Hearts Will Beat

by E. L. Todd

  I meant nothing to her.

  I slid down the cabinets then sat on the floor. My feet sprawled across the tile and my glass was still in my hand. I sipped it over and over, feeling the ice cubes tap against my lip.

  Carrie appeared in the doorway then joined me on the floor. She sat beside me, not snatching the drink away from me like I expected her to. She hooked her arm through mine but didn’t make a sound.

  I kept drinking my scotch.

  “I’m sorry.” That was all she said.

  I stared at the cabinets on the opposite side of the kitchen. It was where I stored Apollo’s food. The thought of his dinner made me think of the groceries in my kitchen. I made a mental list of all the things I needed to pick up tomorrow. Right now, I was doing anything to not think about Lexie.

  “You still love her.”

  Where did she get that idea from? “No, I hate her.”

  “That’s not how it looked.”

  “Well, I do. I wish I’d warned her new boyfriend. That asshole has no idea what he’s getting into.”

  Carrie spoke like she hadn’t heard what I said. “And she still loves you.”

  My heart stopped beating, but only for a moment. “You’re wrong about that.”

  “I was there, Conrad. I watched the entire thing. The second she noticed you the air changed. It went from cold and docile to passionate and powerful in the span of seconds. And when you turned her way, that heat only grew. It actually caught the air on fire. Love like I haven’t felt since my wedding day flooded that room. I wasn’t the only one who felt it. Everyone in that room felt it too. I don’t know why she left you, but it wasn’t because she stopped loving you.”

  I clenched the glass in my hand but tried not to shatter it at the same time. “You realize that makes no sense, right?”

  “I know what I saw.”

  “Because if she loved me she wouldn’t have left.”

  “She never told you why she left.”

  “What other reason could it possibly be?”

  “I don’t have the answer to that,” she whispered.

  “Well, I don’t either.”

  “Maybe you should ask.”

  I clenched my glass again. “It’s been four months. If she wanted to be with me she would have said something by now. The hard truth is, she doesn’t think about me anymore. She forgot I existed until tonight.”

  “I think you should talk to her.”

  I released a sarcastic laugh because it was so absurd. “You think I should talk to her? If that bitch cared about me at all, she would have reached out to me by now. It’s pretty clear I’m no longer in her thoughts.”

  Carrie sighed before she spoke again. “Conrad, I—”

  “Shut up.” I knew I crossed a line when I said that but I didn’t care.

  Carrie noticeably tensed beside me, and that small action told me I was in for a fight. “Conrad, my husband is dead and he’s never coming back. He’s the love of my life, and I would give anything to be with him again. Sometimes I dream that he comes home, wearing his uniform and completely whole. Sometimes I dream that we have a baby together, something our legacy will carry on for all of time. But then I remember that none of those things will ever happen—because he’s dead. The love of my life is gone and I’ll never feel that love again. But Conrad, Lexie isn’t dead. She’s still here, living in the same city. If there’s any possibility that you can be with her again, you need to pursue it.”

  I clenched my jaw in irritation. “I proposed to her and she said no. Or did you forget that?”

  “Find out why she said no.”

  I shook my head. “I have more pride than that.”

  “Then lose your pride.”

  I took another drink. “You should be on my side, not hers.”

  “I was on your side until I saw the look on her face. It’s clear as day she’s still madly in love with you.”

  Girls were intuitive but I still couldn’t believe that. “With all due respect, you don’t know what you saw. Because if you really saw it, she would have come after me. She would have asked me to take her back. But that didn’t happen.”

  “Maybe it will happen.”

  “It really doesn’t matter if it does or it doesn’t. I don’t want her anymore anyway.”

  “Liar.”

  “I don’t,” I snapped. “I have you now, and what we have is pretty great.”

  “Great, I guess,” she said. “But deep and meaningful…no.”

  “Well, we both knew what this was when we got together. This is a relationship of convenience, one empty of love and passion.”

  “And that’s what you want?” she asked incredulously. “Or do you want a love so strong that it burns you? Because that’s what I had with Scott, and I definitely wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

  I sipped my scotch again and fell silent. “I don’t want to talk about her anymore. Actually, I never want to talk about her again.”

  Carrie fell silent.

  “Do you understand me?”

  Carrie grabbed my glass and took a drink. “Yes, Conrad. I understand.”

  ***

  I didn’t mention my run-in with Lexie to anyone. I didn’t want to be interrogated over it. People would ask me a million questions, and they would definitely ask me how I felt about it. It was easier for me to keep it to myself.

  Besides, there was nothing to tell.

  My day dragged on forever, and I kept thinking about her. Her hair looked so soft and shiny. I remembered the way it used to feel in my fingertips. It always felt soft against my lips, on the nights I would kiss her passionately and never stop. I remembered the puckered look of her lips, when they were swollen and red. She and I had a strong connection, one full of trust and admiration. Sometimes I thought I dreamt the whole thing.

