Barefoot

by Daisy Burton

  Before all the shit happened, before he met Maire and spent two years betraying me. We had two good years, though, she tutted. Two years.

  The house felt like a different place now it was stripped bare, and that made it easier to say goodbye for the last time. Someone else could live their dream there now and she hoped they’d be happy there. She turned and shut the door behind her with determination and a wave of relief hit her.

  “Bye Marsh,” she whispered.

  *****

  When Sal went ‘round to tell the girls that the house had sold quickly, they were shocked at exactly how much they’d each have from the proceeds. She was surprised that they didn’t seem bothered that it was gone.

  “It’s cool,” Alex piped up. “I won’t miss it. I’ve never lived there, and I’ve got a couple of dad’s bits. We’ve got all his music, too.”

  “We will see you, still, though won’t we? And we can visit you on Christmas Eve, like before?” Blue piped up.

  She was always the one who cared, and she melted Sal, as she wrapped her arms around both of them. Uncharacteristically, Alex hugged her back.

  “Of course you will. I’d be so sad if you didn’t come ‘round,” Sal exclaimed, letting go of them. “I’ve got your rooms decorated exactly how you wanted, remember? I love you loads, don’t ever forget that. You’re always welcome at my place, both of you.”

  “Can I come with you now?” Blue asked, always eager to be around Sal.

  “Well, give me a chance to get sorted, first. You can come at the weekend, if you want to?”

  Blue leaped at the chance. Sal then took the opportunity to talk to them both about the importance of the money in securing their futures. She knew full well that if she’d been given nearly a hundred grand when she was their age, she’d have blown a large chunk on wildly inappropriate things. Both Alex and Blue listened and surprisingly agreed with Sal’s plan that their money should be put into trust funds for them until they were 25.

  They were good kids.

  *****

  The first official visitor Sal got that first day after Marsh’s house keys were handed to the new owners, was Jess. It was a hot, summers day, and her friend was pink and puffing when she arrived. Sal got the kettle on, as usual, and started chattering away about how lovely it was to be back in her own house after all these years, when Jess exploded.

  “Sal, SHUT UP a minute. I’m pregnant. And it’s all fine.”

  It was lucky that Sal had put the kettle down before Jess started speaking. She turned, and rushed over to Jess, throwing her arms around her and squealing. Then almost immediately, she pulled away, apologising.

  “Oh no, I shouldn’t have hugged you, should I?” Sal was holding both hands in the air, panicking that she’d hurt Jess. “Sorry… I…”

  “Christ, Sal, I’m four months’ pregnant, I’m not broken.” Jess grinned, still holding out her arms. “Well, not broken like that anyway. Come here, I liked that.”

  The two women hugged each other for ages.

  “Oh my god, that’s so bloody fantastic!” Sal whispered in Jess’s ear. “But why didn’t you tell me before? Four months? You must’ve been so worried since you found out.”

  Sal was mentally adding up how long Jess had been pregnant. It covered right back to before Marsh’s crash. When Sal stayed with her shortly before Marsh died, and Sal had been convinced Jess was uninterested and dismissive, she must have been hormonal and full of her own worries. She must have known that she was expecting by the time of the funeral, when she heard about Maire’s pregnancy. Yet she’d never let on. Sal’s heart filled with love for her friend.

  All that time when she thought she was losing Jess, when she wasn’t helping with the move, and Sal had no time to go and see what was wrong, it was all down to this. Of course she couldn’t lift boxes when she was so worried about her pregnancy!

  What a relief. She was still her friend.

  “Yeah, we didn’t dare tell anyone until now, in case we jinxed it. I got pregnant before I was supposed to. Remember they said I shouldn’t get pregnant again for six months?” Jess said, sitting down. “I didn’t even tell Adam for the first six weeks because I was so scared of what might happen. It was my fault if something horrible occurred.”

