3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  “What do you mean I don’t know what I’m doing? You all are making this more difficult than it has to be! I’ve guided you exactly right! It’s not my fault you refuse to cooperate every step of the way!”

  “Relax, scrotum, I’m just screwing with you! We want to get our stuff back so we can make some cash, but we still aren’t into the whole hero biz. Looks like you’re stuck as a squirrel for the long haul!” Joe said with a smile. Balzac stormed away, cursing the boys, Clarence, and life in general.

  “Hey! What’s that up there?” Andrew was pointing ahead of them at a small house. There were a couple outbuildings around it as well.

  “Well genius, it appears to be a farm-house. The flickering light you see is torch-light. Those other buildings likely have chickens and, possibly, other livestock,” explained Balzac slowly, exaggerating it as if speaking to a child.

  “No shit, taint-hair. I meant the two large lumps nearby,” replied Andrew.

  “Oh. I don’t know.”

  “Joe, can you take us over there?” asked Andrew. Joe nodded and headed that way. The larger lump turned out to be a cow, badly injured. Andrew immediately jumped off the metal magic carpet and knelt near the suffering beast.

  “Do you really have to heal every animal you see?” complained Balzac. Joe looked down at him.

  “You might want to think before you ask that question little dude.” Balzac looked at his fuzzy hands.

  “Oh, yeah. Good point. I forgot.”

  Just then, the smaller lump turned and groaned weakly. Andrew ran over and shouted, “Guys, it’s a man. Get over here! He’s hurt bad!” He immediately started healing the badly injured farmer, while the rest of them gathered around quickly. A few minutes passed, and the man started to recover.

  “Sir, can you tell me what happened?” asked Andrew softly.

  “Bandits… bandits came out of nowhere. They stabbed the cow, attacked me. They’re in my house!” The farmer’s eyes were wide and he was frantic. “My wife and kids are in there!”

  At that moment, the door burst open. Three small kids were flung through the door, screaming and crying. A woman was pushed out behind them. Soon, seven men poured out behind the frightened family, laughing. One of the men backhanded a young boy as he tried to defend what was obviously his mother.

  “Uh-oh,” said Ray. “That was a mistake.”

  “Are you going to burn them down?” asked Balzac. Ray sat on the ground beside the squirrel and shook his head.

  “Nope. Andrew’s gonna kick their asses. He doesn’t hold with people abusing women and children.”

  “Andrew? The healer? But there’s six of them!”

  “Seven, actually. But don’t worry. You’ll see,” Ray answered confidently. “Andrew is a black belt in several different martial arts. His parents made each of the boys learn some physical skills. Joe wrestled, but he was a much better fencer.”

  “I don’t know what that means,” said Balzac.

  “It means he’s very dangerous when he’s angry. Right now? He’s pissed!”

  Andrew stalked towards the men, his rage apparent in his stance.

  “HEY! DICK BAGS!” he yelled as he approached, “COME GET YOUR WHOOPIN’!” The bandits stopped laughing, and one of them stepped up to him.

  “Maybe you should mind your business, boy!” he sneered. Andrew responded with a straight punch to the villain’s nose, dropping him instantly. That got the attention of the rest of the bandits. They swiftly charged in to defend their fallen comrade.

  Andrew didn’t waste time on banter, instead saving his breath for the punishment he was dealing out. One man swung wildly at his head. Andrew ducked the punch and responded with a devastating blow to the jaw, shattering it instantly.

  The other five came in more cautiously, not that it did them any good. Andrew was a whirlwind of destruction, dropping men left and right. He dropped the last one with a kick to the balls that made all of the men present wince.

  “Assholes,” he spat as he walked away.

  “The dullard is actually a skilled fighter…,” murmured Balzac incredulously.

  “Yep. You should see Joe with a sword. It’s poetry, man, pure poetry,” replied Ray. “Do you think those are the same douche canoes that stole our stuff at the tavern?”

  “Could be. Maybe you should question them,” replied the squirrel. Ray nodded.

  Andrew was busy healing and comforting the woman and her children, while Joe was binding the bandits with pieces of metal, making sure they couldn’t move their hands or feet.

