3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  “Someone has to! We can’t let it get us from the rear. We wouldn’t stand a chance against something that size!” he yelled back.

  Ray started calling up his fire to fight the giant cock. He fired a huge stream at it, to no effect. The giant Flaming Cock was engorged by the flame. It seemed to pulse in time with the roar of the fire.

  “Fire doesn’t work on it!” Balzac screamed. “Don’t let it near you! The heat could make you stroke out!”

  It was too late to run. Fire didn’t bother Ray since his power manifested, but this was different. Fire spewed off it in thick streams, sticking to everything it touched. With no other way to defend himself, Ray threw his hands up to get ahold of the massive Cock. The monster clenched its beak around his hands, and it appeared that Ray was moments away from being consumed by the huge Cock.

  “Ray!” screamed Balzac. “No. No way! Not going to happen! I’m not going to lose one of my guys to another Cock!” he shouted. The squirrel turned and ran to help the screaming man.

  “Get it off! Get it off!” Ray shrieked. Just then, Balzac charged past him and mounted the Flaming Cock!

  “It burns! The Cock burns! My ass is on fire!” he screamed.

  Ray was in agony; the Cock was tearing him up. He grabbed hold of the monster’s tongue and twisted, hoping to get it to let go. All he could do we try to keep pushing. Suddenly, the great beast started to struggle. Its eyes started to bulge, and its wings were beating faster and faster. The giant Cock seemed to expand even further, growing larger and larger before his eyes. And finally, after one last great beat, it exploded all over them! The giant Cock blew out all over.

  “What the fuck just happened?” asked a badly singed Balzac. He had bits of goo from the exploded Cock all over him, as did Ray.

  Andrew came running back, and immediately started chanting prayers to Clarence as he began healing the two victims of the giant Flaming Cock.

  “Did you see that? That Cock blew all over you! How did you do that?” he asked.

  “I think Ray just had another power show up,” said Balzac, out of breath. “Control over the air. Try to blow some of that Cock over there.”

  Ray nodded and focused. He was able to produce a strong enough wind to blow the now limp cock away.

  “That’s amazing,” admitted Andrew, again feeling the sting of jealousy. Also again, he worked to put it aside. “Are those things edible?” he asked.

  Balzac nodded. “While it’s not for everyone, some say that Flaming Cock is the best thing you could ever put in your mouth. Let’s gather the pieces and prepare them. There’s enough Cock here to last us for days!” the squirrel replied with enthusiasm.

  “Hey, are any of the other parts worth anything?” Ray asked. “We could collect them to sell in town if there’s anything valuable. Get us at least a little money to start with.”

  Balzac looked thoughtful for a moment. “Actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. The talons are usually in demand, as are some of the feathers. We won’t be able to carry much, though. At least, not without Joe to keep it together.”

  “I can just go get him,” offered Andrew. “He should have had enough rest by now, and I know he’s gonna be starving.” The other two nodded and started gathering bird bits as Andrew jogged off to get his brother.

  Ray and Balzac occupied their time by gathering up what was left of the enormous avian. Pulling the still-hot, iron-hard feathers out proved to be a difficult task, and removing the talons from the feet had Balzac stumped.

  “These are more valuable if you can remove them, but I just don’t see how we’re gonna do that. Your dagger would barely cut through warm air!” Ray stopped and thought for a second.

  “I’ve got an idea. Have you ever heard of a water-saw?” Balzac looked at him dumbly.

  “Guess not,” Ray said. “Basically, you shoot a very thin stream of water at extremely high pressure and it will cut through nearly anything. I bet I could do the same with air!” he exclaimed. Balzac looked dubious.

  “You think you can cut the claws off…using air?” he asked doubtfully.

  “The principle is sound. I think I can do it,” Ray replied.

  “Well, I think that Cock screwed you up worse than we thought. But, might as well try it. What can it hurt?” responded the squirrel.

  Ray went over to one of the enormous feet. Each talon had to be nearly a foot long. He concentrated and held his hands about eight inches apart. At first, nothing happened. Then, slowly, air started moving in a loop between his outstretched hands. It started spinning faster and faster as Ray improved his focus. Sweat was pouring from his brow as he moved his hands into position over the talon. Sure enough, a thin groove started to appear. Ray took his time, carefully moving his hands across the breadth of the talon. After several minutes of delicate work, the talon fell away.