  “You didn’t tell your own husband you knew you were pregnant?” Sal exclaimed, horrified. “But that means you went through all that worry on your own? Oh Jess, mate, I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there for you.”

  “No, I chose not to tell you, Sal. You had so much going on, the time never felt right. I’m sorry I haven’t been around for you,” Jess apologised. “I know I’ve been a crap friend lately, but I’ve been avoiding people. I’ve been so worried I sort of closed up and didn’t see anyone.”

  “But everything’s okay with the baby? I mean…” Sal started, unsure of how to put it.

  “Yeah, we found out it wasn’t ectopic at eight weeks, but I was convinced I was going to miscarry, so I made Adam promise not to tell anyone. It’s so hard for me to keep things from you if I see you, though, you know that. Do you forgive me?”

  “Of course I do, you idiot,” Sal grinned. “I’m so happy for you two! It must’ve been such a relief to find out it was all okay.”

  Sal was relieved and ecstatic herself, so she couldn’t imagine how happy Jess and Adam must have been. She looked at Jess again and now she was out of the heat of the summer sun, the pink cheeks were actually a healthy glow. This pregnancy clearly agreed with her.

  “Yes, but weeks of worry and throwing up before that,” Jess reminded her. “I’m not dwelling on that, though. It’s all fine and we’re so excited. We’ve decided to wait ‘til it’s born to find out whether it’s a boy or a girl, ‘though, and I genuinely don’t care as long as it’s healthy.”

  “What about the band, though?” Sal asked. “I mean, surely you can’t juggle all that work and a newborn?”

  “Well, I don’t want to try, to be honest. I’m thinking of taking six months off to spend with this little one.” She smiled, lovingly cradling her just-showing belly. “But only if I can find someone I trust to cover for me. Are you coming back to work soon?”

  “I’m ready to go now,” Sal grinned. “In fact, I spoke to Troy last week. He said I can start back any time, they’ve apparently missed me.”

  “You’re telling me they have! No one captures them like you do, Sal. And I’ve been thinking for the last few weeks …”

  “…What…?” Sal was always cautious when Jess was like this. It usually meant something was coming her way.

  “Would you consider doing part of my job while I’m off?” Jess was obviously treading carefully. “Think about it for a bit, don’t say ‘no’ straight off. I know you haven’t worked for a while and it’ll take some time to settle back in, but I’ve got at least four months where I can train you before I go on maternity leave. Plus, you know, I’ll always be around if you need help. Please think about it, I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it.” She was gabbling now.

  Sal was dumbfounded. She hadn’t seen that one coming at all.

  “I’m so bad at juggling everything though, Jess,” Sal said cautiously. “I’m not like you. I’m not organised and techy. I don’t know how you do it.”

  It wasn’t only that. Sal knew only too well what a challenge it would be for her to take on because Jess wouldn’t be able to let go, even with a baby. She’d be asking Sal every five minutes what was happening.

  “I’ll show you, it’ll be fine,” Jess implored her. “It wouldn’t be the whole thing, either. Troy is taking over the promoting and coordinating ‘til I’m back. It’s mainly the stuff he’s crap at that you’d need to do – all the admin and organising. You’ve done that kind of work before, Sal, you’d be great. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you could do it.”

  A year ago, Sal wouldn’t have had the confidence to dream of taking so much on, but now? She needed something to concentrate on; to take her mind off all that ha
d happened in the last year, and she’d be able to get fully back into the flow with the band she loved, but in a different role.

  “Yeah, okay, why not,” she blurted, and hugged Jess again.

  The adventure was on.

  epilogue

  Cocooned in a duvet as she gradually came to, Sal decided that today was a good day to treat herself to a lie-in. She was happy to see that she was at home for once, alone in her own comfy bed, and she closed her eyes as she breathed in deeply. The room smelled of home and hotel beds were never as comfy as her own. Lawrence was pinning her to the bed as usual, and heating her nicely. She was in her happy place, and it didn’t get much better than this.

