Reign or Shine

by H J Welch

  After feeling like he’d been walking forever, Cas finally came across the clearing where, thank fucking god, Matty was huddled on a tree stump, his arms wrapped around himself as he shivered. He was soaked through, but he was there, and for the second time that day, that was enough for Cas.

  “Matty?” he called out as he walked down a small hill, careful not to slip. It would really suck if he got all the way out here only to twist his own damn ankle.

  Matty’s head snapped up, and in a blur he launched himself off the tree stump and flung himself at Cas, hugging him desperately and sobbing against his neck. “Thank fuck!” he cried as Cas squeezed him tightly, his heart aching at Matty’s obvious distress. “I’m such an idiot! I got lost, and you said not to use my phone, so I couldn’t get maps up or answer your calls. I’m sorry, Cas, I’m so sorry!”

  Before Cas knew what was happening, they looked at each other, and then their lips crashed together in a passionate embrace. Matty whimpered into Cas’s mouth as their tongues met and they gripped each other’s backs for dear life. Cas kept the umbrella over them as he hugged Matty’s trembling body to him.

  “It’s okay,” he said as they broke apart. Cas rested his temple against Matty’s and rubbed his back as the rain pounded down around them. The wind had done a good job spraying water onto Cas despite the umbrella, but now Matty’s clothes were soaking Cas’s fast. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”

  “No, it’s not!” Matty cried, banging his fist half-heartedly against Cas’s chest. “It’s all fucked up and I want to be mad at you for putting me in this situation, but I don’t think I can! Why didn’t you trust me, Cas? I wanted this to be real so badly. You didn’t give me a choice! I’ve been so scared, going over and over in my mind what’s going to happen to me and my family – they pried into my whole life. Why didn’t you tell me you were a damn prince?”

  Cas closed his eyes and just held Matty as he cried against Cas’s neck, his fist balled around Cas’s damp shirt material. There was nothing he could say to make this better or change what he’d done, but he tried anyway.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said, mustering all the sincerity he possessed. “This got completely out of hand. You have every right to be angry with me. I just wanted a bit of normalcy instead of the puppet show I’ve grown up in. But then I met you and you weren’t normal – you were extraordinary. I never should have let it go this far, though. It was selfish and completely unfair, and the very, very last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. But, Matty…”

  I love you. That was what he wanted to say. He knew it to be true. He’d never felt this way about anyone, not even close. It was like a physical ache in his chest, a feeling of completion like the slotting of two jigsaw pieces together. It wasn’t an excuse for his behavior, but it was a fact.

  He loved Matty Doyle. An American who would be leaving the country in a matter of days, who had no social standing, whom no one would approve of him being with. And even so, how could Cas ask Matty to take on the kind of media scrutiny he’d experienced today, just to be with Cas? It was unreasonable.

  Matty leaned back, blinking at Cas with raindrops glistening on his dark eyelashes. He was so beautiful it hurt.

  “What?” Matty whispered, hope dancing in his eyes. “What were you going to say?”

  Cas shook his head. He couldn’t give Matty any hope, because it would be shaky at best. As much as Cas wanted it, there was no guarantee they would be able to be together. That would be cruel to Matty, and Cas had done enough damage. “Come on,” he said, moving to take Matty’s hand. “Let’s get you warm and dry, okay?”

  Matty allowed Cas to take it, and his skin was indeed like ice. Matty bit his lip, his blue eyes searching Cas’s face. Then he surged up on his tiptoes, pressing another firm kiss to Cas’s lips. Before Cas could wrap him up and kiss him some more, Matty pulled back. “You’ve said ‘sorry’ a hundred times today. But I’m sorry, too, okay? I handled this badly.”

  Cas spluttered. “What, sweetheart? No, I-”

  “Wanted some real life,” Matty interrupted, shaking his head. “I understand that, I do. And I’m so happy you found that with me. Yeah, I hate that von Tarr did this to us, and I wish you’d been able to tell me the truth. But I shouldn’t have run off on you. Twice.” He smiled sheepishly.

