(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  Malcolm and I are side by side across from Dan and Karen and dinner was delicious.

  "Time for dessert?" Karen asks with Dan and Malcolm both nodding yes. "I guess this cheesecake is the shit. Dan didn't even want me to make dessert tonight," she pouts as we walk to the kitchen together.

  "Yeah, it seems to be everyone's favorite. I prefer the bread pudding, but I'm Scottish so that's kind of our thing," I grin. "Your home is stunning, Karen," I look around at her kitchen which closely resembles Malcolm's.

  "Thank you. Interior Designer wife plus Contractor husband equals a beautiful home. Or an epic fail," she laughs.

  "Beautiful, definitely."

  Watching Karen brew the coffee and take the cheesecake from the fridge I have the feeling were going to have a heavy conversation soon. Like the typical warning 'don't hurt Malcolm', or the 'I don't think you're good enough for him' speech. Maybe even the ‘I think you’re too young for him’ observation- something is coming, and I'm almost sad that it’s going to happen after such a good night.

  "I love Malcolm to death, Saige," she turns to me smiling. Here we go, I cross my arms against my chest bracing for it. "We always joke I picked the wrong man the night I met him and Dan together, and though obviously we don't mean it, there's a part of me that loves Malcolm just a little bit more than brotherly, you know?"

  "No, I don't," I just catch myself from snapping at her as I breathe deeply.

  "Oh, not like that," she reaches for me. "More like, he's the only person I would give my kids to if something happened to me and Dan. He's just that guy, Saige. And Dan feels the same way about him. Malcolm is our best friend and our brother, and he's just so good, I want him to find something special with someone."

  "I-"

  "And you're it for him. Yes, you're younger, but he doesn’t care. You should hear him talk about you- it's so friggin cute. Not that he acts cute, or like gushy or anything. It's just the way he says things like, 'I have to go get Saige so she's not alone', or 'I want to get back to Saige so she's not afraid.' Um, he wants you to be happy and secure I think, and I know that matters to him which is what's so cute about all this for me."

  Everything Karen's saying makes me feel like Malcolm thinks I'm weak and pathetic. "Does he think I'm incapable of dealing with anything myself? Does he just want to take care of me because I’m weak?"

  "Not at all," she squeezes my arm again. "He's totally, completely, ridiculously in love with you. I just know your physical safety is important to him and he wants you to feel better than you did when you first met. I know what happened to you," Karen says gently but I flinch anyway. "Dan told me the night they saw you at the restaurant, and Malcolm asked me about it from a woman's perspective," she adds quickly.

  "I'm not talking about that with you. And I'm a little embarrassed that Malcolm would have."

  "He was afraid to freak you out, that's why he talked to me about it. And you know what I said?" She asks cutting off my irritation until I shake my head no. "I told him to be patient and to just wait for you to be ready. I told him he’ll never understand as a man, but also as a huge, confident man what it feels like to be afraid of being hurt by others. I told him to be patient and to be there for you however he could be until you finally saw how amazing he is."

  "I know how amazing Malcolm is," I sigh. "I've always known, but it's hard to just move on sometimes. There was other stuff going on as well, and I'm leaving for Harvard in September so I didn't think it would work, or that I could even make it work."

  "Didn't think," she grins. "But now you think it might?"

  Nodding, I say everything. "I want it to work out now."

  "Good. Because Malcolm is dying to love his wee leprechaun," she actually tries but butchers the Scottish accent so badly I burst out laughing. "Not good?" She laughs.

  "Horrible. You sounded almost Middle Eastern or something," I laugh again. "Thank you for the talk. I can see why Malcolm loves you so much."

  "Because she's hot?" Dan suddenly asks from the doorway.

  "That too. Thank you for having me over for dinner. I've really enjoyed myself," I turn back to Karen who hands me the cheesecake. "And this is to be split evenly between you and Malcolm, understood?" I glare at Dan.

  "Of course," he agrees. "But Karen's piece comes from Malcolm’s side," he laughs exiting the kitchen ahead of us.

  *****

  "Did you have fun?" Malcolm asks in his truck.

