How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “I can’t believe he—” she began, then corrected herself. “No, I can absolutely believe that he would fire on his own men. It’s my fault for only expecting rational tactics from him. This is my fault.”

  Duke wanted to take credit for considering that this was a possibility, but he knew this was not the time. Barely anything is ideal when one is being shot at by an entire attack squad of spaceships. The frequency of the explosions increased. The casualties on both sides were beginning to mount. Duke fired Betsy into the air, hoping to hit something, but judging by the consistent barrage being unleashed from the air, it was clear that he had not.

  “Do we have any air support?” yelled Duke through the hysteria. “Can Lilly send in the Gartoshian troops? Maybe they’ve got some cannons on that transport.”

  Joe simply flashed her communication device. It was damaged beyond repair.

  Shit.

  “We need to do something,” shouted Lutra. “We can’t survive this much longer.”

  The Queen clambered to her feet. Once again, she entered her trance. The air began to whirl around her, smoke clouding up around her hands. She raised her right hand and flung a series of bolts into the air. One clipped a ship and sent it hurtling into the Keltian soil, where it erupted into a huge fireball. She sent another wave out, knocking out another two ships. The remaining ships in the fleet peeled off and reengaged, focusing their firepower squarely on Queen Joe.

  The inter-dimensional bar owner crouched down as the fighters approached, turning her back to the aircraft. A velvet bag hung from her right hip, barely noticeable. In the hectic fury of war, these details are often overlooked, even by the keenest observer. Duke hadn’t noticed it until now. But, as the most powerful single entity that he had come across in his many travels turned her back to an airborne onslaught, that’s all he could notice. Queen Joe reached into the bag and pulled something. She held aloft a glowing violet sphere. The Orb.

  The smoky gas that engulfed her ceased. All that remained were the Queen and her Orb. She thrust the sphere in the direction of the attacking ships. Violet beams emerged from the mysterious artifact and fanned out across the Keltian sky. Four of the ships disintegrated immediately. The remaining three circled and regrouped.

  The Four I’s vessels surrounded Queen Joe and closed in, their pulses targeted squarely on her. The Orb sent out what looked like twisted vines, electrified and radiating bright purple. The vines absorbed the entire round of laser blasts from the Four I’s aircraft, knocking out two of the ships in a beautiful explosion. The surviving Keltian vessel swooped away, presumably in order to rejoin the much more predictable battle in space.

  The ground forces on both sides were all stunned. They did not resume hand-to-hand warfare. Now both sides understood that they were targets of LePaco’s assault.

  I’m sure they’re questioning what side they’re on, thought Duke.

  “So did we win?” asked a Keltian solider who had tried to find cover from the attack near Duke and Ishiro’shea. “Did she just win the war?”

  Duke started to answer but was distracted. LePaco clearly didn’t think anything was over.

  Casting a shadow over the entire area around Cyborg Joe’s was a fully-equipped battle cruiser. More than fully-equipped.

  “Holy hedgehogs, they spared no expense on this one. I’ve seen Titans with less firepower,” remarked Duke.

  Queen Joe said nothing. She held the Orb in both hands, above her head.

  “Concentrate your fire on that ship,” ordered Lutra. “Now!”

  All rebel soldiers within earshot did as she instructed. Duke rattled off a few puffs of anger from Betsy. The effect of the ground force attack was the equivalent of an ant biting a Mega-Troll. The enhanced battle cruiser pressed on.

  The first volley from the advancing ship ripped a crater in the ground, directly in front of the Queen. Soldiers on both sides scattered.

  “If that thing hits her, she’s dead. The Orb will be destroyed,” screamed Lutra. “We have to do something!”

  Duke looked at Ishiro’shea quizzically.

  He’s as empty on ideas as I am, he concluded.

  “We played right into his hands, didn’t we?” Lutra continued, clearly panicked. “He wanted us out here.”

  “It appears so. LePaco knew we would look for him—and it left us exposed,” added the bounty hunter. “Damn.”

