Ttfn
Page 14
mad maddie:
no licorice whips? no devilishly good ding dongs?
SnowAngel:
it’s meant to stimulate better brain growth. freakin california!
mad maddie:
ok, now ur depressing ME
SnowAngel:
as if my life wasn’t bad enough, i have to read three chapters of biology and write a response to the first 20 pages of “The Heart of Darkness.” *glowers* I’LL show ’em a heart of darkness.
mad maddie:
the horror! the horror!
Wed, Jan 5, 7:45 PM E.S.T.
zoegirl:
hi, angela. everyone missed you at school today, just so you know. especially me.
Wed, Jan 5, 4:45 PM P.S.T.
SnowAngel:
ok, i’ve decided to talk to u. but i’m still extremely mad.
zoegirl:
angela!
zoegirl:
hurray, hurray, hurray!
SnowAngel:
i TOLD u, i’m still mad at u.
zoegirl:
i know, and i totally deserve it. and if it makes you feel any better, doug was mad at me too. we, like, had our first fight.
SnowAngel:
how tragic—by which i mean “yay.”
SnowAngel:
u fought over me?
zoegirl:
well, we didn’t exactly fight, and it wasn’t exactly over you. i mean, not in *that* way. but he thought i’d put you in a really bad position by not telling you about the two of us, and that by doing that, i put him in a really bad position.
zoegirl:
neither of us meant to hurt your feelings, angela
SnowAngel:
*glares silently*
zoegirl:
please don’t be mad anymore. i just got caught in my own stupidness, that’s all. i really did think you didn’t like him, because that’s what you’ve always said.
zoegirl:
do you forgive me?
SnowAngel:
no
SnowAngel:
but one day if u text me again, maybe i’ll text back. and if u call my cell, i MIGHT pick up.
zoegirl:
well … that’s a start, i guess
SnowAngel:
only i’ve had enough for right now, cuz u shouldn’t get off scot-free after being such a jerk. so, goodbye.
zoegirl:
angela …
zoegirl:
are you serious?
zoegirl:
ok, fine. but come back soon!!!
Thu, Jan 6, 6:04 PM P.S.T.
SnowAngel:
hi, zoe
zoegirl:
angela, hi! you DID text me back, you did! what’s up?
SnowAngel:
nothing, except i guess i wanna say that i forgive u for real.
zoegirl:
you do? thank god!
SnowAngel:
my mom says it was a coping strategy to be so angry at u, that it gave me something to focus all my anger at. i can’t control being stuck in california, but i CLD control being mad at u.
zoegirl:
huh
zoegirl:
i did kind of wonder if u were taking things out on me … but i also know that i really did screw up.
SnowAngel:
u got that right
zoegirl:
and like i said, i’m sorry
SnowAngel:
*deep, cleansing breath* and i forgive u
SnowAngel:
so now u have to tell me about him, since u didn’t for all this time.
zoegirl:
who, doug?
SnowAngel:
no, benedict cumberbatch. of course doug!!!
zoegirl:
well … he’s wonderful. he’s funny and he’s sweet and he’s got a poster of kermit the frog in his room.
zoegirl:
are you sure u want to hear this?
SnowAngel:
no, turns out i don’t
SnowAngel:
just tell me 1 thing. do u honestly like him? like, a lot?
zoegirl:
yeah … i do.
SnowAngel:
why? i’m not being a brat, i really wanna know.
zoegirl:
oh, angela
zoegirl:
i like him because when we talk, it feels real. like, last night we sat on the floor of the den and watched this candle burn down, and we talked about all kinds of things—our families, what we want to do when we’re older, what we believe in terms of God.
zoegirl:
it’s just so rare to find someone—a guy!—who gets me, you know? who doesn’t make me feel fake when i say what i’m honestly thinking.
SnowAngel:
yeah, i can see that
zoegirl:
although then it was weird when we finally stopped talking and it was time for him to go. he kept jingling his keys, but he wouldn’t get up from the sofa and walk out the door. because i guess he was … thinking we should fool around.
SnowAngel:
what???
zoegirl:
never mind, that just slipped out. i didn’t mean to bring up a touchy subject.
SnowAngel:
too late now. tell me!
zoegirl:
you sure?
