3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  “Look, we don’t have to decide anything right now. This conversation is getting way too deep. Let’s just play it by ear for now. Who knows, we could be dead by the end of the day anyway!” said Andrew, cheerfully. Everyone looked at him.

  “What?”

  They flew on in silence for a while. Balzac napped, cuddled up to Stubby. The boys were all lost in their own thoughts, until Joe noticed a change in the landscape.

  “Guys check out the trees and plants,” he said. They all started looking around. The trees were huge, far taller and thicker than any they’d seen before. The shrubs were likewise enormous. Balzac stirred and looked around a bit.

  “Looks like you get your wish, Joe,” he said with a yawn. “This is primeval forest. There are bound to be dinosaurs nearby.”

  “YES!” shouted Joe gleefully. He started trying to look in every direction at once, hoping to see his first dinosaur. The metal magic carpet responded poorly to his lack of attention. It started shifting and shaking all over the place, threatening to dump everyone.

  “Joe! Either pay attention or set this thing down before you kill us all!” demanded Andrew. Joe looked embarrassed and sat them down. “Crap. I was hoping he’d just pay attention. I don’t wanna walk,” muttered Andrew.

  Balzac scampered up to his usual perch on Ray’s shoulder, Stubby took position beside Andrew, and Joe gestured to make the magic carpet glide after them.

  “This is amazing,” marveled Ray as he admired the massive flora of the area. After a few minutes, the path they were following turned southeast and opened up into an enormous glade. There were dinosaurs everywhere. The men just stared with their jaws hanging open.

  “They all have feathers? What kind of happy horse shit is this?” asked Joe, crushed. “A triceratops isn’t supposed to look like a giant, horny parrot!”

  “Didn’t you tell us scientists theorized that some dinosaurs had feathers?” asked Andrew.

  “Yeah, but I didn’t think the big ones would be covered in them! I wanted them to look like giant lizards!” Joe exclaimed.

  “Calm down, they’re still dinosaurs. You get to see something people on our planet can only dream of!” Ray pointed out.

  “I guess you’re right. It is cool seeing them. These even come from all different eras!”

  “What do you mean, different eras?” asked Balzac.

  “Different points in history. Not all of them lived at the same time, you know,” answered Joe.

  “How do you know that?” asked the squirrel.

  “I started taking paleontology classes when I started college. I wanted to study dinosaur fossils. Problem was, there was no real money in it, so I switched to software. I still kept up with the dinos, though.”

  “So, you can identify all of them?”

  “Yep. I can tell you where they lived, what they ate, pretty much anything you want to know,” replied Joe proudly. Balzac shook his head.

  “You’d make a killing as a dinosaur wrangler.”

  “That’s a real thing? Like, working with dinosaurs?” Joe’s eyes were wide with excitement.

  “Yeah, some of them have been domesticated. But they can never find enough people willing to work with the giant monsters, much less anyone that knows anything about them,” Balzac informed.

  “Awesome!” replied a very excited Joe.

  “Hey, Ball-sack! You wanna hop down a second? I gotta take a leak,” asked Ray. The squirrel gave him a dirty look before scurrying down. Ray walked over to a giant fern for some privacy, while Balzac scampered ahead a little way to look around.

  “I wouldn’t go too far. There are bound to be predators around,” warned Joe.

  “I’ll be fine. I don’t see any. As long as I don’t get stepped on by one of these things I’ll be fiiiiiIIIIIINNNEEE! HELP MEEEEEE!!!!” screamed Balzac as a flying dinosaur swooped down and grabbed him before taking to the sky again.

  “That’s a pterodactylus antiquus!” said Joe “They’re some of the smallest pterodactyls!”

  “GEEEEETTTT MEEEEEEEE DOWWWWNNNN!” shouted Balzac again. He was putting up a good fight, clawing and biting for all he was worth. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working. The dinosaur kept a firm hold and continued to climb ever higher.

  However, that came to a quick end when a gout of flame shot from Ray’s hand straight into its path. The dinosaur let out a screech and dropped its prey before flying off, likely in search of an easier victim.

