3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  3 Guys and a Squirrel

  A Slacker’s Guide to Adventuring

  Book 1

  Jared Bellis

  Copyright © 2019 Jared Bellis All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without express written permission of the author. All characters in this novel are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The use of any real company and/or product names are for literary effect only. All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

  Cover by: NancyDesign

  Edited by: Jensen Bauer

  Map by: William McCauley

  ISBN: 9781080144730

  ISBN-13:

  Dedication

  MAP

  PROLOGUE

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  CHAPTER 24

  Dedication

  Many years ago, I enjoyed playing a variety of RPG’s with some great friends. This book is inspired by the adventures we shared. I hope any of you that read this enjoy it as much as I did our gaming sessions.

  Mike Baumann

  Daryn Hofstetter

  Jason Hibdon

  Erich Ahlers

  Randy Simmons

  MAP

  PROLOGUE

  “I don’t know, Clarence. This world’s a mess. Are you sure these guys are the right ones for the job?”

  “Who knows? None of the others we’ve chosen have worked out, so why not try something different?” replied Clarence.

  “It’s just, well, these guys are such geeks! They have no ambition! They don’t seem very heroic to me.”

  “I realize that, Balzac, but what does it hurt to try? They love those weird games, so they shouldn’t be too shocked by the world. Maybe they’ll take to adventuring better than you think. It’s not like this generation gives us a lot to work with.”

  “You’ve got a point. It’s not like we’re flooded with options. I just really want to get this right, especially since I’m stuck working with them. They seem kind of flaky,” responded Balzac.

  “Heroes come in all shapes and sizes! Don’t judge them yet. Let’s just see how they do on their first adventure. Perhaps they’ll be able to get you further than the others have,” Clarence remarked.

  “Alright,” Balzac conceded. “Get ready to pull them over. You have any idea what I’ll be this time?”

  “Nope, just a roll of the dice! Good luck!”

  CHAPTER 1

  “Dude! What the hell? You almost wiped the party with that cast!” complained Andrew. “My tank almost died because of your raging inferno!”

  “Maybe if you’d hold aggro it wouldn’t be a problem!” retorted Joe. “I had trolls crawling up my ass the whole time. It was either that or we lose our healer, and you wouldn’t last long if he went down!”

  Ray sighed. They always got like this on game nights. Even though they survived and accomplished their goals, an argument was almost certain to follow afterwards. It was always the same, either the tank wasn’t attracting enough attention, the wizard wasn’t doing enough damage, or some other issue. The two brothers had to rehash and blame each other if anything went wrong. Hell, they blamed each other if nothing went wrong.

  “Could you two just knock it off? It’s the same shit every time. We won, we got great loot, nobody had to reroll a character. Why can’t we just enjoy the game?”

  The other two young men stared at him. “Why you mad bro?” said Andrew.

  “Yeah, this is part of our process. We like to rehash, you know that. No harm. Something crawl up your panties and twist?” asked Joe.

  “No, I just get tired of your arguing all the time. I don’t mind reviewing the game, but you two always end up blaming each other for something. It sucks.”

  “Fair point,” they said in unison, nodding their heads. The three friends continued walking back to their apartment. It was a beautiful fall evening in Warrensburg, Missouri. They had just graduated college in the spring and all were working meaningless jobs until they could find something they’d gone to school for. Andrew had a degree in athletic training, Joe in software design, and Ray was looking for a job as a structural engineer. If forced to be honest, none of them would claim they were looking very hard for a real job. They’d been together since grade school and, in their words, weren’t ready to split up the party.

  They were almost back to the apartment when the wind started to pick up. Branches and trash cans were flying through the air as the temperature suddenly plummeted.

  “Freaking Missouri weather!” complained Andrew. The others just nodded their heads and walked faster. There was a blinding flash of light and then...nothing.

  CHAPTER 2

  Bright light woke the three men up. Clean, warm air blew over their faces as they struggled to sit up.

  “What the hell was that?” asked Joe. “Did we get hit by a bus? Everything I have hurts.”

  “Same here,” agreed Ray. “I feel...weird, kind of like energized and nauseous all at once.” Andrew could only moan and nod.

  “Greetings heroes!” squeaked a small voice nearby. “Welcome to your great adventure! I am your spirit guide, Balzac! I will help you find your way in this world and guide you to success, so that you may return home!”

  “Where is that voice coming from?” asked Andrew. “I don’t see anybody else around.”

  “Yeah, me neither,” agreed his brother. “All I see is a squirrel standing over there, waving his little hands around.” Joe was right. There was indeed a large, red tailed squirrel standing on his hind legs. It appeared he was talking to the boys.

  “What do you mean, squirrel?” the squirrel asked indignantly. “I’m not a squirrel.”

  “You guys are seeing this, right?” Ray asked. “That squirrel is talking to us. Did somebody spike our brownies?” Joe and Andrew nodded to confirm that, yes, they too could see it, but neither of the two brothers seemed able to take their eyes off the squirrel.

  “Um, yeah. You are. You have tiny little squirrel hands, a little squirrel face, and a big, bushy red tail,” confirmed Joe solemnly. “Definitely a squirrel.”

