(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  At best it looks like it'll heal, at worst I'll have a one inch scar on the back of my upper thigh which is fine considering it could've been so much worse for me had I sat down differently.

  God, just thinking about where I could have been stabbed in my body makes me shiver again uncontrollably beside Malcolm.

  "I'm so sorry you were hurt again, Saige. I can't stand this, and I'm losing to mind right now imagining-"

  Cutting him off as he starts to freak out totally I tell him my immediate plans. "I'm getting drunk when we get back to your place, Malcolm. Like hammered until I pass out, okay?"

  "Whatever you need to do, Saige," he squeezes my hand resting between us in his SUV.

  *****

  "It's time for bed, baby. There's a bowl beside you on the night table if you feel sick, and I'm right here for you, okay?"

  Giggling, he looks so cute in his jammies until groaning I push my foot back on the floor in front of me. My thigh is killing me, and I'm not sure but I actually might throw up soon.

  "I have the spins," I laugh and moan at the same time. Jesus, I did get drunk. "Um, how much did I drink?"

  "An even five very strong vodka and oranges. I tried to stop you at 3 but you got mad and yelled at me," he grins.

  "Sorry."

  "No worries. Can you lie down now?" He asks pulling down the sheets.

  "I'm not that drunk, ya know? But I really should sleep now I think."

  "Just lie back slowly and I think you'll pass out quickly."

  "Okay," I giggle again leaning back until my leg throbs. "I can't believe I got knifed today," I burst out laughing. "I'm like a gangster chick now," I laugh so hard Malcolm lifts me up into bed to pull the covers over me.

  "Yup. A badass gangster chick. Just think, you'll be a lawyer in a few years and you can get yourself off."

  Wow, I think he meant that innocently, but my mind goes dirty instantly. "I don't really get myself off cuz it's kind of boring and pointless when you could do it- Oh!" Giggling as I blush beet red, I catch myself from saying too much.

  "Saige... Please don't be a drunk tease," Malcolm growls so sexily I kiss him quickly before he pulls away from me. "Never drunk like this," he grins. "It's time for you to pass out now."

  "Okay. Thanks for taking care of me tonight again. Like with my leg, and stuff."

  "You're welcome," he smiles down on me.

  "Malcolm?"

  "Yes, Saige?"

  "Um, why do you like me? And I'm not being insecure and pathetic. Well, I am, but not really. I just want to know because you say such nice things to me and you do so many good things for me, and I reeeeeally like you, too. So I just want to know why you like me."

  Sitting back down beside me as I sit up against his headboard, Malcolm asks, "Are you going to remember this tomorrow?"

  "Yup. I'm drunk, but not drunk drunk, so I'll remember everything you say."

  "Okay, well, what's not to like?"

  "Oh." Pouting, that isn't what I wanted to hear. "I don't really know." Shrugging again, I kind of let him know without saying what I think is wrong with me.

  "Okay, forget it. You want to know what I like about you?" Nodding at him he smiles and actually says, "How could I not like you? You're everything I could have ever wanted in my life, Saige."

  "Really?"

  "Yes, really."

  "Like how?" I almost giggle.

  "Fishing?" He grins.

  "Nope. I need to know, but I'm not looking for compliments or anything. I just want to know what you think you like about me so I understand." Huffing, I admit, "Because I don't really understand anymore why you would like me when you're you, ya know?"

  When Malcolm sits higher on his bed and leans against the headboard beside me he actually lifts me over his legs in between them against his chest. Flinching at the quick pain, he slows his movements and apologizes for my leg being hurt when he moved me.

  "You break my heart, Saige."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Don't be. And I don't mean it like that. I hate seeing you in pain, and I hate what’s happened to you this summer. That's what breaks my heart."

  "Is that why you like me then? Because I've been hurt a lot and I'm kind of weak?"

  Shaking me a little, Malcolm breathes a heavy, "God, no. That isn't it at all. That's just something I hate. And I honestly don't think you're weak at all. Yes, physically," he adds when I attempt to argue. "Yeah, you're tiny and physically weak, but I mean emotionally. You're not as weak as I think you think you are right now. You've been through a lot these last few months, but you still go to work, still argue with me, still fight each day to keep going, and you're still moving forward. That isn't weak to me."