  As the battle cruiser readied another attack, Queen Joe remained motionless, almost tranquil. Her response to LePaco’s plan was anything but. The Orb pulsed and shook, now glowing an even brighter shade of purple. Not a single bolt left the spheroid, however. It just vibrated, rose a few inches above her skyward facing palms... then it began to spin. And spin. It spun so fast that it was almost unrecognizable as an orb.

  The sky to the right of the battle cruiser sparked, the sparks became a crimson crackle, and that turned into an untamed portal. It looked like the astral anomaly that had sent the Deus Ex Machina to Neprius, albeit smaller and less stable. As it formed, it leapt out like an eel emerging from a cave in the sea floor, and consumed the entire front half of the cruiser. It disappeared just as quickly, leaving an inoperable back half of a spacecraft floating uncertainly for a moment in the Keltian sky. Then the posterior of the ship crashed to the ground, just beyond the battlefield.

  Everybody around the bar erupted in cheers, rebels and Four I’s soliders alike. LePaco’s latest ploy was officially foiled.

  Queen Joe did not move. The Orb remained slightly above her outstretched hands, still spinning at an unbelievable rate. The unstable portal reappeared above the battlefield. The Queen was locked in a catatonic state, a symbiotic relationship with the magic rock.

  “She’s doing it without any mustangsen,” Duke said to Ishiro’shea. The ninja looked to be as shocked as the Nova Texan. “How’s she doing that?”

  “And why hasn’t she stopped?” Lutra chimed in.

  “There must be something else on its way,” responded Duke. “Another wave of attacks. She has to sense something.”

  “I would think that they have all they can handle with Maxx, the Earthers, and the Gartoshians,” said the Hilterian. “LePaco had a huge fleet but it wasn’t infinite.”

  Cutting through an innocent patch of drifting clouds and heading directly for the entranced Queen Joe was a sleek salmon-colored spaceship. Its license plate read “Mister Macho.”

  Chapter 26

  A Queen and Her Even Bigger Portal

  DUKE HAD ONLY SEEN LEPACO’S ship from a distance, and at that moment, it had been escaping the fiery remains of an Armada Titan. He hadn’t studied it, analyzed it, or even paid that close of attention. Now it was staring down directly at him. And it was an impressive specimen, color scheme and vanity plate notwithstanding. The bounty hunter had never seen anything like it.

  Queen Joe’s hands dropped to her sides, while the Orb still hovered above her. She flung both hands towards LePaco’s ship and rays of electric violence beamed outward from her fingers. The Orb let loose a third bolt. All three struck the forward bow of the ship. It was a crippling blast. The explosion was immense. But LePaco’s ship pressed on, unfazed by the strike. In fact, there was almost no visible damage. The Queen repeated her gesture, rocking the ship but not hurting it. LePaco countered with a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree expulsion of bombs, missiles, and lasers. His spray-and-pray tactic took out everything in its path. Those unharmed fled. The Queen, backed by Duke, Ishiro’shea, and Lutra, remained, facing off in a showdown with the awesome ship.

  The Orb slowly descended into Joe’s hands. The astral anomaly that had been floating harmlessly in the sky was suddenly awake, activated by the Queen. It lunged in the same manner as when it had destroyed the battle cruiser—but LePaco dodged it. Though still in her trance, the Queen flinched in dismay at the miss. It leapt again. Another miss.

  “It doesn’t even look like he’s trying that hard,” said Duke aloud. “Is LePaco that good of a pilot?”

>   A third miss by the rogue portal. The Queen’s twitches were become more frequent and more intense.

  The portal vanished with a puff and then appeared above the Queen’s position, level with the admiral’s craft. The crimson glow from the astral anomaly cast a shadow over the entire battlefield; the thing seemed to have doubled in size. The portal crackled and hissed but emitted no heat, and it produced no wind. It was just colored noise.

  Queen Joe convulsed. The contortions would have broken the bones of most humanoids, but the Queen appeared to feel nothing. The harder she jerked, the bigger the portal grew. Admiral LePaco’s ship did not fire on the portal or at Queen Joe.

  What’s he up to? thought Duke.

  As the portal expanded to the point where its outer rim almost reached the ground, a hatch on the forward bow of LePaco’s ship opened. The barrel of a cannon extended out, aimed directly at the portal.

