Guarding Hearts

by Jaycie Morrison

  Bett wished she could see how her mother was reacting to this, but she didn’t want to be a distraction, so she didn’t move.

  “Bett’s presence is like the sun. Hard as I tried to resist, my coldness warmed, my rigid form melted before her. Because she has this light, this warmth in her, along with a very determined focus, when she sets her mind to it.” Mrs. Carlton chuckled and murmured another comment. Rain’s voice had a smile in it. “Yes, that’s true too.” Rain cleared her throat and there was another pause. Bett thought perhaps she was drinking water. “I’m aware I haven’t actually answered you yet, but I wanted you to understand what there is in this answer.” A deep breath. “Bett taught me how to face the most frightening thing I knew—being alive and present in this world. She taught me that the strength of one is not diminished by trusting another. From her I learned that…” There was a longer pause before Rain finished, “That having faith in your life is not a bad thing.”

  Having Faith in your life! When she heard Rain use that word, she recognized it as the name she’d been called after her mother’s death—during her painful childhood when her father had taken her and her brothers away from the reservation to try and make a living among White people. Bett knew Rain meant more than her mother would understand. It was her way of acknowledging her two worlds were merging through their love. No one was talking, so she dared to move toward the den and peek out. Rain and her mother were in a rather awkward hug on the couch. Bett ducked back into her room and started changing as quickly as she could. She heard her mother coming down the hall and stepped to the doorway. “Are you going to bed already, Mother?”

  “Yes. I’m rather tired, and I’m sure you’d like to visit with Gale for a bit before bedtime. I believe she’s missed you.” Her mother smiled and patted Bett’s cheek. “And I can see why. You have grown into a remarkable young woman.” Bett reached for her mother and they had a long embrace. “I do love you, dear.”

  “I know you do, Mother. And I love you too. It’s been really good having you here.”

  Ann looked around. “It has been nice, hasn’t it? Even in your little house in this little town.” She sighed. “I think I’ll go visit Kenneth next month. It would be enjoyable to see him too, even though I’m sure I’ll have to see your father in the process.”

  Bett looked away, hoping her mother wouldn’t see her displeasure…or her worry.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The New Year’s Eve party was in two days, and she should be finishing preparations. Instead, Kathleen stared into her coffee cup, feeling small enough that she might fall into it and drown. That first night after her encounter with Miriam Boudreaux, she hadn’t been able to tell Whit what was wrong. She wanted to, but the words wouldn’t come. A series of terrible questions had begun passing through her exhausted brain moments before she’d heard Whit’s car on the drive. What if Whit didn’t believe her? Or worse, what if Whit thought she’d done something to deserve Boudreaux’s attentions? What if Whit secretly thought she’d asked for it, enjoyed it even? The fact that she was in the bathroom, her stomach heaving, when Whit came through the door helped her pull off her excuse of a twenty-four-hour bug.

  But once Whit was sleeping soundly beside her, Kat had roused herself and gone to the base with none of her usual preparation of hair and makeup. She couldn’t explain her almost desperate desire to be around others, or why she dreaded being alone with the person who loved her the most. She’d felt almost like she was inhabiting someone else’s body, until Bett Smythe, of all people, had come to her rescue. Bett was exactly the level of camaraderie she needed. And within five minutes of meeting her mother, it was easy to see where she got her elegant refinement. She couldn’t help wondering what Ann Carlton thought of Gale Rains, but had no intention of asking—at least not right then.

