Reign or Shine

by H J Welch

  Cas carded his fingers through Matty’s curls until they were dry and Matty’s breathing was heavy and even. Cas wanted to stay so badly, but he’d done his job. Matty was warm and safe, and Cas couldn’t ask any more of him than that. So he began to carefully untangle himself, trying to extract himself from the bed.

  But Matty’s eyes flew open and he grabbed the front of Cas’s hoodie. “Stay,” he rasped sleepily. But there was also a hint of panic in that one word.

  Cas immediately moved back under the covers and allowed Matty to cling to him. “I was going to sleep on the couch,” he said, unable to keep the sorrow from his words. “I figured it was for the best. I don’t want to hurt you any more.”

  Matty shook his head and yawned, blinking as he roused from his almost-sleep. “No, stay,” he repeated. “You didn’t hurt me, not really. It’s just…the way things are.” He rubbed his eyes and met Cas’s gaze. “It’ll hurt more when I leave for good on Monday, so stay here while we can. Please? Oh, unless you want to sleep on the couch-”

  “I don’t,” Cas said emphatically. “I was trying to do right by you and be respectful. But I want you in my arms all night, Matty. I don’t ever want to let you go.”

  God, how he meant that from the bottom of his heart.

  Matty sighed and held on to Cas tightly. “We can just cuddle if you want?” Matty said.

  Cas stroked back a wayward curl and cupped the side of Matty’s jaw, feeling the prickly stubble against his palm. “What do you want, sweetheart?”

  Matty licked his lips, then gently pressed them to Cas’s mouth. The kiss itself was chaste, but Cas still felt like it was potent by Matty initiating any kind of intimacy. “I want to make love,” Matty whispered. “I want to be close to you again, like before. Without the secrets.”

  Shame and guilt threatened to rush through Cas, but Matty’s words weren’t an accusation, they were just honest. And Cas realized that he wanted that, too.

  Matty knew the truth now. He knew that Cas was actually Prince Cassander of Rosavia, second in line to the throne. There was no more deception.

  Being with Matty made Cas feel whole, but now Matty knew everything, Cas was truly himself. The man that Matty had grown to know over the past week, as well as the state figure with a past tied to the entire country. Cas wanted to be vulnerable and naked in every sense of the word for this wonderful man who’d stolen his heart, even if it was for just one last time. They would at least have one night that was completely honest, not an illusion of make-believe.

  “Without the secrets,” Cas repeated, kissing Matty’s mouth again with a little more heat. “I’ll give you everything, I promise.” And he meant it. Everything that was in his power to give was Matty’s.

  He didn’t think he could give him his future, but Cas could give Matty his heart, and that would have to do.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Matty

  Cas’s lips were warm and comforting against Matty’s skin as they made out in bed. He clung to Cas’s solid body, already feeling the awful stress of the day melting away. He’d had a lot of time to think when he’d gotten lost out in the rain.

  He’d felt so stupid, so small. On top of everything that had happened, it had taken him an embarrassingly short amount of time to get completely turned around. He hadn’t even been able to guess the direction of the cabin, and the panic had set in as the sun began to dip beyond the mountains.

  He’d really thought he was going to have to sleep out in the cold and rain.

  And as he’d sat there shivering, feeling frightened and alone, it was as if all the drama and hurt had suddenly cleared from his mind, leaving Matty with what really mattered.

  Cas.

  Yes, Matty’s family was incredibly important to him, and he’d do anything for them. But he’d never been all that good at doing what was right for himself. And whether he’d known it or not, he’d jumped at the first chance he’d gotten to ‘prove’ to himself that what he had with Cas wasn’t real. That – yet again – he was being used by a guy who would dump him at the drop of a hat. Matty suspected he had been so upset because if he expected to be treated badly and got ahead of it, he could maybe somehow control it.

  But there was no controlling his heart. He was in love with Cas. It didn’t matter if that scared the shit out of him. Lost and feeling utterly hopeless out in the forest, he’d been forced to acknowledge to himself that he could be as furious with the situation as he liked. It wouldn’t change the way they felt about each other.

