Absolution: A Salvation Society Novel

by Leaona Luxx

  “Make it quick, I’m packing.”

  “I suppose I’m not surprised. You never really wanted to find your old life; this makes it easy to cut the ties from everyone.” I step in, shutting the door as I do. Doc runs over to greet me, I kneel, kissing her before continuing. “Hey, love. I miss you too.”

  He walks to the other side of the room, crossing his arms and readying to fight. “Say what you came to, and leave. I don’t have time or patience for another ‘best of intentions’ speech from anyone.”

  “My truth does involve a ‘best of intentions’ story, but not for you or me. It was for your parents. Our story started years ago, and involves more than you think.”

  “Of course it does, people like you and them think they know what’s best for everyone. When all you do is destroy people and their lives.” His words are full of venom. They fill my ears, seeping into my veins as they poison my thinking. This is going to be harder than I ever imagined.

  “Well then, I suppose this will be over faster than I thought since you know everything there is to know.” I seethe, my pulse racing with the same vitriol he filled me with.

  “I know enough to determine; we weren’t meant to be together. You don’t do these things to people you love!” He spits his words at me like daggers pointed straight for my heart. They hit their mark because he’s not wrong.

  “You’re right. But I didn’t come here to beg you back, I came to tell you everything, and that’s what I’m going to do.” I bite back rancor, trying not to cover him in it as well as he’s hitting me.

  “Please, by all means, get on with it so you can leave.” He leans against the wall, arms folded to protect himself. I don’t think it’s going to help.

  “We met in college, the year before you enlisted. The picture you found in Emmie’s nightstand was from our last night together. I thought Emmie might want to know who her father was one day, so I kept it.”

  “I’m Emmie’s father? You didn’t think I deserved to know that? Or were you playing with me too?” He seethes, and I feel it in my bones. His anger is palpable, and the fissure in my heart opens wider.

  “No one knows better than me with actions, there are consequences. I did what I thought was best to protect us.”

  “From what? Me? Maybe you should’ve protected her from yourself!” He yells as anger gets the better of him, and it chills my blood, making it run cold.

  “From all of it, Creed! Loss and pain. The thought of having a father that didn’t want her or even remember he made her. And yes, from me. I mourned you for far too long when she deserved a mother that was whole instead of one rotting away from a broken heart.” I pound my chest, hoping my heart will get a jump start, so I can breathe again.

  “You are like all of the rest of them, using big words for things you will never understand or regret.” His jaw sets, but his words cut like a knife and twist like a lie.

  “How nice it must be, to forget and never be accountable for anything.” I shake as anger pulsates through me. Though I want to run, all I can think of is to fight for him. So, I do. “You can’t imagine what I’ve been through or the hell I’ve faced alone. Yet here you are passing judgment and spewing your self-righteous bullshit.

  “There was a time you couldn’t get enough of me. I loved you with everything in me, you filled me up with hope. And when you showed up, announcing you had enlisted, I stood behind you and put our plans for the future on hold.” My body vibrates with emotion, rocking me from where I stand. He has boxes setting around the room, this may be my last chance to explain it all.

  He scratches his head, shaking it. “I don’t get you. You were mad at me for joining the military? Had you known anything about me, you would know it was my dream from a young age.”

  “I do know, I was there for all of it!” I thump my chest, moving closer to him so he can feel my pain and not just see it. “But what you seem to have forgotten was me. You asked me to meet your parents, and although I knew what it meant, I was okay with it because you needed a buffer to tell them.

  “But that day never came, they found out before we could visit. I was so in love with you, I would have followed you to the ends of the earth. And I did when the following year, instead of introducing me to your parents, I only got as far as your grave.” There it is the black hole where my heart lies in two pieces—the before and the after. Time stands still here, the place where I’m stuck between life and death.

  “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you get to meet them?”

  “You were missing, and I was alone. I had no one or nothing, and still, I waited for you to return. When I didn’t hear from you, I moved to Cherry Grove with nothing but the clothes on my back, a box of veterinarian books, a diploma, a cheap-ass engagement ring that only a college student could afford, and carrying our child.” My mouth is dry, causing a painful tightness in my throat. I struggle to drag air into my burning lungs, as the memory robs me of it.

  He turns his back on me, walking to the other side of the room. “If we had been in love, I would’ve told my parents.”

  “Just like you told them you were enlisting. You loved and respected them, and you knew to pick your battles. You also knew they’d worry if you’d finish college after, especially if we were engaged. So, we continued to sneak around, seeing each other when you had a few days of leave.” My body quakes, and I shudder. His face pales, contorting with his thoughts.

  “The day of your last mission, you called to tell me, I would finally be meeting your parents on your next leave. That’s when I decided to wait to tell you about our baby, so I could do it in person.” I use the back of my hand to dry my face and wipe them on my jeans. The tears won’t stop, no matter how much I wish they would.

  “I don’t remember. I wish I could, it might help me to understand because I’m still dumbfounded as to why you didn’t tell me when we first met.” His frown deepens as our story unfolds. My guilt and fear grow by the minute, rooting me to the spot. I can’t run now even if I wanted to, I have to lighten my load before I collapse under it.

