Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  Eli saw her struggle and couldn’t help the gut instinct to ease her pain.

  He knew she didn’t mean to hurt him. In words and actions, she’d told him time and again who held her heart. He’d managed to talk her into giving them a chance, but she’d made no promise that she would ever truly be ready to move on. No promise for a future. That’s the chance he’d taken knowing the reward of her love eclipsed the risk of his broken heart. Even facing the heartbreak, he would have taken the same chance again.

  “You’re his mother and I can’t make any claim on him but know that I love Nate and I love you. You said yourself I’ve been good for him. Please don’t take him away from me, too.”

  She looked ready to argue but he didn’t give her a chance.

  “I’m not trying to replace Jared.”

  His conscience questioned that statement’s truth.

  “I don’t want to replace him, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hoping…”

  He hesitated, wondering if it was worth bringing up. Even facing more rejection, it was time to get everything out in the open. If she walked away after his proposal, at least he’d know nothing was left unsaid.

  “Wanting to be a family with you and Nate doesn’t mean I want to remove Jared from your lives.”

  “A family.” She spoke to herself as if tasting the words.

  He gave her time to play with the word in her head and heart. Let is simmer. When it felt like she had chewed on it, he added the rest for her to swallow and digest. “I love you, Rei. I love the way you care for Nate. The way you protect him but still give him the freedom to fall. I love your randomness.” He smiled. “I love how you can start a topic on politics that somehow ties back to an episode of a kid show you watched with Nate.” She offered him a faint smile in return. “I love that when your friends hurt, you hurt. I love how it means so much to you when I succeed at the smallest thing.”

  He thought back to her making a fuss when a local elementary school had presented his firehouse with a Good Samaritan award for saving their class pet. She’d insisted on framing and hanging the homemade certificate they’d given to each of the firefighters.

  “I love you and Nate and haven’t stopped thanking God every day for you both since you came into my life.” He caressed her face tenderly. So soft it was a flutter in place of the touch.

  He could see Reina holding her breath. In fear of what else he had to say? Reina looked like she was battling herself. That an argument was going on between her mind and her heart. Selfishly he was quietly cheering on whichever one was pleading his case.

  As if a decision was made, she stepped away from his touch.

  His crestfallen face must have jarred her feelings. She raised her hand, as if ready to comfort him, only to quickly drop it. Instead, she focused her attention on the wedding band. As if drawing strength from it for whatever she had to do next.

  Sensing she was ready to close the door on their future, Eli closed the physical space she’d put between them, took her hands, and finished with the only words he had left. “Rei, the thought of you and Nate not in my life fill me with more sadness than I ever imagined possible.” She watched the manifestation of his words on his face. “Please don’t take away this family that we’ve made. I love you. I love Nate. If you let me, I’ll make you both very happy. I’ll love Nate as my son, but he can call me whatever you’d like.” He worried those words would end whatever remaining chance he had. He’d gone too far to turn back now. “It only matters that you’re both in my life.”

  His kiss caught her by surprise. A kiss that savored time. Lazy. Slow. Purposeful. A kiss that made no apologies for the unhurried exploration of her mouth. He kissed her like a man sure of a loss to come. A man needing to savor his last chance at happiness. When at last he drew his lips away from hers, his gaze pleaded his request before he quietly said, “Marry me. Please.”

  Reina’s inner conflict played out on her face. He saw her mouth move to form a yes before she bit down on her lips. She again raised her hand in a gesture to caress his face but stepped back further before letting herself. As if the physical distance would give her the courage to hurt them both by ending things between them once and for all.

  Eli studied her with such profound disbelief knowing the answer to come.

  She raised her left hand to his attention. “How could I possibly marry you when I’m already spoken for?”

  At her words and action, he pulled the shutters on his emotions and stood behind an impassive wall. He nodded and walked out of her apartment and her life.

  Reina wanted to run after him to declare her true feelings but stood paralyzed by fear. She scolded herself. It was done. Now she and Nate could go back to living their lives honoring Jared’s memory. Everything would go back to normal. The way they were before Eli’s presence disrupted their lives and caused her to question her heart.

  “Planning to ever share what went down between you and Reina?” If past behavior truly was the best predictor of future behavior, Jason was prepared for Eli to brush off the question.

  “Are you going to play or waste the court time nagging?”

  Jason smiled inwardly. Guess there’s truth to that after all.

  In response, he pushed past Eli for the layup careful to avoid the foul Eli was spoiling to call. Once done, Jason bounced the ball to Eli to signal the end of their half-hour game. Feeling the residual effects of his shooting, he’d reluctantly agreed on a time cap whenever his body couldn’t push past the pain. Today was one of those days. He hated his new physical limitations.

  Eli packed his gym bag and asked, “You still hanging tonight?”

  “Yeah. Let me go home and shower. Order for delivery ‘round six.”

  “Fight doesn’t start till eight so no hurry.”

  They exited the gym together. Before parting ways, Jason finished his earlier thought.

  “Look, you know I’m the last person to talk feelings,” He grimaced, “but whatever’s up with you and Reina’s got you in a nasty funk.”

