3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  “What the fuuuuuuuuuu—?!” the squirrel screamed as Andrew swung him around like fuzzy nunchucks. Andrew began swatting the bugs out of the air with his weaponized squirrel as he ran. Not thinking in his panic, he ran in front of Ray just as the stream of fire came to an end. All the bugs were toasted, and Balzac was singed and dazed. Andrew dropped the smoking squirrel.

  “Oh shit! Sorry about that, Nutsack. I kinda panicked there,” Andrew said somewhat sheepishly. Balzac was reeling, staggering on the ground and throwing up as smoke curled off of him. He finally fell and caught his breath.

  “It’s Balzac, you giant asshole. My name is… Balzac…” he said weakly before falling silent.

  “Dude! I think you killed him!” exclaimed Joe.

  “NOOOOO!” screamed Andrew. Just then, his hands started to glow again, and it spread to the still body of the squirrel. The burned off fur grew back quickly, and he sat up.

  There was a beat of silence, but it didn’t last long.

  “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M A HEALER?! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE A TANK!! FUCK YOU CLARENCE!” Andrew screamed at the sky.

  Balzac stood unsteadily. “Now you understand what a dick he is.” Thunder boomed across the heavens. “Hey!!” Balzac shouted, his anger at Andrew seeming to return in earnest. “You almost killed me!”

  “My bad, but I didn’t know what to do!” Andrew said defensively. “I just grabbed the first thing I could use as a weapon. I guess that was you. But hey, at least it worked. The bugs are gone.”

  “I AM NOT A WEAPON!!!” cried Balzac. He sighed. “Can we just get on with this now? Surely you have a taste for adventure after defeating this minor foe.”

  Joe raised his hand. Balzac looked confused. “Why are you raising your hand?”

  “Oh, I just wanted to ask a question.” Balzac then nodded for him to go on. “Where’s the loot?” Joe inquired.

  “Loot? What loot?” Balzac asked, perplexed.

  “The loot you get from winning a fight. You know, some money, weapons, or armor. That loot.”

  Balzac looked at the men quizzically. They all looked ready for his answer. “You killed bugs. You expect treasure?” They nodded. Balzac put his face in his hands. “Where would they carry treasure? For that matter, why would they carry treasure? Shark-flies have no use for treasure.”

  “Oh, it’s just that all our games give us treasure for beating stuff. If we don’t even get loot, then we definitely don’t want to go on quests. That shit sucked!” said Andrew.

  The spirit guide just looked at him for a moment, before then launching himself through the air to begin assaulting Andrew’s face.

  “YOU. ARE. THE. MOST. USELESS. HEROES. EVER!” he cried as he punctuated each word with blow to Andrew’s face. Andrew giggled.

  “Ha-ha, squirrel punches tickle!” he said as he plucked the enraged rodent from his head and placed him on the ground.

  “So, what are we doing now guys?” Andrew asked the others, as Balzac kicked at the ground furiously. However, he stopped at Andrew’s question. It was one that the squirrel badly wanted an answer to. Ray and Joe just shrugged and looked around.

  “OK,” Balzac began, taking their silence as an opportunity to speak, “we are currently in a part of the world once known as the United States. This portion is near the middle and was called Missouri by its inhabitants. If you travel to the northwest, you will come upon the ruins of Kansas City. Beyond that is a hellish, godforsaken wasteland they called Kansas.” The squirrel shuddered. “Nobody ever goes there if they can help it.”

  “To the east, many days travel, is the broken city of St. Louis. It is a shit hole of epic proportions, populated by mutants and monsters. There are also small settlements all over the place, but they are independent and not very trusting of outsiders. The largest settlement left in this land is Atlanta, found in the region of Georgia. It is a communist-run crater of filth and depravity. It is my understanding that it was once burnt down in a great war, but I fail to understand why it was rebuilt. They are highly ambitious and would like to rule this land from sea to sea.”

  “Their greatest enemy is the fascist state of Denver, found in the wilds of Colorado. They also look to rule. Between these two powers is a neutral area with Missouri being in its center. The two grow closer to war every day. Now, will you choose to join one against the other, or defend the weak from both?” Balzac asked hopefully. He should have known better.