  The squirrel looked down at himself. “What the fu....” he looked up and shook his little fist at the sky. “Are you fucking kidding me! A squirrel! This is bullshit! Clarence this is your doing, isn’t it! You’re jealous of my success! You’ll pay for this!” Clouds covered the sky, thunder boomed throughout the land, and lightning began streaking across the sky. “You’re not scaring anybody! Asshole!” The squirrel, Balzac, started chittering incoherently as he continued to berate the sky.

  The three men started looking around while the squirrel had his breakdown. They were in a clearing in the middle of a forest. A small creek burbled happily nearby. There were no signs of civilization anywhere, no power lines, no planes in the air, no roads, nothing.

  “Where the hell are we and how did we get here?” Joe asked, concerned and confused. “The last thing I remember was walking home from game night, a lot of wind, and boom! Here we are.”

  “Ummm, yes. Sorry about that. I got distracted.” Balzac gave another dirty look at the sky which had cleared up again. “You were chosen
by the Powers that Be.” It seemed to the friends that they could actually hear him capitalize the letters.

  “The three of you have been summoned to help save this land. You have been given great power and will adventure throughout the land to fight monsters, right wrongs, and perform general acts of goodness. Once you have accomplished all of your tasks, you will be returned home, to the exact second you were pulled away.” The squirrel looked at them with a smile.

  “Okay, group huddle. We’ll be right with you squirrel,” Ray said.

  “Balzac,” corrected Balzac.

  “Whatever.” The friends huddled up for a few minutes and talked quietly amongst themselves. Balzac stood there with a frown on his squirrely face, tapping his foot impatiently.

  “So, we get awesome powers?” Andrew asked. Balzac smiled and nodded.

  “You want us to go kill monsters and save people?” asked Joe. Again, Balzac smiled and nodded.

  “And we can’t go home until we’ve done all you ask?” inquired Ray. Another smile and nod.

  “Yeah, we’re not gonna do that,” said Ray. “You guys got your cards on you?” Andrew and Joe nodded and pulled their decks of Magic: The Gathering out of their backpacks. The three then sat down and started setting up a triangle game. Balzac just stared at them in stunned silence. He had never had a group of adventurers refuse to, well.... adventure.

  “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO IT?!” he roared, or rather, squeaked indignantly. “YOU CAN’T RETURN HOME UNLESS YOU FULFILL YOUR QUEST!”

  “Big deal,” replied Andrew.

  “But, but, but… ” Balzac sputtered. “Don’t you want to go home?”

  “Nah, nothing there for us. Just have to pay student loans and go back to our lame jobs,” said Ray.

  “What about family and friends?”

  “Don’t have any. All our friends are here,” answered Joe easily.

  “How about doing it for honor and glory?” Balzac tried feebly.

  “But all that would disappear once we left anyway,” Andrew pointed out.

  Balzac looked up and shook his little fist at the sky again. “Clarence! You bastard! You gave me defective heroes!” Thunder shook the ground again.

  “Of all the shit...fucking millennials. Stupid ass government loans…guess I can’t really blame them for not wanting to go back to that...” the squirrel muttered.

  “Ok, we are at an impasse. You can’t go home until you finish your quests. So, you just gonna sit there and play cards forever then?”

  “Nah, we want to check out what we can do eventually. I’m tapping this swamp for mana,” commented Joe distractedly. Balzac sat down and started pouting.

  “How long is this game going to take?” he asked.

  “As long as it takes dude,” replied Andrew. Balzac threw up his hands and paced. Eventually he came over to watch the game. After a while, he even started asking questions about how it was played.

  “So, you have to tap a different type of land for different mana to create effects or activate creatures?” the squirrel asked.

  “Yep,” the guys said in unison.

  “Interesting,” he murmured. After several hours, the game came to a halt.

  “So, are you ready to begin your journey?” asked Balzac hopefully.

  CHAPTER 3

  “Not going dude. May as well give up on that idea,” stated Ray. The others nodded their agreement as they stood up, stretched, and looked around.

  Balzac shook his furry head. “Well, what are you planning then? You can’t just sit here forever!” He was shaking his finger at each of the men in turn like an angry school teacher. “Besides, you were brought here for a specific reason, and you can’t just ignore that!”

  “Sure we can. None of us are interested in risking our lives to fight monsters. Why are you getting so pissy about it? You gotta chill or you’re gonna stroke out or something,” advised Andrew.

  “I’M SO “PISSY” BECAUSE I’M STUCK AS A FREAKING SQUIRREL UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR QUEST!” he screeched. “CLARENCE! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY, YOU ASS-HAT!” He screamed at the sky again, shaking his fuzzy fists.

  Just then, a large reptilian creature launched itself in the air, possibly startled by Balzac’s indignant screams. It lightened its load just as it flew over the enraged squirrel, coating him in an enormous amount of poo. Balzac’s scream ended with a gurgle.

  “DUDE!” shouted Andrew. “THAT THING JUST SHIT ALL OVER YOU!” Andrew is a master of the obvious.