  “It’s no big deal.”

  “You’re snapping at folks left and right. The next person you snap at won’t be as nice as me. I’m trying to keep you from getting punched in the face…and from me having to jump in.”

  “Like we didn’t leave our hot-head days behind in college. I’ll keep my attitude in check.”

  “Yeah. Good luck with that.” Jason exited on that note, leaving Eli to consider his words.

  Had he been that unbearable the last few weeks? He’d been trying his best to deal with Reina rejecting him yet again. While he thought he’d had it under control, clearly everyone else around him thought differently. Just last week his Chief had called him into his office to give a speech that mirrored Jason’s.

  I’m sorry I’ve been so angry, God. He chose to walk back to his apartment instead of hopping the subway, hoping the walk would clear his head. A head that was occupied with Reina’s words of rejection. I thought for sure Reina was where You were leading me, God. Was I just seeing what I wanted? How could it be? It’s not like I wanted to be with her when we first met. Correction. He hadn’t thought he wanted her. I’m done here, Lord. I don’t know where to go anymore. I took a chance and crashed and burned. He thought back to the changes in him the last eleven months and reconsidered. If nothing else comes out of this, You’ve shown me I can be a husband and father with Your help. He laughed to himself. A dry sound devoid of humor. I need Your help now to accept a life where Reina is not the wife and Nate is not the son. The very thought pricked his heart. If Reina and Nate aren’t it, why’d You show me how amazing life could be with them? The walk did little to make sense of anything. He was as confused now as when he set off an hour ago.

  Eli dropped his gym bag in the entryway. He’d worry about the dirty clothes after a shower. First, he prepared for quiet time with the Lord. He pulled his Bible from the edge of the living room bookcase and left it on the arm of the sofa.

  Eli showered
and dressed in record time, anxious to unburden his soul to the only one who could truly give him peace. It had taken him longer than it likely should have, considering his church upbringing, to really understand the importance of seeking God. The months after coming to Christ, he’d been ravenous to experience the personal relationship with God his parents had spent years encouraging their children to have. Not long after his spiritual commitment, he’d attended a local church service at the invitation of his fellow firefighter Logan, a member. Walking into the church that Sunday had felt distinctly different from all other times he’d attended service. In the past, he attended in body only, but that day his spirit had been present as well.

  James 4:8 Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

  When he’d heard the pastor speak that verse, he’d finally understood. Somewhere inside him he’d longed to ask God to do as one of his mother’s favorite songs said: Draw me close to You, never let me go…help me find the way, bring me back to You. The reason he couldn’t draw near to God for all those years was that his sins kept him away.

  The service that day had been the first time he heard that verse and sang that song and believed that God had cleansed him. His spirit could now fellowship with the Lord. From that point, no matter what was going on in his day, Eli made it a priority to connect with God. There were times like today when he came with a request, but more often than not the quiet hour spent with Christ had only to do with seeking His presence. As the psalmist said, “You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek You; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”

  Eli thanked God for the change in his spirit and continued to lay his burdens down in prayer.

  Chapter 17

  She wasn’t supposed to be this miserable.

  Reina missed Eli every single day of this November month they’d been apart. Unlike the last time they’d parted ways, there was no chance of reuniting. It was clear that despite their best efforts neither could be in a friends-only relationship. He loved her. She loved him. But her heart belonged to Jared. They couldn’t be in each other’s lives as just friends, neither could they be together when he freely gave all his heart while she held part of hers back.

  God, I can’t let go. I had to when Jared pushed me away for my good and then again when he died. If I let Eli take his place, where does that leave him? She remembered Lauren’s words that loving Eli didn’t mean betraying Jared. Then what does it mean, Lord? Do You want me to forget ever loving him? Is that what it means to move on? She felt heavy with worry but didn’t have the time to indulge in the prayer session needed to bring her peace. Lauren and Jason were on their way to pick her up for the next-to-final walkthrough of the venue. Hard to believe the ball is only a few weeks away. She wondered if she’d see Eli. They’d run into each other once or twice the first two weeks after their breakup. Mostly quick hellos. Or superficial chats about the weather if they were both waiting for the elevator. The only sincere conversations centered on Nate and how quickly he was growing. Nate for his part was oblivious to all the tension. Unlike his mother, he wore no mask of pretense in Eli’s presence. He was as joyful and free with his love as he’d ever been. Eli responded in kind. She knew he would. She realized she couldn’t hold her façade in place in his presence and planned her times out of the apartment to coincide with his work hours. She chided herself for being a coward, but it was the only way she knew to handle things for the time being.

  After the New Year, I’ll come up with something more permanent. It might be time to move. She hated the thought, but what choice did she have? They couldn’t keep dealing with the awkwardness of the breakup.

  Her plan to avoid him was working surprisingly well. She was tempted to ask Jason for his whereabouts but what would be the point? Leave well enough alone. You wanted it this way. She needed to start believing this was best for everyone involved. She needed to be okay with her decision. But she couldn’t find the peace about it she wanted.

