Hearts Will Beat

by E. L. Todd

  Abby put on her backpack then walked to me. “Bye, Daddy.”

  “Bye, sweetheart.” I hugged her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Have a good time with Grandma and Grandpa.”

  “I will.” Abby walked onto the stoop.

  Ryan gave me a final look. “What’s the occasion?”

  “I just want to spend some time with Silke…she’s still a little ticked at me.”

  “She should be.” There was no remorse in his eyes. Ryan was always supportive, but when he was pushed too far he wasn’t forgiving.

  “I thought a nice dinner would smooth things over.”

  “Maybe.” He walked out and followed Abby. “Don’t go too far, kiddo.”

  Abby stopped at the sidewalk.

  “See you later, Ryan. Thank you.”

  “Anytime.” Ryan waved before he grabbed Abby’s hand and walked off.

  I headed into the kitchen and started cooking. I was making chicken and rice, and for dessert I was making chocolate fondue with sliced bananas and cookie dough. Hopefully, she’d like it.

  ***

  Silke walked inside a little after six. She usually worked late on Tuesdays because they had meetings for the curators. She set her purse down then looked at the spot where Abby usually sat. “Where is she?”

  I came out of the kitchen. “Ryan is watching her.”

  “Why?” She hadn’t noticed everything I was doing in the kitchen.

  “I thought it should just be us.” I approached her slowly, trying to read her mood.

  She turned to me with love in her eyes, but there was also fear. “That sounds nice…”

  “I made dinner and chocolate fondue.”

  “Chocolate fondue?” she asked with intrigue.

  “Yeah.”

  “That sounds great.”

  “Nothing is better than melted chocolate, right?” I gave her a smile.

  “Nothing at all.” She continued to watch me but she didn’t embrace me.

  “How was your day?” I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around her waist. My hands expanded across her back and I had the urge to squeeze her and never let go.

  “It was okay.” She didn’t move from my embrace. “Yours?”

  “No complaints.” I leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She responded immediately, like she couldn’t stay mad for long. I pulled away so the intimacy wouldn’t be rushed. “Are you hungry?”

  “Always.” She finally gave me a smile.

  “Then let’s eat.”

  ***

  She had a glass of wine but I stuck with water. I wanted to prove to her that alcohol wasn’t on my mind even though it was. My hand sometimes clenched around an invisible glass. It didn’t feel right not having something in my hand. When I was at work, my lips felt dry and parched. When the guilt weighed heavily inside me, all I wanted was a drink. Being out of my mind was the only solution to my pain.

  When we moved onto the chocolate fondue, she dipped the banana in the liquid chocolate and took a bite. “Yum…that’s good.”

  “Thanks, but I can’t take much credit. I literally melted it in a pot and that was it.”

  She chuckled. “It’s still good regardless.” She moved onto the other items on her plate and dipped a chunk of cookie dough inside. After she placed it into her mouth she moaned. “This is even better.”

  I grabbed a piece and ate it. “You’re right.” I wasn’t much of a sweet tooth but I ate a few bites anyway.

  “You should make this more often.” She kept dipping different pieces inside.

  “I will as long as you want me to.” So far the dinner was a hit. Silke relaxed around me and clearly appreciated the gesture I made. Abby was out of the house and I wasn’t drunk. I was making an effort to regain her trust. She was tired of putting up with me, and I didn’t blame her for that.

  She finally stopped eating and placed her hand over her stomach. “That was delicious…but I can’t eat anymore.”

  “We can reheat it later.”

  “That would be a nice late night snack.”

  I covered the pot with a lid.

  “Is Abby sleeping there?”

  “Yeah.” I wanted the entire night so Silke and I could make love without having to be quiet about it. She and I hadn’t had sex in…so long I couldn’t remember. Either I was disassociated with my feelings or she simply didn’t want me because I was drunk. My body didn’t like the long drought. I was parched all the way through, and I could only assume she was too.

  “Abby will have fun over there. She always does.”

  “Yeah, Ryan and Janice love her like their own.” They really did, and I knew it wasn’t just because of me. They’d grown attached to her just the way I had the first time I saw her. As cheesy as it sounds, it was love at first sight.

  Silke started gathering the dishes and taking them to the sink.

  “I’ll clean them. Don’t worry about it.”

  “It’s okay, Arsen. You cooked so I’ll take care of it.”

  I approached the sink then yanked them out of her hand. “I said don’t worry about it.” Nothing could kill the mood more than scrubbing dishes.

  Silke detected the authority in my voice because she immediately dropped the argument. “Thank you for dinner, Arsen.”

  She never called me by my first name and I didn’t like it. “You’re welcome, Beauty.” There was a subtle warning in my voice. She better not call me that again. I hardly ever called her Silke.

  Silke didn’t acknowledge her mistake. “What do you want to do now? See a movie?”

  I slowly pushed her against the cabinet and pinned her in with my arms. My face peered down into hers, watching her every reaction. Her breathing changed slightly and her cheeks flushed. She held my gaze like she wasn’t afraid of anything, but I spotted the slight parting of her lips.

  She wanted me.

  I rubbed my nose against hers slowly, my hands still boxing her in. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.”

  My hand moved into her hair and I got a good grip on it near her skull. I tugged on it slightly until her lips were upturned to me. She needed to know I was sorry, but she also needed to understand that she was still mine. I gently pressed my lips to hers and gave her a slow embrace. It was so soft it was almost painful. Her mouth wanted to move faster but I wouldn’t allow it. I wanted to make her want me, to make her remember why she chose me to begin with.

  When she started to pant into my mouth and ran her hands down my chest, I knew she didn’t want to wait any longer. She gripped me tightly like the tantalizing kiss was making her suffer irrevocably.