  "Malcolm?" Whispering his name, I feel so sad suddenly. "I'm leaving in just under 2 months. On the 6th of September I'll be moving away."

  "Do you know how far Harvard is from here?"

  "Really far," I exhale.

  "It's a 3 1/2 hour drive, Saige. That's it. It's the kind of drive I make mid-afternoon Friday to see you by dinner, and the kind of drive I make late Sunday evening after we've spend 2 whole days together. It's nothing I wouldn't drive to see you," he says actually raising his legs to shelter me within the warmth of his body. "It's nothing, Saige," he whispers again.

  "You're going to visit me?"

  “Every weekend. And you'll come home to me on your breaks and over Christmas and during reading week, and every other break you get. So you leaving doesn’t have to mean anything for us.” Holding me tighter, Malcolm kisses my head and says softly, “Distance means nothing for us.”

  "Oh..." Suddenly seeing a future that can still include Malcolm changes the way I see Malcolm. He doesn't have to be someone I can't have. "You aren't someone I have to leave then."

  "No, you don't have to leave me. And I'm not going to be someone who leaves you, Saige. I'm not them," he says against my hair squeezing me tighter to his chest.

  He's not them.

  Feeling a huge weight lifted off my chest, I feel peace settle in its place. I feel tears coming, but finally they’re not sad ones.

  I'm not sad, and I'm not scared because he's not them and he says he's not going to leave me. And I don't think I want to be left by Malcolm ever.

  "You're not going to leave me..." I moan into our silence.

  Against me Malcolm breathes, "Never," as a shiver works its way down my spine. "I'm not leaving you, Saige. I'm just going to love you."

  "Why?" I whisper desperately.

  "Because you're my fiery, red-headed lass. You're smart and strong, and you hand me my ass and do it with style. You are someone I want to come home to and someone I want to love. I think you're beautiful, Saige. Physically, you're just this gorgeous little sprite I want to hold, but you're so smart you're also a woman I want to love with. You make me want to be like my parents."

  "Really?"

  "Yes, really. Always loving, sometimes fighting, and always fu-"

  "Oh!" Gasping I cover my face with my hands giggling.

  "Fun. I was going to say fun," he bursts out laughing, which makes me turn redder. "Jesus woman, get your mind out of the gutter," he laughs again as I giggle against his chest. "Loving, and fun, and fiery, and real. I want to love you, Saige. That's all.”

  Not looking at Malcolm, I ask, "And the other f-word?"

  "I want that, too. Obviously. But again, I'll wait until you're ready, and I'll wait until you trust me to stay."

  "I think I do trust you."

  "No, I think you distrust me less than others. But I don't think you truly trust me yet with your body and mind, or especially with your heart. And I get why you wouldn't- I know the shit you've been through and the losses you've had. I actually understand why you can't trust me, it just sucks for me because I'm real and I'm right here."

  "I know that, Malcolm. And I think I actually feel it now."

  Shaking me slightly, Malcolm whispers, "Saige, it's that voice, so unsure and so sad that breaks my heart.
When you know you feel it, I'll still be right here waiting for you, okay?"

  "Okay," I choke up a little when he hugs me tighter. "I really like you, Malcolm. I want you to know that."

  "I know you do," he kisses my head again. Slowly lowering us in the bed I'm still wrapped in his arms lying down with him.

  Leaning over me to turn the light off, Malcolm actually spoons me for the first time and I feel so warm, and sad, and happy, I kiss the arm resting across my chest.

  "Good night, ye wee leprechaun," he whispers as I grin.

  "Good night sweet, sweet, Mallie," I croon squeezing his arm against me tighter.

  The FUTURE

  CHAPTER 29

  "I'll see you at 12:20," Malcolm kisses me quickly practically running for the door.

  “You know I have a car, right?”

  “Yes, but I like spending my lunch-hour with you," Malcolm says so sweetly, I lean in to hug him. "And we'll go straight to Dan and Karen's when I pick you up at 6."