  Ray sat back, exhausted from his efforts.

  “Dude! That was way harder than I thought it would be,” he admitted. Balzac just stared at him in shock.

  “I can’t believe that worked!” the squirrel exclaimed, dumbfounded. “You’re smarter than you look! Or act!”

  “Yeah, I’m a freakin’ engineer, dumbass! Of course I’m smart! Now give me a minute and I’ll cut the other talons free.”

  It got easier with each attempt. He figured out how to narrow the flow of air and how to keep any from blowing out. Each successive talon came free faster, until they were all stacked in a neat pile.

  “Don’t forget the spurs. You know, the sharp claws on the back of its legs,” reminded Balzac. Ray gave him an annoyed look.

  “I’m from Missouri! I know what rooster spurs are!” he indignantly shouted. “Why don’t you get some of that meat ready to cook? I’m starving, and squirrel stew is starting to sound mighty good!”

  Balzac paused, held up one tiny finger, and stopped. He scampered off to do as he was told. Ray got the spurs cut free and carried the talons over to the pile of feathers. Balzac was busily cleaning the breast.

  Andrew and Joe showed up within a few minutes of Ray finishing up.

  “So, I heard you blew a giant Cock!” greeted Joe. Ray just flipped him off.

  “Somebody had to find us some food, and you sure as hell weren’t doing anything,” he retorted.

  “I was exhausted from flying your ass here! Don’t get snippy with me!” Joe shouted back. Apparently, he was still cranky.

  “Don’t mind him. He didn’t get his nap out!” snarked Andrew. “Are we about ready to cook this thing? I’m hungry!”

  Ray nodded and started a fire in his hand. Balzac, who was pulling the last of the feathers from the enormous chicken breast, looked over.

  “Oh, shit!” he exclaimed, and dove for cover.

  “What are you doing, Nut-Sweat?” asked Andrew.

  “It’s Balzac, dammit! And I’m trying to keep from getting roasted!” the squirrel responded.

  “Chill, small rodent! Nobody’s cooking you…yet,” Ray said with a smirk. “Hey, Joe! Make me a grill, please.”

  “Bam! You’re a grill!” quipped Joe.

  Nobody laughed.

  “Tough crowd,” he muttered under his breath, as he turned the metal from his “magic carpet” into a large grill. The three men picked up the meat and placed it on the surface of Joe’s grill. Ray grabbed the metal and started pushing heat through it. Soon, the sound of sizzling meat and the smell of barbecuing chicken filled the air. Everyone’s mouth was watering by the time it really started to cook, and when Ray pronounced it done, they tucked in with abandon.

  “It could use some sauce, but, damn, this is good!” Joe confirmed. The others were too busy eating to speak. All they could do was make happy noises as they devoured the bird.

  It was getting dark fast, and the four companions decided to set up camp for the night. Joe used his magnetic abilities to create a shelter, Andrew gathered up some wood, and Ray started the fire. However, despite the day’s excitement, none of them were quite ready to sleep yet.
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  “Got any stories, Balzac?” Ray asked.

  “What do you mean?” the squirrel replied with a quizzical look.

  “You know, something for entertainment. We’re not ready to call it a night yet,” Ray explained. Balzac was flustered by the request.

  “I don’t know any stories. Don’t you all have any?” he asked. Surely these nerds must know some good stories. The three guys looked at each other and shrugged.

  “Not really. We all know the same ones, anyway. Tell us something about this world,” Joe suggested. “Like, what’s out there?”

  “I’ve already told you about it, how the world got to be this way. I’ve explained the political situation. What else is there to know?”

  “Well, tell us something else. What about the weird animals and things here?” asked Andrew. Balzac looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding slowly.

  “Well, you’ve already experienced the shark-flies, some zombies, and the Fire Chickens.” The three nodded, leaning in to hear more about the strange land they found themselves in.

  “I really don’t know where to start,” Balzac began. “We have the same animals that you did at home, I’m sure. The portals brought in others; some alien, some from the past. The strange energies pouring through began to mutate plants and animals alike.”

