Just Breathe

by Célia Pereira

  I don’t like that smile, but I guess I can understand it, with this whole situation. I look back down at the whiteboard and write it’s close to a ten.

  “That’s what I figured. Okay, I’m going to go over your injuries briefly, then I’ll give you another round of morphine for you to be able to rest comfortably,” he explains.

  I nod and look back at Gavin, and for the life of me, I know I shouldn’t be leaning on him but I find myself reaching my hand out to him anyway. He wastes no time and gently holds it in his, reassuringly giving it a light squeeze.

  Dr. Evans goes through all my injuries and for the most part, I listen intently. Granted, the pain takes up more of my focus, except when he starts explaining about me being placed in a coma. That has me on high alert.

  Shit, now that sounds bad.

  “The trauma you sustained to your brain, caused by severe swelling and a third-degree concussion, left me no choice but to place you in a coma. This allowed your brain to heal and not cause any further damage. You’ve been asleep for three days,” he says calmly.

  Three days. Okay, three days isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t three weeks or three years, but swelling in the brain, that’s some scary shit. I reach for the whiteboard before Dr. Evans can continue.

  What are my inabilities due to this brain trauma? I hold up the whiteboard and watch his face intently.

  “Bailey, as of right now, you are recovering better then I expected. Can you feel your legs?” he questions. I wiggle my feet and try to move my legs. It’s not that I can’t, it’s just that when I try, my side screams in protest. Now that I know I have two broken ribs, I can only imagine how my abdomen looks. Probably as bruised as my face, from the feel of it. The monitors start to beep like crazy, and the nurse in the room heads over and adjusts some things.

  “Her blood pressure is spiking again,” she informs.

  “Okay, Bailey. Let’s take some small breaths, and I’m going to give you that dose of morphine now.”

  I just nod and close my eye. I just want this pain to stop, for just a couple of minutes, and give me a damn break.

  “You’re gonna be okay, baby. Just focus on getting better. I’m right here,” Gavin whispers in my ear as Dr. Evans administers the pain meds.

  “I’d say we have about five minutes or so before you relax and can get some much-needed rest. The swelling in your brain is gone, but we are going to keep you here for the next forty-eight hours to monitor that it stays that way. Also, your blood pressure is a bit on the high side, and we need to get it back under control. Once you can handle the pain without the morphine, I’m confident it will go back to normal. As for side effects, we need to continue to watch for any signs of memory loss, which you don’t seem to be showing at the moment. As for mobility, it seems that you can move but you shouldn’t, given you have suffered severe trauma and your body needs all the rest it can get to heal itself.” He stops briefly to allow me to process all he just said.

  I’m already feeling the incredible sensation of the numbness starting to take over. Thank you, baby Jesus.

  “For the reason as to why we don’t want you speaking, you have severe strangulation bruising in your throat and neck.”

  Gavin’s hand tightens at Dr. Evans’s words.

  “Your vocal cords and voice box are severely bruised. It’s going to take time for it to heal, but you should be back to normal in a few weeks. We’ll have to do multiple follow-ups with a specialist for your kidneys and your throat to make sure there isn’t any residual damage left. I know you may have some questions, and I will be happy to answer them and go over anything you might want clarification on, but we’ll do that once you get some rest. Sounds good to you, Bailey?” he questions.

  My body already feels so heavy and numb, and my eye flutters closed. I think I manage a nod and then the fading beeping of the monitors and Gavin’s sweet whispers are nothing but a memory as the darkness and silence engulf me. Only this time, I welcome it.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Gavin

  I watch Bailey sleep a while before stepping out and heading to the hospital cafeteria to grab some coffee. Ash usually brings breakfast for me but I need the caffeine right now. Everything still feels so surreal to me. I’m still adjusting to the fact that Bailey almost died…and it was my fault. I was such a coward. So what if she didn’t tell me? If I were in her shoes, I would have been damn nervous and terrified to tell her, too. Fuck! She has every right not to give me a second chance. To second-guess me. I don’t deserve her or Logan but I can’t live without them. I’m a selfish bastard but I’m not giving up on them. I can’t.

