(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "What happened doesn't mean I don't still love you- that I don't still care what happens to you," he pushes stepping closer to me again as Kelsey and the couple walk to a table.

  Looking at Tyler I see clearly everything I loved about him. From his sweetness to his humor, to even his appearance and his heart. I see it all but I don't see it the same way I used to. "You're not the same for me anymore," I whisper so sadly we both tear up a little. "You're not, Tyler. The man I loved isn't standing here anymore and I want you to go away now. I didn't break us, so please leave me alone to move on."

  "You still love me."

  "Even if that was true, it really doesn't matter."

  "It does matter, Saige. We still love each other, even though everything is messed up right now."

  Feeling like I'm looking at a fucking idiot all of a sudden, I lash out at him. "Things aren't 'messed up'," I quote. "Things are over. You cheated and that's all there is now, and you really need to understand that. We. Are. Done. Whether we love each other or not doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. We're totally done, so leave me alone."

  Stepping closer to me Tyler says almost angrily, "I don't think we are."

  "Done? Then you're fucking delusional," I seethe as quietly as I can.

  "Don't swear at me, Saige. And don't blow me off. You might be mad right now, but I know we can work this out."

  Absolutely stunned once again, I remind him of the obvious. "Are you still with Kaitlyn?" Unwilling, or maybe unable to answer, a long moment passes between us but his eyes stay on mine always as he struggles to answer.

  Looking like he's weighing his options I almost walk away but then he finally speaks. "Not really. It's complicated," he exhales deeply.

  "Not to me it isn’t. You screwed her, so keep her or don't. Just know I will NEVER take you back and I don't give a shit what you do anymore. I've met someone else, a really good man, so I need you to leave me alone," I yell turning away only to be hauled back against him by my arm.

  Panicking for one second, I look at his eyes and feel real fear for the first time with Tyler. "Let me go. Now," I snap wrenching my arm free.

  Leaning in close to him, I notice Mike and Malcolm feet from me in my peripheral so the fear vanishes as quickly as it came. "Do NOT come back here, and don't look for me. We are so done, I actually can't stand you anymore. Leave me alone, Tyler!"

  "Or what?" He actually laughs at me causing my rage to spike so suddenly I just hold back from hitting him he looks like such a smug asshole. "You still love me or you wouldn't be this angry that I cheated on you, Lovey," he smirks like a dick.

  "I did love you but I don't anymore. Too much has happened and too much was done for me to ever love you again."

  "Saige..." Tyler growls as some kind of a warning I don’t understand.

  "Good bye, Tyler. For the last time, do NOT try to contact me or come near me again or I’ll get a restraining order to stop you."

  Spinning away, Tyler doesn't grab for me again probably because Mike and Malcolm are like 3 feet away from us, but I don't care why. If he had grabbed me again, I know I would’ve got physical to get away. One, because he should never touch me like that, and two, because I really did feel threatened like I did the night I was hurt. Shaking, I really didn't like the feeling of physical insecurity that washed over me when Tyler was in my face.

  "I'll see you soon," Tyler says to my back and everything changes instantly. From complete disgust to utter horror, everything changes.

  Gasping a quick breath I spin back toward him and when I see his face I know the truth of everything.

  "It was you," I moan as we stare at each other. "It was YOU!" I scream.

  Completely out of my mind, I dive for Tyler. Just barely making contact with his face his shocked look hits me just as an arm wraps around my stomach to yank me back against a hard chest.

  Ripping at the arms holding me while kicking at their legs, I'm insane with the knowledge staring back at me.

  "It was YOU!" I scream again as the adrenaline rips through my body.

  Watching Tyler pushed against the wall by Malcolm's forearm I'm stunned silent staring at Tyler's wide eyes as he stares back at my horror.

  Remembering that night, I feel the punch on the back of my head, and I hear the gravel move and scrub against my face. Gasping, I feel my body huff a quick exhale as I'm knocked to the ground.

  I feel the hands pull my arms backward in a tight grasp, and I feel my legs being pulled apart.

