How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “You should really let your friend finish,” said Queen Joe, quite politely.

  “After our forces engage the Four I’s fleet,” continued Lilly, “we hope to capture most of their attention. Then our other fleet can enter through the warp station and attack from their exposed rear. This push should force LePaco’s hand. He doesn’t want to risk getting blown out of space by a rogue attack; he will come to the surface with what he thinks is a superior force.”

  That does sound better, thought Duke.

  “What other force? More Gartoshians?” he asked.

  “No, Duke,” answered Lilly. “Most of our entire fleet sits on the other side of the planet.”

  “Then who?”

  “When Yvonne came and told us the good news about the support from Gartosh, she also was working on something through her own personal connections,” said Queen Joe with a mischievous grin. “Let’s just say that her networking has helped us even the playing field.”

  The monitor on the annex wall blinked and powered on.

  “Can you hear us? Is the transmission going through?” asked Lilly.

  The screen fizzled; then coalesced into an image. An image that made Duke LaGrange sick.

  “Are you kidding me? Maxx Gemstarr?”

  “Hey Duke,” Maxx said, waving to his rival. “Didn’t expect to see you again.”

  “You lot think that Maxx Gemstarr is going to turn the tide against that armada?” Duke stared at the rebels gathered around the monitor. “Really, Queen? Lilly? Did y’all go crazy?”

  Maxx began to laugh hysterically.

  “He did find a way to circumnavigate the communications jam,” reminded Lilly.

  “Duke, you are too funny,” Maxx began. “Maxx Gemstarr isn’t going to turn the tide singlehandedly.”

  Great, now he’s talking in third person.

  “Maxx Gemstarr and a really badass group of pissed-off Earthers are going to turn the tide,” said Gemstarr confidently.

  “Earth?”

  “Yes,” replied Lilly. “Yvonne reached out to Maxx about helping the cause. Just about that time, he was heading back to Earth to see if he missed anything on his search for Mazilda, but they were fighting off the Four I’s, and successfully. He got in touch with some of the leaders and they agreed to lend some firepower to our cause.”

  “And they just like to fight,” added Maxx. “And I think they were tired of fighting each other. We have about fifty of their best fighter class ships—some Irish, some Japanese, some from places that I’ve never heard of. I mean what type of name is Ghana?”

  Not Ghana be around after this attack, Duke mused.

  “And Ishiro’shea, I wanted to tell you that your friend, Yeop, said that he’ll meet you at Cyborg Joe’s when he’s done avenging the master, whatever that means.”

  Ishiro’shea radiated with happiness. His glance met his longtime friend’s.

  There goes our “live to fight another day” strategy, concluded Duke.

  The bunker shook ferociously as the overhead lighting intermittently blinked and lost power.

  Chapter 21

  Kill Them All!

  EVERYONE IN THE BUNKER REMAINED silent. Whether this was due to the massive surface assault rendering the ability to converse impossible, or the gathering of thoughts before what would likely be their last moments in this life, Duke didn’t know. He did know that opening salvo from the Four I’s force was lengthier than he would have liked.

  LePaco’s not leaving anything to chance, he thought.

  He turned to Queen Joe. “It’s kinda sad. The end of an era.”

  “What’s that, Duke?”

  “If—I’m sorry, when we go to the surface to fight these cats, Cyborg Joe’s is going to be gone. It’s gonna be harder to wrap my head around that than I thought.”

  “The bar will be fine,” the Queen replied flippantly. “It’s made of pretty stern stuff. Stuff that you or anyone in this universe wouldn’t understand.”

  “I don’t know. I’ve seen it show a bit of wear and tear over these last cycles, and none of that was anything like an all-out barrage by a fully-equipped armada.”

  “We shall see,” she replied calmly.

  “What about the portals?”

  “The portals are closed. It’s not like LePaco can walk in the front door of Joe’s and throw them in the back seat of his spaceship. There’s nuance to summoning them and even more to controlling them.”

  “I know he’s not going to take them. I just wasn’t aware if they could be destroyed,” Duke explained.

  “They’ll be okay too.”