  She had dreamed she was a little girl, watching Marsh on stage in the band’s heyday, and it had left her feeling reminiscent but contented. She hadn’t had a chance to look back at how much her life had changed since Marsh had died, nearly two years ago. It had been quite a couple of years.

  She barely recognised herself now, and that was a good thing. She had made her own peace with Marsh’s memory and she could think – and dream – about him without it upsetting her. It was always nice to see his face in her dreams, whatever had happened between them.

  In the end, she had done Jess’s job for just over a year, which meant she’d spent a great deal of time with the band. She had befriended the guy who had taken on the huge task of replacing Marsh, and the fans had accepted him into the fold. It was still the band that Marsh had been a part of, but it had also morphed into something else in Sal’s eyes.

  She’d been thrown into a chaotic world of agents, promoters, play-lists, merchandise, programmes, riders and itineraries on Jess’s behalf. She had lapped it up and expanded her horizons, though she hadn’t slept well for weeks at the beginning. She had found the familiarity of her role as official band photographer comforting in a world that was so alien to her, but she had no time to mope or look back. It had shown her that she could do so much more than she’d ever taken on, and she relished being single and driven by her career.

  Jess had gone through a long and traumatic birth with her little boy, who they’d called Toby. Sal had been their first visitor, and had genuinely thought that he was the most beautiful baby she’d ever seen. He had a shock of dark hair like his dad, and the fattest, most gorgeous cheeks she’d ever seen on a baby. She wanted to kiss and smell his lovely baby skin endlessly. Until his nappy needed changing. Then she handed him back to Adam.

  It had been wonderful watching how Adam had stepped up to the plate of fatherhood. He became accomplished at feeding Toby and nappy-changing, while Jess had suffered an uncharacteristic but deep depression shortly after his birth. She had initially struggled to bond with Toby and she’d cried into Sal’s shoulder that she was a terrible mother, who wasn’t capable of looking after her child. Sal was there as much as she could be to support her friend, though she was out of the country often with her job. Adam had cooked, and taken on the housework in a regimented way.

  He had managed to organise a month’s leave to spend time with his new family. He was exactly what Jess needed at that point and he got her through the first few weeks with patience and kindness. Sal melted when she saw how Adam showed his love and admiration for his wife during that time, by caring for her and their baby so completely. But he had to return to work eventually, and together, Jess and Adam had decided to tentatively ask his mother to come and help once he had returned to work. Jess was so desperate that she agreed to it for a few weeks – something she would never have done if there had been any other option. It certainly wasn’t ideal, but his mum was now biting her tongue and being kinder to Jess than she had managed before. Maybe it was because Jess was clearly struggling, maybe because Jess had settled down and given her a first grandson. Sal wasn’t sure, but they seemed to be able to rock along well together and that made life easier for everyone.

  After a few weeks of that, Sal began to notice glimmers of the old Jess were starting to show through. Jess had begged Sal to let her get back to part of her job at least, as she needed time away from her ‘bloody mother-in-law and this incessant crying’. But Sal knew that was the worst thing she could do, and instead she supported Jess as much as she could while holding down two jobs. She encouraged her friend, assuring her that she was doing absolutely fine, and each time they spoke, Jess’s crying was a little shorter and a bit less desperate.

  Sal had surprised herself at how easily she had adapted to doing Jess’s job, alongside her own. She was able to do it effectively, whilst supporting her friend, often while she was in different time zone. Sal was trying to use every brain cell to focus on not screwing up for the band. The tours went off, almost without a hitch, and on those occasions when mistakes did happen, the band rallied and helped her to fix it. Mostly without complaining. Mostly.

  On the few occasions when she had some downtime at home, Sal divided her time between Blue and Alex, and Jess and Toby. She loved taking Toby for walks in the pram to give Jess a break, and she usually headed to the park. She chattered away to him as she pushed, and he was the sweetest-natured baby when she was with him. She gabbled at him, he gurgled happily at her and she melted each time he giggled. She would never have admitted to the odd playful fantasy that she was pushing her own baby around. She was enjoying being a godmother far more than she would ever have enjoyed motherhood.