  I feel the agony of having my pussy and ass torn apart, and I feel the horror of my inability to stop everything he did to me.

  I hear the grunts, and I know the pain.

  Jolting against the body holding me still, I know.

  I see it without seeing it at all. And I remember.

  "Why?" I croak as the madness settles in deep.

  Waiting for anything, my body starts shaking so uncontrollably, I actually feel myself die a little. I feel the death of reason, and I know a betrayal I'll never recover from.

  I remember it all, and I know that voice.

  "Why did you hurt me?" I cry out as the pain swallows my past into a darkness so deep I'll never climb out of it.

  Waiting for something, anything to make sense, Tyler stands still staring at me with wide eyes. He isn't blinking and he hasn't moved. Malcolm is still holding him pressed against the wall saying something right in his face, but Tyler isn't even trying to fight.

  With the darkest eyes I've ever seen, Tyler is telling me something I can't understand.

  He is telling me, and like a slow funnel pouring knowledge into my brain I wait for something to make sense.

  I'm waiting for anything to make sense in this moment between us as everything else fades away but our Tyler/Saige eyes holding us entranced.

  "Why?" I whisper once more.

  But Tyler still won't speak.

  Feeling myself pulled away, I reach out to Tyler when he tries to reach for me past Malcolm’s huge body holding him away from me. With my hands extended and my eyes pleading I need him to tell me so I understand. I need him to make sense of this for me because I don't understand anything anymore.

  "Tell me why!" I cry out as I'm carried backward behind the wall into the lounge. Watching Tyler's face fade away, the darkness takes me so fully, I'm unable to even feel my own body anymore.

  "Why did you hurt me?" I ask no one but a blank wall.

  "Saige?" Kelsey speaks softly. "Let me take you to the employees lounge. Come on, come with me," she whispers helping me stand from the first bench seat in the bar.

  Moving with Kelsey I let her walk me because I don't know what I'm doing, and I let her soothe me because I don’t know what I’m feeling.

  I think I've truly lost my mind over this and I don't think I'll ever get it back.

  This makes no sense to me.

  Tyler wanted us to break up. Tyler chose Kaitlyn. Tyler let me walk out and walk away. Tyler did this, so...

  "...Why would he do this to me?" I cry suddenly.

  "I don't know," Kelsey whispers wiping a tear from her cheek.

  Looking past her body to the bathroom mirror I see the pale ghost of Tyler's Saige. I see my haunted eyes, and my broken heart. I see my confusion, and I see the pale death of sanity leaving me.

  *****

  "Good evening, Saige," Detective Mathers says as I raise my blurry eyes to him. "We have Mr. Jackson in custody, but I would like a statement from you if you're able?" Waiting in the silence, Malcolm is shaking angrily against the wall, Mike is beside me on the couch, and Mathers pulls up the spare chair to face me.

  Sitting comfortably, he seems to wait for me to start and when I can't he finally starts for me. "Tell me what happened after I saw you earlier today."

  "Tyler said 'I'll see you soon'." Nodding, Mathers starts writing then pauses for me to continue I think. Looking at me calmly, he doesn't speak but I think he's waiting for more.

  "Um, that's all. I just had t
he feeling it was him when he grabbed my arm because I didn't want to talk to him. And then he said 'I'll see you soon' angrily and I just knew. He didn't admit it or anything. But he didn't deny it either," I add as he nods. "But I just know. And Tyler knows I know. But I don't understand why he hurt me," I shake my head confused. "He could have had me always," I moan between breaths. "I always had sex with him- I was his girlfriend, and he loved me. So why would he want to r-rape me when we broke up?" I cry my final question to Mathers' silence crushing my chest.

  Sobbing, the confusion and pressure is so great, I don't know how to release the pain. I don't know what will make this heartache go away, and I don't know what will make this confusion make sense in my head.

  "Was anything else said?"

  "No. But I just know it was him," I nearly gag as the memories of that night hit me again.