  When we were leaving Karen hugged me and actually said, ‘Rumor has it from Malcolm's ex-girlfriends that he's an amazing lover, Saige. So trust him to be amazing with you, and enjoy him.’ Then she laughed when I pulled away shocked.

  "What's wrong?" Malcolm asks holding my hand.

  "Nothing at all. I'm just thinking about something Karen told me about you," I laugh uncomfortably.

  "Oh yeah... And what was that?" He asks looking between me and the road.

  "Apparently she's heard," I almost groan, "You're an amazing lover."

  "I am," he says so deadpan I burst out laughing again when he grins at me.

  Minutes later when there's nothing but silence between us, I realize I feel happy beside Malcolm. All the nervousness has faded, and I'm excited about our time together.

  I don't fear Malcolm, and I suddenly trust him with my body and with my emotions like I didn't think I could ever trust anyone again.

  Feeling so light beside him, I know I need to be with him now. I want Malcolm to be the man who loves me back normal, and I want Malcolm to be the man who makes me stronger.

  I want Malcolm to be the man who heals my heart finally.

  "I want to be with you tonight," I whisper sounding almost sad.

  It's not sadness in this SUV between us though, it's the past finally leaving me that I feel.

  I don't want Tyler anymore, and I'll never regret not having my father’s love again. They chose someone else, and I'm choosing Malcolm.

  Crying softly, I realize even my beautiful brother Alec would’ve loved Malcolm- I know he would have.

  Feeling an unbearable weight finally lifted from my chest, I think it's going to be okay for me now.

  "Saige?" Malcolm questions softly in his driveway when I don't move or speak. "What's wrong, baby?"

  Looking over at Malcolm's unsmiling, unhappy face I tell him the truth. "Absolutely nothing is wrong anymore. I've just finally said goodbye to them all. And it's time for me to go inside with you, Malcolm."

  CHAPTER 30

  Standing in the steamy bathroom, I'm finally ready for Malcolm. I've showered and shaved quickly, my teeth are brushed, and I actually have my hair down which is pretty rare for me.

  I'm also dressed unlike myself as well. No 2 piece pajamas tonight, or sweats and t-shirt for comfort. I'm wearing a beautiful dark green knee high negligee with lace around the bodice and spaghetti straps.

  I actually bought it over a year ago, not necessarily with Tyler in mind, but just because it was beautiful and I wanted to have it. And luckily, I never once wore it with Tyler, so now it can be all about Malcolm.

  Walking down the little hallway to Malcolm's room I pause until he notices me. Watching him move across his room, he looks thinner than I thought but more muscular than I remember. He's also so tanned this summer, I can't believe he has any Celtic in him whatsoever. With no shirt on in just plaid pajama bottoms he looks huge and sexy as hell.

  "Saige... You look so beautiful," he smiles and I'm instantly less nervous.

  "You look way more muscular," I mumble like an idiot in the doorway. "Um, did you lose some weight?"

  Looking at his body I realize Malcolm is all large muscle now, tapering to his v waist. And I'm staring at him unsure of what to do next.

  "Did you think only women lose weight at the start of a new relationship?" Malcolm asks in a voice I can't tell if it's teasing or not. "I'm kidding. I always lose my soups and stews winter gut in the summer when I'm working outdoors more."

  Actually sliding his hand acr
oss his huge chest down his tapered stomach I'm hypnotized when he stops at the waistband of his pajama bottoms. Waiting, part of me hopes he continues down the path he started but looking at his eyes quickly, I realize he's teasing me with his suggestive show.

  "Come here," he beckons with his hand as he sits on the end of his bed. Watching me patiently, he waits until I finally walk towards him.

  "To the gallows?" He grins.

  Exhaling a nervous laugh, I admit, "No. Not to the gallows anymore."

  "Well, that’s good," he nods pulling me closer until I'm standing between his spread legs facing him. Feeling slightly overwhelmed as I overthink Malcolm only holds my hands waiting for me to settle.

  "Stay here," he rises again as I step back.

  Walking to the bureau, Malcolm starts The Black Celebration CD and I'm instantly dying inside. Excited and nervous, my whole body feels the start of the album with the start of our tonight.