  “What about people? Did the energy affect them, too? Were any aliens or anything brought through?” inquired Ray.

  “Oh yes. It did many strange things and brought in many species. Some friendly, others not. The more…aggressive ones have been very active in carving out their own territories. The more benign visitors usually either set up communities or become part of existing settlements. Most cities here have very diverse populations; human and other. I think you’ll discover that this world is far more dangerous than the one you left behind,” Balzac concluded.

  “You mean the world we were taken from,” said Andrew with an angry look.

  Balzac had the decency to lower his gaze and look ashamed. The squirrel nodded.

  “Yes. The world you were taken from. Like you, the sentient ones didn’t necessarily come over by their own free will. The animals just wandered through, and the plants naturally propagated through the portals as well.”

  “So, what are we looking at? Any other legendary creatures?” asked Joe. “Please tell me there are dinosaurs here! I love dinosaurs! Dragons would be awesome, too!”

  “If by dinosaurs you mean giant reptiles then, yes, there are dinosaurs,” Balzac answered. “Many are dangerous, though some have been domesticated. And yes, there are all sorts of dragons here. But, they are extremely powerful and shouldn’t be approached. Even the kindest are quite temperamental, and are as likely to eat you as speak with you.”

  “Awesome!” whispered Joe.

  “As for the other creatures, well, there are far too many to describe. You will undoubtedly run across more than you wish to in the course of your travels. Hopefully you survive the experience,” Balzac said darkly.

  “We saw zombies. What about vampires, ghosts, and werewolves?” asked Andrew. Joe may have had a thing for dinosaurs and dragons, but Andrew loved the classic horror monsters.

  “Yes. All of those and more. All dangerous. There are other shifters beyond werewolves, too. Lycanthropy spread like wildfire after the accident.”

  “Cool! I hope we get to meet some of them!” replied Andrew excitedly. Balzac paused and looked at him.

  “You heard me say they’re dangerous, right? They will try to kill you.” Andrew just smiled and nodded. Balzac facepalmed.

  “Tell us a little about civilization here. What do people wear? What do they use for money? What can we expect in the towns and cities?” interjected Ray.

  While he was interested in the answers, he mostly wanted to prevent Balzac and Andrew from fighting. Again. Luckily, the distraction worked.

  “Clothing is pretty basic, not unlike what you all were wearing when you got here. It varies enough that you wouldn’t stand out either. People are used to strange visitors. Generally, people use credits or bartering, depending on how large the community is. Some people use coins, but others have a chip inserted in their arms that you can use for credit and debit. That is pretty common and something you all will need to have done.”

  “No way. I’m not letting the Man have a way to track me. Not gonna happen!” Joe said defiantly.

  “The Man?” asked Balzac, confused. Joe nodded. “What man?”

  “The Man! You know, the government! I’m not giving the Man a way to spy on me!” Joe explained. Balzac facepalmed again.

  “What government? There is no solitary ruling government! I’ve explained this to you! I even spoke slowly and used small words! NOBODY CARES ENOUGH TO SPY ON YOU!” Balzac yelled. His eyes were wild and his tiny chest was heaving.

  “Dude, chill! No need to get so excited!” said Andrew, trying to defuse the situation.

  “You people are insane!” shouted Balzac.

  Joe looked at the others and stage whispered,

  “Little guy needs a Prozac or something!” The three men were honestly confused when Balzac stood up and stomped off.

  “Weird. I thought we were having a good time,” remarked Andrew. They all shrugged and went to bed.

  CHAPTER 8

  Balzac was back when everyone woke up the next morning. Cold chicken was eaten, gear was packed, and the metal magic carpet was flying over the countryside in no time.

  “How are we going to keep this meat fresh and safe to eat?” asked Andrew. “I’m really not interested in getting salmonella.”

  “If you’re a healer, priest, or whatever, you should be able to cast a preservation spell on it,” replied Balzac shortly. He was still kind of cranky from last night.

  “Cool! Any idea how I do that?”

  Balzac sighed and shook his head. “How do you heal? How did you squish the zombies? Just focus on what you want, target it, and let it go.”