  “Hey Andrew, I know you’re pissed at these guys, but you’re gonna have to heal them up some, too. You messed them up pretty bad,” pointed out Joe. “That was awesome, by the way. Good job, bro!” Andrew inclined his head in acknowledgement, and reluctantly moved over the heal the bandits.

  “I’ll help them some, but I’m leaving them in pain. You don’t smack women and kids. Not cool!”

  The farmer rejoined his family and watched Andrew, awe apparent in all their faces.

  “Thank you so much! You saved us!” said the farmer’s wife.

  “No biggie, glad I could help,” responded Andrew with a shrug. The group then gathered up next to the downed bandits.

  “So, what are we gonna do with these shit bags?” asked Joe.

  “No idea. But first we need to ask them a few questions. I think they’re the same ones we saw in the tavern earlier, and I bet they either have our stuff or know where to find it,” replied Ray.

  “We ain’t talking,” claimed one of them.

  “Yeah, you will,” stated Ray with certainty. “Hey, farmer dude. Can we use your barn over there to have a chat with this bung-hole?” The farmer nodded. Joe pulled the now worried bandit to his feet and walked him to the barn.

  “Stubby, can you watch these guys?” asked Andrew. The demon-bear chuffed happily and walked over to sit by the remaining bandits. Ray, Andrew, and Balzac joined Joe by the barn.

  “How do you plan on getting him to talk?” asked Joe.

  “Are you going to torture him?” asked Balzac warily.

  “No! What’s wrong with you?” Andrew said with disgust.

  “Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan,” Ray assured. “You guys remember that song, Mississippi Squirrel Revival?” Andrew and Joe nodded with grins one their faces. Balzac looked mystified.

  “I’m not going to like this, am I?” asked Balzac.

  “Just play along. Don’t speak, and act vicious,” replied Ray with a smirk. The three guys walked in the barn with their befuddled squirrel.

  “Nothing you can do will make me talk!” shouted the bandit defiantly.

  “I think you’re wrong. Joe, strap down his pant legs please,” said Ray. Joe complied.

  “I know you’ve got a healer! I’m gonna tell my crew! They’ll come kill you two and take him! Healers are worth twice their weight in credits!” the bandit blustered. Ray brought out his secret weapon. Balzac.

  “Do you like squirrels?” he began. The bandit looked confused and shook his head. “This one is especially nasty. It’s a vicious little critter.” He held Balzac over towards the bandit.

  Balzac flexed his little claw and said, “Growl!”

  Andrew face-palmed. Joe just shook his head and muttered under his breath.

  “Yeah, he’s terrifying,” deadpanned the bandit. Ray shook the rodent a little.

  “He’s not much now, but just wait. You see, squirrels don’t like to be confined. They go nuts.”

  “Growl, growl!” Balzac hissed, baring his tiny little teeth.

  “They’ll start scratching and biting, just going crazy.” Ray moved closer to the bandit. He stood the villain up and grabbed the back of his trousers. “Just imagine what one of these things would do in your pants. I bet he goes right for the ol’ twig and berries, if you know what I mean.”

  “You wouldn’t!” the bandit replied, with something approaching fear on his face.

  “Oh yeah, I would. I
haven’t used the Mississippi Squirrel method in ages. It’s a lot of fun and extremely effective,” answered Ray. He pulled the back of the man’s pants open wide and lowered Balzac near the opening. Balzac started gagging and waving his little paws. He was shaking his head frantically. Ray was nearly overwhelmed with the smell of unwashed ass from his vantage point. He could only imagine what it was like for the squirrel so close to ground zero. He smirked at the thought.

  “You…you aren’t really going to put that animal in my pants, are you?” the bandit asked.

  “Depends on how talkative you feel. I think the little guy looks hungry. I can tell he’s got the scent now. No telling what kind of damage he would do,” warned Ray with a chilling grin. Andrew and Joe both turned away and struggled not to laugh. Balzac was coughing and gagging, begging with his eyes not to be dropped in the stink hole.

  “Okay, I’ll talk! You sick bastard, just don’t shove the squirrel down there!” Balzac looked so very relieved.