  “OOOOOOOHHHHHH SHIIIIIITTTT!” screamed the squirrel as he fell, wind milling his little arms and legs for all he was worth to try and slow his descent. The three men watched in horrified silence as their fuzzy little friend plummeted to earth.

  Desperate to save him, Ray saw one chance to help. He raised his hands and shot a gust of air straight at the squirrel, altering his trajectory just enough to…. SPLOOSH! The blast of wind had been barely enough to send the squirrel into a huge heap of fresh dinosaur manure. The friends ran over to check on Balzac.

  “Oh man! That’s nasty!” grimaced Andrew.

  “That’s brontosaurus shit!” added Joe helpfully. The pile was enormous and gave off a sickening smell. There were splatters all around and a crater in the center.

  “Who’s gonna climb in and check on him?” asked Ray.

  “How about the dinosaur expert?” suggested Andrew.

  “No way,” Joe declined. “He’ll probably need a healer, so you should go.”

  “Nope.” Andrew looked at Ray. “You got him in there, so you should get him out.”

  “Not gonna happen. Besides, I didn’t have an angle to do anything else!”

  While they were busy arguing, a small, furry, crap covered paw reached out of the top of the dung heap. Balzac climbed out and rolled down the mountain of poop. Stubby walked over, picked him up gingerly in his jaws, and then trotted over to Andrew, where he set the disgusting squirrel at his feet. The three guys looked down as the Snarfuklbear started licking the poop off the dazed Balzac.

  “Stubby! Stop that! It’s gross!” ordered Andrew. The bear looked up at him, grinning, and continued to lick the squirrel.

  “Balzac? Are you ok?” asked Ray. Andrew’s hands started to glow as he healed the furry rodent, from a distance.

  “So. Much. Shit,” was all Balzac could say.

  “Yeah, sorry. I didn’t have an angle to do anything else. I saw that giant pile and hoped it would be enough to break your fall,” Ray explained, believing his reasoning to be justified.

  “You made me fall there on purpose?”

  Ray nodded.

  “Saved your life, didn’t it?”

  Balzac sighed.

  “I guess. Thanks, I think.” He went back to laying quietly while Stubby cleaned him up.

  “Joe, could we maybe get going again? I imagine we’ll see plenty of dinosaurs by the time we’re done,” said Ray.

  “I guess. I was hoping to see a T-Rex, and maybe some Velociraptors,” said the dinosaur enthusiast longingly. “I can always come back though.”

  At this, they all got back on the metal magic carpet. Joe crafted a trough in the carpet for water, and stopped at a nearby pond so they could fill it up. Balzac got in the makeshift bathtub and started scrubbing the rest of the poo from his fur. All the while, Stubby sat there with a big grin on his face, looking extremely pleased with himself.

  CHAPTER 13

  They didn’t travel much further for the day. They were getting closer to one of the larger cities, Sedli, and Balzac wanted everyone prepared for the experience.

  “Alright, we need to go ahead and set up camp. We’ve got things to discuss before we get to the city,” said Balzac.

  “What’s up, dude?” asked Ray.

  “Based on what I saw in the last town, I don’t think you’re prepared for the city. You’re going to stand out a little bit, but people expect that. You won’t be the first weirdos from another dimension to walk through. The way you speak and behave will be very important. Also, there will be alien
s and enhanced humans, so don’t stare. You don’t want to start any fights.” The squirrel hoped this explanation would help to avoid a repeat of the last disaster.

  “Nothing too shocking yet, fuzzball. Even we know it’s rude to stare,” replied Andrew.

  “Here’s one for you, specifically, dipshit. You’re going to see some poor, miserable people. Some are going to have injuries, and some will be sick. You absolutely CANNOT start healing people,” Balzac stated firmly. Andrew was not pleased. The others were confused.

  “Wait a minute. I thought we were here to help people! Isn’t that what you’ve been harping on since you brought us here? Why wouldn’t he help people?” protested Joe.

  “Yeah! The holy Clarence requires me to heal those in need!” added Andrew. Balzac shook his head.