  "Saige, I have to tell you what's happening so you're fully aware. Mr. Jackson has denied all involvement and he had an alibi that night."

  "But-"

  "We're going to hold him overnight, and I promise you I’ll be looking into his alibi again. However, I want you to understand he will most likely be released tomorrow because unless he confesses we have nothing I can charge him with."

  "But she says it was him!" Malcolm finally speaks. "For fuck's sake, do something," Malcolm yells pointedly at Detective Mathers. "She said it was him!"

  "No, she said she feels like it was him." Turning back to me Mathers sounds exhausted. "You can't remember him specifically as your attacker, and there’s no confession of guilt. So at this point I have nothing concrete to charge him with. As a stretch, I could maybe charge him with domestic battery because he grabbed your arm in front of many witnesses. But other than that I don't actually have a confineable offense unless a DNA match can be made against your glass door to prove stalking. Then maybe I have something solid against him," he looks at Malcolm quickly. "But he'll be released regardless while we wait."

  "It was him," I state for the first time with absolute conviction.

  "And I believe you. But without proof, or an eyewitness account, or even a clear visual account or memory by you there's very little I can do tonight. But as I said, I’ll be looking into his whereabouts that night and speaking with his alibi again."

  "It was him," I moan again because that's all I know right now.

  "I understand," he nods. "But I want you to be aware that he’ll be out at the latest tomorrow afternoon. However," he adds quickly when Malcolm begins to interrupt. "We’ll make sure he understands he is to stay far away from you, with absolutely no contact in person or by phone. And if he does contact you in any way, you are to call the police immediately and reference this case number," he adds handing me his business card again with his cell and a case number on the back.

  "What does she do?" Mike asks to my relief because I can't even think straight anymore. "She's moved out of her apartment, and we've all told him to leave her alone, but he keeps coming around and he won't stop bothering her."

  "He'll be locked up for at least a 24 hour hold. Then I suggest you speak with the county courthouse on Monday morning to start proceedings for a restraining order. Use my name as responding Officer and this case number and it should go through fairly quickly."

  "And then what? He attacks her again? Or rather he tries to? What the hell are the police actually doing for her?" Malcolm yells again clearly losing his shit.

  "We're investigating, Mr. MacNeil," Mathers says like he's saying something without saying it to Malcolm. I'm so goddamn confused and broken right now though I can't figure anything out.

  "What does she do?" Mike asks again looking between Mathers and Malcolm.

  "Do what you normally do, and try to not let this turn your life upside down. Go to work, be with your friends, and go home. Just be extra careful, and watch where you go and with whom."

  "She'll be with me," Malcolm snaps at Mathers again who ignores him.

  "And if I was talking to my own daughter I might tell her to carry a weapon of some kind with her at all times. But I'm not speaking to my daughter so I would never say something illegal like that," he stares unmoving at me and Mike. Waiting for us to clue in I think, both Mike and I nod to his sharp nod as he stands. "Okay, if there's nothing else, I'll let you go now. But again, feel free to contact me if you think of anything that can help the investigation."

  "Thank you," I mumble because I'm supposed to.

  "I'll call your cell tomorrow the very second he's released to let you know."

  "Okay." Leaning over me, Mathers offers his hand once again before leaving us in the quiet of our employee lounge.

  "You can't keep going through this," Malcolm says angrily after Mathers leaves.

  "And you can't keep doing this, Malcolm. I'm going to move my stuff out first thing in the morning when Tyler’s still in jail so I can leave your house safely. I don't want you around this, and I don't want you to keep dealing with all my shit because you're babysitting me."

  "I'm not babysitting you, and you're going nowhere."

  "Malcolm, please... You work to support yourself, and because of me and driving me around and picking me up all the time you keep missing work and hours and I know that must hurt you financially. I'm so sorry for all of this," I burst into tears again. "I have to leave your house. God, what if he comes back?" I choke back the agony ripping me apart at the memory of what Tyler did to me.

  "He won't. He may know where I live but he won't be that stupid."

  "You don't know that."

  "We have an alarm at the house."