  Earl wedged himself between Duke and Queen Joe. He wasn’t being rude—that wasn’t in Earl’s nature—he just sometimes didn’t have the best spatial recognition.

  “Our feed is back up, Queen,” he said in a throaty baritone. “We have full-range scanning of Kelt and the immediate space outside the planet’s atmosphere.”

  “Great work, Earl. Let’s get it up and we can start to plan our counter.”

  The bombings were still rocking the bunker but the frequency was finally starting to lessen. It was now possible to finish a complete sentence without being knocked over by a detonation. The Queen and those in her makeshift inner circle—Po’l, Lilly, Gha, Lutra, the Keltian couple, an aging Sabromm called Gerald, and a representative of the Hausen-Ra contingent—encircled the large monitor. Earl, with the aid of three Keltians, hooked up four other monitors to create a workable command center.

  What appeared on the screens was shocking, though not unexpected. One of the cameras surveyed the immediate area outside of Joe’s and panned up to provide intel on the damage to Oldish Kelt, where the bombings were concentrated. It was barren. Forests demolished. Hills flattened. Buildings toppled. The buildings had already been in a bad way following the Battle of Oldish Kelt, but were now simply heaps of rubble. As the feed showed a wider swath of land, it became clear that the Four I’s attack force had not only concentrated its firepower around Joe’s—it had totally ignored the rest of the planet. This, of course, was good news for the hidden Gartoshians and any bunker outside of the bombing zone.

  “Anything on their fleet?”

  The Glyptodian barkeep pointed to one of the side monitors. It displayed a clear view of the armada. Other than the results of Blop, the Blop from Blop and his suicide run to allow Duke and Ishiro’shea to reach the planet, the fleet remained intact and unharmed. The two-hundred-plus ships, supported by a massive Armada Titan, hadn’t even broken a sweat.

  The primary screen scratched and whirled.

  “What’s going on?” asked the Queen.

  “I don’t know,” replied Earl. “I think someone is hacking our feed.”

  Ishiro’shea darted past the members of the inner circle to sit beside Earl. After only a handful of taps, pokes, and keystrokes, the erratic noise stopped. The ninja pointed to the primary screen.

  “Or someone wants to say ‘hello,’” added Duke.

  On the screen, in living color, was Admiral Lothario LePaco. In typical LePaco fashion, he was grinning and plucking his wispy mustache. The beautiful, violet-haired assassin, Mazilda Cloax, stood directly behind his left shoulder.

  “Good to see you again, Queen,” LePaco began. “Always a pleasure. From the lack of dead bodies showing up on my scans, I’m guessing that you and your ragtag bunch of imbeciles are camping out below ground. That might have saved you from the first bombing run, but by bombing run fifty, I’m not so sure.”

  “We’ll take our chances, Admiral,” replied Queen Joe decisively.

  “And your people there, you speak for them? Those that are supporting this foolish endeavor—all they have to do is convince you to give me the Orb and this will all be over.”

  “So you can control the universe?”

  “I’ll admit, I will have a power unmatched by any being in the history of this fair universe and this fair dimension. Yeah. And it might take some time getting used to planets organize
d by the good people at Intergalactic Infrastructure Improvement, Incorporated… but you’ll be alive.” He cleared his throat and straightened his posture. “If you can hear me, everyone,” he said in a close approximation to a booming voice, “just get the Orb from this charlatan. She has betrayed you. She has lied to you. Bring it to me and this will all be over. Everyone will be safe.”

  There was little more than a murmur amongst the people that LePaco claimed were being lied to by the Queen.

  Clearly, they are loyal, almost to a fault, thought Duke.

  Po’l stepped in front of the Queen. With the formality of a politician, he said, “On behalf of the planet of Neprius and our fearless leader, Ja’a of the Southern Land Mass, we reject your offer, Admiral. We reject your offer and we condemn your actions wholeheartedly.”

  Lutra, the Hilterian representative, made her way to the front. “As a representative of the peaceful planet of Hilteria, I formally denounce the actions of Admiral Lothario LePaco—”

  Before she could finish her statement, Gha the Goother Rat cut her off. “The Goother Rats of Gurlf solemnly pledge their allegiance to the cause of capturing or, preferably, killing the heinous murderer and tyrant, Lothario LePaco.”

