Absolution: A Salvation Society Novel

by Leaona Luxx

  I drag ass into Drew’s the next day hoping he’ll hand my ass to me after hearing what happened last night. I don’t know why I do it every time, pushing people away is my best defense.

  But what I did to Scarlet last night wasn’t love, it was bitterness and a cold, dead soul. I denied her the one thing she needs most, forgiveness. As if I don’t owe it to her for all she’s been through for me.

  “Wow.” Drew leans back, lacing his fingers behind his head. “And she just left.”

  “Would you have stayed after that? I ruined the one chance I had to make things right.”

  “If there’s one thing I know about life, we’re given multiple opportunities to screw things up.” He chuckles when I flip him off. There’s a knock on the door, and before I can register what’s happening, Jackson strolls through it.

  I cut my eyes at Drew, narrowing them. Jackson is the last person I want to talk to right now. The push for me to come to terms with everything is still rotting in my gut. The fissure caused by the lack of simple respect for me is more profound than any other subject right now.

  If one more person tells me this is how these things play out, I’m probably going to punch them. It doesn’t matter to me that others have been through it, it still doesn’t make it right.

  I can’t stage a protest now, he’s already here. And just like that, he saunters over like only Jackson Cole can. Fucker. I admire the hell out of him, but right now, I’m still pissed.

  “Hatch, how are you?” He offers his hand, and I take it. Peace ascends over the meeting.

  “I’ve been better.” I grimace. “A long, long time ago. I think.”

  He sits beside me, nodding to Drew. “I’m sure you’re wondering why you’ve been sabotaged again.”

  “As long as it’s good news, you fuckers can leave with your wives.” I grin, snidely.

  “Good to see you’re still an asshole, I thought you’d lose that once you regained your old self.”

  “Oh, no.” I fake laugh. “Still an asshole.”

  “I wanted to be the first to tell you, Riggins will be in the brig by this weekend for treason.” Jackson’s face remains the same throughout, and I’m in a puddle on the floor in my mind.

  My head bounces from him to Drew and back. “Are you kidding?”

  “No. You’ll also need to give a deposition. Once in custody, he’ll be court-martialed. Then you’ll need to testify once they have Riggins in custody.” Jackson grins when a smile breaks across my face.

  “I never thought I’d see this day.”

  “My only regret is that we’ll not be the ones to bring him in, but we did find him.” His words ring in my ears. My heart ceases, and I’m dragged back to the day I lost my brothers.

  “I’ll never be able to repay you.” I stand, hauling him into a hug.

  I catch something moving in the corner of the room and watch as Drew steps out the side door. Jackson sits down, waiting on me to join him again. He studies me for a minute before hitting the topic head-on.

  “The last time we spoke, we all recognized what you were going through. Not many men have lost the amount I have, and being their commander didn’t make it easier.”

  I hang my head in shame. “I was angry. At everyone and everything. I have no doubt all of you have lost brethren, and for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I am not alone.”

  “You’re not, Hatch.” He pauses. “The second hardest thing I’ve ever done is to bury one of my team members, knowing I was responsible for them.”

  “I can’t imagine, but I also know what losing my team has done to me. Fear has turned to self-loathing for being the only survivor, and I ran from it for so long. I don’t think I’ll ever live without guilt.”

  “You won’t. It’s a struggle every day, and one that we must face or will never be able to live with ourselves.”

  “I keep trying.”

  “Survivor’s guilt is as real as losing your life on a mission, never forget that and don’t let it rob you of living.” Jackson lays his hand on my shoulder, reassuring me. Many times I’ve thought of them as my adopted brothers since losing mine. Today, I have found a new family.

  I cock my brow, grinning at him. “So, you said it was the second hardest thing you’ve done. What was your first?”

  “I walked away from Catherine. It was the worst mistake of my life, and almost didn’t live to regret it.”

  “What do you mean?” I trot my leg, hoping to divert his attention from the fact I’m picking my nail.

