How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  The ninja shook his head violently.

  “Okay. If you’re that sure, little buddy. I’m with you.”

  The screen blinked again.

  “Maxx!” shouted a Keltian. “It has to be Maxx trying to reach us!”

  Earl brought up the visual. Groans echoed around the bunker with as much force as the sounds of the bombing runs.

  “Hello again, everybody,” chuckled Admiral LePaco. “That was cute. You had me for a second. But, as I was saying before, you are all going to die!”

  The image on one of the side view screens caught Duke’s eye. He moved in front of Queen Joe to stare directly at LePaco.

  “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” began the admiral. “Duke LaGrange. I’m surprised that you’re still alive, with all the trouble you get into. When I’m done squashing these last few Gartoshians, I’m going to make sure to detonate a few extra special bombs right on top of Cyborg Joe’s, in your honor.”

  The bounty hunter smiled and tipped his hat to the admiral.

  The admiral was jolted, crashing to the floor.

  Chapter 23

  Maxx and The Earthers

  DUKE ALMOST FELT BAD FOR the low regard in which he had held Earth until now. They were an advanced race, technologically-speaking, and had been a key player in the expansion of planetary trade. However, apparently, they weren’t advanced enough to exit the pattern of major conflicts that threatened their existence every hundred cycles or so. They were the only known civilization that numbered their “world wars” and even added catchy subtitles for dramatic effect. This began as far back as most Earthers could remember: World War II – The War to End All Wars; World War V – South Pacific Rage; World War VII – Kings Versus Presidents; World War IX – Super Mega Fight Supreme; World War XI – Whose God is the Most Right? The last of these was a fan favorite within the Andromeda Galaxy.

  But the years of conflict and turmoil must have infiltrated the very DNA of the Earth human, because they were good at it. The Four I’s forces had struggled with the flightiness of the Gartoshian attack but they regrouped and used their significant numbers to regain the advantage. The Earth force was not much larger than the fleet of heroic musk oxen, but now the Four I’s fleet was beyond flustered. The humans’ patterns of attack were irregular. Some ships worked in tandem, others engaged independently; there was no leader and no coordination. This confused the orderly Four I’s greatly.

  Ishiro’shea pointed at the monitor, which displayed a ship that was bulky but agile. It had just blasted an Attack Class Scout with a bright green laser and was turning its attention to a Jungafallowian Fighter. The vessel sported a giant shamrock insignia on its flank.

  “Irish?” asked Duke.

  The ninja nodded.

  “And I’m guessing that one’s from the Japanese gangs?”

  Ishiro’shea nodded again. Onscreen, a trio of sleek, elegant craft executed a synchronized barrage that sliced a Tardasian ship into tattered ribbons.

  Having bought some much-needed breathing room, the remaining Gartoshian ships doubled back and resumed hunting the Four I’s scouts.

  The most unremarkable ship was a saucer-like pod zigging and zagging through the carnage.

  “Zoom in on that, Earl,” said Duke. “Where’s that little guy from?”

  The Glyptodian maximized the image just in time for them to witness the tiny ship’s hidden ace. Electric blue lasers extended from its flanks and hung limp like a towing cable. The pod began to spin furiously, whipping the lasers to form a deadly circular saw.

  Ishiro smiled.

  Yeop, surmised Duke.

  The vessel spun at a speed that made it unrecognizable as a spacecraft. It clipped a few nearby scout ships en route to its destination: a Four I’s battle cruiser. The diminutive saucer approached the hulking cruiser without so much as a warning shot. As the neon saw made contact with the cruiser’s hull, it set off a chain reaction of destruction. The battle cruiser tried to belatedly turn its attention to the tiny invader, but its attacks only damaged itself. Yeop’s buzzsaw cut through the outer hull and then the tiny craft disappeared. Moments later, it emerged from the other side of the cruiser, ceased spinning, and jetted away to a patch of clear space. The battle cruiser had been cut in two.

  Inside the bunker, the mood was becoming ever more positive. The renewed sense of hope was palpable. The Four I’s force still maintained a numbers edge on Maxx, Yeop, and the Earthers, but it was now a much more evenly-matched battle. Neither looked to be able to claim a decisive victory. And that played into the Queen and her followers’ plan.

