A Tramp Abroad — Volume 01

by Mark Twain

  One thinks Heidelberg by day--with its surroundings--is the lastpossibility of the beautiful; but when he sees Heidelberg by night, afallen Milky Way, with that glittering railway constellation pinned tothe border, he requires time to consider upon the verdict.

  One never tires of poking about in the dense woods that clothe allthese lofty Neckar hills to their beguiling and impressive charm in anycountry; but German legends and fairy tales have given these an addedcharm. They have peopled all that region with gnomes, and dwarfs, andall sorts of mysterious and uncanny creatures. At the time I am writingof, I had been reading so much of this literature that sometimes I wasnot sure but I was beginning to believe in the gnomes and fairies asrealities.

  One afternoon I got lost in the woods about a mile from the hotel, andpresently fell into a train of dreamy thought about animals which talk,and kobolds, and enchanted folk, and the rest of the pleasant legendarystuff; and so, by stimulating my fancy, I finally got to imagining Iglimpsed small flitting shapes here and there down the columnedaisles of the forest. It was a place which was peculiarly meet for theoccasion. It was a pine wood, with so thick and soft a carpet of brownneedles that one's footfall made no more sound than if he were treadingon wool; the tree-trunks were as round and straight and smooth aspillars, and stood close together; they were bare of branches to a pointabout twenty-five feet above-ground, and from there upward so thick withboughs that not a ray of sunlight could pierce through. The world wasbright with sunshine outside, but a deep and mellow twilight reigned inthere, and also a deep silence so profound that I seemed to hear my ownbreathings.

  When I had stood ten minutes, thinking and imagining, and gettingmy spirit in tune with the place, and in the right mood to enjoy thesupernatural, a raven suddenly uttered a horse croak over my head. Itmade me start; and then I was angry because I started. I looked up, andthe creature was sitting on a limb right over me, looking down at me.I felt something of the same sense of humiliation and injury whichone feels when he finds that a human stranger has been clandestinelyinspecting him in his privacy and mentally commenting upon him. I eyedthe raven, and the raven eyed me. Nothing was said during some seconds.Then the bird stepped a little way along his limb to get a better pointof observation, lifted his wings, stuck his head far down below hisshoulders toward me and croaked again--a croak with a distinctlyinsulting expression about it. If he had spoken in English he could nothave said any more plainly than he did say in raven, "Well, what do YOUwant here?" I felt as foolish as if I had been caught in some mean actby a responsible being, and reproved for it. However, I made no reply;I would not bandy words with a raven. The adversary waited a while, withhis shoulders still lifted, his head thrust down between them, andhis keen bright eye fixed on me; then he threw out two or three moreinsults, which I could not understand, further than that I knew aportion of them consisted of language not used in church.

  I still made no reply. Now the adversary raised his head andcalled. There was an answering croak from a little distance in thewood--evidently a croak of inquiry. The adversary explained withenthusiasm, and the other raven dropped everything and came. The two satside by side on the limb and discussed me as freely and offensively astwo great naturalists might discuss a new kind of bug. The thing becamemore and more embarrassing. They called in another friend. This was toomuch. I saw that they had the advantage of me, and so I concluded to getout of the scrape by walking out of it. They enjoyed my defeat as muchas any low white people could have done. They craned their necks andlaughed at me (for a raven CAN laugh, just like a man), they squalledinsulting remarks after me as long as they could see me. They werenothing but ravens--I knew that--what they thought of me could be amatter of no consequence--and yet when even a raven shouts after you,"What a hat!" "Oh, pull down your vest!" and that sort of thing, ithurts you and humiliates you, and there is no getting around it withfine reasoning and pretty arguments.