  “What’s he going to do with that?” Duke said to Ishiro’shea and Lutra, pointing at the gun. “Something that size won’t do much damage to a fragile egg, let alone a pissed-off inter-dimensional being with an unhinged portal.”

  “An unhinged portal that has already taken out a battle cruiser,” added the Hilterian.

  “Exactly.”

  The portal’s growth spurt finally halted. The Queen’s movement came to a stop as well.

  Nothing can survive this, Duke thought. Is this going to be it? The end?

  LePaco’s insignificant-looking cannon spat out what appeared to be a pretty insignificant-looking silver beam. The velocity of the beam was just as uninspiring, moving towards the astral anomaly at the pace of a Daedean beach snail.

  The portal let out an ear-piercing shriek and rushed towards the ship.

  It struck the pedestrian ray and then stopped. The portal began to shake and pulse and then dispersed into billions of particles, splattering a red dust over the Keltian landscape.

  “What just happened?” asked an astounded Duke LaGrange, addressing no one in particular. “Did that gun just neutralize the Orb’s portals? How...?”

  Ishiro’shea tugged on Duke’s arm, jolting his attention from the free-falling crimson clouds of portal dust. The ninja raced past even as Duke was still collecting his thoughts as to what just happened. The emerald-clad martial artist hustled to where the Queen had been. She was no longer standing or in her trance; she was sprawled out on the grass, motionless. The bounty hunter and Lutra made their way to her.

  “Is she breathing?” asked Lutra. Ishiro’shea nodded. “Good. What was that thing?”

  “I have no idea but it totally knocked out the portal,” said Duke. “We have to get her back inside.”

  Ishiro’shea began to lift the Queen to her feet.

  “The Key,” she mumbled. “He’s got the Key.”

  “What, Queen? What are you saying?” asked Duke.

  She cleared her throat.

  “LePaco’s figured out how to use the Key on its own. That blast was from the Amplification Key... the Key.”

  “He’s learned how to harness it? Already? But, even if he did capture Ish’s parents, he’s only had it briefly. How did he figure it out so quickly?”

  Ishiro’shea squeezed Duke’s shoulder. His eyes said everything.

  “Your parents told him?” said Duke. “No. I don’t believe it.”

  “I’m sure they were tortured or tricked,” suggested Lutra.

  The Queen nodded in agreement.

  “Well, how would they know?”

  The ninja lowered his head. He squeezed Duke’s shoulder again and pointed to his own heart. It took Duke a second to realize what his partner was trying to say.

  He doesn’t mean “me.” Heart. The Heart of Nobunaga.

  Duke’s brain continued to race.

  “From the accounts—the legends—of Takeo Nobunaga?” Duke guessed.

  Ishiro’shea nodded.

  “Yes,” the injured Queen said faintly.

  “I bet that’s why she tore up the master’s office, not from a scuffle but looking for any of the actual records,” added Duke.

  “That’s great and all, but we gotta go, guys,” commanded Lutra. “As in now.”

  LePaco’s ship had landed upon the open plain. Troops and special guards poured out of the vessel and surrounded the ship.

  “He’s in there,” Joe added, now on her feet, leaning for support on Duke. “We have to get him.”

  “Not like this,” Duke added. “Plus, they don’t have enough to get through our ground forces, especially without the help of the Four I’s ground soldiers. LePaco royally screwed that partnership up.”

  “Duke,” began Lutra in a voice that didn’t inspire much confidence, “I think you underestimated his plan to get to us.”

  The admiral’s ship began to transform. Compartments pulled apart to reveal hidden artillery units. Paneling disappeared, and even more weapons emerged. What was once a sleek deep-space fighting vessel was now a stationary war machine with enough firepower to take out a mid-sized moon.

  The battle station unleashed a raging fury equal to a thousand rounds from Ol’ Betsy. Single blasts toppled buildings. The explosions of light and sound made the chaos even more challenging to navigate.

  “Order a retreat,” pleaded Joe to Duke and Lutra. “Please.”

  With no working communication device, the rebels were left with only their voices. And, for once, Duke’s voice was wholly inadequate.