  And Matty could be afraid and run away from that again. Or he could remember the overwhelming relief that had cascaded over him when Cas had stepped into the clearing and come to his rescue.

  It was like Matty was suddenly home.

  Yes, he’d been hurt that Cas had omitted to tell Matty a big part of who he was, but after some time to reflect, Matty could get where Cas was coming from with that. And the harsh truth was, Matty was even more hurt because he wanted Cas to trust him with everything. He didn’t want Cas to feel like Matty would judge him or betray him. Because Matty wanted to do anything for Cas. Like he’d said in the shower, they fit together perfectly and balanced each other out.

  They couldn’t control the outside factors that loomed over Cas’s public life. But it was more than within their power to fix this communication failure between them and mold the kind of relationship they wanted, regardless of the outside world. It didn’t matter if it had no future. Matty wanted his time left with Cas to be authentic, even if it was short-lived.

  And that started right now, here, in this bed.

  “I understand,” he mumbled against Cas’s lips, rubbing his back. They blinked their eyes back open to look at each other.

  “Understand what?” Cas asked with a frown.

  “Why you weren’t totally honest about who you were,” Matty told him bluntly. Cas winced and looked away, but Matty cupped his hand to his cheek and encouraged him to look back at Matty. “I understand why you wanted a vacation from your real life, and why you couldn’t say no to this. To us.” He smiled. “I did the same thing, after all. This isn’t real life. It’s a temporary fantasy. But I wanted it so badly that I pretended it would be okay.”

  Cas’s frown deepened. “You didn’t do anything wrong, though.”

  Matty bit his lip. He’d been so raw with hurt for most of the day, but now that was fading, he found he was better able to see both sides of the coin.

  “Neither did you, not really,” Matty said. “You just didn’t tell the whole truth, and I can see how that would seem okay, especially if no one found out.” Cas opened his mouth, but Matty held up a finger to signal he didn’t need to apologize again. “Sometimes we get movie stars at the theater,” he began to explain, “when they do a play off-Broadway for a while. I mean big celebs. And the way people treat them…” Matty shook his head. “You grow up thinking it would be amazing to be rich and famous. But fans get crazy, invading these people’s privacy, like they actually think they know the actors they’ve seen on screen. Like they have a right, and the actor doesn’t get a choice. And then there are the trashy magazines, the online blogs, whole TV channels dedicated to gossip. They twist every tiny thing these celebrities do for entertainment, forgetting they’re real people. I imagine being a prince is a bit like that, but from birth?”

  Cas bit his lip and glanced away. “Kind of, yeah,” he admitted.

  Matty sighed and rested their foreheads together. They both closed their eyes as their embrace got tighter. “I’m sorry,” Matty said truthfully. “At least people choose to become actors or singers or football players. You were just born into this, and…” He took a deep breath. He’d decided when he was lost out in the rain that if he was going to be honest, he was going to go all the way. “I’m honored you chose me to try and find something real with.”

  Cas laughed and kissed Matty on the lips, his hands clasped around Matty’s face. When their cheeks brushed, Matty felt Cas’s were slightly damp
. “Oh, Matty,” he said heavily. “I don’t know which life is ‘real’ anymore. It’s supposed to be the one back at the palace. But here, with you, that’s what feels real.” Then he laughed again, nuzzling their noses together. “And I didn’t really choose you. From the moment I saw you, it was like I was done for. There wasn’t a choice at all. My heart just knew. ‘Sure thing’ – remember?”

  Matty opened his eyes, glad to see Cas looking at him as well. “Of course I remember,” he said warmly, caressing Cas’s jaw.

  He was getting too hot, so he kicked back the covers, glad there were a few lamps on so they could see each other. He recalled their first night together. They’d been in the dark in more ways than one. But now they’d stepped into the light, Matty never wanted to go back.

  “I know you can’t be with someone like me,” he said, laying his heart on the line. “But I want you to know that if the rules were different, I’d want to be with you. I’d want to try. Despite all our differences and the ocean between us. I…I think I love you, Cas. That’s why it hurt so badly when I thought it was all a game for you. I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  Cas gave a shaky laugh. “Oh, sweetheart. I’ve definitely fallen in love with you. And it scares me to death, because I don’t know what – if anything – we can do about it. But I want to say again that this was never, ever a game. I don’t think I really deserve your forgiveness, but I’m extremely glad to have it.”