  “You know what? You guys are really pissing me off!” shouted Admiral LePaco from the screen.

  “Did you patch him in?” the Queen asked Earl.

  “I think he’s found a way to override our comms,” replied the furry bartender.

  “Yes, I did,” smirked LePaco. “It’s not that hard, especially with your operation. So you think you’re so smart, and that these savage Earthers are going to take out my forces. It doesn’t matter. I came to get the Orb, and get it I will. You’re about to feel the full might of Admiral LePaco!”

  The admiral’s eyes were bulging, his nostrils flaring, and Duke could almost feel the tension of his clenched jaw through the transmission.

  “This revolt ends now,” the maniacal tyrant declared before ending the transmission.

  The ancillary monitors showed several sections of the Four I’s force breaking off and heading toward the Keltian surface. The plan was working.

  That bastard Gemstarr did it, Duke concluded reluctantly. Maybe he’s not such an ass after all.

  Maxx appeared on the primary view screen seconds after LePaco ended his communication.

  “I did it, guys. Maxx Gemstarr always delivers,” he boasted, flashing his trademark smile, soaked in self-satisfaction.

  Never mind.

  There was an excitement in the bunker. Despite the fact that many of these soldiers wouldn’t live to have another drink at Cyborg Joe’s, they were all jazzed that their plan had successfully made it to phase two.

  “LePaco is likely to provide ground cover with some of his Attack Class Scouts,” stated Joe. “We just have to survive this, like we’ve been doing the entire time. We want him to get those troop transports on the ground. When he does, we’ll send out a few of ours around Joe’s.”

  “So he’ll think that’s the extent of our resistance?” asked the male Keltian.

  “Yes. And so he’ll concentrate his attack on Joe’s,” added Lutra.

  “Or what’s left of Joe’s,” chimed in Duke. His commentary was ignored.

  “Once we engage, then our satellite bunkers will attack from behind the enemy lines,” continued the Hilterian ambassador. “When LePaco’s troops turn their attention to our surprise squadrons, then our reserves here will make themselves known.”

  The Hausen-Ra commanders raised their swords in unison.

  “Your readiness is not in question” said Lutra, acknowledging the skeletal warriors. “If all goes well, the Gartoshian land force will provide the last bit of offense that we need to win the day.”

  “And prevent an escape,” concluded Queen Joe.

  “Yes, Queen. That’s the long and short of it, everyone. Any objections?”

  The crowd silently nodded affirmation.

  “What about if LePaco does turn his ships on the ground forces?” asked the Nova Texan.

  Laughter rose around him. The beings around Duke showed disbelief on their faces.

  “No, really,” Duke added. “What if LePaco—”

  “I know he’s a crazed maniac, but even the admiral wouldn’t turn his guns on his own people.”

  “If it helped him get the Orb, he would.”

  The subtle chuckles became hearty belly laughs.

  Queen Joe hushed the crowd. “Duke, it’s a risk that we’re going to have to take.” She turned her attention to the greater mass in the bunker. “It is now our time. We must cont
inue the efforts of those brave fighters in the sky that gave their lives to give us this chance. Let us all prepare for our final stand. We stand together, Keltian, Hilterian, Hausen-Ra, Psitakki, Sabromm, Neprian, Earther, Gartoshian. Everyone. LePaco’s push towards domination ends now.”

  The group erupted into cheers.

  Chapter 24

  Phase Two

  AS EXPECTED, LEPACO’S FORCES SWEPT over Oldish Kelt, unleashing an impressive load of explosives. However, as none of the Queen’s army was on the surface, the bombing wasn’t overly effective—unless you were a tree or a rock or a patch of shrubbery that had managed to survive the last few raids. Then it sucked.

  “Their transports are landing,” said Earl, his voice crackling through the communication device that Queen Joe held. “Our prognostications are holding true. They should be visible from the front steps of the bar.”

  “Great, Earl. If things go sideways, I just want to thank you for everything.”

  The Glyptodian did not respond, but Duke thought he heard a subtle whimper from the device.