  “You about done with the self-pity party yet or you still need another minute?” I look over my shoulder and find Hunter standing just a few feet away from my table. Shit, guess I’ve been sitting here longer than I realized, Logan must have freaked out when he didn’t see me in the room, and what if Bailey woke up? I get up abruptly but Hunter steps closer and shoves me back into my seat.

  “Ash is off today and is sitting with Logan. Bailey still hasn’t woken up,” he explains.

  “She came to last night.” I breathe out, still trapped in my thoughts.

  “And?” He sits up a little straighter. I take a deep breath and look in his direction.

  “Listen, man, I just wanna say thanks for everything. I don’t know how I would have been able to stay here with Bailey, take care of Logan, and handle the shop. Anything you need, ever, I got you.”

  “Seriously, dude, I should just punch you in the face. I already told you, we’re brothers, it’s what we do. Now, Bailey came to, so what the fuck are you doing sitting here alone and moping about?” Hunter insists.

  “It was a shitstorm last night. She came to but was in a panic and in so much pain. Her blood pressure spikes every time the meds wear off and the pain comes back. Doc says it’s because of the morphine and coming out of the induced coma. She came to again earlier this morning, and this time she wasn’t in such a panic, but of course, despite being in pain she acted like it was nothing.”

  “Sounds like Bailey, all right.” Hunter chuckles.

  Yeah, it does—stubborn woman.

  “So far, no memory loss. Thank fuck. I was dying on the inside when the doctor asked her who I was, but when she wrote down my name I about wept like a little bitch.”

  He laughs out loud. “Sorry to break it to you, douche, it seems you’re unforgettable.” He throws some napkins my way.

  “Fuck off.” We get serious for a moment, not saying a word, both of us lost in thought.

  “How did she react when she saw you?” he whispers.

  I suck in a breath and hold it before exhaling and answering him.“She didn’t kick me out but I think it’s because she can’t speak.” I try to make light of it but Hunter knows me better than that and just stares at me, waiting.

  “I apologized, which is pathetic. She says she’s confused and rightfully so. I fucked up and she almost died… But I’m not giving up on her or Logan. I just have to make her see that again.”

  “If you go in there blaming yourself for what happened, you’re gonna lose her.” I look up and lock eyes with his. His expressionless face tells me he’s dead serious and not fucking around.

  “I know where your head is at, and I’m pretty damn sure if I were in your shoes and that was Ash, I would probably be acting the same as you. And you would be giving me this exact speech.”

  We both smirk. Fucker is right.

  “I know you’re going through all the what-ifs. Even if she told you, or you were there that night, he still would have found a way to get to her. You know why? Cause he was a sick fuck who was just biding his time. He had been watching her for some time. If he didn’t pounce that night, he would have done so when she left work or went to pick up Logan from school. My fuckin’ point is, she’s alive and so is that precious kid. Yeah, she’s beat to shit and she’s gonna need all the help she can get, and if I know Bailey, she’ll fight
you on that because she doesn’t want your pity. You have your work cut out for you in proving she can trust you again, but Bailey cares for you. She’ll forgive you. You just can’t give up.”

  Well, fuck me if Hunter didn’t just school my ass. “When did you get all wise-ass?”

  “Shut up!” he throws back.

  “I just wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did. I accused her of something I knew deep down couldn’t be true. She needed me and I left. ” I ball up my fists. “I’ll never forgive myself for that, for as long as I live.” I clench my teeth just thinking of the way I found her that night.

  “You fucked up, but what are you going to do about it, is the question? You can’t change what’s been done but you can change how your future plays out.” I look up at him in shock at his last words.

  “Travis used to say that to me, ” I whisper.

  “I always said he was the smarter one of the two of you.” He smirks and stands up from his chair.