  Animals talk to each other, of course. There can be no question aboutthat; but I suppose there are very few people who can understand them.I never knew but one man who could. I knew he could, however, because hetold me so himself. He was a middle-aged, simple-hearted miner who hadlived in a lonely corner of California, among the woods and mountains,a good many years, and had studied the ways of his only neighbors, thebeasts and the birds, until he believed he could accurately translateany remark which they made. This was Jim Baker. According to Jim Baker,some animals have only a limited education, and some use only simplewords, and scarcely ever a comparison or a flowery figure; whereas,certain other animals have a large vocabulary, a fine command oflanguage and a ready and fluent delivery; consequently these latter talka great deal; they like it; they are so conscious of their talent,and they enjoy "showing off." Baker said, that after long and carefulobservation, he had come to the conclusion that the bluejays were thebest talkers he had found among birds and beasts. Said he:

  "There's more TO a bluejay than any other creature. He has got moremoods, and more different kinds of feelings than other creatures; and,mind you, whatever a bluejay feels, he can put into language. Andno mere commonplace language, either, but rattling, out-and-outbook-talk--and bristling with metaphor, too--just bristling! And as forcommand of language--why YOU never see a bluejay get stuck for a word.No man ever did. They just boil out of him! And another thing: I'venoticed a good deal, and there's no bird, or cow, or anything that usesas good grammar as a bluejay. You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well,a cat does--but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get topulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammarthat will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the NOISEwhich fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it'sthe sickening grammar they use. Now I've never heard a jay use badgrammar but very seldom; and when they do, they are as ashamed as ahuman; they shut right down and leave.

  "You may call a jay a bird. Well, so he is, in a measure--but he's gotfeathers on him, and don't belong to no church, perhaps; but otherwisehe is just as much human as you be. And I'll tell you for why. A jay'sgifts, and instincts, and feelings, and interests, cover the wholeground. A jay hasn't got any more principle than a Congressman. A jaywill lie, a jay will steal, a jay will deceive, a jay will betray; andfour times out of five, a jay will go back on his solemnest promise. Thesacredness of an obligation is such a thing which you can't cram intono bluejay's head. Now, on top of all this, there's another thing; ajay can out-swear any gentleman in the mines. You think a cat can swear.Well, a cat can; but you give a bluejay a subject that calls for hisreserve-powers, and where is your cat? Don't talk to ME--I know too muchabout this thing; in the one little particular of scolding--just good,clean, out-and-out scolding--a bluejay can lay over anything, human ordivine. Yes, sir, a jay is everything that a man is. A jay can cry,a jay can laugh, a jay can feel shame, a jay can reason and plan anddiscuss, a jay likes gossip and scandal, a jay has got a sense of humor,a jay knows when he is an ass just as well as you do--maybe better. Ifa jay ain't human, he better take in his sign, that's all. Now I'm goingto tell you a perfectly true fact about some bluejays."

  CHAPTER III

  Baker's Bluejay Yarn

  [What Stumped the Blue Jays]

  "When I first begun to understand jay language correctly, there was alittle incident happened here. Seven years ago, the last man in thisregion but me moved away. There stands his house--been empty ever since;a log house, with a plank roof--just one big room, and no more; noceiling--nothing between the rafters and the floor. Well, one Sundaymorning I was sitting out here in front of my cabin, with my cat, takingthe sun, and looking at the blue hills, and listening to the leavesrustling so lonely in the trees, and thinking of the home away yonder inthe states, that I hadn't heard from in thirteen years, when a bluejaylit on that house, with an acorn in his mouth, and says, 'Hello, Ireckon I've struck something.' When he spoke, the acorn dropped out ofhis mouth and rolled down the roof, of course, but he didn't care; hismind was all on the thing he had struc
k. It was a knot-hole in the roof.He cocked his head to one side, shut one eye and put the other one tothe hole, like a possum looking down a jug; then he glanced up withhis bright eyes, gave a wink or two with his wings--which signifiesgratification, you understand--and says, 'It looks like a hole, it'slocated like a hole--blamed if I don't believe it IS a hole!'