  “That’s another thing. Quit worshipping Clarence! You can’t heal people because it would draw attention, and we really don’t need that right now. You have to stop praying to that douche canoe for the same reason!” snapped Balzac hotly. Thunder boomed across the sky.

  “Oh, shut up! Get your fuzzy ass down here and listen!” the squirrel demanded.

  Poof! A cute little bunny appeared next to the squirrel.

  “What do you want, Balzac? I’ve got better things to do than sit here and listen to you whine all day!” asked Clarence testily.

  “Will you tell this moron to stop worshipping you?”

  “Why would I do that? I kind of like it,” responded the rabbit. Balzac shook his head.

  “For one, you’re too stupid to be a god.”

  Clarence flipped him off.

  “Two, if he continues to do so and word starts to spread, soon others could start worshipping you too,” replied the squirrel.

  “Still not seeing a problem here,” retorted Clarence.

  “Are you a god??”

  Clarence shook his head.

  “Exactly,” Balzac said. “Do you think the actual gods or, you know, God, would appreciate you taking worshipers from them?”

  Clarence stilled suddenly.

  “Ummm…”

  “Precisely. Keep encouraging him and an actual deity will fry your furry ass!”

  Clarence sighed. “Good point. Okay, Andrew. Quit worshipping me. I’m not a god. I’m just an extraordinarily powerful, handsome, intelligent, and wise man. You were brought here for a specific purpose, but praising me isn’t it.” Clarence looked at Balzac. “Happy now?”

  Balzac nodded.

  Poof. The bunny was gone.

  “What the hell was that?” demanded Andrew. “He just came down here and cock-blocked my belief system and then poofed away? What a bunch of shit!” Andrew sat down and sulked. Stubby came and snuggled into his lap, licking his face.

  “Dude! Stop that! You’re breath smells like dino shit!” Andrew protested.

  “So what else have you got, squirrel? Wanna stomp on anyone else’s nuts while you’re at it?” None of the boys were pleased with the way Andrew had been treated.

  “I’m just trying to keep you all alive. Praying to Clarence, healing people, using your abilities in public… all of that could cause a lot of problems! We also need to take care of supplies, and probably get you all chipped.” Joe started to protest.

  “No!” the squirrel shouted. “I don’t want to hear about “the Man keeping you down!” If you want to make it in this world, if you want to stay, it has to be done!” Balzac said with finality.

  “What about you?” asked Ray. “Aren’t people gonna find it strange that we’re walking around with a talking squirrel?”

  Balzac shook his head. “Talking animals aren’t unusual here, so it won’t be a big deal. We need to get information on these bandits you want to hunt down, too, preferably without letting them know you’re looking for them. That would be another good way to get killed,” stated the squirrel solemnly. The guys all looked at each other.

  “Fine. How far to the city?” asked Joe.

  “It won’t take long on your carpet ride. If we leave in the morning, we will be there by mid-day.”

  “Well, we still have a lot of daylight left. What do you all want to do?” asked Joe. Andrew was already snoring with his demon bear.

  “Well, I want to know about this whole ‘Clarence isn’t a god’ thing,” said Ray. “You talked like there were a whole bunch of gods and they wouldn’t like Clarence being one. What gives?”

  Balzac considered the question. He looked sad.

  “I guess it’s time to tell you the story. Wake up that snoring moron over there. I don’t want to have to tell this story twice. CLARENCE! GET YOUR TAIL BACK DOWN HERE!” he shouted at the sky.

  Poof! A cranky looking rabbit appeared again.

  “WHAT? I’m trying to fluff my tail! What do you want now?” he demanded. Balzac looked at him seriously.

  “It’s time we told them our story. They have questions and I believe they deserve answers,” he said solemnly. Clarence looked at him, surprise evident in his fuzzy features.

  “Are you sure? We’ve never shared this before.” Balzac nodded. “I’m sure. I’ll start, and you just fill in where you need to, if you need to,” replied the squirrel. Clarence nodded.

  “Clarence! You’re back! You didn’t forsake me!” shouted Andrew in glee.

