3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  “How do people communicate here?” asked Ray.

  “Mostly, they just talk to each other,” replied Balzac.

  “No, like, over a distance. Joe could call anyone in the world with his phone, provided he had their number. Is there anything like that here?”

  “Not really,” Balzac said. “I’ve heard they can do some of that over short ranges in the larger cities, but the same field that prevents high level flight keeps long distance communication from working. I have heard of some magic-users that can do it, but I know of no methods that utilize technology.”

  “What kind of magic-users are there? Actually, what kind of different powers will we see? You said there were aliens and mutants?” asked Ray. The other two guys looked very interested in the answer. Balzac sighed.

  “There are all types of magic users, all a little different. Wizards are the most common. They can cast spells, perform rituals, that sort of thing. While dangerous, they aren’t the most powerful of the group.” “Warlocks and witches generally make a deal with some sort of powerful entity. They are rare and don’t tend to live long, and they also get all the spells plus some sort of familiar. And Necromancers, well, you’ve seen their work. They take their power from death, and they’re just nasty.” Balzac paused before continuing.

  “As far as enhanced humans and mutants? You’ve got cyborgs. Do you know what those are?” The guys all nodded.

  “Roid-ragers, ragers for short. They get faster and stronger using drugs, but they burn out quickly because of it.”

  “There are also mutants of several types. The Brutes are strong and tough. They’re the most common. Then you’ve got the Flashers, who generally have some sort of energy power. The Zips are fast. The Ments have some sort of mental abilities, telepathy or telekinesis being the most common. There are also elementals like you, Ray, although most only control one element each. But, it seems like you might be able to cover all four!”

  “Healers are extremely rare and extremely valuable, so we’ll have to keep an eye on Andrew. Everyone will want him, and there are those that would try to kidnap him for his power. I imagine they would return him once he starts talking, though. Or kill him.” Andrew glared at the squirrel.

  “I’m right here, you know. You don’t have to talk like I’m not.”

  “I know, but I prefer to pretend you don’t exist. Now, hush. It’s hard to ignore you when you keep talking.”

  “What about me?” asked Joe. “Are there a lot of people with magnetism?” Balzac looked thoughtful before shaking his head.

  “No. I’ve never heard of another with your abilities. Hopefully nobody finds you valuable. I’d hate for anything to happen to you.”

  “Wow! Thanks Balzac! That’s the first nice thing you’ve said!”

  “It’s just that I’d hate to lose our transportation. You fat-asses wouldn’t get anywhere without a ride!” Balzac finished.

  “You’re a dick, dude,” Joe said as he flipped the squirrel off, a gesture that Balzac returned with enthusiasm.

  Conversation ended for a while after that. Joe kept them on their magic carpet ride, humming along just far enough off the ground to avoid obstacles. Andrew was “communing with Clarence,” which resulted in loud and obnoxious prayers. Ray was practicing with his fire and air abilities, and was strongly considering blowing Andrew off the carpet. Balzac was curled up, sleeping.

  “What the hell is that?” asked Joe, pointing off to the right of their path. The others all looked where he indicated. There were several large birds gathered in a circle. Every once in a while, they would see a flash of brown fur and hear a squeal of rage and pain.

  “Let’s go check it out,” said Andrew. Joe immediately veered in that direction, causing Balzac to slide across the metallic floor.

  “What the hell are you doing?” asked the groggy squirrel.

  “There’s something over there, and I want to see what it is,” responded Andrew. Joe landed and the four of them walked towards the group of animals. “Something’s in pain. I can feel it,” reported Andrew.

  “No shit. We can hear it crying out, dumbass,” replied Balzac. “Ray, why don’t you clear them out?”

  Ray nodded and raised his hand. He called up a wind to blow the birds away. They didn’t like the sudden gust and took off, leaving their victim laying out in the open.

  “It’s a bear cub!” shouted Andrew in delight. “It’s so cute!”

  “That’s no bear cub,” said Balzac. “That’s a Snarfuklbear. Leave it alone! Those things are monsters.”