  Cas sighed and hugged his lover tightly. “There are things we maybe both could have done differently, but life doesn’t come with a script. I’m just glad we’re here, now. Let’s head back to the cabin. Maybe a hot shower first? You must be frozen.”

  Matty hummed and leaned into Cas’s side as they began to walk. “A little bit,” Matty admitted. “I’m so glad you came looking for me.”

  Cas wanted to promise that he’d always be there to look after Matty, but he knew he couldn’t guarantee that, no matter how much he wanted to. So instead he lifted their raised hands and kissed Matty’s knuckles.

  They spent the rest of the walk back in comfortable quiet. But unlike in the car earlier, it had real warmth to it, despite the awful weather. Cas rubbed the back of Matty’s hand with his thumb, and every now and again, Matty would glance over at Cas and then squeeze his hand as he gave him a small smile.

  By the time they got back to the cabin, Cas was cold and wet, so Matty must have been really suffering.

  He looked over at Cas and frowned as they approached the driveway. “I didn’t see a bathroom before?”

  Cas shook his head. “The original property had a dreadful outhouse when the family acquired it. After it became my favorite haunt, I had that torn down and replaced. This way.”

  Anticipation tingling in his belly, Cas led Matty around the back of the cabin to the new building he’d installed. Opening the door and turning on the lights, he got a little thrill of pride as Matty gasped and stepped inside out of the rain. It looked like another small log cabin on the outside, but inside was a wet room that Cas had often used as a sauna because it got so hot and steamy. He couldn’t think of a better place for Matty to warm up.

  “There are towels in the waterproof locker there,” Cas said from the doorstep. “And you can use any of the products you like.”

  Matty turned and looked at Cas, biting his lip. “Do you want to join me?” he asked eventually.

  His words were so vulnerable, they broke Cas’s heart all over again. He’d been trying to be strong and give Matty space, but he could only be so pious. “Do you want me to look after you, sweetheart?”

  Matty hugged himself and looked down at the wooden slats on the floor. Then he nodded.

  That was all the encouragement Cas needed. He came inside and closed the door, kicking off his shoes and socks as he propped the umbrella up in the corner before wrapping his arms around Matty in a firm hug. After he’d kissed the top of his head, he moved quickly to crank the heat up and get the water going in the shower in the corner. They might have been out of the storm, but this room hadn’t been used in a long time, and it was still pretty chilly.

  That done, he turned back to Matty, who was still hugging himself and looking unsure. When Cas placed his hands on Matty’s shoulders and began rubbing them, Matty leaned into the touch and groaned.

  There wasn’t anything sexual in the way that Cas undressed them both. He peeled off their sodden clothing and guided Matty toward the hot water. But Cas couldn’t help but be moved by seeing Matty this way, regardless. He was vulnerable and small and trusting Cas again, and Cas wanted to do everything in his power to earn that confidence back.

  After making certain that the temperature was just right, Cas gently encouraged Matty under the water, relishing in the way he groaned and shuddered. Yes, it was sexy. Matty was always sexy. But above all else, Cas was just happy that Matty was safe and content.

  He sent a silent prayer of thanks to Valentina once again, because there were brand-new products waiting for them to use. So Cas reached for the rich and creamy Thedian olive-infused shampoo and conditioner to clean their hair, then lathered Matty up
in a delicious wild blueberry and mango body wash. Matty allowed Cas to warm him, swaying into his every touch with little hums, his eyes closed in complete trust.

  Cas wanted to be able to do this any time Matty was upset. He wanted to be the one who caught this kind, beautiful man whenever he fell. But he forced himself to stop thinking about tomorrow and focus on tonight. He’d thought he’d never get to see Matty again, let alone care for him like this. Their time together was a gift, and he refused to squander it.

  When he turned off the water and wrapped them both up in big fluffy towels, he realized he’d made an error. He chuckled, the sound startling him after their somber day.

  “What?” Matty asked with wide eyes, huddled in his massive white towel. His skin was flushed from the hot water, his wet curls even darker than usual.

  Cas grinned and rubbed Matty’s arms, enjoying the moment of silliness. “I forgot to get us any clothes.”