  "Okay. Have a good morning," I walk him to the door. "We'll grab the wine on our way?"

  "No, I’ll get it after work. Oh, don't forget the cheesecake though. Dan said we can't come without it."

  "Yeah, Karen mentioned that in her text," I grin. "See you later," I lean in for a last kiss before he runs out the door late.

  "See you soon," he kisses me back against the wall. A little heavier than usual as I wrap my arms around his neck and tip-toe for more.

  Kissing, Malcolm finally pulls away only to lean against my forehead moaning, "Killing me..." Which naturally makes me laugh.

  "Sorry," I squeeze him tight. Going for it, I say the unimaginable at the worst possible time as he's running out the door. "Um, I don't think I'll be killing you for much longer." Blushing furiously, Malcolm's eyes widen and his sexy growly smile makes me nearly jump him on the spot.

  "See you at 12:20," he beams turning for the door. "Set the alarm," he says walking to his SUV backward so he can keep looking at me blush. "Text me your thoughts, Saige."

  "I will," I smile at him before closing the door and setting the alarm.

  Diving on his couch, I think about the last 3 weeks here and I know I'm ready. Malcolm has been as sweet as ever, and I actually feel ready now. The spooning at night has been so amazing he warms me inside and outside but he never does anything or tries anything because I haven't said I’m ready yet- just like he promised me he wouldn’t.

  A few days after I unofficially moved in I even started my period and though we didn't discuss it, I knew he knew by my bedtime track pants and t-shirts, and yet he was exactly the same with me, if not sweeter.

  One night he brought out a bowl of popcorn with melty M&M's mixed inside and just held me in his arms while we watched a show about super-hot firemen. He brought me my favorite snack, though not for PMS, but it didn't matter. He remembered what I liked and brought it to me without discussing anything I was uncomfortable discussing with him yet, like having my period.

  Then there’s just all the normal things we do. We have breakfast together no matter what, and we have dinner together whenever I’m not working. Malcolm even goes to the gym when I’m working so our free time is spent together. We cook together, tidy together, and even clean the house on Saturday mornings together.

  We’ve had a water fight in the yard which I won, and we finished my awesome coffee table, which I love. We’ve cuddled up in the backyard at night with a bottle of wine just talking, and we’ve kissed each other breathless under the stars.

  It’s been so normal and nice, I look forward to all my time with Malcolm.

  And yes, I want him. Plain and simple. I want to have sex with him, maybe even tonight after dinner.

  'Don't reply okay?'

  'OK.' He replies making me laugh.

  'Smartass.'

  ':p'

  'Okay. I think I'm ready for touching now. I'm not sure if I'm ready for actual sex, but I do want to touch you and I really want you to touch me. I'm nervous though because I haven't had anyone touch me since that night. Obviously. And sometimes I still feel his fingers inside me, hurting me, and I hate it. I don’t think I could handle you behind me yet, but I don't think of you bad at all so I doubt I would confuse my feelings with you with what happened to me that night. But I AM nervous I might. Don't reply.'

  'OK.' He replies and I almost cry for the lightness he always gives me when I'm stressed out.

  'I’m falling in love with you finally. Or maybe always. I don't know. But you were right, there IS something special between us and I love it. I've been in your home for 3 weeks, and every day just gets better. I love our breakfasts together and I love sleeping beside you. I even like cooking dinner for you when I'm home because you don't expect it or need it like Tyler did. I just do it because it makes me happy to feed you, which is way too domesticI know.;) Don't reply.'

  'OK.'

  'So after dinner, if this feeling is still here, which I think it will be, I'd like you to touch me a little when we get home. I love your huge paws Malcolm, and I kinda want to be pawed now.' Grinning, I know he just laughed at that.

  'Lol' I knew it.

  'So tonight after dinner I'm going to say touch me when I'm ready and I hope you're ready to touch me too?' Waiting for his reply, it comes back quickly.

  'I'm ready, Saige. But YOU have to be sure. I don’t want to scare you, and I don’t want to hurt you ever. I’m nervous to touch you because I don't want to be the man who freaks you out.'