  “I didn’t think you would, and the day you walked through my doors with Doc was more than proof you might never remember me. I was stunned, happy, and devastated all at once. To have you so close but still in a place I couldn’t reach you. When you showed interest in me, I caved. I prayed for it to come to you, and a small part of me hoped you wouldn’t remember me, that way we could move past this.”

  His gaze locks with mine, a moment of clarity flashes in his eyes. “Doc? I called you Doc because you were going into veterinarian school.”

  “Yes.” I stamp down the butterflies in my belly from the hope that springs forth with his memory.

  “We were in love.” Is he asking me or telling me? Either way, it rips my soul from my chest and leaves it crushed. Leaving nothing but a hole where he once owned the entire space.

  “I thought we were, but I also believed we’d be together forever. Yet here we are standing in the ash and refuge of what’s left.”

  “I asked you to wait for me, gave you a ring.” Creed staggers to the chair, holding on as his newfound memories send shock waves through him. His hand grips the chair, and he steadies himself.

  “Yes, and when I didn’t hear from you, I went in search of anyone that could tell me whether you were alive or...” I swallow hard, squeezing my eyes shut from the thought.

  “That’s when you heard I was dead?” His brows are pulled so tight, his forehead wrinkles.

  “Yes, and it’s also how I learned about your parents risking whatever they could to get help for you. To rescue you from the hell you were in, no matter what it took. Even if it costs them everything.”

  He walks around, slumping into the chair. “And for what?”

  “The only thing they wanted was for their son to come home. Did you know they put them through a funeral? In the beginning, you were reported dead. Crawford went through the motions, but after, he raised hell until he found the truth. That
’s when he called his friend and asked for a favor. Jackson didn’t hesitate.” My hands are soaked at this point, but I still try to dry my face. I’ve been strong long enough, so I open the flood gates.

  “I owe them a lot; I know, but that doesn’t absolve them from anything.” His eyes darken with his words. “They should have told me, just like the rest of them. And like you should have.”

  “Why are you still blaming everyone for this? I was told you were dead! I grieved every day for you, mourned myself sick. Only to then find out, you were alive. Now, we were strangers, and you didn’t even know I existed. I came so close to losing Emmie, and it would’ve ended me. Am I supposed to blame you for any of this? How would it be fair?”

  “We’ve all paid a price, I suppose.” His head hangs. My heart knows what he’s feeling, hopelessness.

  “Did you know she’s named for your mom? Kathryn… Emmie Kate. I needed to be close to you, and didn’t know how to tell them or if I even should.” I clutch my stomach as nausea overcomes me.

  His head snaps up. “So, she still doesn’t know?”

  “I wanted to reach out to your parents, but they were grieving too. I didn’t know what to do or say. How do you tell someone about an illegitimate child that their son knew nothing about? I could’ve had a DNA test done, but can you imagine the conversation? I show up asking for a cup of genetics to prove you’re the baby daddy.” I fist my hair, not knowing if it’s from insanity or despair.

  “Yeah, you might’ve called that one right.” He chews his lip, fraught with worry.

  “When I would miss you or life would get hard, I would go to your grave to mourn. It ripped me to shreds for days on end, missing you was nothing compared to being faced with your death. There’s no coming back from death, right?” I shrug, wiping my tears on my shoulder. How you make someone understand what grief does to a person? Even when they go through it, it’s different for each person.

  “You know the one thing you’re never taught how to do? Mourn. Oh, trust me, plenty of people, who have never lost a loved one, are happy to regal you with instant remedies to ‘get over him.’ But that’s the thing, no one holds the secret for death and how to move past it.”

  “Sometimes, I think my parents are still mourning.” His jaw ticks with thought.

  “Grief is but a thief of love and life. It’ll rob you of your sleep and peace of mind. Showing up at the most inappropriate of times, even attempting to steal your unborn child. All for the love you no longer have, or can hold. The simplest things like lying beside them to feel their warmth.” My knees give way, and I fall to the floor. Creed rushes over, his hands outreached. I throw mine in the air and scream as my heart breaks again with the pain, refusing him as he has me.

  “No! You don’t get to do that right now. Do you know how unfair it is to those of us left behind to grieve or worry late at night about you? We have no one or nothing to find comfort in. I couldn’t call or ask if you were okay. I had no proof that you’re mine, and that I needed you. I was utterly lost! Surely, you know how that feels?”

  He kneels in front of me, offering his hand once again. “I still am. Lost and confused.”

  I sit in the middle of his living room in a mess, heaving from the tears that won’t stop falling—the same ones that have escaped more times than I like to admit. Even now, there are more than ever before.

  “I didn’t come here to make you feel guilty for any of this, not with the things you’ve been through. My life doesn’t afford me the chance to pass judgment. I spend my time with our daughter, mourning you every day, even though you’re alive.