  Lowering the bedroom light dimmer we're bathed in the soft light and comfort of Malcolm's room with Depeche Mode all around us.

  "Pretty smooth, huh?" He asks with cheesy wink.

  "Very smooth. I bet you've done this once or twice before," I growl playfully.

  "Not like this. And never with you," he replies with an intensity that makes me warm inside.

  Moving behind me, Malcolm lowers to kiss my shoulder while his hands slowly rub up and down my arms. "Did I mention how beautiful you look tonight?"

  "I don't believe so," I tease, turning my head sideways so he can kiss the side of my neck.

  "You are stunning, Saige," he whispers before kissing my ear. Biting my earlobe softly, Malcolm whispers, "Just touch," as I shiver against him.

  Feeling his hands move from the top of my arms to slide across the top of my chest, I lean closer to him. Feeling his hands touch the top of my breasts I push them toward him. Feeling his hands slide slowly under the bodice of my nightgown to gently cup my breasts I moan for him.

  Oh god... His hands are so gentle and so big against me, I feel my breasts engulfed in his hands as he lightly pinches my nipples. Breathing heavily in my ear, his shaggy hair tickles my neck and his hands make me crave more.

  Turning to face me, Malcolm sits back on the end of his bed staring at my eyes. Watching me he raises his hands slowly to my spaghetti straps and slides them down my arms to fall at my elbows. My gown actually stays on but my breasts are free for his touch.

  "They're very small," I choke embarrassed when he focuses on my chest.

  Quickly looking up at me, Malcolm says, "They're soft and fill my hands, and I've never seen such sweet pink nipples before. They make me want to kiss them," he groans leaning forward.

  Taking my breasts in his hands again, he kisses and sucks my nipples in deeply until I move closer to hold his hair in my hands.

  Breathless, I feel his tongue and his hands lifting my breasts to suckle me deeper. Moaning with him, I pull his hair tighter to my chest as my body moves closer between his legs.

  Back and forth he moves between my breasts until his right hand moves behind me to pull me closer to him as my back aches for more.

  "Please..." I whimper unsure of what I want.

  "Shhhhh..." he whispers as he moves my hands so my gown slips from my elbows to pool on the floor.

  Gasping, I almost cover myself but can't before Malcolm is holding my hands in his kissing across my chest to my ribs.

  Looking up at my eyes, Malcolm pulls back slightly and as he looks at my body quickly everything changes. Instantly, he’s dark and growly intense, and I feel very attractive when his breathing becomes as erratic as mine is.

  Releasing my hands, Malcolm holds my rib cage in his hands circling my body as his thumbs continue to tease my nipples.

  "You're as soft and as beautiful as I thought you'd be, Saige," he whispers again looking up at my wide eyes before his hands sweep down my ribs to hold my small waist.

  "Let me look at you," he begs.

  Watching my eyes, I exhale a nervous smile as he pulls back a little to really look at my whole body. From my face down and back again, Malcolm looks at all of me as his left hand leaves my waist to move slowly across my stomach.

  Watching him touch me, the contrast between his large dark hand and my small pale stomach is amazing. His hand nearly covers my entire stomach and when his thumb spreads to graze across the top of my public bone, we both watch in silence.

  "Your red hair against your white skin is beautiful. I now know why all those innocent sailors fell for the red-headed sirens of the sea," he smiles looking at my eyes. "I love that you have a little hair here."

  Blushing furiously Malcolm says, "Kiss me," as his hand continues to hold my stomach grazing along my pubic line until kissing I feel his hand moving a little lower.

  Ignoring what he's going to do, I kiss him harder. Pretending he isn't going to touch me I kiss him with such strength he moans in my mouth. Feeling nothing, but hoping this passes soon, I kiss him until I can't breathe.

  "Saige, stop," Malcolm pulls away from my mouth as I gasp for breath. "I'm not touching you," he whispers sitting still though I'm not sure why he stopped when I didn't stop him.

  "What's wrong?" I ask as I feel the shakes wracking my whole body.

  Held tightly, my body is strained and stressed hard. Oh, god... even my legs are tightly closed and shaking as I try to keep him away.

  "Sorry, I- I'm okay," I promise as my body shakes again.