  God, help me. Did I do what’s right?

  She’d have to wait for the answer.

  “Are you hiding from us?” Lauren asked, not bothering to say hello to Reina who was holding the front door open.

  “Never from Jason.” She hugged him. “Come in. We’ll leave as soon as Mrs. Brathwaite arrives.”

  “Is Nate feeling better?” Lauren asked.

  She’d been checking in with Reina constantly, worried about her godson who’d been running a fever for a few days.

  “Looks that way. The doctor said it was a mild infection and his body is working to regain its strength. He’s sleeping now. The best thing for him.”

  Reina checked in on Nate again then grabbed her purse at the sound of the knock. She heard Lauren greet Mrs. Brathwaite.

  “Thank you so much for watching him,” said Reina. “We should be back in two hours. His ear drops are on the table next to the thermometer. Call me if anything—no matter how small—comes up.”

  “Don’t worry, dear. We’ll be fine.”

  Reina smiled. “I worry more when I try to worry less.”

  Jason looked at his watch. “We’re going to be late. I’m dreading the holiday shopping crowd.”

  “Okay. Okay. Remember to call if anything comes up. Even if you don’t think it’s important.”

  Mrs. Brathwaite reassured her she would.

  “I hate leaving him with a stranger. Even though I’ve interviewed her several times and she’s been vetted by such a reputable agency.”

  “You can’t bring him out while he’s sick,” Jason answered her.

  “Eli’s not a stranger. You could have asked him if you weren’t so stubborn. But that’s what happens when you ban people from your life.” Leave it to Lauren to cut through the nonsense. “You have to stop doing that.” She finished.

  Reina ignored Lauren, refusing to continue engaging her in this same conversation. She had no other ways to explain this was all for the best. So why doesn’t it feel that way?

  “Are your decisions led by the Spirit?” A few murmurs, but mostly silence met the pastor’s question. “Think of the last decision you made. Did you first go to God in prayer to ask what He wanted you to do?” The congregation laughed when the pastor joked “I’d wait for your answers, but tomorrow is a workday.” He continued his sermon by directing the congregation to the 12th and 13th verses of Luke 6.

  One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray and spent the night praying to God. When morning came, He called His disciples to Him and chose twelve of them, whom He also designated apostles.

  “Why do we pray before a decision?” the pastor asked. “To know the will of God.” He answered his question. “If Jesus, who is inarguably the closest person to God, prayed to know God’s will, why do we think we don’t have to?”

  Some in the congregation nodded in agreement, others stayed silent. Most vocalized an Amen. Reina, who sat in the balcony, heard those words as if the pastor sat directly across from her engaged in a conversation over a cup of coffee. Instead of the pastor, it was God probing her, though He already knew the answer. Feeling convicted, Reina didn’t wait for the pastor to finish his message. She bowed her head where she sat and sought God’s forgiveness.

  Father, I’m listening. Thank You for loving me enough to convict me. Forgive me for the way I decided how to move forward with Eli. Instead of seeing the blessing that You sent into my life and Nate’s, I allowed fear and not You to direct me. Father, please forgive me for the way I broke Eli’s heart. I want to know if it’s Your will that Nate and I should build a life with him. If it’s Your will that we should be a family, help me get over my fear about possibly losing him as I lost Jared. And help him forgive me and help us move past the hurt. Also, lead me to forgive myself for thinking I’ve betrayed Jared. Help me accept that I haven’t. Father God, I need You to help me believe I can love Eli and move on with hi
m and still appreciate my time with Jared.

  Reina spoke the words and felt the burden lifted off her heart. She didn’t have the answers she needed yet, but that was okay. She had the peace of knowing God heard her and would eventually answer. In the meantime, she would continue to pray.

  When she walked out of the church that morning pushing Nate’s stroller, she couldn’t contain the song dancing in her heart. Nor did she want to. The joy in her spirit sprung back to life. The joy she’d lost since Jared’s death. The one she had allowed grief, worry, and pain to rob her of. Lord, please don’t ever let that happen again. No matter the outcome with Eli, she wanted to retain that Godly joy.

  Reina stood at the crosswalk and looked around the city with new eyes. Somehow, she’d missed the wreaths adorning the buildings clad in brownstones in deep hues of red. She stretched on her tippy-toes to get a better view of the window display at the clothing boutique across the street. She peeked at the lights wrapped around the trees on each block and couldn’t wait to come back outside later this evening to show Nate their neighborhood all lit up with Christmas spirit.

  She had the renewed hope she’d prayed for last week on Christmas Eve.

  Chapter 18

  Months of planning and now the day had finally arrived. Reina strolled the Grand Promenade slack-jawed with surprise at the transformation.

  The ballroom, with marble columns in gold and cream and ceiling-to-floor windows, twinkled with a curtain of soft icicle lights. On the tables sat large, muted metallic gold pitchers serving as vases for blush pink peony buds and white astilbes. A cluster of rich cream candles at each table cast a glow to polish off the serene effect. She stood near the center table and glided her hands over the silky blushed champagne linen, careful not to scratch the delicate fabric.