  “You do have it, and deserve it,” Matty promised, his heart full of relief and happiness and maybe even the tiniest bit of hope. “I mean it. I understand.”

  And that was it. The air was cleared between them. Matty had made his peace out on that tree stump, but to hear Cas’s sincere apologies and that he returned Matty’s love…well, that was all that mattered for tonight.

  They couldn’t control what tomorrow would bring. But Matty could at least hold on to the smallest dream that this wouldn’t be goodbye forever. It was a million times better to think that Cas would be somewhere in the world thinking of Matty with love and affection, rather than the idea that he might have used Matty for kicks.

  Matty had said all along that he trusted Cas, so he trusted him now.

  This was what was real.

  It was almost like their first time all over again. Even though they’d had sex in every room of Cas’s apartment (and it had been spectacular), there was something different sparking between them tonight. Their lips came together again and again, hands desperately holding on to whatever they could as their bodies moved in sync. Without needing to say anything, Cas’s energy was already shifting as he took charge, pulling off the T-shirt and hoodie he had so tenderly dressed Matty in to warm him up.

  They had a much better way of keeping warm now.

  Matty gasped and writhed as Cas sucked and rubbed his nipples. They were both obviously hard in their loose-fitting sweatpants, and Cas crawled on top of Matty, bumping their cocks together as they rutted groins and pawed at each other with grabby hands.

  It was messy and tangled, and Matty was loving every second of it.

  Cas had tried to be so smooth and polished when they’d met. He’d confessed that their second date had originally been meant to be a fancy dinner at a restaurant and a night at the theater. Matty was so grateful that Cas had changed his mind. On reflection, he’d been as authentic as he could all along. And now they’d been freed from his biggest secret, there was nothing at all between them.

  Literally. Cas made short work of their sweatpants, but he waggled his eyebrows at Matty’s fluffy socks as they pinged off.

  “I should make you keep those on, after the fuss you made,” he growled playfully. Matty’s cock liked that a lot.

  “You could make me do anything, I’m sure,” Matty teased back, grinning as he bit Cas’s earlobe. “We’re already established I’m kind of a slut for doing what you tell me.”

  Cas laughed. “You’re just a slut for me in general, aren’t you, sweetheart?”

  Matty hummed and nodded. “Guilty, I’m afraid. It’s your fault for being so insanely hot.”

  Cas ran his hand up Matty’s side, making him shiver at both the touch and the hungry look Cas had as he trailed his gaze over Matty’s naked body. “I don’t think you know how hot you are, do you?” Cas murmured, caressing along Matty’s sensitive thighs. He was so close to Matty’s straining cock, but he didn’t touch it yet.

  Matty whimpered. “Please,” he whispered.

  But Cas just tilted his head, turning his lust-blown eyes on Matty’s. “I will. I promise, sweetheart,” he said, rubbing Matty’s stomach in a way that managed to be both sexy and soothing at the same time. “But we said we’d be honest. And you need to hear the truth. I’ve never been with anyone while I’ve been out in the city. I haven’t even been tempted to break the palace’s rules. The risk seemed too great. Until you. Do you understand how special that makes you? How unique?”

  Matty squirmed, feeling his cheeks flushing in embarrassment. “I’m just me,” he mumbled, looking away from Cas’s piercing gaze. “Some broke guy from Queens who doesn’t even know what he’s doing with his life.”

  Cas cupped the side of Matty’s face and made him look back at him. “No,” he said firmly. “You’re a man who dropped everything to care for his family. You’re kind and generous and fun and sexy. I couldn’t care less what your job is or what’s in your bank account. To me, you are precious. I said I’d treasure you, because you’re priceless.” He bit his lip and didn’t blink as he looked so deep into Matty’s eyes it was as if he was searching his soul. “Can you say something for me? It’ll make me happy, because I think you need to say it to believe it.”