  “You better have something worthwhile to say. I have to admit, I’m almost hoping you don’t. I’d like to see what he can do.” The squirrel glared at Ray.

  “We took your stuff, okay? It’s in the house!” admitted the bandit.

  “Where’s your base?” asked Ray.

  “What? Why do you want to know that?” demanded the bandit.

  “None of your concern. Just answer the question.” He lowered Balzac just a bit, so the bandit could feel his fur against his lower back. Balzac nearly puked.

  “Southeast, near Sedli! In the woods! Please keep the squirrel away!” the bandit begged.

  “How many of you are there? What are they doing there?” demanded Ray.

  “I don’t know! Hundreds? We steal things, kidnap people, sell them as slaves. Please, keep it away!”

  “You sell people?! You sick bastard!” Ray was so infuriated he forgot himself, letting go of the poor squirrel.

  Balzac fell into the bandit’s pants. Joe lunged over, grabbed the hem and held it closed. The bandit’s eyes bulged as Balzac went berserk, desperate to escape the rancid stench. All the guys could see was the bulge that was Balzac, running rampant throughout the bandit’s pants. He was hacking and growling, and the bandit screamed shrilly before passing out. At this point, Joe finally released his grip on the man’s pants, releasing the irate squirrel.

  Balzac was covered with…questionable material. He staggered around before stopping and puking. When he was done, he looked up at Ray and Joe.

  “Why?” he pleaded. “Why would you do that? That was the worst smell…” he puked again. Andrew was rolling on the ground laughing. Joe nearly peed himself.

  “My bad. I got pissed and accidentally let go of you,” stated Ray.

  “Your bad, huh?” questioned the squirrel. “And you! What’s your excuse?!” He looked over at Joe.

  “I just thought it would be funny!” he guffawed, before falling to the ground laughing.

  “You thought it would be funny?!” shrieked the squirrel. He ran over and assaulted Joe’s face, punching, scratching, and kicking. “I ran through his nasty ass-crack! I had to squirm around his nuts! Do you have any idea how bad that smelled?” he screamed. Joe could only nod his head. He couldn’t catch his breath to speak due to laughing so hard.

  “ASSHOLES!” Balzac stormed out of the barn, or tried to. He had to squeeze underneath the door, robbing the moment of its dignity.

  “Harsh, dude,” stated Ray, as Joe stood up and fist-bumped him.

  “Yeah, but it was hilarious!” Joe was still wiping tears from his eyes.

  “That was classic!” agreed Andrew. “I’m not sure he’s going to forgive you for that, though!” The other two men shrugged. They exited the barn to see Balzac trying to wash himself in a bucket.

  “You okay little dude?” asked Ray. Balzac flipped him off.

  The three friends walked off to check on the farmer and his family again.

  “Are you guys alright?” asked Andrew. The farmer nodded.

  “Thanks to you. Is the man in the barn dead? We heard screaming…” Ray shook his head.

  “Nope. I really didn’t even hurt him. Just scared him a bit. I hate to ask you this, but we’re new around here—”

  “Yes, we can tell,” the farmer cut in. “You came through a portal?”

  The guys all nodded.

  “We will take care of the bandits,” the farmer told them. “I’ll send one of the kids to fetch the guards in the morning. We took the liberty of, um, relieving them of their money and weapons. It’s all yours, of course,” he offered. Andrew shook his head.

  “No way, dude. You keep it. They stole something from us in the tavern, though. Is it here?” The farmer nodded and sent his children to bring the bags out.

  “We can’t possibly keep all of this money,” the farmer insisted. “Can we split it? We owe you everything!” Reluctantly, Andrew agreed to this arrangement.

  They ended up with several small pouches full of credits. “It isn’t much, but it will help you start out. I wish we could do more. Of course, you’re welcome to sleep here tonight, and we will give you some food for your journey. I assume you don’t want to meet up with the guards?”

  “No, we’ve met. We need to get a move on anyway, but we’ll accept your offer. We’ll crash here tonight and head out first thing in the morning. We really appreciate your hospitality,” replied Andrew fervently. With that settled, they all went to bed.