  “Oh!” Matty managed a small laugh too, lifting Cas’s spirits even further. “Whoops.”

  Cas leaned over and pressed a kiss to Matty’s forehead. “Stay here,” he said as he stepped back. “Keep drying. I’ll be back in a flash.”

  “But-” Matty said. Then he relaxed and nodded. “Okay, thank you,” he said.

  Cas smiled at him, his hands still on Matty’s shoulders. “Were you going to suggest we both run back through the cold rain?” he asked, knowing the answer.

  “Maybe,” Matty mumbled. Then he closed the space between them and leaned against Cas’s chest. Cas happily wrapped his arms around him as he smiled against Cas’s neck. “But I’m still cold, and you said you wanted to looked after me. So it’s okay to let you.”

  “I really do want to look after you,” Cas said, his heart full and warm. Things were so much simpler when it was just the two of them. He allowed their little fantasy bubble to creep back around them again. “Thank you for letting me.”

  Matty licked his lips and frowned, looking up at Cas. “It’s not…” He huffed and shook his head. “Is it selfish that I love you making all the decisions and taking charge like that? Do you think I’m lazy?”

  Cas couldn’t help but smile and shake his head. “Not in the slightest. What we have is precious and unique.” I was terrified we might have lost it forever, he almost added. Instead, he said, “It makes me happy and at peace in ways I can’t really express. I want to look after you, and when you let me, it’s like you give me a gift.”

  Matty bit his lip. “Wow,” he said sadly. “We really do fit well together, don’t we?”

  That damned lump threatened to rise in Cas’s throat again. “I think so,” he said softly.

  Before he could dwell too long on the doomed nature of their relationship, he kissed Matty’s dark curls, then turned to shove his damp feet back into his already-ruined dress shoes. He made sure his towel was wrapped securely around his hips before throwing another one over his shoulders, grabbing the umbrella, then fishing the keys out of his trousers on the tiled floor.

  It only took maybe thirty seconds to get around to the front of the cabin and let himself back in. He flicked on some of the lamps so he had enough illumination to see by, then used the lighter to get the fire going. Matty hadn’t been wrong. Despite a hot shower, Cas was still shivering from being wet, and the dash back through the cold evening air and rain wasn’t going to help either of them. At least the cabin had been warmed by the summer sunshine earlier.

  He hurriedly pulled on his own sweatpants and hoodie from the bag Valentina had pulled together for him from the apartment. But when he came to picking an outfit for Matty, he stalled.

  Among the various clothes, Valentina had packed Cas’s worn out Elm Willows hoodie. Did she realize Matty had been wearing it all week? Did she have any idea that it smelled like him – his sweet musk and woodsy aftershave? Cas bunched the soft material up in his hand, inhaling deeply as he hugged it to his chest, his throat tightening. There was still a faint whiff of the palace detergent as well, mingled in with pure Matty. Cas still wasn’t really sure where they stood, but he wanted that feeling they’d shared in the apartment back so badly. Their perfect, private bubble, where they were both safe from the outside world.

  Cas debated for a second, then grabbed a pair of sweats and T-shirt that actually did belong to Matty to go with the hoodie. If Cas was going to wear his heart on his sleeve, he might as well go big or go home.

  Matty had been wearing his only sneakers out in the woods, so he’d have to suffer them for the short run back from the wet room, but Cas laid out some thick woolly socks for him to change into once they were back in the cabin.

  While he worked, Matty’s words rolled around in his head. ‘We really do fit well together, don’t we?’ Cas sighed. How long could he fight his feelings? This wasn’t some fling. He wasn’t playing commoner by jumping into bed with the first ordinary guy he’d met, no matter what that vile woman printed in her newspaper. Cas’s affection for Matty was as deep as it was startling.

  He wasn’t sure he’d ever feel whole again once Matty left, not now Cas knew what it felt like to have him complete his life.

  He shook his head and stuffed his feet back into the dress shoes. He was thinking too much again. He’d spent his whole adult life problem-solving for his family and being the perfect son who steered them all to safety. Enough. All that mattered right then and there was getting Matty warm and dry again. That was about all Cas could control at present, so he needed to concentrate on that.

