Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  “There you are,” I heard the dwarf say from somewhere behind me. I turned but it was too foggy to see anything but smoke and the feral, glowing eyes of the rushing Oni demons. “Oomph!”

  Damnit, I thought. It sounded like the dwarf had just taken a nasty blow to the head—not good since he knew how to collapse the tunnel behind us, ensuring a clean getaway and enough of a head start for us to figure out our next move before Typhon’s hitmen came after us.

  “Don’t you dare!” I heard Clio’s reedy voice say and then there was a soft smack and an even softer thud. “Ugghhh …” the pixie said and then nothing.

  I picked my way through the smoke, toward the voices of my accomplices.

  “Huh?” Lucy said. “What are you—”

  I heard the air being knocked from someone’s lungs, and then Lucy groaning as a body collided with a rubble pile. “Are you mad?” she said and then there was the fleshy crash of a fist knocking a jaw loose, and Lucy said woozily, “Theo …”

  “What the hell is happening?” I said out loud as I moved nearer. I came to the recently made opening in the brick wall, briefly took in the sight of Daryl, Clio and Lucy lying groaning and immobile on the dusty floor. Beside their slowly writhing bodies Orion stood flexing his fingerless-gloved hands.

  “Orion!” I shouted. From somewhere behind me, there came a bright flash and then the Snap! Snap! that signified Simon and Garfunkel being catapulted back to my shoulder via our magical bond. At least persuading Lady Justice to follow me was one less thing I had to worry about.

  I turned to face my familiars as they alighted on my shoulders, their tiny faces awash with exhaustion and the agony of betrayal.

  Needless to say, they had not been in on my little plan. I needed them to morph into their super form to mask Lucy’s entrance (and our escape) and I didn’t trust them to morph if I simply asked pretty please. Getting them to forgive and trust me would be a long and rough road—but I knew we’d figure it out. We were family.

  I turned back to face the tunnel opening. “Orion, help me pick up Lucy and—”

  Whump!

  I toppled over onto my chest, my familiars—already dazed—spilling from their perches. I sucked in a startled breath and pushed myself over. Orion was already straddling my chest, one hand holding down my shoulder as the other reared back into the air.

  My eyes bulged. “Orion?”

  His fist came down, swift and clean, sending me to la-la land.

  “Between a Rock and a Hard Gate”

  “I knew it was always going to end this way. That independent and self-thinking head of yours.” It was Typhon.

  I rubbed my aching head with my hands bound out in front of me. I blinked. It was dark and I was sitting on a cold stone floor that smelled like mold and excrement. Where the hell was I?

  I blinked again and suddenly I knew. I wished I didn’t: The Arena Pit. Which meant the gate to the Arena itself lay against my back. That explained the impatient cheers from the stands just on the other side of the Arena gate.

  Typhon cleared his throat. “The Arena doesn’t rejuvenate humans, you know. Something about souls—”

  “What did you do to Orion?” I asked. “You said you wouldn’t hurt him.”

  Typhon just looked at me. He was all alone and studying my face. “And I didn’t lie. Orion experienced no pain. Your partner has been given an experimental injection of my Seven Deadly Sins concoction. With his mind temporarily free of its moral burdens and past memories, he’s now the perfect servant—my newest lieutenant. And to think, the two of you could have worked for me side-by-side.”

  “How long until it wears off?” I asked, my voice shakier than I’d intended.

  “Long enough so that you won’t find out, but it wasn’t a strong enough dose to ensure immortality.”

  My mind raced with all sorts of unhelpful, negative thoughts. Too bad I didn’t have an invisible angel-and-devil combo sitting on my shoulders to help balance me out …

  “Where are my familiars?” I asked as I raked my fingers through the moldy straw and detritus of the Arena Pit floor behind me. If I could locate a makeshift weapon, it’d give me some small sense of control and boost my spirits.

  Typhon sighed. “I tried to take them again but that pesky magic umbilical cord between you prevented it. I could have killed you, but my wife has taken a liking to you so I promised her I’d give you another chance. In the Arena, I didn’t add.”