  The few within a tight enough radius to hear fled for the cover of the bar. But the legions of Keltians and Hausen-Ra followed their original orders honorably. They regrouped and charged at the impenetrable fortress of death.

  “They’re all going to die,” cried the Queen. “LePaco is going to slaughter them. That thing is going to slaughter them.”

  Another round of chaotic devastation fell upon those in the battlefield.

  “We have to go now,” shouted Lutra.

  “I agree,” replied Duke. He hoisted the Queen onto his shoulder. The quartet began to retreat to Cyborg Joe’s.

  “No, we have to help them,” the Queen moaned from atop the bounty hunter.

  “LePaco’s special guard is on the move. This last spray caused enough confusion that they have a direct path to us and to the bar,” screamed Lutra as she attempted to cover their escape with erratic blasts from her sniper rifle. “They’ll be on top of us soon. We have to pick it up.”

  Duke accelerated to a sprint; at least, the best he could do with a passenger aboard.

  “We need more cover,” screamed the Hilterian.

  “Our entire army needs cover from that thing,” yelled the bounty hunter.

  Rising above the top of Cyborg Joe’s was an image that Duke and Ishiro’shea instantly recognized. It was home. It was the Deus.

  “I thought we lost her,” Duke said to Ishiro’shea, only slowing his pace slightly to examine his captainless ship.

  But on closer examination he saw that it wasn’t captainless at all. Even at that distance, he recognized the tiny silhouette standing next to one of the side windows at the bow of the ship. Po’l.

  The Deus wobbled a bit.

  Easy there. Be gentle to her.

  The ship stabilized and then darted towards LePaco’s military installation. It wasn’t alone. A gargantuan Gartoshian troop transport accompanied by a handful of Gartoshian Fighter ships serving as its escort fanned out behind the Deus.

  “We have our cover,” Duke said, gaining confidence. “Not sure how long it’ll last, but if I know my ship, it’ll be enough to get us to safety and then some. And, hopefully, it’ll give our friends a chance to take out that thing.”

  “Maybe,” said Lutra doubtfully. “Maybe it will. But we’ll still have to deal with the admiral and his officers. They’re through the line and closing ground.”

  The foursome pulled themselves up the steps in front of Cyborg Joe’s. Lutra rattled off a few shots. Ishiro’shea did the same with Duke’s pulse pistol.

 
; “I’ll take Joe down to the bunker,” said Duke. “You two hide out in the bar and try to hold the admiral at bay.”

  “Not much of a plan,” said Lutra.

  “I’m not the best with plans. I’m more of a ‘wing it’ type of guy.”

  “Just do it,” snapped Queen Joe, still hanging from Duke’s shoulder. “As long as we have the Orb and it’s shielded from that cannon, we have a chance. I’ll bet that he hasn’t mastered the use of either the Shield or the Key without filtering it through his machinery.”

  “That’s a chance we’re going to have to take,” concluded Duke.

  LePaco’s special force was in sight now, closing in on Cyborg Joe’s. There was no doubt that hidden within that throng of soldiers was Admiral LePaco and, possibly, Mazilda Cloax.

  Chapter 27

  I Gave You That Knife

  ISHIRO’SHEA AND LUTRA ZIPPED BY Duke and into Cyborg Joe’s. Duke, still carrying the injured Queen Joe, was gasping for air as he approached the threshold of the popular drinking establishment and temporary headquarters for the ragtag resistance against Admiral LePaco. The Queen wasn’t heavy, and he had no shortage of adrenaline considering the circumstances, but he was wearing down. Luckily, safety lay just beyond that swinging door.

  In the back of the bar, Duke noticed a friendly face, surrounded by a handful of other friendly faces. Lilly, armed with some sort of Keltian firearm, was flanked by a dozen or so Keltian soldiers and a pair of Hausen-Ra commanders. They all stood behind a makeshift barrier, prepared for one last stand, if need be. And the need was be.

  Thank the deity of the week! Duke thought. Lilly! We have a chance.

  The bounty hunter barely had one boot inside Cyborg Joe’s when he felt a stinging pain north of his right hamstring.