  “For his egregious and unforgivable war crimes and the destruction of much of our beloved planet of Kelt,” the Keltian duo said in unison, “our leaders have authorized us to declare Admiral Lothario LePaco a being that should be executed upon capture.”

  A member of every race represented in the bunker stepped before the monitor, looked LePaco directly in his beady eyes, and denounced his aims, actions, and his existence. What the Queen’s army lacked in firepower, it made up for in grit.

  LePaco interrupted the stream of those declaring their opposition to his rule. “Fine, fine, fine. I get it. You don’t like me. You don’t want me to rule you. So, unfortunately, that means one thing. You’re all going to die. And when I’m done here on Kelt, I’ll make sure to personally see to the genocide of each of your races. This universe will go on without Goother Rats—for which, I’m sure I’ll win some type of award—Hilterians—though I’ll miss those neoprene suits—Sabromms, Neprians—and no one will even notice that one—”

  His rambling was cut short by Lilly. The Gartoshian musk ox said, “Admiral LePaco. The government of Gartosh and all of its moon colonies has declared open war on you, your allies from Jungafallow III, the Tardasian System, and the Four I’s organization.”

  “Who cares?” blurted LePaco. “Don’t you all get it? I don’t care. I’m going to kill you all.”

  Lilly, undeterred by the screaming madman, continued with her formal decree. “As with any interstellar conflict that befalls the Gartoshian government, we offer the opportunity to discuss a truce prior to conflict.”

  “You’re kidding me? You have to be kidding me,” LePaco cackled, eyes rolling. “These declarations, or whatever, don’t mean anything. You are all going to—”

  Mazilda whispered something into the admiral’s ear.

  “What?” he shouted in response. “We just lost what? How many?”

  Cloax began to whisper again but the admiral pushed her away.

  “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. A few Gartoshian ships are nothing more than a minor hindrance. A nuisance. Remember that, Gartoshian, your ploy is going to accomplish nothing other than seeing the crews on these ships smashed into stardust at my hands. And I’ll make sure to push the button myself when I blow up your crummy planet and all of its crummy moons. Kill them all!”

  The admiral ended the communication.

  Chapter 22

  Duck and Weave

  AS FAR AS DUKE COULD determine from the makeshift command center in the bunker below Cyborg Joe’s, the Gartoshian fleet was more than a nuisance for the much larger Four I’s armada. The attackers were focusing on thinning the ranks of the Attack Class Scout ships; their strategy was to avoid the heavier hitters like the battle cruisers, leaving those for the reinforcements. It was an intelligent plan, executed properly.

  “Earl, patch in Maxx,” requested the Queen. “The Gartoshians have done their part.”

  Duke glanced at Lilly. Her smile radiated pride. Her people had done more than their part; indeed, they might have turned the tide.

  The screen continued to flash but Maxx Gemstarr’s image did not appear. Normally, this would have thrilled Duke but in the circumstances, it was bad. Real bad.

  “What’s wrong? Where is he?” pleaded the Queen.

  Ishiro’shea joined Earl to try and troubleshoot the issue but the screen just kept crackling.

  “I think they’re jamming us again,” said Lutra, the Hilterian ambassador. “Maybe they figured out Gemstarr’s workaround?”

  “This complicates things,” said Queen Joe.

  The Four I’s began to recall their scouts, likely sensing that they were losing more dogfights with the Gartoshians than they were winning. The rebel fleet appeared comically minuscule and insignificant drifting around the massive armada like gnats, trying to lure out ships to engage. With every moment that Gemstarr’s invasion force remained hidden, LePaco’s battle cruisers came closer to encircling the Gartoshians. The proud musk oxen warriors were slowly being trapped.

  This isn’t good, thought Duke. Damn, Gemstarr, show yourself!

  Lilly rushed to one of the side monitors. “Can you get ahold of Yvonne?”

  The Glyptodian barkeep, now communications specialist, patched in The Furry Mountain of Moon Colony #1.