  He paused. “Anyways, your familiars. One of my pixie servants stuffed them into your shoulder pads after I dosed them with knockout gas. Bizarre, those pads of yours, but also very protective. I can tell you really care about your familiars. My weakness is family as well. I’d do anything for Echidna.”

  “Then what about when she finds out you murdered me in your Arena?” I gritted my teeth as my fingers closed in on … a rock. Great.

  Typhon tugged at his shirt collar. “Ah, well. You know what they say. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Besides,” he said rapping a knuckle on the iron gate behind me leading into the Arena. “I’m not going to kill you. And with any luck, your familiars will form into Libra. When she does, I’ll have my guards tranq her before she reverts back to her invisible ‘familiar’ form.”

  Typhon checked his watch. Then he paced a bit with his hands clasped behind him while water dripped and mice scurried in the darkness.

  “That was a pretty amusing escape plan you orchestrated, especially considering you didn’t have this …” Typhon raised the cell phone I’d lifted from the rooftop wait staff; his goons must’ve confiscated it from my guest room. With a sudden clenching of his fist, he crushed the phone to bits. “The dwarf and pixie will make excellent additions to my excavation crew. You wouldn’t believe the tunnels under New York City; I’m so close to the prize I’ve been searching for all this time.”

  Crap, I thought. So the eternity cure was a distraction or side-hobby of his. The real “hidden power” was buried nearby, just like the Zeus gang had said.

  “And let’s not forget my four-armed lieutenant, Lucy,” Typhon continued. “Such a promising young woman. Echidna seemed to adore her as well … Oh well. She’ll make a good gladiatorial combatant with those four arms and her bodyguard training. And all that rage … If you survive this match, perhaps you’ll get to face off against her some day soon.”

  I wanted to say something witty but, well, I was trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, my friends were in deep water and Orion … Orion wasn’t Orion anymore.

  What I ended up saying was, “It’s not too late to let me go. If I don’t give Arachne a call within the hour, she’ll send in the cavalry. I’m talking full-scale army invasion.” Which was a lie. The cavalry should’ve already shown up!

  Typhon laughed, my skin crawling at the vicious delight it contained. “Oh your tech girl? Now that is a match people would love to see. Half spider-half beautiful young woman. She could be the new posterchild of my Arena operation—I’m sure Red Bull would share her. While it goes against my old-fashioned upbringing, sex sells, you know.”

  No … I thought. He wouldn’t. Arachne …

  Typhon raised his eyes. “And my sources say you’ve been hanging out with a lich king. He can replace the golems as the guardians of my storeroom. Or maybe I’ll just beholden him to be my bodyguard. Have you ever seen a lich king shred flesh from the bones of the living? I hear it’s to die for.”

  I wriggled at my bindings. “Why are you doing this?”

  Typhon scoffed. “Maybe because I don’t have a pair of angels on my shoulders telling me what is right from wrong …” He laughed coldly and I spat at his feet. He shook his head. “I offered you friendship, Theo and you spurned it. What am I supposed to do? I have to make an example of you, lest my business associates think I’ve gone soft.”

  He raised a handkerchief and coughed into it. “Such a shame too. Echidna was right about you making a fine lieutenant as long as you curbed that strong will of yours
. I could have made you richer and more powerful than in your dreams. Oh, and immortal. I could have made you immortal. Well, you can live on in the Arena—if you’re good enough. But considering your opponent …”

  “Let me go, you bastard!”

  He checked his watch again. “Don’t want to keep the fans waiting—we’re running a bit behind as it is. Once you’re dead, your link to your familiars will be broken and I’ll take possession of them.” He nodded to the darkness beside him and the Minotaur stepped forth.

  For a moment, I thought he might come to my aid, his connection to Orion and all, but the bull-man only looked down at me sadly, as if he had no say in the matter. He reached over and grasped the lever and the gate rose behind me with a raspy grating.

  Then, before I could move, the Minotaur pitched me out into the black void of the Arena.

  “Seeing Stars”

  I figured spotlights would lance me like spears. No such thing happened. I lay on my side, my wrists still bound behind me, a rock clenched in one hand. The beast gate clanged shut behind me and I still didn’t feel my familiars stirring in their shoulder pads.