SnowAngel:
if u don’t, it will just make things worse.
zoegirl:
well, on our 1st date we fooled around kind of more than we should have, maybe. only why do i feel like that? like we *shouldn’t* have? tons of people fool around. maddie fools around all the time. so if doug and i want to fool around, we should, right?
SnowAngel:
is this my little zoe, all grown up? should i be putting on my mom’s “Fiddler on the Roof” cd? *strikes melancholy pose* “Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little boy at play? I don’t remember growing older. When did they?”
zoegirl:
are you making fun of me?
SnowAngel:
“Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Swiftly flow the days!”
zoegirl:
stop singing!!!!!!!
SnowAngel:
ok, let’s recap. u got down and dirty on your first date, and last night doug wanted an instant replay. did u give him one or not?
zoegirl:
*not*
zoegirl:
we kissed, but i didn’t let it go further than that. finally i said, “doug, we have to get some sleep. you have to go.” he didn’t take the hint, so i pulled him up and propelled him to the door and very unsubtly pushed him toward his car.
zoegirl:
now i’m worried he thought i was being a jerk.
SnowAngel:
yeah, he probably did
SnowAngel:
jk
zoegirl:
i didn’t know it would be this complicated. the physical stuff, i mean.
SnowAngel:
just remember that as much as it pains me to say this, it really is ok to fool around or kiss or whatever. as long as you like each other, then that’s a GOOD thing.
zoegirl:
i know
SnowAngel:
and there’s a difference b/w fooling around and hooking up.
SnowAngel:
ur not maddie, zoe. don’t worry.
zoegirl:
ouch
zoegirl:
but thanks. i know this can’t be the easiest thing for you to talk about.
SnowAngel:
get real. what kind of twisted friend would freak out over a guy she’d never even gone out with???
SnowAngel:
anyway, that’s what i’m here for, even if i AM 3,000 miles away.
zoegirl:
wait! we forgot to talk about YOU! do you want to tell me about your new school?
SnowAngel:
nah, i’m pretty wiped. i’m just glad things r good b/w us.
zoegirl:
me too. night!
Fri, Jan 7, 6:50 PM E.S.T.
mad maddie:
u know what i hate? ppl who hate everyone. ppl who walk around so wrapped up in their own bullshit that they can’t possibly imagine that everyone else might NOT be as fake as they wanna think they r.
SnowAngel:
and hello to u 2. what r u going on about?
mad maddie:
just cuz i don’t wear all black, that makes me a sellout? that automatically implies that i worship taylor swift?
SnowAngel:
i like taylor swift. she’s amazing.
mad maddie:
don’t tell katie thompson and her minions that. they were trolling the halls today in their black eyeliner and their “wacky” clothes, and all i cld think was, “god, i’m sick of school already, and i’ve only been back three days.” the katies think they’re so DIFFERENT, but they can only be different in a group. have u noticed?
SnowAngel:
i did back in the good old days, yes. but in case u’ve forgotten, katie and i no longer live in the same state.
mad maddie:
i know that. DER.
mad maddie:
i just mean that if ur gonna be different, u should be different for real, not cuz of some bullshit desire to be different. like—well, hold on, chive says it better than me. here, this is from his deadjournal:
Chet Baker is the man. Never learned to read music, because he heard the music in his soul. Lived hard and fast, because that’s what living is for. He lost his teeth in a street fight, but still he was the best jazz trumpet player this world has ever seen. The prince of cool.
Check it out, from “Chet Baker’s Unsung Swan Song” by David Wilcox:
My old addiction Makes me crave only what is best Like these just this morning song birds Craving upward from the nest.
mad maddie:
doesn’t that say it all?
SnowAngel:
i don’t get it. who’s chet baker?
mad maddie:
just the best trumpet player ever. it says it right there.
SnowAngel:
what’s the bit about the birds craving upward from the nest? is it poetry?
mad maddie:
it’s a SONG by david wilcox. don’t u know who david wilcox is?
SnowAngel:
no
SnowAngel:
did U, pre-chive?
mad maddie:
it’s about how chet b. died by falling out of a hotel window. he was wasted, apparently. hence, like a bird leaning out of its nest.
SnowAngel:
a bird that was wasted?
mad maddie:
the point is that chet baker lived his life on his own terms, unlike katie thompson. he took risks. he was unpredictable.