  "Saige, look at me," he says softly until I do. Staring back at his eyes, Malcolm nods when I inhale deeply and exhale slowly with him.

  "I want you to open your legs for me. Just open them but look at me. Don't ever look away from me, okay?"

  "Uh huh," my head nods erratically.

  "Open your legs, Saige," Malcolm says again softly never looking away and never looking down.

  Moving my legs apart, Malcolm croons, "That's it. Just a little more. No, look at me," he says again as my eyes focus back on his. "Let me see those witchy greens," he smiles as I huff a quick breath. "Put your hands on my shoulders and relax. But look at me," Malcolm says again in such a soothing tone, my body obeys and reacts immediately.

  Leaning toward him a little my hands settle on his shoulders and my legs stay apart for him.

  "Just touch, Saige," he breathes again and my body relaxes further. Staring at his eyes, he never looks away, though he does nod at me when I settle. "Just touch," he croons again.

  Feeling his hand dip lower to graze me lightly I jump but don't move away. My legs are apart, and Malcolm is holding me still with his eyes.

  Waiting an eternity, my mind blanks until all I hear is my favorite song around us. Unbelievably Martin sings it's a question of trust in my soul just when I feel Malcolm's finger gently move against me.

  With just one finger he's slow and gentle, and all I hear is the sentence, "It’s a question of trust" playing in my head and heart as Malcolm eases me back to my present.

  Staring at Malcolm's eyes I don't feel any pain and I'm not afraid anymore. There is no past here, and no agony to be found in this room.

  Staring at Malcolm's blue eyes watching me so closely, I feel a tear slide slowly down my cheek. Listening, I hear Martin Gore reminding me to trust Malcolm because, "It's a question of trust," I sing softly filled with such understanding in this moment I can't stop myself from singing that one sentence for Malcolm.

  "You know me, and you want to keep me anyway," I cry to Malcolm nodding as he tears up himself. "Thank you," I gasp leaning forward to kiss him.

  With my arms wrapped around his neck, still standing, still able to run if I have to, Malcolm knew to give me room to run and room to breathe. He knew to stay sitting, and he knew not to tower over me or press me into a mattress.

  He knew what I needed, and I need this with him.

  Moving a little against his finger, I feel the craving for more and the desire for everything Malcolm.

  Wanting more, I feel Malcolm's thumb cir
cle my clit as I move against the finger slowly moving inside me. Rising a little and moving back and forth against his gentle intrusion I take what I want, and give what I can.

  And it suddenly feels good.

  "That's it... ride my hand like you need," Malcolm says so darkly against my lips, I feel my arousal dampen me further.

  "Please more," I beg with a hoarse voice until I feel more.

  Sliding another finger inside me I moan at the slow penetration and lower my head until my hair curtains us together when I move against him. Rising and lowering, my hips sway and my body rocks on Malcolm's hand as he increases the speed of his enter/retreat for me.

  "I need..." Suddenly climbing on his bed I straddle Malcolm’s waist as he adjusts his hand between us.

  Pulling his head back to me I kiss him with the growing urgency inside me as I continue to move against his hand. Kissing him, I rise and move on my knees while his fingers and thumb continue to torture me.

  "I want more. I want you," I groan as the pressure slowly builds inside me.

  "What do you want?" Malcolm begs moaning himself. "Tell me what you need- exactly what you need."

  "You. Everything. I want you and I'm so ready, I promise," I moan continuing to move on his hand and fingers.

  "Let me pleasure you," Malcolm begs.

  "Yes," I move for his mouth again until I'm gently turned onto the bed.

  Releasing his shoulders, Malcolm drops right to the floor on his knees, and before I can acknowledge our change of position, my thighs are pushed up and open as he pleasures me with his mouth.

  Rubbing my thighs softly he keeps me here with him as his tongue penetrates my body. Groaning the quick pleasure, my hands reach for his hair to pull him to me when I feel him tease me with his tongue.

  "Just touch," he breathes against me as I beg for more.

  When I feel a finger slide back inside me Malcolm actually pauses until I move myself on his hand again. Arching my hips I push down until he takes back over when he understands I'm okay with what he's doing to me.