  “Dude, give it up already! We aren’t fighting!” insisted Joe. “Is there a town or something near here? We need food, clothes, and weapons.”

  “How would we pay for them?” asked Andrew. “We don’t even know what they use for money here.”

  “There is a small settlement and a way to make a little money….” said Balzac slowly. “You just have to take on some odd jobs here and there, things to make life a little safer for people.”

  “And now you’re back to us doing quests and stuff again! Look, we don’t have enough for a party! We have crowd control, DPS, and, ugh, healing. But we also need a tank and a thief or assassin if we wanna get anything real done!” cried Andrew.

  “You keep using these words and thinking I know what they mean,” Balzac interjected. “But I have no idea what it is you’re referring to! If you’d just tell me, perhaps I can help!”

  Ray nodded. “It’s simple. DPS is damage per second, someone that can do a ton of damage quickly. That’s me.” Balzac nodded. “Crowd control is just that, someone who can keep the party from getting overwhelmed while doing extra damage, as well. That’s Joe and his magnetism stuff.” Joe nodded, forming the metal he’d recovered from crushing the bugs into several small balls, and smiled.

  Ray continued, “Andrew heals any damage we take and can probably cast some sort of protection.” Andrew sulked at this. “A tank keeps enemies focused on him or her. They have a lot of armor and life, and they give us the room we need to take stuff out.” Balzac nodded slightly. “Lastly, a thief/assassin can sneak up and cause tremendous damage. They are also good at infiltrating places either to scout or steal.” Ray finished his explanation.

  “And you can’t fight without a full party?” asked Balzac?

  “Not effectively. Besides, we don’t want to fight anyone, remember?”

  “Well, to survive in this land, you will have to fight. You saw that with the shark-flies. If you help others, you will earn this “loot” you desire. It is the only way.” The squirrel smiled at the group smugly.

  The guys all looked at each other, shook their heads, and looked back at their tiny spirit guide. “Nope, still not doing it. But I guess we might take some simple little jobs, just enough to get money for food and stuff,” stated Ray. The others nodded firmly beside him.

  “Gah! Why won’t you just cooperate!! I DON’T WANT TO BE A SQUIRREL!!!” Thunder boomed again. “NOBODY’S TALKING TO YOU CLARENCE!!” Lightning then crashed down and hammered into the enraged rodent. “OUCH,” he whimpered as he fell over, steaming. The three men stood and stared dumbly.

  “Holy shit!” shouted Joe. “Can you heal him Andrew?” Andrew grumbled, but walked over to the smoking squirrel. He put his hand over Balzac and concentrated. His hand started glowing golden, and Balzac was soon back on his feet and sputtering. He looked up at the sky angrily but didn’t say anything.

  “What now?” asked Joe. “Should we head for that town or something?” The others nodded. “Well, lead on Ball-sack!” he shouted.

  “It’s Balzac,” replied the squirrel dejectedly. But nevertheless, he climbed up onto Ray’s shoulder and steered them towards the town.

  CHAPTER 4

  “So how far is it?” asked Andrew. It was hot out and they’d already been walking for what seemed like hours. It had actually been about twenty minutes.

  “Oh, about a three day walk,” replied Balzac. “But at the pace you all move, it might take a month.”

  “Easy for you to say! You have a ride,” sulked Joe.

  “Listen boy, I’ve
walked this land for ages in many different forms. You can’t even seem to make it one mile, so stop your belly-aching and get moving!” The reluctant heroes set off again, whining every step of the way.

  “Why don’t they have taxis or something?” asked Andrew tiredly.

  “Or an Uber, Uber would be awesome!” chimed in Joe.

  “I’d even settle for a bus,” stated Ray.

  The grumbling continued for hours, even when they took breaks, which was frequently.

  “I think we should stop for the night,” announced Andrew. The other two men agreed instantly and sat down with a huff. Balzac looked at them incredulously.

  “We’ve barely walked three miles, and there are still hours of daylight ahead of us! Do you want to get to a town or not?”

  “Listen Ball-sweat, we’ve had a long day. We were kidnapped by some douche-canoe, yelled at by a freaking squirrel, almost eaten by shark bugs, and now we’ve had to walk for miles! We’re tired and our feet hurt!”