  She wouldn’t get out of my mind and it was driving me crazy. I remembered the way we pushed my furniture to the side and danced together in my living room, the music on full blast. It was one of the first moments when I felt something more than just lust for her. I remembered the look on her face when I gave her that beautiful bracelet. Her eyes lit up in emotion the second she looked at it. I remember the way we showered together, our quiet retreats.

  And it burned.

  By the end of the day I was just staring at my computer without reading a single line. I needed to write a few emails but I couldn’t force myself to do it. Agony like I couldn’t explain gripped me by the throat. Who was that guy she was with? Was it her boyfriend? When he proposed would she say yes? Did she fuck him? Did she love him?

  Why did I care?

  I shouldn’t care.

  You know what? I don’t care.

  I kept staring at my computer but still didn’t get a single thing done.

  I guess I do care.

  My assistant spoke over the intercom. “Mr. Preston, a woman is here to see you.”

  Who? Was it Marilyn from HR? “Send her in.” What did it matter who it was? I wasn’t getting anything done anyway. Maybe if I spoke to another human being it would distract me.

  The door opened and a woman walked inside.

  But it wasn’t just any woman.

  Lexie.

  I leaned back in my chair while I stared at her, unsure if this was all a hallucination. She was the subject of my thoughts all day, so it wasn’t unbelievable that I was imagining all of this. But after blinking a few times, I realized she wasn’t going to go away.

  She was real.

  She fidgeted with her hands awkwardly as she stood in front of my desk. She wore a black pencil skirt with a navy blue blouse. It tucked into her skirt, showing off her slender waist and voluptuous tits.

  I gave her a blank look.

  She cleared her throat but didn’t say anything.

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. She was standing right in front of me, just a foot away. The last time I spoke to her she walked out of my life forever. Now she was here again, seeming just as
uncomfortable as I was.

  I refused to speak first, not after what she did.

  “Is this a bad time?” Her voice came out as a whisper, almost inaudible. If I hadn’t been hanging on to her every movement I wouldn’t have noticed.

  “Does it matter?” There was a pen in my hands so I tossed it aside. I was surprised I managed to remain so indifferent toward her. Maybe I was cool on the outside, but I was spinning out of control on the inside. My palms were sweaty and moist. Good thing she couldn’t feel them.

  She cleared her throat again then tucked her hair behind her ear.

  I hated what she did to me. I would always hate her for that. “What do you want, Lexie? I have shit to do.” The anger was coming to the surface. The sound of the restaurant played in my ear, the distant whispering of couples as they pitied me when Lexie ran off. The clank of flutes still played in my ear, sharp and painful. Everything happened so quickly but I managed to soak up every detail. I even recall the sound of her heels as she turned around and scrammed.

  Now she was more nervous than ever before. Her hands continued to fidget because they couldn’t sit still. Her hair came loose from behind her ear so she tucked it away again. “I was hoping we could talk…”

  “And what are we doing now?” I didn’t care that I was being an enormous dick to her. After what she did to me, she wasn’t getting anything better. This woman ruined me without any remorse. I wouldn’t pave the way for her with gold. If she wanted to face me, then she had to deal with my wrath.

  She lowered herself into the chair facing my desk.

  I eyed it. “I hope you aren’t planning on staying long. Like I said, I have shit to do.”

  Her fingers were interlocked together tightly. “I just wanted to talk to you…to apologize.”

  “I forgive you,” I blurted. “Now go.”

  Her eyes met mine, and there was emotion burning deep inside. “No, you don’t.”

  “What does it matter if I do or don’t?” I snarled. “I just want you out of this damn office. Now go.”

  She didn’t move from her seat, but she did flinch at my anger. “I’ve had a lot of time to think and…I know I made a mistake.” She closed her eyes as she tried to control her emotions. “The worst mistake of my life.”

  My anger faded as I listened to her words. I’d fantasized about this moment countless times, waiting for my phone to ring and hear her voice. Even when I was in Italy, I kept hoping she would be there when I turned around. Instead of saying anything I remained completely silent. My blood was pounding in my ears.

  Lexie opened her eyes and looked up at me, like she expected me to say something.

  “Was that supposed to mean something to me?” I gave her the coldest look I could muster. “You see me out with another woman and that makes you jealous?” I shook my head in disgust. “It makes you realize that I’m actually a desirable man? That just because you don’t want me means no other woman does?”

  “No…not at all.”

  “I find it a very odd coincidence.”

  “It’s just…” She fidgeted again. “When I saw you…I realized I was tired of staying away from you.”

  “Tired of staying away?” I asked. “Well, keep staying away. I’m much happier without you in my life.” I’d never been so cold to another person before, but she made me suffer for so long. If she thought I wasn’t going to do the same to her, she was wrong.

  “Conrad, I told you why I left.” She took a deep breath like she was trying not to cry. “It wasn’t because I didn’t love your or didn’t want you. You knew that.”

  My head snapped in her direction. The words replayed in my mind, but they didn’t make sense. I never knew why she left without saying a word to me. The entire thing had been a mystery to me. “What the hell are you talking about? You never told me a damn thing.”

  She took another deep breath like she was battling the tears. “I slipped the note under your door…the night after it happened.”