  It would be quite a sight to see a Glyptodian, seven feet of fur-covered mass, reduced to tears.

  “We’ll make our way through the bar and then fan out as we exit,” commanded Joe. “We want them to notice us. Make yourselves big. Fire pulses into the air. You don’t need to even hit anything. Just make them aware of us.”

  “You mean what’s left of the bar,” interjected Duke. “I don’t think it’s going to give us much cover after all of these attacks.”

  The Queen did not acknowledge the bounty hunter and proceeded to give orders to the select squad chosen to draw the attention of the Four I’s ground force. Queen Joe was included because she could make the biggest scene. Lightning bolts shooting from her fingertips with giant whirly tornadoes surrounding her arms would be a good start to getting noticed. Duke was included for the same reason: he had Ol’ Betsy, and she could make a ton of noise. Ishiro’shea joined them because that was what sidekicks did. Duke had loaned him his laser revolver after making a joke to Ishiro about reflecting the sun from his sword to burn the invading enemies like ants. His partner had not seen the humor. Lutra, the Hilterian, and a host of Keltian volunteer soldiers rounded out the squad. Po’l stayed with the forces in the bunker, including the Hausen-Ra, since he was selected to lead that charge. Lilly remained in the base as well, as she was the point of contact to her brethren on the other side of the planet. Gha stayed back because he was so short that he wasn’t likely to get noticed by the Four I’s soldiers, even if he had a bazooka strapped to his shoulder.

  “Now!” shouted Queen Joe. She motioned the group to make its way through the basement of Cyborg Joe’s and up to the main level.

  They emerged from the cellar to find the bar pretty much intact. Sure, the rogue neon sign had fallen off the wall. There were some broken martini glasses. A few barstools had toppled over. A grease fire or two burned from the kitchen area. But, all in all, it wasn’t too far off from a normal night at Cyborg Joe’s.

  “How... what... how did...” Duke stammered.

  The Queen looked back at the confused bounty hunter. “I told you it was made of some pretty stern stuff.”

  Queen Joe blasted electric charges into the air, lobbing some as far as the transport ships themselves. Duke gave Ol’ Betsy the stage and had her belt out a solo that shook the clouds. Lutra, an accomplished sniper—as were most Hilterians—picked off a few unsuspecting Four I’s watchmen in the shadows of the largest transport ship. The Keltians screamed. A lot. And it was loud. Louder than the blaster pulses that they fired aimlessly into the air. It was soon apparent that the Four I’s forces had noticed the rebels. Troops started to pour out of their ships and head toward the galaxy’s loudest bar.

  “There has to be fifty thousand of them and counting,” commented a Keltian soldier.

  “I think more than that,” added another.

  “Fifty thousand—” began Lutra.

  “Or more,” interrupted another Keltian.

  “Yes, fifty thousand or more—to what? A dozen? Those odds aren’t the greatest I’ve encountered,” continued the Hilterian.

  “But they aren’t the worst we’ve had,” added Duke. “Right, Ish?”

  The ninja agreed. The Hilterian shook her head.

  “Seriously,” the bounty hunter continued, “this one time on—what’s the name of that planet, Ish?”

  His thought was interrupted by an explosion a mere ship’s length in front of them.

  “Holy hedgehogs, that was close!”

  Duke retaliated with a counterblast from Betsy. He wasn’t sure if he killed anything at that distance, but he was pretty confident he at least hurt someone.

  The Queen stepped to the front of the configuration. Just as she had done before, she became entrenched in a cosmic trance. Clouds of smoky gas consumed her hands. In a flash, she heaved a flurry of electric bolts into the approaching army. She repeated this over and over.

  Though successful, it seemed to prompt the forces to pick up their speed. And it seemed like the stream from the transports was never-ending.

  The Four I’s sent more long-range projectiles towards the group of rebels. Their aim left something to be desired; the explosions erupted behind Cyborg Joe’s.

  “Back in the bar, now!” shouted Queen Joe. “Now!”

  The group retreated into the confines of the sturdy infrastructure.

  Joe grabbed her communications device. “Earl, send them in!”