  It was Whit’s last night shift of the year, but Kat didn’t think she could stand even one more evening by herself. She’d been relieved when Bett and her mother readily accepted her invitation for a bridge game and dinner at her home, but Kat hadn’t expected to have such a wonderful time. She envied Ann Carlton’s ease at maintaining a level of sophistication and poise her own mother had aspired to but never really managed. Instead, her mother’s edgy anxiety always made her a bit frantic, a bit too overwrought to be gracious. Ann Carlton probably hadn’t tucked Bett in at night or greeted her with a snack after school either, but she’d seen to it that someone did. While Kathleen hadn’t ever gone hungry physically, she’d often felt starved for affection. She supposed her father was too absorbed in his business affairs to notice his wife’s disconnection with their only child, or maybe he simply didn’t see such matters as his concern. With no siblings and a nervous—sometimes volatile—mother, Kathleen Hartley had been a quiet child with no real friends. As she’d had gotten older, she’d learned how to manage without that kind of closeness. Eventually, she’d convinced herself she preferred to do without. Or so she’d thought, until Whit.

  Perhaps that was why her most recent fantasies had turned toward a different kind of intimacy. She imagined being held, having her back and hair stroked tenderly, hearing sweet—not sexy—words being whispered in her ear. And the worst of it was, she knew Whit would do all of that, would do it gladly. She had only to ask. How awful that the person from whom she imagined these things was the lover of a woman she’d come to really like, to admire, even. She’d had such fun with Bett and her mother, playing bridge and talking about little, everyday matters. While Ann Carlton’s stories made her yearn for a life of glamour and style in a place like New York, Bett’s conversation was clever and quick, but never harsh or critical. She found herself really liking Bett Smythe, convinced they’d become great friends if she could only get these ridiculous daydreams under control. Besides being physically beautiful, Bett shone with an inner glow. Happiness, Kathleen imagined.

  She sniffed, certain Gale would find her lacking, especially compared to Bett, exactly as she’d judged her own mother’s failings against Mrs. Carlton. It all made sense when she thought of it this way. It wasn’t only integrity that kept Gale from wanting to be with her. It was all her obvious flaws and inadequacies, not to mention the abnormalities Gale didn’t even know about.

  Suddenly overwhelmed with self-loathing and resentment, she threw the coffee mug across the room. “Goddamn it!” she shouted as the cup shattered into a dozen pieces.

  She was reaching for a towel when Whit appeared in the doorway. Hair tousled, wearing only her new men’s boxers and a T-shirt, she blinked repeatedly, obviously trying to wake up. “What the fuck happened?”

  “It’s nothing,” Kat said, aware her voice was shaking.

  “Nothing, hell. You’re crying, Kitty.”

  She hadn’t even felt the tears on her face until that moment. Whit moved into the kitchen, clearly intending to comfort her.

  “Don’t.” Kat stepped back, her hand outstretched. At the wounded look on Whit’s face, she knew she had to say something else, offer reassurance. She pointed at the shards of pottery from the broken cup. “I’m afraid you’ll cut your feet if you come in here. And it really is nothing.” She brushed angrily at the wetness on her cheeks. “I’m just frustrated with myself.”

  Whit looked at the floor and took one careful step into the kitchen. She ran her hands along Kat’s arms. “I bet I could help you with that frustration. It’s been weeks, Kitty. To tell the truth, I’m getting a little frustrated myself.”

  For a second, Kat imagined resting her head on Whit’s shoulder while her lover held her, reassuring her it would all be all right. But she couldn’t shake the heartache of knowing that so much of what she wanted was wrong and that she wasn’t at all the person she aspired to be, the person she should be…for Whit and for herself. If she broke down now, she’d end up shattered beyond repair and making a huge mess, like that cup she’d thrown. She touched Whit’s face, pained by the hope she saw in those familiar brown eyes and the knowledge that it would soon be replaced b
y hurt she’d caused. How could she say no? “Go back to bed, Vic. I’ll join you in a little while.”

  Whit kissed her gently on the lips. “I’ll be waiting,” she said, and Kat wondered how long that would be true. For today, she knew Whit would be sound asleep in less than ten minutes and Kat could simply explain that she didn’t want to wake her. But how much longer would Whit’s patience last? How soon would she give up on an inconstant woman and leave Kat to the emotionally vacant life she’d had before?

  * * *

  “I’m here to get your breakfast tray, ma’am,” the MP called out as he knocked on the doorframe, but Miriam recognized his voice and knew that wasn’t all.