  “But it’s hurt…” complained Andrew. “Nope, I’m saving it.”

  “Well, it’s a shame, but there’s nothing more we can do for him. Let’s go guys. He’s already dead, just not smart enough to know it.” With that Balzac started back towards the magic carpet, but he paused when he noticed that the others weren’t following. He shook his head and turned to watch the massacre.

  Andrew slowly approached the small beast. It had vicious spikes sticking through its back paws. The spikes were chained up to stakes in the ground, which prevented the creature from moving. The sounds it made were heartbreaking.

  “Easy, little guy. I’m here to help. Don’t bite me!” His hands started glowing gold as he spoke to the injured creature. It calmed down immediately and started to doze off. Andrew got down on a knee and gently pulled the spikes free, healing the injuries as he pulled them out. “Can I keep him?” he asked as he turned back around.

  Balzac and the others all shook their heads. Andrew looked dejected. He gazed at the odd-looking animal; it had three eyes, two in the normal places and one in the middle of its forehead, and three horns, each above one of the eyes. Reluctantly, Andrew began walking away.

  The three guys and their squirrel guide were nearly back to the metal magic carpet when they heard a sound behind them. The little monster was following Andrew, racing on his tiny legs as fast as they could go to catch up with his savior.

  “Yes!” shouted the delighted healer. He scooped the small creature up and cuddled him, before turning and carrying him to the carpet.

  Balzac was shaking his head as he scurried to the transport. “It will all end in tears!”

  “What should I name him?” asked Andrew. The others just looked at him blankly. “How about…Stubby? Do you like that name? I bet you do!” The Snarfuklbear looked at him adoringly and licked his face.

  “He loves me!” cheered Andrew.

  “He just wants to see what you taste like before taking the first bite,” replied Balzac sardonically. Andrew and Stubby both gave him dirty looks. Stubby growled at him.

  “What? It’s true!” Balzac insisted. “Nobody’s ever tamed one before!”

  “Can you tell us anything about these things? Why are they so dangerous?” asked Ray. “It looks like a teddy bear to me.”

  “I don’t know what a teddy bear is, but if it’s a demonic creature that deceives you by looking cute and cuddly before expanding to the size of a rhino and eating your face off, then I guess it’s a good comparison,” explained the squirrel. The critter made a happy face.

  “It does what now?” questioned Joe.

  “It’s an ambush predator. It looks small and helpless before expanding to monster size and eating you. I’ve heard of them killing dinosaurs before. Big ones.”

  Stubby appeared to be grinning and nodding his fuzzy little head.

  “Um, how smart are these things?” asked Ray.

  “Smarter than you all, that’s for sure,” the squirrel jabbed. “He can understand what you’re saying, if that’s what you’re asking. The meaning, if not the words.”

  “Aw, he’s smart and pretty!” gushed Andrew as he stroked his new pet’s fur. He sat and cuddled with the happy looking monster. The others looked at Stubby warily before turning to see where they were headed. Joe lifted the carpet off and they resumed their journey.

  CHAPTER 9

  “How much further to a town?” asked Joe. He was ge
tting very tired of the wilderness and was looking forward to civilization.

  “At the pace you’re moving, probably mid-day tomorrow. We could make it tonight, but they won’t be very welcoming. Nobody travels at night. It isn’t safe,” replied Balzac.

  “How much further until we make camp?”

  Joe wasn’t really tired, just bored. It was cool flying along on the metal magic carpet and all, but it got boring watching the landscape blur past.

  “It doesn’t really matter,” Balzac said. “If you see a good spot, just set us down. You’ve made good time today.”

  “Cool,” Joe replied. They travelled another half hour or so before finding a sizable clearing with a small creek running through it. Joe set the carpet down, turned it into a shelter, and plopped down on the ground.

  The rest of them finished setting up camp while Joe relaxed. He pulled his Magic cards out, shuffled his favorite deck, and waited for the others to finish so they could play a game. Ray and Andrew finished up quickly and joined their friend.