  “Yvonne, we lost contact with Maxx,” said Lilly. “You need to abort and retreat.”

  “I’m not so sure that’s going to be possible. They have us surrounded pretty good,” Yvonne replied. “No sweat though, we’ll hold them off as long as we can. I’m sure Maxx will figure it out.”

  “I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Duke smirked.

  The Queen flashed him a nasty snarl.

  Wait, did I say that out loud?

  “Seriously, Yvonne,” said Lilly, “get out of there.”

  “No. Our mission is to cause problems by taking out as many ships as we can. And we’re going to do that. Until we have not a single ship operational.”

  “You mean until you’re dead,” countered Lilly.

  “We promised a service and we’re going to deliver. It’s for the right cause. We can’t let this maniac take over our universe. Whether Maxx comes or not, we’re going to try and force these bastards to the surface. When they’re there, promise me one thing, Lilly?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Punch as many of these sons of bitches in the face as you can. Show them what it means to be a Miss Bovine Boxer.”

  Yvonne winked as she ended the transmission.

  The battle cruisers began to unleash a crippling barrage of firepower on the undermanned Gartoshian fleet, but the brave musk oxen charged as if they were the overpowering force. The battle cruisers picked off many of the advancing ships but the Gartoshians were undeterred. Yvonne and the pilots of three other craft collectively incapacitated a cruiser. Then another. The Attack Class Scouts rejoined the ranks. A few of the Tardasian and Jungafallowian Fighters replaced them at the front line.

  The Gartoshians, though valiant, could not withstand the closing fist of the Four I’s fleet.

  Amidst the chaotic scramble, two ships moved beyond the battle cruisers and headed deeper into the heart of the Four I’s armada.

  “What are they doing?” asked Lutra. “Are they abandoning the fight?”

  “They can’t be deserting—that’s Yvonne,” said Lilly. “She wouldn’t—”

  Duke cut her off. “They aren’t running away, they’re running to the warp station. They’re going to go get Maxx’s sorry ass.”

  The two Gartoshian vessels were cruising through a dense concentration of enemy ships, taking some damage, dealing out some, but they appeared to be mostly focused on getting to the warp station. Unfortunately, a massive battle cruiser stood in their way. And behind it, another battl
e cruiser.

  “They’re sitting ducks,” shouted Gha. “Those cruisers have their route blocked.”

  The Gartoshian ships maneuvered into single file and kept pushing at a rapid rate.

  “No, they aren’t,” chimed in the bounty hunter. “They’re going to get through.”

  “How?” asked Lilly.

  “In the most honorable way possible.”

  Yvonne’s ship charged the first battle cruiser at maximum velocity. She had the forward armaments on full bore but her intention wasn’t to shoot down the more powerful Four I’s ship.

  She was going to ram it. She was going to sacrifice her life.

  “Yvonne, don’t—” screamed Lilly, hitting the control panel to try and establish a communications link to her fellow Gartoshian.

  Ishiro’shea and Duke embraced her simultaneously. They knew what was going to happen.

  The explosion lit up the celestial canvas. It was brighter and more magnificent than any of the plasma cannons or lasers. Yvonne’s collision ignited the first battle cruiser, which instantly became a fireball the size of a planetoid, obstructing the view of the second battle cruiser. The trailing Gartoshian ship slipped through the carnage and darted directly for the warp station, with the enemy none the wiser.

  Duke immediately thought of Blop and his similar gesture that had allowed him and Ishiro’shea to reach Kelt and the resistance. Yvonne’s was equally as magnificent and honorable.

  Only a few hard-to-capture Gartoshian ships remained. Their duck and weave tactics were losing their duck and were becoming a tad short on weave. The numerical advantage was now too much. Furthermore, there was no sign that Maxx and his alleged Earth allies had been successfully contacted. As time ticked away, the hopes of forcing LePaco to the surface of Kelt dwindled.

  “You don’t think that Gemstarr set this whole thing up, do you?” Duke whispered to Ishiro’shea. He looked around to make sure no one had heard him. He didn’t want to diminish the already waning morale.