  “Come on in, Jetty,” she said, not bothering to get up. They’d started calling him Jet because his habit of wearing his hat pulled low over his eyes, combined with his longish nose, made him look a bit like the Gloster Meteor turbojet that the Brits had recently put into combat.

  He double-checked over his shoulder that no one else was in hearing distance before he spoke again. “Her meeting with Issacson is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. She’ll be the last one.”

  “And?”

  “And what? How can I tell what the bitch is going to say? You know as well as I do what a tight shop she’s got going with her little grease monkeys. Not a one of them would say boo without her permission.”

  Boudreaux snorted. “I told you that ain’t the way to go. You gotta get a hold of her squeeze, the pretty one. That’s where your leverage is.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Jet was about to start whining, she could already tell by the way his tenor voice rose. “But yesterday she had some old bag trailing around with her. There was no way to get to her.”

  “It’s almost year-end, and every department is going to be moving paper into the colonel’s office. Tell the rest of the guys to keep their eyes peeled. Is Grayson on the gate?” He nodded. “Good. You need to be ready.” Boudreaux expected she’d have at least one more visitor before the hearing. They had to be getting desperate to know what her plans were. She could only hope Rains would send her little golden girl back in. After getting a good feel off Kathleen Hartley, she was ready for another go at Bett Smythe. And there wouldn’t be any foreplay this time.

  For the first time since she was a kid, she’d appreciated the Christmas holiday because she’d used the extra time before her hearing to work on her story in case she needed it. It was all a miscommunication, a misunderstanding. During their tour, the girl had begged for a spent rifle cartridge to send home as a souvenir, but such requests weren’t allowed. But as they were finishing, and the young recruit was getting ready to leave, Boudreaux had given in and was trying to slip the shell into the girl’s pocket without telling her what she was doing. She’d missed, and the girl had panicked, thinking she’d intended something else. It would simply be the girl’s word against hers…unless Rains spoke up with the details of that previous indiscretion. There were probably one or two other officers who might suspect, but Rains was the only one who could give testimony directly from one of her squad members. So Rains would need to keep her mouth shut for them to both make it through the war with their rank intact. Because one thing she knew for sure was, if she went, she wasn’t going alone. She would take as many with her as she felt like. Part of her wanted to do it anyway, if only to see Colonel Janet Issacson’s face when her pet Indian was exposed as a lez like the rest of them. She hadn’t decided about Whit and her frigid redhead. She’d play that by ear.

  * * *

  Tee was on her way to the PX, her mind going in a dozen different directions at once. She knew Helen was upset because Tee had put her foot down and absolutely refused to go to the New Year’s Eve party that Helen had heard about. First, she’d argued, they weren’t actually invited. Before Helen could protest, she’d added, “And for another, I don’t consider it safe. You’re the one who said we had to be careful now.” Helen didn’t say anything more after that, but she was sulking. Tee knew it was too late to get a hotel room, and the last time they’d gone to the Fort Des Moines Hotel, she was sure the clerk had given them a funny look. She’d make it up to Helen another time. Soon, she hoped, hiding her smile. Being with Helen in that way was like nothing she’d ever experienced, and even thinking about the way their bodies felt when they were together made her tingly inside.

  With great deliberation, she shifted her thoughts to the orders they’d put in for the new year. Shipments should start coming in soon. She was making plans for storage and display when she saw a familiar figure walking on a path parallel to hers. She recognized Casey from her Bible study group and called out to her. “Hi, Casey!”

  Casey turned her head slightly but didn’t stop. She was a sweetheart, but you wouldn’t guess it to look at her. Her real name was Clara, but they all called her Casey to tease her about the way she often struck out in baseball. She wasn’t fat, but she was large all around. Solid and almost square, her masculine appearance had put Tee off at first. But now she knew her as a genuinely good person, and until recently they had been frequent lunch companions. She hadn’t seen her in several days and had wondered why not.