  CHAPTER 12

  Balzac was still grumpy the next morning. They’d left the same time the farmer’s son headed into town, figuring there was no way they’d cross paths with the guards that way. The guys coaxed Balzac over to take a look at their haul from the bandits as Joe flew them along.

  “Not bad. You can buy some decent clothes and a few supplies with that, though nothing too fancy. But, it’s still more than I’d expect those bandits to have. Their crew must be pretty successful for thugs like that to be carrying that kind of cash,” noted Balzac.

  The squirrel was much cleaner at this point. His impromptu bath had improved his mood, and Ray heating the water for him had helped as well.

  “Okay, you dipshits have proven you can fight.” The squirrel then looked at Ray. “Well, except for you, Ray. Can you do anything?”

  Ray shook his head.

  “Nah, I get by on my charm and good looks.”

  “Oh really? I’m shocked you’ve survived this long,” the squirrel jabbed. “Anyway, you seemed to enjoy helping that family back there.”

  They all nodded.

  “And you still don’t want to be professional adventurers?”

  They nodded.

  “You do want to be adventurers?”

  They shook their heads.

  “Which one is it? You people make no sense!”

  “Let me say it simply, one last time,” started Ray. “We have no interest in travelling around looking for fights. We don’t care about glory. We just want to live our lives. If someone screws with us or people around us, well, we’ll do something about it. That’s it though,” he said firmly.

  “Then what, exactly, do you intend to do with your lives? You can’t go home without earning your way through adventure. Andrew is the only one with really valuable skills, which still blows my mind. How are you going to get by?” demanded Balzac. The guys just shrugged.

  “We’ll figure it out. Now, I have a question for you,” said Ray. Balzac nodded.

  “What if we did what you asked? What if we became adventurers, but turned bad? I’d bet, between the three of us and Stubby—” Stubby looked up at his name and gave his best demon-bear smile— “we could probably take over quite a bit of territory. I’d imagine we could attract quite a following, don’t you think? Andrew could convert a lot of people to worshiping Clarence with his abilities. We could turn our adventures into a holy crusade to rid the land of evil, and people wouldn’t realize we were the bad guys until it was too late. People would be safe under our rule, bu
t they sure as hell wouldn’t be free. What would you do then?” Ray prompted. Balzac held up a finger, opened his mouth, and then closed it.

  “I…I…I don’t know. I never thought about it. You all were chosen because you seemed to be good. Not especially smart, but you always tried to help people, even in your silly games. Is that what you plan on doing? Are you going to take over?” asked Balzac. He looked very concerned.

  “Not planning on it, but you never know. There’s an old saying back home, “Power corrupts,” and you’ve given us a lot of power,” Ray pointed out.

  “Is that why you don’t want to become adventurers?”

  “That’s part of it, I guess,” added Joe. “The truth is we don’t like to hurt anyone, and we don’t want to get hurt. All of us went to school to get jobs where we could help people. I can create new ways for people to work and communicate, Ray can make sure their buildings are safe, and Andrew could help them feel better. This world needs our help, but not necessarily in the way you were thinking. My schooling may not transfer well, but with my powers I can help Ray build whole cities. We can help keep people safe without chasing after fortune and glory.”

  Balzac looked stunned.

  “I never thought of you using your abilities for any other purpose than fighting,” the squirrel admitted. “I just don’t know what to say. I’m stuck with you no matter what happens, so I guess we just have to see where things take us. Maybe I should stop bothering you about running around righting wrongs. Maybe you can do it from a home base,” he said thoughtfully. The guys nodded.

  “But you have to understand, your power will attract attention. People will want what you have. If you build a strong city, people will want to take it from you. This land is not peaceful like your homeland. Civilization changed when those idiots started Tesla’s tower. It’s survival of the fittest. As powerful as you all are, there are always going to be some people you just can’t beat. What happens to the people under your protection when that happens? You will, literally, attract danger to yourselves and those around you.” The boys looked at each other, shocked.

  “We never thought of that. I guess we all thought we could just settle somewhere, help people out, and not have to fight for our lives all the time. Maybe we were wrong…” said Ray softly.