn’t want to open up your heart again.”

  She remained quiet.

  “What I do know is how it feels to be in love for the first time in my life and to watch the possibility of a future slip away before I even have a chance to know it’s falling.”

  “I’m sorry I let you believ
e there was a chance.”

  “I’m sorry you won’t let yourself see there is.”

  She ended their standstill. “It’s better if we don’t see each other anymore.”

  “You can’t mean that.”

  “How do we go back to spending time together as just friends knowing you want more?”

  Though her words made sense, it broke his heart to hear them.

  “What about Nate?” Eli wondered aloud, steadying himself for yet another blow.

  “I’d never keep you from seeing him, but I don’t want to confuse him about who his father is.”

  The narrowing of his eyes was his only response.

  Reina cleared her throat to steady her shaky voice. “I take full responsibility for starting the confusion.” He didn’t respond, so she continued. “I’m the one who had you in his life practically every day since we met…with good reason, of course. You were amazing in helping bring him home and you’ve been wonderful to him.”

  She stopped and the silence stretched on.

  Eli prayed for the wisdom not to say something they’d both come to regret.

  His heart told him she was running away. He’d made a dent in her protective armor that had her running scared. If she was acting out of fear, there was still hope for them. It meant somehow he affected her heart—at least a little. But he wasn’t about to make himself see what he wanted to see. He refocused himself. He had to take her words at face value and stop imagining underlying reasons that did not exist.

  She’s breaking up with you because her heart still belongs and will always belong to Jared. She’s told you as much. The sooner you come to terms with it, the better off all will be.