  Tee picked up her pace and cut a path to intercept Casey on her sidewalk. Her smile faltered when she realized the people walking behind her were MPs. They were very close. Then she noticed something else. “Casey, why aren’t you in your uniform?” The pain on her friend’s face made her want to reach out, to take her hand for comfort.

  “I’m…uh…leaving.” Casey’s voice was strained, and Tee saw the MPs exchange glances.

  “But you love it here.” She knew this from the talk they’d had after she’d run into Casey at the first house party she’d ever attended. Casey had helped her, back when she was still trying to decide what to do about Helen and God, by talking about herself and her experiences.

  Quickly, Tee covered her mouth in shock as she realized Casey must have been named by one of the other girls that had been called in to the administration building. Even before Helen had pointed it out to her, she’d noticed that life had felt different around the base lately, and not in a good way. There was less happy chatter among the girls who came into the PX to shop, and very little laughter. No one seemed to know who to trust, and even best friends kept their distance from each other. After the MPs came to their barracks and escorted out one of the corporals who had been there before they arrived, Helen had warned Tee not to be so friendly and helpful. “Do the least you can, in terms of smiling and all that,” Helen had murmured as they’d taken their nightly walk around the base. It had been over a week since they’d detoured by the grove for a few quick kisses, and this was the reason why. “They’re looking to get rid of people like you and me, Tee. And there won’t be no second chances like there was with Lieutenant Rains.” Oh, Casey, Tee thought. I’m so, so sorry.

  “I’m being discharged, and I guess—” Casey’s voice caught and Tee felt her heart seize. Casey cleared her throat a couple of times. “I guess this is goodbye. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell…everyone.” She widened her eyes meaningfully and Tee understood. She knew Casey had been seeing a woman from town, someone she’d met at one of the house parties.

  “I sure will, but…” Tee wanted to argue but bit her lip instead. Casey wasn’t the one making this decision, and her distress wouldn’t help. They both looked at the blue paper in Casey’s hand. Everyone knew getting an Other Than Honorable discharge meant facing discrimination because of its negative connotations. “Uh…where are you going?”

  One of the MPs shifted restlessly and Casey drew her arms in close, as if not wanting to be touched. Then she shrugged. “Home, I guess.”

  Casey had talked about what it was like in her hometown, and the story hadn’t been good. “No,” Tee said before she could stop herself. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You should go to one of those big cities in California or New York. It’ll be easier to start over in a place like that, with lots of people and lots of jobs and so on
.” Tee didn’t want to say any more, but she hoped her friend would understand. In a big city, it should be easier for someone who looked like Casey to find friends, a new community, a new life. “And you write and tell me where you end up, okay?”

  Casey’s eyes darted from side to side. “That might not be a good idea, Tee.”

  “I don’t care.” Tee spoke louder, making sure the MPs could hear. “You’re my friend, and you’ve been nothing but good and decent to me. And if we’re not free to be friends with whoever we choose, then I’d like to know what we’re fighting for.” She stepped forward and put her arms around Casey’s broad shoulders. “I’ll miss you.” Her voice was a whisper now. She felt Casey tremble, heard her choking back a sob. Tee felt her own tears well up. She knew with all the certainty in her heart that this was wrong, but she didn’t know what else to do.

  “Let’s go, Section Eight,” the male MP said. As he led Casey away, the female MP gave Tee a long look. Tee met her gaze defiantly, something she might not have been able to do only a few weeks ago. But she and Reverend Culberson had been talking about courage lately—specifically, the kind of courage it took be the person you were meant to be. Tee could only hope that Casey would find courage to live her life, and love as God intended.

  * * *

  Rain left for work that morning after two hugs from Mrs. Carlton and a promise to visit New York soon. “I’ll see you tonight,” she said to Bett, who answered with a wide smile, “Yes. I’ll cook, so call me if you can come home early.” Rain nodded. Bett stepped closer and straightened her tie. Rain couldn’t keep from smiling at Bett the way she always did. When she thought to look, Ann Carlton was watching them with a quizzical expression on her face.