  “Shut up, dipshit. I’m not here to be worshipped. After this story, you definitely won’t be praying to me anymore,” Clarence responded dejectedly.

  “What’s up fuzzy dudes?” asked Ray. Something was obviously wrong with the two forest creatures.

  “We have a story to tell, one we’ve never told anyone before. It will answer your questions on gods, the state of the world, and why we brought you here. You’ll know why I’ve been so insistent on getting you all to be heroes. The only problem is, you will likely hate me, hate us, when the story is done,” explained Balzac as Clarence nodded along.

  “It can’t be that bad, Balzac. We don’t hate easily,” replied Andrew, serious for a change. The other two nodded in agreement.

  “I hope you’re right,” Balzac murmured. Then, he and Clarence began their story.

  CHAPTER 14

  “Let’s start with gods. When the calamity happened that ravaged this world—” Balzac saw Ray start to interrupt.

  “Give me time, I’ll get there,” the squirrel pleaded. “This part’s easier to tell.”

  Ray subsided with a nod.

  “Anyway,” Balzac continued, “the calamity that ravaged our planet brought magic back, as you already know. It also woke up the old gods. The deities of all the ancient civilizations came back and started pulling in followers. It became quite the power struggle for a while.” “Furthermore, as you might have guessed, the different pantheons started fighting, which led to even more problems for this poor planet. They eventually called a truce, allowing them to keep the followers they had and establish rules for gaining more, but we won’t go over all that now,” Balzac stated, looking at each guy in turn. “Before you ask about God, with the big ‘G’, I’ll try to explain that a bit. This knowledge has been passed down for generations. Clarence,” the squirrel addressed, “feel free to jump in if I miss something.” The bunny nodded.

  “All gods draw power from the same source. They take on the aspects assigned to them by the people that believe in them. God is that power source. He shares power with the lesser gods so they can carry out their assigned duties. Of course, that is a vast oversimplification, but the full story would melt your insignificant human brains,” he continued. He appeared to be serious.

  “So, let me get this straight,” cut in Ray. “The gods from all the old mythologies are real?”

  Balzac and Clarence nodded.

  “They are aspects of God, big G,” Ray went on, “and get their power from Him?”

  More nods.

  “He allows them to do their thing, basically acting on His behalf as long as they do their jobs, and these gods were essentially created by human imagination?” Ray had reached t
he end of his summary.

  “Yep, you seem to have a good grasp on it,” replied Clarence, somewhat impressed.

  “So what are you two?” Joe pointed to each of the fuzzy creatures. The two animals shared a look.

  “We’re…complicated,” replied Balzac. Clarence shrugged at the description before nodding.

  “How does this explain what happened to the world and why you brought us here?” asked Andrew.

  “We’re getting there. Be patient. It’s not easy for us to tell this,” answered Clarence. The bunny looked at the squirrel.

  “How should we proceed? Tell the story, or initiate a flashback?”

  “I think flashback. It will be easier for them to understand if they see it,” replied Balzac. Clarence nodded.

  “Very well.”

  “Guys, we’re right here. We can hear you and everything. You could, I don’t know, talk to us?” interjected Joe.

  “Silence, mortal! Adults are speaking!” declared Clarence. The three guys looked at each other and shrugged.

  “Let’s get this over with,” sighed Balzac. Clarence nodded. The two looked at the three guys and waved their cute little paws. The world started to spin, and the men sat abruptly. Colors started blasting into their brains. Suddenly, they were somewhere else, someone else…

  * * *

  “Are you sure this is a good idea, little brother?” Clarence asked nervously. Clarence was tall and skinny, with dirty blonde hair and glasses.

  “Damn right, I’m sure!” replied the other boy. This boy’s appearance was remarkably similar to his brother’s.

  “We can make the world a better place!” he shouted passionately. “Free energy, transmitted wirelessly! Just think of the possibilities; electric cars that run forever, reducing the carbon footprint of the world; green energy sources powering everything! We’ll be heroes!”

  Clarence looked at his younger brother, basically a mirror image of himself. “I know, I just don’t want to go to jail. We wouldn’t do well in jail, Barry!”