  “That’s just nasty!” exclaimed Joe, stepping back from the steaming squirrel. “I think it went in his mouth!” Balzac could only nod miserably. He started spitting and gagging in an attempt to get the feces out of his mouth.

  “The creek… where?” he croaked. “Can’t see, shit in my eyes.”

  “To your right, bud. I’d help you, but I’m not getting anywhere near that mess,” said Ray with disgust.

  Balzac slowly made his way to the burbling brook, mumbling all the way. “Stupid millennials get me shit on by a flying lizard… gonna kill Clarence...” Unfortunately, Balzac didn’t see the edge of the creek, and he tumbled in with a scream and a splash. He quickly came to the surface sputtering and cursing, and after a few minutes of diligent scrubbing, he climbed back up on the bank and sat facing the stream.

  “Wow, that was amazing,” said Andrew. “I’ve never seen anything have that much shit dropped on it before. First time I’ve ever seen a squirrel cry too.”

  Balzac was indeed sobbing, cursing his fate. Suddenly, there was a loud buzzing from the woods across the creek from them. Balzac looked up, turned, and then ran straight at the three slackers.

  “Run! Run for your stupid lives! We’re gonna die!” Balzac got to the friends and ran right past them. “Move dumbasses or you’re shark-fly bait!”

  “What’s a shark-fly?” Andrew asked as he looked in the direction of the noise. There was a dark cloud of insects approaching, and the buzzing was growing ever louder.

  His friends picked up on Balzac’s panic and, grabbing the dumbfounded Andrew, ran after their furry guide. Having longer legs, they caught up quickly. Ray reached out and plucked the squirrel off the ground and kept going.

  “You know, you could probably have run faster on all four of your legs,” he told the heaving squirrel.

  “Piss off! I’m still learning how to use this body! Now, we have to find cover, because we can’t outrun them forever!” Balzac exclaimed. He was sitting on Ray’s shoulder, holding on to the man’s hair for dear life. He kept looking back to see the buzzing horde get closer and closer. “Shit. This isn’t going to work! Listen morons, you’re gonna have to fight them!”

  “With what!?” screamed a panicked Joe. “You got a magic fly swatter or something?” Joe had made the mistake of looking back just as a cute little bunny hopped in front of the mass of shark-flies. Several of the terrifying little bugs swooped down and devoured it instantly. The entire feeding frenzy took only seconds, and all that was left was a blood splatter. “Holy shit!” he cried as he sped up. “Run faster!”

  “We can’t escape them. You will have to use your new powers to destroy them before they kill you!” Balzac insisted. “Hmmmm. Of course, if you do die, I can go back to the heavens; I won’t be a squirrel anymore....” he mused thoughtfully. Thunder rumbled overhead. “Oh, screw you Clarence! I was just thinking out loud!”

  “We don’t even know what our powers are! How are we supposed to use them if we don’t know what we can do? And we only have your word that we have any powers at all!” puffed Andrew. Role playing games and video games didn’t provide much cardio. Maybe LARPing would’ve been a good idea....

  “Just stand and let it flow through you,” the squirrel instructed. “Come on! We have a couple minutes’ lead before the first ones get here. What’s more, your panic should help the power to flow through you more easily!”

  “Just like piss,” Ray muttered as he slowed to a stop. His friends came up beside him, a
ll of them gasping for breath.

  Balzac hopped off Ray’s shoulder. “Stand bravely men! The enemy is upon you!” He puffed up his little squirrel chest and pointed over at the approaching horde.

  The boys stood, looking back and forth between each other and the approaching killer cloud. “Can you tell us what these bastards are now?” asked Joe.

  “Oh, right, know your enemy and all that,” replied Balzac. “You know what a shark is?” They nodded. “You know what a fly is?” They nodded again. “Well, imagine them having very angry babies.”

  “Got it. Any advice here?” asked Ray.

  “Yep! Kill them before they eat you,” answered Balzac.

  “Real helpful,” replied Andrew. All three spared an indignant look at their guide, who just shrugged his shoulders before turning back to the insects.

  They were quickly running out of time before the murderous bugs were upon them, and they still had no idea what to do.

  Suddenly, Ray felt hot. Really hot. A jet of flames burst from his hands into the cloud of murder bugs, burning a huge swath through the center of them. Ray screamed in fear, which quickly morphed into triumph. He waved his hands back and forth to take out as many bugs as possible.

  Joe was almost in a panic when he saw Ray light them up. “G-g-get back, get back, get back!” he stuttered in fear. But just then, Joe felt a great weight leave his body as metal shards flew out of the earth. These shards joined into a small wall of metal which flew towards the killer insects, gathering all the shark-flies in front him together before crashing down into the ground, crushing them with tremendous force.

  Emboldened by his friends’ success, Andrew stepped up to try his luck, too. He raised his hands with a cocky smirk and....nothing happened. His hands glowed golden for a moment, but nothing happened.

  “Shit!!!!” he screamed as he ran towards Ray with several flies in hot pursuit. In his panic, he grabbed the closest thing he could use to fight them off. Unfortunately, that thing turned out to be Balzac.