  “The day I pushed her away, I swore it was for her own good but then I got hurt and it took her to bring me to my senses.” Jackson crosses his arms, studying my every move. Once a SEAL, always one.

  “And to your knees? Because I’ll be damned if I’m not eating dirt over here.”

  “Are we talking about your parents, which would equally be painful.” The corner of his eyes wrinkle, there’s something brewing.

  I drag a long breath in, filling my soul with the pain of regret. “Fuck that hurt. I guess I’m batting a thousand with you today.”

  “You couldn’t have known what road your life was going to take, Creed. I have no doubt they’re simply happy to have you back in any capacity.”

  “I’ve let them stay in a living nightmare for years, a hell created by me because I couldn’t face my own demons but damn if I don’t call them on theirs.”

  His lips purse. “Are we talking about your parents or someone else?”

  “Scarlet came by, shared some real truths with me, and I’m not sure how to handle them. Honestly, I don’t even know if I deserve her.”

  Jackson inclines his head. “If there’s one thing I know, the people meant to be in your life will always find a path back to you. No matter when or where they’ll be there.”

  “She actually did work her way back to me, even before I knew what she was doing.” The fissure in my chest rumbles, moving closer together as I think of the love and devotion it took for Scarlet to do all she’s done for us.

  “It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do.” He grins.

  “I have so many things to work out, I’m not sure where to start.”

  He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Well, I have another topic for discussion, and it might be the right place to start.”

  Jackson takes me under his wing, as he always has since meeting him. We talk about recovery and group sessions. He offers his help with anything I may need for the future if I decide on one.

  Two days later, I pull up to the clinic and step out of my SUV. The doors are open, and I enter the building from the side. Yes, I’m sneaking in. I’m scared shitless to do this tonight, but I need to for myself and them.

  I hesitate at the door, peeking in to see who all is here and grimace when I see everyone on this side of the ocean. Not only are the spouses here, but Lee, Liam, and Quinn. Why did all of them come?

  Mark, fucking asshole.

  “There’s no turning back now,” I grumble as I pull the door broad and stroll in. “Hey, y’all.”

  “Hi,” I’m greeted by Crystal, Connor’s wife, and I’m already gutted. “it’s good to see you.”

  “Crystal, it’s good to see you.” I nod, leaning in for an awkward side hug. “I appreciate you coming.”

  A blonde slides up next to me, taking the seat to my left. “Hi, I’m Melissa.”

  “Melissa Riggins.” My brows arch shocked by her presence. She’s the only one of the spouses I hadn’t met; she’s Riggins wife.

  “Well, Melissa Dixon Hennington Arrowood Riggins. Better known as Satan’s ex-wife, but yes. Good to finally meet you.” She smiles, running her hand down my arm.

  Two brunette’s join the growing crowd, along with some familiar faces. The first is Patrick Russell’s wife, Corinne. “Hi, how are you?”

  “Better, thank you.” I lean in, pressing my lips to her cheek before turning to do the same to Levi Underwood’s wife, Christy. “Good t
o see you again.”

  “It’s great to see you, Creed.” Robin, Floyd Driver’s wife, takes me by surprise. She’s tired, worn, and it’s obvious she’s still grieving all these years later. I’m such an ass. I’ve spent years afraid of facing the unknown, and these ladies have lived it.

  Damn. Scarlet was right. Military spouses go through a different kind of hell, one many should pray they never have to see. But here they are, standing strong for their husbands no longer by their sides and their children, looking to them for answers they may never get.

  Without thinking another second, I throw my arms around Robin and hold her tightly. Her body begins to quake, jarring a long-forgotten feeling, deep within me.

  Regret.

  “He loved you, most,” I whisper in her ear as she clings to my shirt. She suddenly gasps and steps back with a forced smile.

  “Thank you.” As she dries her eyes, that ole familiar ache in the center of my chest tightens, and my breath hitches.

  “Thank you all for coming. I know you’ve heard the basics, but I wanted to come and sit down with you. I needed to talk to you myself.” I clasp my hands as they begin to tremble.