  “Is that the same game you played when you got here?” inquired Balzac.

  “Yeah, dude. It’s a great game,” said Ray without looking up from the cards. Balzac and Stubby sat there and watched as the boys played. They went on until it was too dark to see, but none of them were willing to play by firelight. They feared accidently losing cards to the fire.

  “Well, that was interesting. I think I’m starting to understand now. Different colored land cards mean you can put out different colored creatures and spells, right?” asked Balzac.

  They all nodded.

  “Each card tells how much damage it can take and give out, and the goal is to kill your opponents?”

  More nods.

  “You wanna try it sometime? We’ve got plenty of extra cards,” offered Andrew. The squirrel nodded.

  “I might, thanks.”

  They decided to call it a night. Everyone was excited to get to a town on the next day.

  However, sleep was interrupted by a thunderous roar. At first they thought it was thunder. Then the smell hit.

  “Dude! Who ripped ass? That’s foul!” complained Joe. Stubby whined and walked to the side of the lean-to, closer to fresh air. Another tremendous fart tore through the night.

  “Sorry, guys. Maybe that chicken didn’t preserve after all,” said Andrew as he clutched his stomach. More gas exited his burning anus as he spoke.

  “Shit, bro! Go wipe or something!” complained Joe.

  “I can’t help it! My stomach just cramped up all of a sudden!”

  “Can’t breathe! Dying!” wheezed Balzac. He didn’t look good. Ray grabbed him and tossed him out of the shelter, and the others followed as quickly as possible. Much to their surprise, they were greeted by the sight of five men facing them. They were tall and pale, and dressed in worn clothing. They smiled at the guys when they came out of the lean-to. Balzac was unconscious on the ground.

  “Good evening, gentlemen. How are you this fine night?” asked the one in the middle. Andrew answered by letting a fart squeal out.

  “We’re good. You?” responded Ray. His intent gaze never left the newcomers.

  He was confused and concerned. Balzac had said that nobody travelled at night, and Andrew’s ass was furiously pumping out noxious gas. This was all starting to feel uncomfortably familiar. The last time that this happened, they ran into the zombies. These guys obviously weren’t zombies, but what were they?

  “We are wonderful. Thank you. There does, however, seem to be a problem,” spoke the leader.

  “What’s up dude?” asked Joe.

  “Your speech is odd. We don’t get many strangers travelling through our territory. I’m afraid you must pay a tithe if you wish to continue your journey,” supplied the leader with mock sadness.

  “What’s a tithe?” asked Andrew.

  “You must pay us to go through our territory,” answered one of the other men.

  “Ummm, we don’t have any money…,” responded Joe. The five men looked at each other and chuckled.

  “We have no need of money. You have something else we require,” added another of the men. Andrew farted loudly. Stubby growled from where he was hiding his nose. One of the strangers looked at him.

  “Is there something wrong with you?” he asked Andrew, as he waved his hand in front of his face.

  “Enough of this!” exclaimed the leader. “We’re hungry, and you will feed us!”

  “Oh, okay. We’ve got plenty of fire chicken left.” Joe turned to grab the meat. “You all need a drink?”

  “Yes! Your blood!” all five men opened their mouths and showed fangs.

  “Holy hairy horse balls! Vampires!” shouted Andrew with another loud blast of gas. “Awesome!”

  His response confused the bloodsuckers.

  “You should be terrified, not excited. Are you stupid or something?” asked one of the vamps.

  “I’ve always wanted to meet a vampire!” exclaimed Andrew ecstatically. “Do you guys burn up in the sunlight, or do you sparkle? Please tell me you don’t sparkle. That would suck!”

  “Sparkle? Of course, we don’t sparkle! Please stop your incessant babbling. You’re giving me a headache! I much prefer my meals to be silent!”

  However, Andrew was not to be deterred. Joe and Ray both looked concerned and started to step out to the sides a bit.

  “Can you turn into a bat? I want to see that! Turn into a bat!”

  “What are you talking about? Are you insane? We can’t turn into bats!” said the leader.