  “You’re fat and lazy,” Balzac stated flatly. “Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out here at night? Do you have food or water? Where do you plan on sleeping? Have you considered anything at all??”

  “Ummmm, we’ve got some chips and energy drinks,” said Joe.

  “Shouldn’t you have provided some of this stuff? Our GM always makes sure we have basic supplies,” stated Andrew. “You keep yelling at us, but you haven’t contributed shit. You need to do a better job!” All three nodded and glared at the speechless squirrel. Balzac stared at the heavens again, as if imploring some uncaring deity for help.

  “They’re right, Balzac!” a voice stated. Just then, large rabbit stepped up, shaking his fuzzy head.

  “What do you mean they’re right? We never supply anything! You’re just trying to make me look bad!” Balzac yelled at the bunny.

  “You don’t seem to need help with that. You truly are a failure,” accused the rabbit.

  “Why you…” Balzac hopped off Ray’s shoulder and charged the bunny. The two went down in a heap and started beating the holy hell out of each other.

  “You can’t zap me now, Clarence! I’m gonna beat your fuzzy ass!” shouted Balzac.

  Clarence kicked him off and retorted, “Like hell rodent! Quit blaming me for your mistakes! I’m gonna rip your tail off and strangle you with it!”

  The two continued to fight and cuss for a few minutes.

  Joe’s eyes lit up with the sight of the cute little critters fighting. “Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! FOOD FIGHT!!”

  Ray and Andrew looked at him quizzically. “Look, it’s a squirrel versus a rabbit. They’re food! They’re fighting! FOOD FIGHT!” Joe fell to the ground howling with laughter. The other two men looked at him and then started chuckling.

  Ray finally got tired of the show and launched a stream of fire at the two cuddly forest creatures. “Enough! Keep it up and we’ll be eating fried rabbit and squirrel for supper tonight!” They quickly stopped fighting, and started rolling in the dirt to put out the flames in their fur.

  “I apologize gentleman,” said the bunny formally. “My little brother and I don’t always see eye to eye.”

  “You’re brothers?” Andrew asked incredulously. The two nodded. “No wonder you’re fighting. Working with your brother sucks!” Joe elbowed him sharply at this.

  “Anyway, you three need to realize the seriousness of your situation,” stated Clarence. “You CANNOT return home until you’ve accomplished a series of goals.” He saw the men start to object. “However,” Clarence continued, cutting them off, “we cannot make you go out on these quests. We can only hope that you will comply. The people of this land need heroes.”

  “Then why the hell did you pick us?” Ray asked. “We didn’t sign up for this! We don’t want any part of it!”

  “You three had a certain set of characteristics that drew our attention,” Clarence said. “We felt―” Balzac cleared his throat and shook his head― “Fine, I felt you would make great heroes. If I was wrong, I apologize. Be that as it may, you’re here now and stuck in this situation. We cannot send you back, nor can we take your powers back. So, you need to decide if you want to play along and be heroes or sit back and do nothing, living here in obscurity.” Clarence was sure he had them with his pitch. Balzac looked at them hopefully.

  The three men looked at each other and sighed. “Still not interested,” said Ray. Clarence’s bunny jaw dropped. Balzac just sat down and cried.

  “What do you mean?” asked Clarence.

  “I mean we aren’t doing it. We don’t want to be heroes. Now can you, I don’t know, poof us to a town or something?” replied Ray.

  “Poof you? To a town?” Clarence repeated. The guys nodded hopefully.

  “NO! I cannot poof you to a town! You’re supposed adventure your way there! Gain experience and power! What is wrong with you people?!”

  “I know, right? You gave me defective heroes! I can’t be held responsible for these rejects! Let me go home!” cried Balzac miserably.

  “You can’t, and you know it. It’s your turn to be spirit guide, and you can’t go back home until they succeed! Those are the rules,” replied Clarence.

  “I’ll kill you!” Balzac screamed, and he attacked the bunny once more. Clarence disappeared with a loud poof.

  “See, I knew you could do that!” yelled Ray at the sky. Thunder rolled once more. Ray flipped off the sky. “And you could at least give us supplies, you celestial dick-hole!”