  "Then he cocked his head down and took another look; he glances upperfectly joyful, this time; winks his wings and his tail both, andsays, 'Oh, no, this ain't no fat thing, I reckon! If I ain't in luck!--Why it's a perfectly elegant hole!' So he flew down and got thatacorn, and fetched it up and dropped it in, and was just tilting hishead back, with the heavenliest smile on his face, when all of asudden he was paralyzed into a listening attitude and that smile fadedgradually out of his countenance like breath off'n a razor, and thequeerest look of surprise took its place. Then he says, 'Why, I didn'thear it fall!' He cocked his eye at the hole again, and took a longlook; raised up and shook his head; stepped around to the other side ofthe hole and took another look from that side; shook his head again. Hestudied a while, then he just went into the Details--walked round andround the hole and spied into it from every point of the compass.No use. Now he took a thinking attitude on the comb of the roof andscratched the back of his head with his right foot a minute, and finallysays, 'Well, it's too many for ME, that's certain; must be a mighty longhole; however, I ain't got no time to fool around here, I got to "tendto business"; I reckon it's all right--chance it, anyway.'

  "So he flew off and fetched another acorn and dropped it in, and triedto flirt his eye to the hole quick enough to see what become of it,but he was too late. He held his eye there as much as a minute; then heraised up and sighed, and says, 'Confound it, I don't seem to understandthis thing, no way; however, I'll tackle her again.' He fetchedanother acorn, and done his level best to see what become of it, but hecouldn't. He says, 'Well, I never struck no such a hole as this before;I'm of the opinion it's a totally new kind of a hole.' Then he begunto get mad. He held in for a spell, walking up and down the comb of theroof and shaking his head and muttering to himself; but his feelings gotthe upper hand of him, presently, and he broke loose and cussed himselfblack in the face. I never see a bird take on so about a little thing.When he got through he walks to the hole and looks in again for half aminute; then he says, 'Well, you're a long hole, and a deep hole, anda mighty singular hole altogether--but I've started in to fill you, andI'm damned if I DON'T fill you, if it takes a hundred years!'

  "And with that, away he went. You never see a bird work so since you wasborn. He laid into his work like a nigger, and the way he hove acornsinto that hole for about two hours and a half was one of the mostexciting and astonishing spectacles I ever struck. He never stopped totake a look anymore--he just hove 'em in and went for more. Well, atlast he could hardly flop his wings, he was so tuckered out. He comesa-dropping down, once more, sweating like an ice-pitcher, dropped hisacorn in and says, 'NOW I guess I've got the bulge on you by this time!'So he bent down for a look. If you'll believe me, when his head come upagain he was just pale with rage. He says, 'I've shoveled acorns enoughin there to keep the family thirty years, and if I can see a sign of oneof 'em I wish I may land in a museum with a belly full of sawdust in twominutes!'

  "He just had strength enough to crawl up on to the comb and lean hisback agin the chimbly, and then he collected his impressions andbegun to free his mind. I see in a second that what I had mistook forprofanity in the mines was only just the rudiments, as you may say.

  "Another jay was going by, and heard him doing his devotions, and stopsto inquire what was up. The sufferer told him the whole circumstance,and says, 'Now yonder's the hole, and if you don't believe me, go andlook for yourself.' So this fellow went and looked, and comes back andsays, 'How many did you say you put in there?' 'Not any less thantwo tons,' says the sufferer. The other jay went and looked again. Hecouldn't seem to make it out, so he raised a yell, and three more jayscome. They all examined the hole, they all made the sufferer tellit over again, then they all discussed it, and got off as manyleather-headed opinions about it as an average crowd of humans couldhave done.