SnowAngel:
u don’t have to be wasted to be unpredictable. i’m not goth or emo or anything, and I’M unpredictable.
mad maddie:
U? hahahahahaha
mad maddie:
i love u, angela, but ur as predictable as they come. type in “16-year-old girl” and out pops “angela silver.”
SnowAngel:
excuse me? name ONE thing about me that’s predictable!
mad maddie:
uh, let’s c. your ryan gosling obsession? your need to shop? and let’s not forget the fight ur having with zoe, which is over the most predictable thing in the world—a guy.
SnowAngel:
what fight? we worked things out.
mad maddie:
come again?
SnowAngel:
i still think she handled everything completely wrong … but MAYBE i shouldn’t have made such a case out of her hanging out with doug. maybe i sorta knew that she liked him all along.
mad maddie:
oh
mad maddie:
that doesn’t make it ok, tho. she LIED to u.
SnowAngel:
i know she did
mad maddie:
more than once, i might add.
SnowAngel:
what’s your point? do u not want me to forgive her?
mad maddie:
no, i do. of course i do.
SnowAngel:
good, cuz i did
SnowAngel:
and u wanna know what’s weird? it was a total power trip to let her off the hook. i didn’t know it was gonna be, but it was. it was such a role reversal—the great zoe messing up!
SnowAngel:
does that make any sense?
mad maddie:
you got to be the magnanimous one. you got to choose whether to let her live or die.
SnowAngel:
yeah. i’m not saying i’m glad it happened … but part of me liked having her grovel.
mad maddie:
i can totally understand
SnowAngel:
plus, what else was i supposed to do?
SnowAngel:
she’s my zoe, just like ur my maddie. i can’t live w/o either of u.
mad maddie:
lucky for u, u don’t have to.
SnowAngel:
which is good, cuz now i won’t have to get wasted and fall out a hotel window.
mad maddie:
haha, very funny!
Sat, Jan 8, 11:45 AM E.S.T.
zoegirl:
wake up, angela! wake up, wake up!
SnowAngel:
*rubs sleep from eyes* it’s not noon here, zoe. we’re three hours earlier, remember?
zoegirl:
oh yeah, i forgot
zoegirl:
so that makes it … 8:45? wow, ur up early.
SnowAngel:
*smiles wanly*
zoegirl:
so what’s going on? you have any big plans for tonight?
SnowAngel:
no, cuz i have no friends, cuz apparently i suck.
zoegirl:
what about glendy?
SnowAngel:
haha. glendy is WORSE than no friends.
SnowAngel:
yesterday she cornered me at lunch and made me go to the bathroom with her. she needed me to run the water in the sink while she … did her business. what a baby!
zoegirl:
why run water?
zoegirl:
ohhhhh. to cover the sounds?
SnowAngel:
she doesn’t want anyone to hear her peeing. isn’t that something ur supposed to be over by the time ur 16? i was like, “we ALL do it, glendy. every single 1 of us pees, even mother teresa.”
zoegirl:
i have a hard time peeing around other people too, though. in my head i’m like, “just pee, just pee!” but sometimes my body refuses to cooperate.
zoegirl:
oh gosh. does that mean i’m repressed?
SnowAngel:
huh?
zoegirl:
maddie thinks i am. she says i’m a prude.
SnowAngel:
no offense, but compared to maddie, anyone would be a prude
SnowAngel:
oops *claps hand over mouth*
zoegirl:
sometimes i worry she’s right, though. like with doug, i still get nervous about all the body stuff. i can never just let go and enjoy it, not all the way.
zoegirl:
am i allowed to talk to you about this? i don’t wanna make you feel bad.
SnowAngel:
the only time u make me feel bad is when u say things like “i don’t wanna make u feel bad.”
SnowAngel:
so when u say u can’t just let go and enjoy it … does that mean things have been progressing?
zoegirl:
well, doug wants them to. i keep kind of redirecting him.
SnowAngel:
ahhh, redirecting him. that’s a good way to put it.
zoegirl:
why do i have to be this way? it’s like i’m stuck in my stupid head, thinking, “crap, did i shave? do i smell
? are my breasts too small? is my butt too big?”
SnowAngel:
zoe, your butt is NOT too big. if your butt is too big, then the rest of us should jump over a cliff and be done with it.
zoegirl:
and even worse …
zoegirl:
never mind. i don’t want to say.
SnowAngel:
SAY IT
zoegirl:
no, cuz then you’ll *really* think i’m a prude!