  Matty swallowed. He’d been so relieved they were having fun, loving sex after the awful day they’d experienced. He’d thought he couldn’t feel any more raw. But this was a whole new level of vulnerable, stretched out naked, with Cas saying all these unbelievable things to him.

  But Matty wanted to do whatever Cas asked. He wanted Cas to take care of him, because right from the start Matty had just known that Cas’s instincts were good. Even if sometimes, they were misdirected. So he continued to trust him now. Matty could surely manage a few words for him, couldn’t he? Especially if Cas said they were good for him.

  “O-okay,” he stammered.

  Cas’s beaming smile made Matty feel more relaxed immediately. “I know you could, Matty. You’re so good to me.” Those words were like butter melting over freshly baked bread for Matty. He brushed the backs of his fingers against Cas’s dark stubble, shivering a little at the prickly sensation.

  Matty breathed deeply and smiled, confidence swimming through his veins. Cas will take care of me. Cas loves me. I love Cas. He thought the words clearly, like a mantra.

  Cas kissed him softly on the lips. “I want you to say, ‘I’m worthy.’ Can you do that?”

  Suddenly, Matty wasn’t so sure that he could. For just two words, it was almost impressive at the fear they caused him. “Uh,” he croaked. Cas still had his hand resting against Matty’s cheek, effectively trapping him, so he was locked in with Cas’s gaze.

  So Matty closed his eyes.

  “I-I’m worthy,” he mumbled.

  There was a pause. “No, Matty,” Cas said. Matty’s disappointment was so swift his eyes flew open as his stomach dropped. But then Cas smiled again. “That’s it. Keep your eyes open. I know you can do it. Look at me and say what I asked you to, please.”

  Fear was still curled around Matty’s heart. He never would have guessed something so simple would be such a problem, but Cas obviously knew. So Matty swallowed and gripped firmly onto Cas’s wrist. In turn, Cas caressed Matty’s cheek with strong, soothing rubs of his thumb. Matty blinked, but then he held Cas’s gaze.

  “I’m worthy,” he said in a rush. He exhaled, and Cas beamed, looking proud. Matty gave a nervous laugh, a little surprised he’d managed to do it. “I’m worthy,” he repeated, feeling a calmness easing the fe
ar out of his chest.

  “Perfect,” Cas said, placing a sweet kiss on Matty’s lips. “Can you try a couple more?”

  Matty nodded. He was still clinging to Cas’s wrist, but he flopped the other hand by his head and continued concentrating on his breathing, the calmness spreading from his chest through the rest of his body, like tendrils of smoke, curling all the way out to his fingers and toes.

  “I can do it, Cas,” he said. And he wasn’t just doing it for his lover. He was doing it for both of them. It was as if he hadn’t had permission to say something like that before about himself, but now he could.

  “I am worthy of love,” said Cas. Their locked gazes were hypnotic.

  “I am…worthy of love,” Matty repeated, only tripping up slightly. But he kept his eyes open.

  “I am beautiful.”

  “I am beautiful,” Matty said without pause.

  Cas grinned. “I am treasured by the man who loves me, no matter what.”

  Matty bit his lip. Cas sounded so confident when he said that. “No matter what,” Matty whispered.

  That was the really important part to Matty. Cas meant that. They probably couldn’t be together. It was just too impossible. But that didn’t mean what they’d shared wasn’t real or of immeasurable value.

  “I am Matty Doyle,” he said quietly but clearly. “I am worthy, beautiful, and treasured by the man who loves me. And I love him, too,” he added, feeling light headed.

  Was this the kind of euphoric rush people felt when they jumped out of airplanes? Or when they spoke in front of crowds? Matty felt like he was ten feet tall and flying, perfectly content in his own skin. Like he was exactly where he was meant to be.

  “Now you,” he said softly, like his tongue had a mind of his own, and his brain wasn’t even sure what he meant.

  Neither did Cas, apparently. He quirked a smile and tilted his head. “Now me what?” he asked gently.

  “Now you say…” Matty was floating, so it took him a second to think of what he wanted – what he needed. But it wasn’t so much about what Matty needed… “I am Cas, and I am my own man.”