  The darkness disoriented me. From somewhere high above me and surrounding me to the sides I heard a collective, ragged intake of breath. A colossal beast? Nemo the Lion?

  No, I realized. It was the crowd.

  There was a soft click and then the ceiling lit up in a spot-on replica of the night sky, glittering in silver splendid beauty. My eyes picked out constellations as the frantic breathing of the crowd above me turned into a pleased murmur of excitement.

  For a moment, I forgot about my current plight, taken back to nights around the campfire with my dad, and then I remembered I was in the Arena, my partner was brainwashed, my ex-partner and associates who were supposed to bail me out were captured, my real friends Arachne and LK were about to be captured, and my familiars were unconscious and of no help to me. What else could go wrong?

  I brought myself mentally back to the Arena. If there was another combatant in here with me, I couldn’t sense them. And by what little light there was, it appeared that all the damage from my impromptu Arena fight a few nights ago had been cleaned up.

  I staggered to my feet, tried to walk, but couldn’t. Some invisible force was chaining me near the wall. For crying out loud, my wrists are bound, what trouble can I get into?

  But no one likes a pity party so I stood there in the dark and listened to the oohs and ahs of the bloodthirsty crowd above and around me while fake stars twinkled and comets shot across the faux night sky. As I said, the light show projection was convincing, like observatory telescope quality.

  I couldn’t afford the time to admire it though. I was busy twisting my wrists, attacking my bindings with the small rock I’d managed to scrounge from the Arena Pit floor. Would it help? It was a start.

  Overhead, the loudspeaker crackled to life.

  “IN ONE CORNER, HAILING ALL THE WAY FROM MODERN-DAY GREECE BUT NOW A PROUD NYC EX-PAT … TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD … WITH HOBBIES RANGING FROM EXPLORING RUINS, RECOVERING PRICELESS ARTIFACTS AND PLAYING CATCH WITH HER FAMILIARS … MASTER THIEF AND PROFICIENT HAND TO HAND COMBATANT … WE HAVE … THEO APOLLONIA!”

  Now the spotlights assaulted me, and I shuffled against the wall, shuttering my eyes while keeping my wrists and the rock in my hand concealed behind my back.

  There were a few claps, but mostly just crickets. Pricks, I thought. I’ll show them.

  Faded golden light filled in a constellation in the synthetic night sky on the ceiling and Libra illuminated in clear white lettering.

  “Lady Justice!” someone shouted, and something wet and rotten-smelling splashed next to my feet. Tomatoes? Who smuggles in tomatoes to a gladiatorial event?!

  Thunder rumbled within the Arena, and for a moment I thought Typhon had released a flock of thunderbirds overhead. Then I realized it was the crowd booing.

  I’ll say it again, pricks …

  “AND … IN THE OTHER CORNER … THE COMBATANT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR … HAILING FROM ANCIENT GREECE … SEVERAL-THOUSAND YEARS OLD … HONING HIS DEADLY CRAFT FOR YEARS AS HE TRAVELED THE KNOWN WORLD, HEAVENS AND HELLS TO KILL ONE OF EACH CREATURE … THE GREAT HUNTER … THE WAYFINDER … THE ONE AND ONLY … ORION!”

  My stomach, heart and esophagus did that one trick where they explode, and I stumbled and retched onto the Arena floor beside me. I balanced unevenly on my knees and the balls of my feet in my sneakers, and would have toppled had the invisible “chain” force not lifted me to my feet and held me steady.

  My body shook.

  The spotlights glared white and hot on Orion. He stood tall and proud, both arms outraised at his sides like a king commanding an audience. The crowd went wild and he rotated slowly to take in all the glory and energy. The crowd was feeding him with their fervor and I understood then what musicians must feel when they step up on stage in front of their fans.

  Another realization hit me cold and hard: my opponent moved and looked like Orion but he wasn’t my Orion, even though he was … What I mean is he was different. Cocky. Arrogant. A bit of a jerk. Prideful much? At least I now knew one of the Deadly Sins Typhon had injected him with.