  Eventually, Jess got the help she needed to overcome the postnatal depression that had crippled her. It meant that those awful feelings that had overshadowed the first months of Toby’s existence lifted to the point where she felt she could connect to her child. Sal watched as Jess gradually managed to look after her baby on her own and Adam took a deep breath and told his mother that she could step back. Sal was so proud of Jess for fighting through such a terrible condition, and she figured that it wouldn’t be too long before she would want to return to her job.

  Sal was happy and relieved when Jess eventually began to enjoy motherhood. She immersed herself in it, to the point where she wasn’t that interested in the band. Sal had never imagined she would see the day, but Jess barely asked any questions for several months, once she bonded with Toby.

  When Jess did finally decide to return to work, it was only part time and she job-shared her role with Sal. This worked so much better than anyone had anticipated, and it became a permanent arrangement. Sal was relieved because it had given her so much confidence, but she also welcomed the fact that she had a little time to herself. She’d come to understand why Jess had always been so focussed, and that focus was exactly what Sal had needed at that point in her life. It might even have saved her.

  Once she could breathe again, she flexed her step-mum muscles. The girls were turning into such different adults and Sal had her work cut out keeping up with their lives. The three of them went together to visit Marsh’s grave and leave flowers together on the anniversary of his death, and on Christmas Eve, before the usual pop and snack party. Alex had a boyfriend she’d apparently been with for ‘13 months, two weeks and six days’ the last time she’d spoken to her. Obviously, this meant that she came to visit less but they always enjoyed each other’s company when she did.

  Blue, on the other hand, came around often whenever Sal was home, and had often stayed overnight to start with. Now, though, she had a steady boyfriend and her visits were shorter and less frequent. They were extremely close, though, and she had decided to go to college to study photography, which Sal took as a massive compliment. Blue was planning to invest in some expensive kit as soon as she was allowed access to her dad’s trust money. She and Sal spent any time they could in the countryside, taking photos and then poring over their shots on the computer screen at home.

  Sal had finally been persuaded to hit the twenty-first century, and had invested in broadband so there was no longer any faffing around with dial-up. Blue was thrilled that her whining about needing to get the new technology had borne fruit and she took full advantage of it during her visits. Sal did
n’t mind - she would have done pretty much anything for her.

  Mel and Kate were well settled into their Derbyshire home and with one thing and another, Sal had barely seen them. They kept in contact over Skype when they could, and the knowledge that Mel was happy meant that Sal could stop worrying about her sister and focus on the job. They were in the middle of organising a pagan handfasting ceremony, as the closest thing they could get to being married. They had made enquiries about adopting a young child as well, so it seemed that everyone was settling down with families. Sal was happy for them all and relished her own freedom.

  The only drawback to her sister being in Derbyshire was that she had to leave Lawrence in a cattery whenever she was away. She had found a lovely small place to leave him each time, though, and the owner had taken quite a shine to him. She discovered that he lived in the lap of luxury in the owner’s house whenever she dropped him there. He was always grumpy when Sal came to pick him up.

  Maire hadn’t been in contact with anyone and had also dropped out of working with the band. Apparently, no one knew where she was or what had happened with her baby. Sal felt that this was for the best, all things considered, but she had set aside some of Marsh’s money for the child. If Maire ever decided to get in touch with her and a DNA test was carried out, the child would be well-provided for.

  She could hardly believe how well things had worked out for everyone, considering. The band were now as much a part of her life as when Marsh was alive, and she was incredibly close to them all. Even Troy had taken the time to tell her that they were pleased that she was working with them, and that Marsh would have been proud of her. She’d had a quiet cry after he was so uncharacteristically thoughtful.