  I didn’t recall a note. “There was no note, Lexie.”

  “Yes, there was,” she whispered.

  “I was in Italy for a month. After I came back, I moved. And I assure you there was nothing there.”

  Her eyes fell in sadness. “So, this entire time you didn’t know why I said no?”

  “No. But I really don’t care.” Actually, I did care. And I felt weak that I was desperate for this answer. My blood screamed in protest because my entire body needed this answer in order to function.

  “Now I understand why you didn’t contact me…” She was much thinner than she used to be, dropping at least ten pounds. Instead of being the strong and independent woman I once knew, she was weak.

  But that didn’t stop me from being angry. “You expected me to contact you?” Her words were almost laughable. “You’re the one who walked out on me, Lexie. Fuck no, there’s not a single reason I would come after you.”

  “Would it matter if I told you I regretted it?” she whispered. “That I’ve been absolutely miserable since the moment you walked out of my life?” Her eyes coated with tears but the drops didn’t form.

  “You really looked miserable with that pretty boy on your arm…”

  “It was just a date…nothing serious.” She averted her gaze because she couldn’t hold my look.

  Whatever the relationship was it didn’t matter. I didn’t like it.

  Lexie continued to fidget again. “That woman…was she your date?”

  “My girlfriend.” I wanted to hurt her so damn much. I wanted her to break into a million pieces just the way I had. I needed her to suffer, to understand exactly what I went through on such an intimate level.

  “Oh…” She nodded her head but the action looked forced. Her fingers were still meshed together. She blinked her eyes quickly like she was trying to hold back the emotion burning in her eyes. “I see…”

  “You thought I would wait around for you?” I said with a voice full of sarcasm. “That I have nothing better to do than mourn for a woman who never loved me?”

  “I did love you.” She said it quickly and firmly. “And I still do.”

  My heart picked up the pace but my body remained exactly the same. I knew I was going to regret this but the curiosity was eating me alive. I didn’t want her to know I still cared, that I wanted to know why she left to begin with. She played me so well and I didn’t want her to understand just how much power she still had over me. But I had to ask. “Why did you walk away from me?” My voice came out quiet, like that would convince her that her answer didn’t really matter.

  “You know what happened with Jared and I,” she whispered. “He cheated on me countless times. He betrayed my trust and hurt me so deeply. So we got a divorce.”

  This wasn’t news. This was far in the past. So why was she telling me this?

  “Then my dad did the same thing to my mom…” Her voice caught in her throat and her pitch changed. She sniffed loudly and blinked her eyes to dispel the moisture. “I thought they were in love then my father turned his back on her…for a newer model. He left my mom all alone, desecrating the beautiful life they made together. And he never looked back. I just couldn’t go through that…I couldn’t get married again.”

  Instead of sympathizing with her or understanding it, the rage exploded in my skull. Without thinking, I jumped to my feet and leaned over the desk, my hands balled into fists. I wanted to rip her throat out and watch her bleed to death. “That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.”

  She held my gaze without blinking.

  “I thought you were seeing someone else and realized you wanted to be with him. I thought you stopped loving me and needed to be with someone else. Any of those scenarios would be better than this.” I slammed my hand onto the desk and dented it. “But you’re telling me that you actually left me because you were scared that I was like Jared or your father. That’s the most insulting thing I’ve ever heard, Lexie.”

  She flinched at my ag
gression.

  “I’m nothing like Jared. And I’m nothing like your father. The fact you could so easily doubt the man I am is just…there are no words.”

  “I realize that now, Conrad. I know I made a mistake. I wish I could take it back…”

  “But you can’t take it back.” I slammed both of my hands down onto the desk. “I was happy, Lexie. Do you understand that? I was stupidly happy with you. I wanted to come home to you every single day. I wanted to have kids with you. But when I got down on one knee you rejected me. You took everything away from me and it wasn’t even for a good reason. You ruined me, Lexie. You broke my heart and shook the foundation under my feet. I’ve lost who I am entirely—for no reason at all.”

  She was barely holding back her tears, and she clenched her fingers together like that would give her comfort.

  “If you walked into this office thinking this would end happily ever after you’re stupid. I’m done with you and I never want to see you again. I can forgive a lot of things but this isn’t one of them. All trust is lost. All hope has become ashes. I can’t even look at you without wanting to snap your neck. Get the hell out of my life and don’t you dare come around here again.”

  When she closed her eyes the tears started to fall. She couldn’t control herself anymore, and the quiet sobs started to emerge. She sniffed then wiped her nose, a mess right before my eyes. “I love you.”

  Her words burned a hole in my heart, but that just pissed me off more. How could I feel anything for this woman after what she did to me? How could I be so angry but still pity her? How could I watch her face turn blotchy and red but still think she’s the most beautiful thing in the world? “I stopped loving you a long time ago, Lexie. And I’ll never love you again.”

  Chapter Seven

  Arsen

  “Thanks for watching her.”

  Ryan watched Abby put on her shoes by the door. “No problem. It’s always a pleasure.”