  As if right on cue, a pile of gear suddenly appeared on the ground at each man’s feet.

  “REALLY!?” Balzac screamed. “You’re giving these shitheads gear?! THEY AREN’T GOING TO DO ANYTHING!” In response, the dirt at the squirrel’s feet started spinning and letters formed.

  SORRY BRO! THESE LOSERS NEED ALL THE HELP THEY CAN GET. THIS GEAR IS THE LEAST I CAN DO! GOOD LUCK!

  “You suck so much,” Balzac muttered at the ground. The guys started going through the gear at their feet.

  “What is this shit?” asked Joe. He found a tent with several rips in it; a few tunics and pairs of pants, both with holes and of various sizes; a cracked leather belt; and a rusty, slightly bent dagger. The others had equipment of similar quality. Each had a half-filled water skin and a bag with moldy cheese and very dry meat. Both food items appeared to have been nibbled on by rodents.

  “This is some kind of bullshit,” whined Andrew. “Get kidnapped, and get janky equipment. This sucks!”

  “What do you actually expect?” asked Balzac seriously. “Yes, you got sucked in here without your consent. Sorry, but your love of gaming made us think you’d be interested. Your files talked about your interest in magic and adventure. I guess we were wrong. That being said, do you really feel like you deserve any help, much less quality gear? Are you that selfish and entitled? Is what they say about your generation true? If so, your world is truly doomed.”

  The young men had the decency to look ashamed of themselves, but their stubbornness was evident in their stances.

  “It still isn’t fair. We don’t want this. We didn’t ask for it. You shouldn’t have brought us here.”

  CHAPTER 5

  Ray sighed and decided to take the lead. It was something he had to do regularly because the brothers would quickly devolve to arguing and nothing would get done. “Well, we need to know where we are and if anything is around here,” he stated. They all looked at Balzac expectantly.

  “Oh, now you want to listen! Why should I help you? It’s not like you’re going to do anything valuable!” Thunder rumbled once again across the clear sky. “Nobody’s talking to you, Clarence! Butt out!”

  “Dude! You don’t have to be so hateful. Aren’t you, like, required to help us or something?” Ray asked again.

  Balzac started to say something rude, but looked up to the sky before answering with a sigh. “Yes, I have to help you. I can’t knowingly lead you to harm and must try to answer all requests honestly. Even if I don’t want to.
And I don’t. Want to, that is. Dick!”

  “Okay then! Where are we and what will we find nearby?” asked Ray. Balzac shook his head and muttered before finally answering.

  “As you dullards may have noticed, we are currently in the wilderness. Those are trees,” Balzac began sarcastically. “And if you look in that direction,” he pointed to his left, “there are more trees, but this time on a hill. There is a small creek running down the hill through the woods. That is all you will find near here.” He folded his little squirrel hands, wrapped his tail around himself and smiled at them.

  “Real helpful, prick. How about showing us to a city?” At that, Balzac sighed and climbed Ray.

  “Go towards that hill. It will take a few days to get there, and at the pace you assholes move it may take weeks. Maybe you’ll all starve to death,” he said hopefully.

  “Why do you have to hate on us like that? We aren’t fighters, dude. We don’t want to hurt or kill anyone, and we sure don’t want to be killed either. Why can’t you understand that?” Andrew implored, sounding hurt. Andrew’s comments seemed to soften Balzac’s heart a bit.

  “I’m sorry… You’re right. It isn’t really your fault that you’re defective. Let’s all try to get along and maybe make something out of this mess.” They all nodded and continued walking. They had nearly crowned the hill as the sun started to set.

  “We should make camp. Do any of you know how to set up a tent?” the squirrel asked. They all shook their heads. “Fine. I’ll explain how it’s done.” Balzac then gave directions and the boys slowly managed to put up the bedraggled tents.

  “Those things suck!” observed Joe. They really were pretty bad, and the holes were even more evident with the tents actually set up. They sagged badly in the middle and each would barely cover one man.

  “We’ll just have to make the best of it!” encouraged Ray. They grabbed some fallen wood, piled it up, and Ray lit it with a small jet of fire.