  When Cas returned to the steamy wet room, Matty’s face lit up in the first real smile Cas had seen on him all day. It made his heart sing. Matty had asked if he was selfish in allowing himself to be fussed over by Cas, but the truth was Cas felt the same way. He felt too lucky to have met this man who blossomed under Cas’s ministrations. Maybe Cas didn’t deserve such a perfect guy after everything that had happened, yet here they were, and he was done fighting his moral compass. At least for one more night.

  Matty was sitting on one of the ledges around the wet room, his soaked clothes folded up next to him. He watched Cas with a smile as he came over to him, waiting for Cas to dress him rather than reaching for the clothes himself. Cas loved that with every fiber of his being.

  Matty was perfect as he stepped into his sweatpants and lifted his arms so Cas could slip the T-shirt on him. “That’s it, well done, sweetie,” Cas said fondly, tucking Matty’s hair behind his ears. “We’ll deal with those in the morning,” he said, gesturing to the damp towels and wet clothes. “I got this for you to wear as well, if you want?”

  His heart in his mouth, he offered up his favorite hoodie that he’d loved seeing Matty in over the past week. Sure enough, Matty’s blue eyes went wide. He didn’t miss the significance of Cas picking that particular garment.

  He licked his lips.

  “Thank you, Cas,” he whispered. A small smile tugged at one corner of his mouth as he held his arms out again, inviting Cas to slip it over Matty’s head. Cas swallowed, not wanting to let his emotions get the better of him in this moment. He was looking after Matty, so he needed to keep it together. But inside, he was bellowing in relief and happiness.

  Once it was over his head, Matty wriggled into the too-big sweater, looking utterly perfect as he gazed up at Cas.

  Cas sighed and cupped the side of Matty’s jaw. “Let’s get you back to the cabin, okay?” He took Matty’s hands and rubbed them between his own, giving them a little extra warmth before they made a run for it.

  They dashed from one building to the other under the umbrella, then Cas was finally able to lock the door on the world, making it just the two of them again. “Oh, that feels so good,” Matty said with a sigh, immediately going over to warm his hands over the fire. “Thank you, Cas.”

  Cas came and wrapped his arms around him from behind. His skin was still too chilled for his liking. He’d hate it if Matty got sick for the precious few days he still had in the country. Cas had no idea what was going to happen between
them after tonight, or even during the next few hours, but it was his privilege to do everything he could to look after Matty right then.

  “Can I warm you up?” he murmured against Matty’s neck. “No funny business, I promise. But we need to get your core temperature up.”

  Matty looked over his shoulder at Cas for a second, then nodded. He let Cas lead him by the hand over to the bed. Cas yanked back the covers.

  “I mean, with body heat,” Cas clarified.

  What he was really asking was if it was okay for them to get into bed together after everything that had happened. But Matty just nodded and crawled under the sheets. That was enough to warm Cas from the inside out.

  “And you need to put these on,” Cas fussed, fetching the thick woolly socks he’d put aside for Matty earlier.

  Matty laughed. He really threw back his head and laughed, and the sight made Cas want to cry with relief and happiness. “Those are the dorkiest things I’ve ever seen!” Matty gasped. “What are you, a hundred years old? There’s like a whole sheep in those socks!”

  “Frostbite is dorkier,” Cas insisted with a raised eyebrow that just seemed to make Matty laugh harder. Good. Cas loved carefree Matty a lot more than stressed Matty, especially when Cas knew he was the source of the stress. But he’d managed to find a way to fix that, even just a little, so he allowed himself to enjoy Matty’s smiles and laughs. Live in the moment, he reminded himself.

  When Cas got into the bed and pulled the covers over them, Matty snuggled up to him immediately, tangling their legs and hugging onto Cas’s chest like a life raft. The sense of rightness was as overwhelming as it was painful. Matty had been yelling at Cas that he wanted to hate him not two hours ago, and yet now here he was, pressed up against Cas head to toe, sighing contentedly like the foundation of their whole relationship hadn’t been shattered today.

  That was the problem. When it was just Cas and Matty, it was perfect. It was everything else that fucked it up.