  I shake my head but have to agree. Travis was wise for his years. We make our way back to Bailey’s room, and when we get there, I remain in the doorway, watching the picture in front of me. Logan has carefully crawled onto the bed with Bailey, where he is lying still next to her, ensuring he doesn’t touch any of the wires connected to her and the monitors. Bailey is looking down at him, and with her left hand, she is slowly rubbing his cheek. I watch them and silently send up a thank you to my brother and their mother for keeping her alive. I make myself a promise that I am fighting to keep Bailey and Logan in my life. Whatever it takes. They are my family. My future.

  ~Bailey~

  When I wake, no one is in the room with me. A sinking feeling settles over me at the thought of Gavin really leaving. Although I’m confused about everything, I can’t say that all the blame is on him. Yes, he flipped out and accused me, but granted I never gave him reason not to think otherwise. I’ve always been secretive of my past. Gavin was right, I dodged talking about my past as if it were the plague. I could have told him about everything when he confided in me about his brother. Heck, even when shit hit the fan I could have told him, but I didn’t.

  Yet, he’s been here it seems ever since I was brought to the hospital and took care of everything when it came to Logan. He’s apologized and promises he’s not going anywhere. Maybe he’s telling me the truth, but what if what we had just wasn’t strong enough to overcome this.

  Gosh, I really wish my mom were here to help me out.

  “Mom! You’re awake!”

  Logan! My sweet boy!

  I look toward the doorway and there in the flesh is my reason for breathing. My son. Ashton walks in behind him and when we lock eyes hers fill to the brim with tears.

  “Hey, Momma. You gave us quite the scare.” She walks into the room and settles in the chair Gavin has occupied since I’ve woken up. Logan scurries onto her lap and reaches for my hand.

  “Are you okay, Mom?” Logan gently tightens his fingertips around mine and just watches me.

  I want to speak but remember the last time I tried I nearly passed out. I nod my head that I’m okay as I hold back the tears. Logan is safe. And belongs to me now.

  “I know you can’t speak, which totally sucks, but this will work in my favor since I just want you to listen to me.” Ash begins.

  I’m not sure I’m going to like what she’s going to say. I look at Logan and back up at her, indicating if this conversation is okay to have in front of him. She understands and pulls out her phone and some headsets and sets up a movie for him to watch while we talk.

  “I’m gonna get right to the point as Hunter went to look for Gavin in the cafeteria and they should be back real soon,” she explains while wrapping her arms around Logan’s waist and getting comfortable.

  “I know shit blew up and Gavin completely fucked up on how he handled things. I already gave him an earful on how he must grovel and crawl on his damn hands and knees to get your forgiveness. But, I will say. That man has been living in hell ever since he found you in your apartment that night, Bailey.” She holds my gaze and I watch as her tears fall free.

  Gavin was really there that night. He came back for Logan and me and saved me. Gavin. I can feel the tears threatening to break free but do my hardest to control my emotions as my body can’t handle too much movement.

  “He hasn’t left your side since you’ve been admitted. He was torn between leaving you and keeping Logan when CPS showed up. When Hunter and I spoke up and said we could take him you could physically see him breathe easier over knowing Logan was going to be safe and that he could stay with you.”

  “I’m not saying for you to forgive the man as if nothing happened, I all too well know what it’s like to have your heart ripped out by the man you love. But I also know that when they realize they’ve messed up and they make it their mission to prove to you that they will never make the same mistake again, they really mean it. Gavin isn’t perfect and yeah, he screwed up, but, Bailey, you could have told him sooner. Both of you messed up but what happened to you was neither of your faults. You deserve to be happy and I know you love him and he loves you. Just keep all this in mind when he goes caveman on your ass and pushes himself into your life.”

  She throws me a wink and I try not to laugh but can’t help it. I wince in pain as a fire spreads up ribs. Note to self, no laughing just yet.

  “Th..ank…you…” I close my eye as the fire in my throat spreads after those simple words. Also, really no talking.