  “Then the day came when you walked back into our life. I tried to fight it and pushed you away. But you don’t run, Creed. Even when I accuse you of it, hoping to make you mad enough to hate me. When you know what you want, you come after it. I’m not going to feel guilty for giving in to you.” I pick myself up from the floor, dusting off as I do. It’s not the first time over the last few years I’ve had dirt on me, after being dragged for being a single mom. And in this world, it won’t be the last.

  “You were given so many chances to tell me all of this, but here you are after I’ve walked away. I left because you are just like the rest of them, you want to blame everyone but yourself for what’s happened now. You made this mess, live in it.” His words sink me like cement around my ankles. I’m drowning, and there’s nothing I can say.

  “You’re right, I deserve this. But I also deserve to be angry with everyone that took you from me. Even with you, Creed. I died the day they said you were gone. If it weren’t for Emmie, I wouldn’t have survived. Every day for two years, I died again, not having you with us. I lived the same life as all of the other spouses, but I had no way of getting any information. I lost the love of my life, and there was no one I could turn to.”

  He steps back, spitting vitriol at me. “You loved me so much, you kept my daughter from me. Even after we made love, you didn’t mention any of it. Tell me again how love works because I don’t recall this being anything like it.”

  “Creed, I never said I haven’t made mistakes, but I’ll be damned if you or anyone else questions my love for you. I’m here! I’ve always been right here waiting on you.”

  “Maybe your mistake was waiting for me or even loving me in the first place. Come to think of it, maybe it was thinking I still loved you.” There you have it, ladies and gentlemen—the quickest and deadliest way to destroy a person.

  I stumble back as his words hit me like a wrecking ball. “I suppose you’ve got me there.”

  “Scarlet, I’m no good for anyone. I can’t remember who I am, let alone anyone else. You’re looking for a hero, one that will come back the same as when he left, and I can’t give you that. Especially now, after the last few days.”

  “And Emmie?” I whisper her name. He shakes his head as an answer. “I didn’t want more than you could give. I’ve never asked you for anything and never will.”

  “She doesn’t even know me, why should it matter now?”

  “If only I had your restraint, my life would’ve been easier. Right? The struggle and pain wouldn’t have been for nothing. I’ve been fighting for nothing this entire time.” I have nothing left; my tears won’t even fall.

  “I’m not going to fight for something that isn’t worth fighting for.” He leers at me, wielding his words like a sword, they cut deep and mortally wounding me.

  My head whips around like I’ve been punched, connecting to my heart and his justifiable torture. “And to think, I worried about the cruelty you had endured.”

  “Scarlet, I was lost when I found you! I thought you were going to be my redemption! My happily ever after the fray, you were all I wanted. You were supposed to be my salvation, little did I know you would need absolution first.”

  “Do you know what those words mean, Creed? Love, redemption, salvation, and absolution?” I lift my chin, although I refuse to look him in the face. His words demolished me to the point I have nothing left. We stand in the middle of our war, damaged beyond repair.

  “You better believe I know. Each of those words is full of heartache and pain. No one listening to their real meaning of life and moving forward.”

  “They mean… forgiveness.”

  I turn, running out the door of his home, from him and our love. He’s finally living his worst fear, he’s not himself anymore. He’s lost the one thing that made him who he was, the heart of the man who knows how to love.

  Reese opens the door, and I jump in. She races away before I have a chance to escape and rush back to him. I want to beg him to forgive me, to feel his love as I did just days ago.

  “You’re going to be okay, Scarlet. He’s going to come back.”

  I start with a small shake of my head, only to have my entire body to follow. My tears have run dry, and my body has lost all control. Here, I allow all the things I fought off for so long to overtake me and live here for now.

  Tomorrow, I’ll start over an
d pick up the pieces of my life once again. I find solace, and at some point, I’ll forgive him, not for leaving me, but for loving me to begin with and taking my heart with him.

  Isn’t it funny how the most desolate love is to know they love you and still want you, but fate will not allow it? We all must start a new chapter, but I never imagined I’d be starting a new book.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Creed

  Like a bad movie, I can’t turn away from the havoc unfolding in front of me. I’m cemented to the floor as Scarlet runs out the door, putting as much distance between us as possible. I’m awestruck by the damage words can do when uttered in a moment of anger.

  “Fuck!” I send my fist through the wall as rage boils in my gut, and anger gets the best of me. Pain seizes my chest, and I crumple into the floor.

  I look around the room, boxes sitting in every corner with nothing in them that can’t be replaced. Instead, I let the one thing I can never replace walk out of my door without even attempting to stop her.

  “Fucking asshole,” I scream, elbowing the floor with fury. No matter how hard I try, I can’t erase the vision of pain written on Scarlet’s face as she ran out of here.

  “You’re a fucking idiot! You chase her outta here for the same thing you’re guilty of doing, running from fear. Her body shook with anxiety from the time she walked through the door, riddled with worry.”

  “I’ve run around asking everyone to understand my fear of not being accepted or not wanting to be judged for the choices I’ve made, and all I’ve done is crucify her for the same thing.”

  Confused and hate-filled, I spend the rest of the evening, moving boxes across the room, only to bring it back ten minutes later. Sleep isn’t much better, I wrestle the comforter until I hurl it into the floor.