  The sounds of the marching juggernaut were steady, and steadily increasing in volume. But then they stopped. What had been orderly and organized, even amidst the Queen’s lightning strikes and blasts from Betsy, became chaotic. This was not like the good folks of Intergalactic Infrastructure Improvement, Incorporated.

  They’re distracted, thought Duke.

  At this realization, he looked at Queen Joe. She returned a wry grin.

  “Phase two is on,” she said to her team.

  Lutra returned from the front steps of Cyborg Joe’s.

  “They’re fully engaged with the troops from the satellite bunkers. Unbelievable. They just assumed that we were the last remaining soldiers,” she said.

  “Excellent,” said Joe. “It’s time we make this into a Four I’s sandwich.”

  She raised her communications device. “Earl, tell Po’l that he’s up. He can send some up through the basement. The main force can use the back exit, the one the Hausen-Ra used.”

  “It has been communicated,” said the Glyptodian. “Good luck.”

  “You too, Earl.”

  Before Earl could sign off, the soldiers flowed from the basement door, through the bar, and out into the skirmish. This squad consisted of Keltians, Sabromms, and Psitakki and were led by the feisty Goother Rat, Gha. Po’l’s force, a combined unit of Keltians and Hausen-Ra, was likely exiting through the back of the bunker to meet up with Gha and complete the final clamp on the Four I’s contingent. Phase two was in full effect.

  “What now?” Duke asked Queen Joe. “What do you want us to do? Join ‘em?”

  “As much as we’d love to have you out there fighting the Four I’s soldiers, I need you, Ishiro’shea, and Lutra to help me get to LePaco. He’s here, and we need to either capture him along with the other two artifacts, or kill him.”

  “You think he’s here on the surface?”

  “I do. Possibly in the back, near the transports. I have a feeling that he’s a let-my-army-clear-me-a-path kinda guy.”

  “No argument there,” replied Duke. “So...”

  “So, we blast our way to those transports,” she proclaimed.

  The Queen’s wry grin grew even wryer.

  Chapter 25

  A Queen and Her Portal

  “HE HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE by those ships,” shouted Queen Joe as she sent a group of Four I’s infantrymen into the air with an explosive lightning strike. Another subsequent blast cleared an even wider path for the foursome
to advance.

  “We still have a long way to go,” added Lutra. She rattled off three pulses, knocking down three soldiers with her impeccable marksmanship. “I’m just hoping that he’s still there when we make it. He could run if he sees the odds are turning.”

  Duke knelt down and fired Ol’ Betsy, giving the invading quartet even more room.

  “Thanks, Duke,” said Queen Joe. “I don’t think he views this battle here as anything that can be ‘won’ or ‘lost.’ I think this is just a necessary mechanism to get me out in the open.” She paused and whipped a few more deadly bolts into the Four I’s forces. “Or at least in a situation where I can be captured. Or more accurately, the Orb.”

  Ishiro’shea slashed his katana through a pair of well-armed soldiers.

  Though their view was narrowly focused on the forces blocking their path to the transport ships, it was apparent that the Queen’s strategy to envelop the Four I’s army was working. Duke could even hear and see some of the advancing Keltians from the satellite bunkers making their way to the center of the battle. The Hausen-Ra—noted warriors, especially in close-quarters hand-to-hand combat—were simply overwhelming their opponents. This had the makings for a decisive victory.

  “I’m afraid you’re right, Queen,” screamed Duke, in between blasts from Betsy.

  “About what?”

  “LePaco. He doesn’t care about his soldiers and this fight. No more than he cares about ours. But that brings us to a really big issue.”

  “And what’s that?” asked Joe.

  “Yeah, what’s that?” added Lutra.

  “Those.”

  Approaching from the sky, barely higher than the tallest building in Oldish Kelt—before the recent bombings, that is—was an attack squad. Ten or so Attack Class Scouts dashed over the battlefield and let loose an artillery barrage, spraying a combination of lasers and short-range missiles across both forces. Explosions overwhelmed large expanses of the battlefield. Duke and Ishiro’shea dove to the ground to avoid the long, erratic reach of the shrapnel. Queen Joe ended up on her stomach next to the bounty hunters.