  “That would be awesome though,” murmured another, wistfully. That got him a dirty look.

  “What about crosses? Do they bother you? Or garlic? Do you really have to stop and count things if I throw them in front of you?” Andrew was beside himself in excitement.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about! I’m hungry and you’re about to die! I sincerely hope we don’t catch your stupidity from eating you!” said the leader. Stubby didn’t like that much. He stood and growled, moving to stand beside his healer.

  The vampires paid him no heed, splitting up to attack the party. Two went for Ray on the right, two went for Joe on the left, the leader went straight for Andrew.

  Fire lit up the night as Ray roasted the two vampires attacking him. They went up like candles before even taking two steps.

  “Eat my balls!” shouted Joe as his metal orbs started ripping through the two vampires coming for him. Soon there was nothing left but a pulped mess.

  The leader didn’t see any of this, however. His charge was intercepted by an enraged Stubby, who was suddenly enormous. The demonic bear reared up and bit the vampires head clean off, swallowing it whole. He shrunk back to normal size, burped, and lay down at Andrew’s feet, looking up at him adoringly.

  “Dude! We just fought vampires! How awesome is that!” exclaimed Joe.

  “Why did they have to be so mean? They didn’t even answer all my questions!” complained Andrew.

  “Let’s go through their pockets. Maybe they have some loot,” suggested Ray. The others agreed.

  Andrew stepped up to the one Stubby finished off and rifled through his pockets. All he found was lint, an old pocket watch, and a few credits. Joe went over to his opponents.

  “This is nasty! They’re just…goo!” He carefully tried to their find pockets, but all he got was vampire gore all over his hands for his trouble.

  Ray looked at the crispy critters he’d created, shook his head, and walked away.

  “Maybe you should roast these, too. Just to make sure they don’t come back,” said Joe, pointing to the vamps he killed. Ray shrugged and unleashed a torrent of flame at them. The smell was sickening, but it did wake the squirrel up.

  “What happened? Where am I? What’s going on?” he asked, dazed.

  “We totally kicked some vampire ass!” exclaimed Andrew as he sat and petted Stubby. “Who’s a good demon bear? You are! Aren’t you?” he baby-talked to the happ
y monster.

  “Yeah, you fainted and left us to deal with the freaking bloodsuckers!” accused Joe.

  “I did not faint! I was overwhelmed by the toxic gases he was releasing!” he said, pointing at Andrew, who shrugged. “Now tell me what happened!” he demanded.

  The guys took a little time to tell him of their success against the vampires. Balzac shook his head.

  “You three losers took out five vampires in about that many seconds?” The guys nodded proudly. “Impressive.”

  The guys beamed at the compliment.

  “Those must have been the most incompetent vampires of all time!”

  The guys frowned.

  “I guess it’s a good thing Stubby was here to save you. Otherwise I’d be looking for new heroes. I don’t guess you have a taste for adventuring now, do you?” the squirrel asked hopefully. The three guys looked at each other and shrugged. Balzac looked hopeful, then they shook their heads. Balzac looked dejected.

  “Come on! You’ve survived several life-threatening situations! You’re excited about killing the vampires! You’ve already made the world safer for travelers!”

  Again, they declined.

  “GAH! SCREW YOU, CLARENCE! EVEN WHEN THEY SHOW A TOUCH OF COMPETENCE, THEY SCREW IT UP!”

  Thunder rolled across the sky. Balzac flipped it off and went back to the lean-to. The others joined him and soon dropped off to sleep.

  CHAPTER 10

  Civilization was…disappointing.

  “This place is a shitstain!” observed Ray. It really was. The buildings were dilapidated, it was dirty, and it smelled terrible.

  “People actually live here?” asked Andrew.

  “What did you guys expect? Giant buildings? Fancy shops?” They all nodded. Balzac facepalmed.

  “It’s a small farming community, and clearly there are very few luxuries. These people are dirt poor. We’re just stopping to introduce you to the people here, so you can see what the world is all about.”