  “I’ve got this…” A hand slaps me on the back. I don’t even turn because I know the asshole attached to it. “he’s sorry it took him so long to get here, he forgot where he put his keys.”

  “That’s not how it works, smartass.”

  Melissa leans closer to me. “It’s so good to see it didn’t leave any scars, you’re too handsome for that to happen.”

  “I used to know a Melissa. Come to think of it, everyone knew her, if ya get what I mean.” Mark waggles his brows.

  “Well, I’m not one to pass up a good-looking man, if that’s your point.” Melissa giggles, oblivious to Mark’s snide comment.

  “I heard that about you.” Corinne snickers.

  Christy raises her brows. “Yeah, I think we all have.”

  “Just marking my territory, ladies.” Melissa laughs with the rest of us. At least she’s a good sport, I don’t think that fiery redhead I know would feel the same with her draped on me. But then again, I can’t say.

  Crystal waits patiently, just as Connor described her. “Creed, you have something you wanted to share?”

  “Yes, thank you.” I run my hand through my hair, praying for the courage to right a few of my many wrongs. “Maybe, we should have a seat.”

  Crystal bumps my shoulder with hers. “So, no Scarlet?”

  “I’m not sure that’s gonna work out.” I glare at Mark, the loudmouth fucker. I hate to half-ass lie, but who’s here to hold me accountable.

  “Because you’re not trying to work anything out, asshole.” Mark drops into the seat next to me, and I’m left with no other options but to sit front and center of everyone.

  “I wasn’t ready for a trial by fire.” I rub the back of my neck, hoping to dissipate the panic attack I feel on the horizon. “He’s right.”

  “Of course, I am.” Mark quips.

  I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. My chest concaves with such pain, I can’t seem to breathe. A few long deep breaths, I force myself to begin.

  “As I walked down the hall to this room, I passed the kids next to us. I stopped and stared, doing my best to pick out who belonged to my best friends. It was so easy to see their fathers in each of them.

  “I hate the fact that my selfishness kept you from knowing the truth and getting the closure you all deserve. I think at some point, I was so consumed with guilt, I didn’t want to remember. The more I learned of what great men I was surrounded by; I couldn’t help but question why I was spared.” I clasp my hands when they begin to shake.

  Crystal lays her hand over mine, helping to steady them. “Take your time, you’re doing great.”

  “Am I? Because it sure as hell don’t feel like it.” I take a deep breath, releasing it so I can finish what I came to do. “I’ve heard it called survivors’ guilt, a few have even called it selfish as hell. But there’s one thing Scarlet taught me about, I haven’t been able to get out of my head.”

  “What military spouses go through.” I glance around the room at the tear-filled eyes. “As service members, we tend to keep close, not wanting to worry those left behind at home. But the truth is… you’ve already worried about it for us! Your fear, anger, worry, and even grief go unchecked for the better part of the time we’re gone.” I run my hand through my hair, ready to pull myself bald for being so selfish.

  Crystal touches my shoulder, offering me encouragement. “You’re doing great.”

  “No, I’m not. I left her here. I made a choice to serve without any regard for her or our future. Still, she waited on me to come home, only to show up broken and angry. She didn’t sign-up for this shit but paid the price. Those of you left here to keep our world turning, deserve more gratitude and respect than most can fathom. Thank you for your service.” I take my time, looking at each of them in the eye to express my gratitude.

  Quinn slaps me on the back. “So, your flamer taught you all of this?”

  “Scarlet has shown me more in the last few weeks about love and military life than I have ever known.”

  “God, I love that redhead.” Mark chuckles when I narrow my eyes at him.

  I snarl at him. “I’m sitting right here.”

  “Whatever,” he shrugs. “all I’m saying is be glad I’m a hot ticket, or I’d punch her library card.”

  Liam taps his knee. “Cut him some slack.”

  “No worries, we all know he doesn’t even know where in the hell a library is.”