  Andrew nodded.

  “Almighty Clarence, please bless this food and keep it fresh so we may eat it safely. Prevent it from giving us the runny shits. Amen!” chanted Andrew as he waved his hands over the container of meat.

  His hands began to glow. The food shone briefly, matching the gold of his hands. The process didn’t take long, and Andrew sat back shakily.

  “That should do it!” he said proudly.

  “Why do you insist on praying to Clarence? He’s a douchebag, not a god!” complained the fussy squirrel. Thunder shook the air. Balzac shook his tiny fist at the sky. “Oh, shut up! You’re not a god! Just an over powered prick with delusions of grandeur! Piss off!” Thunder rumbled again, and lightning flashed across the clear sky.

  “Um, Balzac? We’re on a hunk of metal flying through the sky. Could you not, you know, get us struck by lightning? I don’t wanna get my ass fried today,” stated Ray nervously. Balzac continued to glare at the sky.

  “Whatever,” he muttered. “He’s still not a god!” Andrew just gave him a knowing smile and stared into the distance.

  “SON OF A BITCH!” yelled Joe. He was staring at his iPhone.

  “What? What’s wrong?” asked Andrew.

  “My battery is almost dead, and I have no signal!” They all looked at him like he was crazy.

  “Dude, I’m pretty sure they don’t have cell phone service here. Why does it matter?”

  “WHY DOES IT MATTER? ALL MY MUSIC IS ON HERE! ALL MY PICTURES ARE HERE! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?” Joe roared in fury. The metal magic carpet started jerking around haphazardly as his concentration broke.

  “Joe, dude, could you maybe land while you throw your fit? We don’t wanna die…,” said Ray evenly, hoping not to set his volatile friend off any more. Andrew was frantically digging through his backpack, praying to Clarence he could find what he was looking for.

  The carpet dropped into a hard landing, and Balzac scurried up Joe to see what the problem was.

  “What is this glowing rectangle?” he asked.
“What is its purpose?”

  “It’s my iPhone! It holds my music, and it lets me text and talk to people.” He held it up to his head to demonstrate before showing the intrigued rodent how texting worked. “It has a camera and all my pictures! I wanted to keep a photo-journal of this place!” He started showing Balzac pictures on the phone.

  “That is impressive magic! I’ve never seen anything like that before!” said Balzac with wonder.

  “Do you guys have electricity? You know, like lightning?” Joe asked. Balzac nodded solemnly.

  “Yes, there is a great deal of lightning. Clarence LOVES STRIKING ME WITH LIGHTNING! DON’T YOU, YOU ANAL WART?” Thunder boomed once more.

  “Not that, Nut-sweat! Like maybe a power source, or a plug-in?” Joe asked hopefully.

  Balzac just looked mystified. Joe started to turn red and the metal carpet started to shake and rise. Everyone jumped off quickly. More metal started popping out of the ground, rapidly forming itself into dozens of small balls orbiting Joe.

  “Shit. If we don’t find a way to power that thing soon, he’s going to completely lose it,” said Ray. Balzac hurriedly leapt from Joe to Ray.

  “What’s wrong with him?” the disturbed squirrel whispered in Ray’s ear. “Is he insane as well as stupid?” Ray shook his head.

  “No. Well, maybe a little, but he has an addictive personality. Once he gets attached to something, it’s hard to get him to let it go. I mean, he kept his blankie until he was seventeen! Andrew shares some of his addictive tendencies too, but he’s not quite as bad,” Ray explained.

  Balzac muttered, “These heroes aren’t only defective and idiotic, they’re insane!”

  “I can hear you, you know,” commented Ray. Balzac nodded. “You were meant to.”

  “Oh, thank Clarence! I’ve found it! Here, Joe, this should take care of it.” Andrew tossed his brother another rectangle. “I thought I brought my portable charger! It’s solar powered so it should keep him happy.”

  Joe immediately calmed down when he plugged the phone in and it started charging. “Sweet!” was all he said. Everyone climbed back on the carpet and the journey resumed. Joe started playing music on the phone as he steered them through the air, his metal balls orbiting and dancing to the beat.