  When the fanfare died down, Orion bent his elbow, forked two fingers at his eyes and then pointed them at me.

  Needless to say, I didn’t return the gesture, I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to hold myself up without the assistance of the invisible force chaining me in place.

  The spotlights faded to obscurity as a second constellation on the ceiling shaded itself in gold. Orion.

  “WELL, FOLKS … THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR … ONLY ONE CAN LIVE … THE VICTOR SURE TO BE OUR NEXT ARENA FAVORITE … LET. THE. GAMES … BEGIN!”

  “Seeing More Stars …”

  I fell forward as the invisible chains holding me disappeared. Thirty yards away, Orion eyed me like a predator.

  “Orion, you don’t have to do this,” I called out. “Whatever they injected you with, you can fight it.”

  Of course, maybe he was fighting it. I wouldn’t be sure until we got closer …

  Orion took a few cautious steps forward before strafing sideways. I kept near the wall, holding my wrists together like fish fins, just so the crowd could see how helpless I was.

  “Do it!” someone shouted from the crowd.

  “Finish her!” another shouted.

  Orion closed in on me, almost seeming to glide silently over the ground as he observed my every move.

  “Orion!” I called out.

  He was ten yards away and closing rapidly. He flinched at the sound of his name; maybe he wasn’t evil after all—

  Orion leapt at me, tensing his abdominals as he lashed out with his foot. I deflected it with my bound arms, nearly dropping the small rock concealed in my hand.

  “Orion!” I shouted.

  He narrowed his eyes and swung out with his fist; I ducked it.

  The words ONLY ONE CAN LIVE flashed up on the jumbotron. “Orion,” I said. “Are you in there? I know Typhon gave you some drug. Just give me a sign if you can hear me.”

  He gave me one of his awkward, exaggerated winks and I dropped my guard for just a moment. Extending his arm, he clotheslined me across the chest. The air whumped out of me before my back could strike the ground.

  So, Evil Orion it was: pride with a bit of wrath mixed in. I groaned as I rolled to avoid his stomping boot. GoneGodDamn! If I wasn’t careful, he was going to kill me …

  “Only one can live,” someone started chanting in the stands.

  I popped to my feet, sidestepping as I sawed at my wrist bindings with my tiny rock. Too bad my familiars were still sleeping off the knockout gas. They could morph into Libra and smack some sense into Orion with that giant brass scale.

  I was on my own.

  I edged backward, away from Orion while I locked eyes with him. “Don’t you remember me? I’m Theo—your partner.”

  At this, Orion grinned. “I certainly wouldn’
t mind having you in my bed. Perhaps in another life, if we weren’t rival combatants …” He licked his lips. This was definitely not my Orion. What had Orion been injected with—every Deadly Sin except Sloth?

  I took another step backward and found myself against the wall. Orion leapt at me, pinning me against it, his eyes dropping from my eyes to my … well, lower. With one forearm he kept me pressed against the wall. His other free hand clapped my waist, slid inward.

  “Of course, we don’t need a bed, now do we?”

  Chants and jeers shot up through the crowd. I managed a glance past Orion’s head at Typhon watching impassively from his cushy box seat.

  “What do you say, Tia, was it?” Orion grinned beneath his lush wavy hair and neatly trimmed beard and mustache. His free hand searched lower …

  “It’s Theo—” I headbutted him; he staggered back. The crowd oohed and ahhed like this was some performance of a gladiatorial arena-themed Westside Story.

  Orion silently laughed as he regained his composure, wiping blood from his lip. “Feisty. Only makes me want you more …”

  Oh come on … I sighed. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take—the physical beating and Orion’s lusty remarks. This mockery of Orion was everything my partner was not.

  I flashed a sideways glance at both of my shoulder pads. My familiars were still out cold. At least I was making some progress with the rock—

  Orion kicked out at me. I moved but not fast enough. I think he was going for my knee or thigh, a power kick meant to dislocate or shatter bone. His boot instead glanced off my hip, twirling me sideways to the Arena floor.