  “I’d do an internet search and still punch her card.” Mark shrugs with a shitting eating grin. I flip him off, and he chuckles because now he knows he has the upper hand when it comes to messing around with my woman.

  “As I was saying, I’m sorry for not doing everything I should’ve sooner. I allowed my fear to drive me, and self-loathing to fuel it.” I hang my head as bile rises in the back of my throat.

  A hand on my shoulder helps me to force it back down and face the consequences. “You have to forgive yourself, or you’ll never have a chance to heal.”

  “All I had to do was face my demons but refused to stare the devil in the face. I hate myself for robbing all of you the chance to know the truth, to find the man who did this to all of us.”

  Corinne eases to the edge of her seat. “So, what are you saying?”

  “As I’m sure you’ve already heard, Mark and Jackson accompanied me earlier this week to give a deposition of my account of the mission. I’ve named Dave Riggins as the suspect in the deaths of your husbands.” My chest clenches, and I scramble from my seat as my lungs begin to seize.

  Quinn’s by my side, supporting me from falling to the floor. I’m bent over, hands on my knees. “Deep breaths and take it slow. Persistence is the key to steadiness. You’ve got this, man.”

  “C’mon,” I glance up at the hand stuck in my face, “take it.”

  I do just that. I latch on to that damn hand like a lifeline, dragging me from the undertow. “I… I-”

  “You heard the man; you’ve got this, and we’re here for it.” Mark slaps his hand over mine, grounding me, as I lean on him.

  I nod. “It’s time to finish it.”

  “Hell, yes!” Quinn thumps my back, giving me the nudge I need.

  “Ladies, I need to go beg the love of my life to forgive me. Please, excuse me.” I turn without another word and bolt toward the door.

  I may never convince Scarlet to give me another chance, but if I don’t try, it’ll be the one regret I’ll never survive. She is everything I’ve always needed, it’s the reason I gravitated to her in college.

  Scarlet’s the reason I made it home.

  “She’s what I’ve been missing, Scarlet brings it all together. She’s my final piece, the one that finishes the puzzle.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Creed

  I stop at the house, grabbing a bag and Doc. A
s we start out the door, the light over the table draws me to it. I drop my duffle and amble over. I lay my finger over the last remaining piece.

  I slide it left and then right, thinking of all she’s went through to find me and take care of for us. It’s not about owing her anything; for me, it’s about giving her everything she deserves.

  “She’s my missing piece, always has been. If she’ll have me, she’ll get all of my forever’s.” I pick up the piece, ready to put it in its home, only to find a ring is already there. It’s the one from college I gave Scarlet, she must’ve left it here. “The piece has been here all along.”

  The room spins, knocking me to the floor as I drown in memories crashing over me before I can catch my breath. One after the other, like dreams of another life, I’m thrown into a forgotten world.

  My parents cheering my cousins and me on as we play ball. The first day of middle school, my first kiss. Days, months, years of memories whip around me like waves in a storm, I’m tossed around.

  I watch as I cross the stage during my high school graduation and leave for my first day of college. My mom holds me close, crying as she tells me what a blessing I’ve been to them, their only child.

  The first time Scarlet flashes before my eyes, I gasp and struggle for air. My lungs burn as if I’ve been running for weeks on end, I think I have, looking for her. Because at this moment, I knew I’d love her forever.

  Forever, the words I mutter to her as we make love for the first time. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears when I tell her I’ve enlisted, never asking her if she’d wait. Leaving her standing alone as I walk away.

  “Will you stay mine?” Her words haunt me even now as a memory from the day I left. She holds everything I couldn’t carry with me; she’s my afterlife. Even after death, or what I thought would be mine.

  “My God… what have I done to her?” I wither under the weight she’s shouldered while I’ve been gone. My heart stops beating as I search her eyes that final day, remembering her last words.

  “Promise me, you’ll always find me.” We were robbed, like a death in the middle of the night. It crept in and took me under. I was lost in the darkest recesses of hell and had no chance to reach for her.