  "But you have to-"

  "Be here for you right now, Saige. We're together now, and I love you. And I'm going to fix this for you," Malcolm says practically begging me to understand as he kneels down in front of me.

  "You keep saying that, but you can't fix this," I moan sadly actually seeing our relationship ending before my eyes. "You can't help me, Malcolm."

  Taking my hands, Malcolm exhales slowly, "I absolutely can, and I will. I'm going to figure all this shit out for you."

  "Saige, honey, you have to go home with Malcolm right now. Just go home and relax and be safe for tonight. Okay?" Mike begs himself as I stare at Malcolm's stubborn face waiting for me to agree.

  "Thank you," I cry overwhelmed by Malcolm’s kindness once again.

  Hugging me to his side Mike kisses my head before rising from the couch. "I'm going back out there, but take as long as you need."

  "Thanks, Mike," Malcolm nods never looking away from my eyes.

  Still freaking out, I look down at my shaking hands in my lap and I just can't believe what's happened.

  Jolting aware of my surroundings when Malcolm sits on the couch I realize I’m lost. I’m overwhelmed and confused and when he takes my hand I look at Malcolm with more confusion. Honestly, he must think I'm a psycho after all the drama he's seen with me so far.

  "Malcolm,” I sigh in our silence. “You've never seen me normal yet.”

  "I have seen you normal," he leans against me squeezing my hand. "I've seen you laugh normally, and cry, and fight, and even sleep with me. You're normal, Saige- you're just in abnormal circumstances right now."

  "Oh, god... I totally lost it out there," I burst out laughing as I cover my face.

  "Saige... I promise you I'm not thinking about that or judging your reaction. No one is. That was so awful and scary and just unbearable to watch for all of us. You having to face that fucking asshole who hurt you is the only thing we're going to remember about today."

  "It was bad, huh?"

  Nodding, Malcolm looks wordless until he says nearly silently, "I'll never forget how you looked. The fear and shock and pain on your face was something I'll never forget as long as I live."

  Sitting in silence again, I try to put Tyler out of my mind. I try, but obviously everything we've ever said or done together is playing out. I remember everything amazing between us one moment, and then I remember the feeling of his fing
ers tearing inside me thrusting hard as I heard his belt buckle jangle.

  Thinking of the quick painful entry in my broken body I cringe and moan, "I know it was him. And I don't understand why or how he could do that to me. It makes no sense, Malcolm."

  Pulling me tighter in his arms, Malcolm huffs before speaking like he’s looking for the right words. "I don't know how or why, baby. But you need to stop thinking about him tonight. Just stop for now until the shock fades and then hopefully you can remember something from that night that'll help the police."

  "I can't stop thinking about him."

  "Try to make yourself stop for now," Malcolm hugs me warm as we silence.

  *****

  Leaving for his home 15 minutes later, Malcolm leans me against his truck. "Are you okay?" He reaches for my face then stops before touching me.

  Looking at Malcolm, he stands still and quiet waiting for me to make the first move so he doesn’t frighten me, I think. Loving his sweetness, I hug him tightly and soak in his warmth for a long moment before he opens my door for me.

  Sitting silently in his SUV, I don't even realize we're driving until I see Malcolm turn to look at me once we pull out of the alley.

  Closing my eyes as I lean my head back, Malcolm squeezes the hand on my leg once in a while. But besides that little gesture of his, the radio is off, he's not speaking, and my mind spins and swirls around Tyler's face staring at me the second I knew what he did to me.

  Thinking back to the look on his face, he was both scared and angry and I'm not sure why. When he hurt me he was clearly angry, so why be angry now? And when he hurt me he wasn't scared at all, so why be afraid now?

  Tyler’s expression, almost imploring me to say something between us was the strangest moment of confusion I've ever felt in my life.

  And I wish he had told me why.

  After exiting the expressway we quickly drive through McDonalds eating in the truck right in the parking lot. I couldn't wait, and as the tears slide down my face slowly, Malcolm doesn't acknowledge my upset.