  'You're not. You're the man who DOESN'T freak me out.'

  'That was the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. And I'm grinning like an idiot on the side of the road right now. I'm glad my crew can't see me.'

  'You're going to be late.'

  'Don't care. I care about you, Saige.'

  'I know. Now go to work. I'll see you soon. xo'

  'I’m very happy Saige.'

  'Me too. When you pick me up please don't talk to me about this, okay? I need to just feel this without discussing it again until later. Can you try to be normal when you drive me to work?'

  'I'll try. But I can't promise I won't be grinning, or smiling, or whistling, or dancing, or even singing when I see you.'

  'Yikes! I’m driving myself to work then.

  'Not. A. Chance. Fine, I won't sing.'

  'Thank god.'

  'Smartass.'Malcolm texts the last word as usual.

  *****

  When the alarm signals Malcolm at 12:20, I'm nervous we’ll be tense or somewhat awkward.

  "Hi, Saige."

  "Hi back," I smile when Malcolm approaches me.

  Ducking down low, Malcolm kisses me long and deep until lifting me right off the ground I'm gently pushed against the wall with my legs wrapped around his waist.

  Kissing me breathless, Malcolm finally pulls away to ask, "Is this okay?"

  "Yes," I moan feeling myself move my body a little against his stomach unconsciously. "It’s very okay."

  "Good. Now let's go," he smirks letting me slide down his body to the floor. Almost irritated that he stopped, I mutter who's the tease as I make my way to his SUV.

  Once in the truck, Malcolm is smiling nonstop, and it's infectious. Every single time I glance over at him he's smiling, and I'm smiling, and we seem like total idiots, which eventually makes me laugh as well. But we still don't talk about anything like I asked him not to.

  "I'll see you at 6:00," he smiles again leaning over the front seat to quickly kiss my lips.

  "With cheesecake, I know."

  *****

  By 6:00 I'm officially delirious.

  I keep thinking about tonight wishing I hadn't said anything so I could have just sprung it on Malcolm. But then I'm also glad I told him so we're on the same page tonight if I’m still ready.

  "How's my wee Leprechaun?" Malcolm asks behind me and my whole body shivers as I lean into him. With my back against his chest, Malcolm kisses the side of my neck and whispers, "I missed you today."

 
"Me too," I nod.

  "There are no expectations tonight, Saige. We're just having dinner with the Ciccone’s and then we're going home together. Everything can move when you're ready, or stop if you're not. I promise."

  Pulling away from his arms I turn to look at his stern, I'm making a promise to you face. He's so serious and such a man of his word, I realize I love his honesty and patience with me always.

  "You're so special, Malcolm," I choke up when his face softens in front of me. "Let me go get changed."

  "Saige, I feel like you're saying goodbye or something right now. There's something you're not saying, and I feel nervous suddenly."

  Breathing deeply, I say the exact opposite. "I'm not saying goodbye at all. I hope I'm finally able to show you why I'm here with you, and where I want to be with you."

  Looking at me closely, Malcolm looks almost sad, but not quite. There's some unknown emotion on his face I can't read, but I don't want it there. I don't want him to feel anything but happiness with me tonight and always.

  "Are you happy with me?"

  "Very," he nods.

  "Me too. So let me go change and grab the cheesecake."

  Walking away from Malcolm, I'm amazed that we're still in the restaurant surrounded by watching eyes. I know Mike watched our whole exchange, yet I felt so absent from everyone and everything I didn’t notice anyone but Malcolm.

  As often happens, Malcolm makes everything else fade away until I only see and feel him in front of me. Nothing else exists for me anymore but Malcolm, I suddenly see clearly.

  And tonight I'm going to love him back.

  *****

  Laughing my ass off at Malcolm and Dan going at each other, I'm relaxed and happy. Though older than me, Karen and Dan welcomed me into their gorgeous home and after a brief introduction to their 2 daughters before they were picked up by Dan's sister for a sleepover, everything has been very fun, relaxed, and amazing all evening.