  Ashton smiles at me and then places a quick kiss on Logan’s head. He looks up at her and smiles then removes the headset, climbs down from her lap, and slowly crawls onto the bed with me, trying his best not to touch any of the wires.

  “I love you, Mom,” he whispers as if it’s a secret between just us two.

  I lean in closer to his face and place a soft kiss against his nose. I love you, Logan. Forever.

  ~Gavin~

  We just got back from Bailey’s final MRI scan. Once we get the results and the doctor gives her the all clear, I get to take her home. Thank fuck! The last two weeks have felt like two years. Although, if we have to stay another two weeks, then there will be no argument from me. Anything to ensure Bailey’s healthy and healing properly. These last two weeks have been all about check-ups, MRI scans, and numerous tests. All to ensure that she is healing as she should be. We also got a notification that once Bailey is released, she will need to head down to Child Protective Services to go over all the documentation and so on to be granted guardianship of Logan. It sounds like a headache, but Amelia, who has been in charge of Logan’s case, guarantees us that it should all run smoothly, especially with Frank’s allegations of attempted murder.

  I help Bailey back into the bed, adjust her pillow, and bring the blankets up around her waist before settling in the chair next to her.

  “Gavin?” Her voice is extremely raspy, but she isn’t in as much pain as she was two weeks ago. The doctor has still advised her to keep speaking to a minimum and to write most of what she needs to communicate.

  “Yeah, babe.” I lean in closer and place my elbows on the bed, reaching for her hand. I bring it to my lips and softly kiss her fingertips, and then reach for the soft curls that always seem to find their way over her eye. Her bruising has begun to heal, and instead of her delicate face being covered in black and dark purples and blues, they have now started to turn into light greens and yellows. The swelling of her right eye has even gone down to the point she now can open both eyes, and let me tell you how I’ve missed getting lost in those emerald green eyes.

  “We still…haven’t…spoken about…” She takes a break for a minute before continuing. I reach for the whiteboard and marker, just in case she needs it.

  “When I’m…released…from here.” I watch her for a moment and think of the best way to tell her without her freaking out or getting upset with me. I bring up her hand to my lips again and kiss her fingertips.

  “Stop…stalling.”

&nbs
p; I smile at her and wink. She just shakes her head but gives me that shy smile that tells me she’s embarrassed. I’ve missed these moments with her so much, and I plan to never go without them ever again.

  “Okay, beautiful, but you have to promise me something,” I say, my voice taking on a serious tone.

  “What…did you…do?”

  I laugh and lean in and press my lips to her forehead. “Okay, but don’t get mad or freak out.”

  “Gavin.”

  “This isn’t up for debate, just so you know. Hunter and Ash are moving you and Logan into my apartment as we speak.” I watch for her reaction that she is going to tell me to go to hell, but she just stares at me as if in shock or as if she doesn’t quite understand what I just said. So, I wait…

  She reaches for the whiteboard and begins to write but doesn’t allow me to see. Well, that’s not good. So, I wait. Again. She looks up at me, and with a solemn face that has me sweating bullets, turns the whiteboard toward me.

  Why are we moving into your place and not to Ash’s?

  Is she serious right now? I look into her eyes and make sure my words are very damn clear. “Bailey, listen to me good, beautiful. You are mine. You belong with me—you and Logan. I take care of you two, not anyone else. Do you understand me?” Her green eyes fill with tears, and she gives me that damn shy smile and then reaches for that damn whiteboard again.

  Have I ever told you how bossy you are, Mr. McKnight?

  At that, I let out a laugh and reach up and place both hands on her precious face and press my lips gently against hers. Her bottom lip is not as swollen anymore, but it still bothers her from the stitches. She reaches up and runs her hands along my jaw.

  Tell her that you love her already! Shut up! I’m not telling her in a damn hospital. She deserves way better than that.

  “Does this mean that you’re not mad at me and are completely okay with the move?” I sit back down in my chair and raise an eyebrow at her.