  "They called in more jays; then more and more, till pretty soon thiswhole region 'peared to have a blue flush about it. There must have beenfive thousand of them; and such another jawing and disputing and rippingand cussing, you never heard. Every jay in the whole lot put his eye tothe hole and delivered a more chuckle-headed opinion about the mysterythan the jay that went there before him. They examined the house allover, too. The door was standing half open, and at last one old jayhappened to go and light on it and look in. Of course, that knocked themystery galley-west in a second. There lay the acorns, scattered allover the floor.. He flopped his wings and raised a whoop. 'Come here!'he says, 'Come here, everybody; hang'd if this fool hasn't been tryingto fill up a house with acorns!' They all came a-swooping down like ablue cloud, and as each fellow lit on the door and took a glance, thewhole absurdity of the contract that that first jay had tackled hit himhome and he fell over backward suffocating with laughter, and the nextjay took his place and done the same.

  "Well, sir, they roosted around here on the housetop and the trees foran hour, and guffawed over that thing like human beings. It ain't anyuse to tell me a bluejay hasn't got a sense of humor, because I knowbetter. And memory, too. They brought jays here from all over the UnitedStates to look down that hole, every summer for three years. Otherbirds, too. And they could all see the point except an owl that comefrom Nova Scotia to visit the Yo Semite, and he took this thing in onhis way back. He said he couldn't see anything funny in it. But then hewas a good deal disappointed about Yo Semite, too."

  CHAPTER IV

  Student Life

  [The Laborious Beer King]

  The summer semester was in full tide; consequently the most frequentfigure in and about Heidelberg was the student. Most of the studentswere Germans, of course, but the representatives of foreign landswere very numerous. They hailed from every corner of the globe--forinstruction is cheap in Heidelberg, and so is living, too. TheAnglo-American Club, composed of British and American students, hadtwenty-five members, and there was still much material left to drawfrom.

  Nine-tenths of the Heidelberg students wore no badge or uniform;the other tenth wore caps of various colors, and belonged to socialorganizations called "corps." There were five corps, each with a colorof its own; there were white caps, blue caps, and red, yellow, and greenones. The famous duel-fighting is confined to the "corps" boys. The"KNEIP" seems to be a specialty of theirs, too. Kneips are held, now andthen, to celebrate great occasions, like the election of a beer king,for instance. The solemnity is simple; the five corps assemble at night,and at a signal they all fall loading themselves with beer, outof pint-mugs, as fast as possible, and each man keeps his owncount--usually by laying aside a lucifer match for each mug he empties.

  The election is soon decided. When the candidates can hold no more, acount is instituted and the one who has drank the greatest number ofpints is proclaimed king. I was told that the last beer king electedby the corps--or by his own capabilities--emptied his mug seventy-fivetimes. No stomach could hold all that quantity at one time, ofcourse--but there are ways of frequently creating a vacuum, which thosewho have been much at sea will understand.

  One sees so many students abroad at all hours, that he presently beginsto wonder if they ever have any working-hours. Some of them have, someof them haven't. Each can choose for himself whether he will work orplay; for German university life is a very free life; it seems to haveno restraints. The student does not live in the college buildings, buthires his own lodgings, in any locality he prefers, and he takes hismeals when and where he pleases. He goes to bed when it suits him, anddoes not get up at all unless he wants to. He is not entered at theuniversity for any particular length of time; so he is likely to changeabout. He passes no examinations upon entering college. He merely paysa trifling fee of five or ten dollars, receives a card e
ntitling him tothe privileges of the university, and that is the end of it. He is nowready for business--or play, as he shall prefer. If he elects towork, he finds a large list of lectures to choose from. He selects thesubjects which he will study, and enters his name for these studies; buthe can skip attendance.

  The result of this system is, that lecture-courses upon specialtiesof an unusual nature are often delivered to very slim audiences,while those upon more practical and every-day matters of education aredelivered to very large ones. I heard of one case where, day after day,the lecturer's audience consisted of three students--and always thesame three. But one day two of them remained away. The lecturer began asusual--

  "Gentlemen," --then, without a smile, he corrected himself, saying--