  Tonight would be about her. I would make her fall for me again, make her remember why I was the only man she should ever be with. I knew I fucked up and I was still a little fucked up in the head, but I deserved her nonetheless.

  Effortlessly, I lifted her into the air and felt her legs wrap around my waist. They clung to me tightly on impact. Still kissing her, I carried her into our bedroom and lay her on the bed. Once she was there, I unbuttoned her jeans and slowly pulled them down her legs, revealing the fair skin I adored. I held her gaze the entire time, trying to keep her hot despite the shedding of her clothes. Then I pulled her thong off and revealed the sight of her nub. I’d been with many women, but Silke had the best pussy by far. It was sweet but also sour. It was tight and always so wet. I loved tasting her and feeling her stretch when I was inside her.

  I pulled her hips to the end of the bed then immediately pressed my face between her legs. My lips found her lips and I separated them with my tongue. Silke’s hands immediately moved to my forearms, and she writhed and moved on the bed, arching her back like a cat and making sexy noises.

  All I wanted was to please her, to worship her tonight. There was no better apology than one in the form of an orgasm. My tongue circled her clit and I tasted her on my tongue. She was wet from my ministrations but also from my saliva. Going down on girls wa
s usually a chore, but I enjoyed it with Silke. It wasn’t just because it made her feel good. I did it because I loved her every inch of her, especially the area between her legs. She was all mine and I loved to cherish her.

  Within a few minutes she released a cry of pure joy as I made her come hard. Her nails dug into the skin of my forearm and she yanked me closer to her, wanting more as she rode her high until it finally faded away. When she was finished she caught her breath, her chest expanding deeply with every breath she took.

  I moved on top of her and returned my hand to her hair. She had a dreamy look in her eyes, like she was somewhere far away. Despite the taste on my lips, I kissed her. The embrace was slow and gentle like before. I wasn’t in a hurry to be inside her. All I was doing was silently apologizing, giving her a reason to let me in again. I knew I really hurt her with my stupidity. She said it was in the past but I didn’t really believe that.

  I scooted her up the bed until her head was on the pillow. Then my lips caressed her everywhere, kissing the skin of her shoulder then sucking her delicate nipples. My hands grazed over her body, worshipping it just the way my lips did. I kissed her slender stomach and my tongue found her navel. Then I ran my tongue along her hips, tasting the distant sweat.

  Her hands moved up my chest then she gently pulled me toward her, telling me what she wanted. I’d made love to her enough times to understand what her favorite position was. She constantly gave subtle indicators, probably assuming I hadn’t figured it out on my own.

  But I did.

  I moved up her body again then shoved a pillow under her hips. Her pelvis tilted up, giving me more access to her back wall. I widened her legs with my arms then positioned myself at her entrance. She tensed in anticipation, waiting for me to stretch her the way she liked.

  I slowly inserted myself, feeling her abundant wetness. She was tight, or my cock was just big. I moved entirely within her and felt the constriction around my shaft. The head of my cock burned in pleasure from feeling her so intimately. But I controlled myself because this entire rendezvous was about her.

  Her nails immediately moved to my back and she released a satisfied sigh as I filled her as a man should. There was no extra space left. I put my weight on my arms and leaned far over her. Then I began to move, slowly but with purpose.

  Silke enjoyed every second of it, tugging on me harder or feeling my rock-hard chest. Sometimes she bit her bottom lip and sometimes she moaned uncontrollably. Seeing her enjoy me so profoundly made me want to fill her to the brim.

  The headboard smacked into the wall with every thrust, and her moans started to coincide with the sound. I didn’t move fast because speed didn’t make the sex better. It was the way Silke felt that mattered. I knew she liked it like this, when I took my time and stared into her eyes.

  I gave her a gentle kiss as I kept moving inside her. “Beauty.” That name was both heartfelt and sexy. I said it in the tenderest moments, when my heart and soul were in her palm.

  “Beast.” Her hands cupped my face as she rocked into me from below. Her breathing changed, becoming deeper and rugged. Then she stopped breathing altogether, holding her breath before the final explosion. When she spiraled she moaned incoherent words. The only thing I managed to pick up on was my name, and that was more than enough.

  When she finished her climax, I let myself go. It was a miracle I lasted this long at all. I’d been living in a desert until this point. When my balls slightly pulled up and everything felt hot, I knew I was on the edge of ecstasy. I gave her a slow kiss before I released inside her. I moaned loudly because it felt so good. I could feel my seed inside her, exactly where I left it.

  Silke ran her fingers through my hair and kissed my chest, adoring me because I satisfied her. Her eyes were full of fatigue but she was obviously at peace.

  I pulled out of her then rolled onto my back. I was far too tired to clean up. Instead, I just lay there. When Silke moved into my side and cuddled with me, I knew she forgave me for all the shit I pulled.

  I pressed a kiss to her forehead and felt the sweat there. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  ***

  Ryan came by the shop the next day. “Lunch?”

  I looked up from my desk. “I don’t have much time today.”

  “Payday?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, my workers pester me about the checks too. They hang around the shop until they are finally signed.”

  “I need to set up direct deposit but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.”

  He sat in the chair. “So…how’d it go last night?”

  I told Ryan everything but discussing Silke was a little awkward since she was his daughter. If it were another woman, I would tell him every detail. “I think I made up for a lot of the damage I caused. I made her dinner and dessert and we talked.”

  “That’s good,” Ryan said. “Honestly, I was worried.”

  “I was too.” Silke and I went to a dark place, one I didn’t think we could ever come back from.

  “You seem a lot better since I straightened you out.”

  I shrugged. “My behavior is better but I wouldn’t say I’m better.”

  Ryan regarded me without judgment in his eyes. “Maybe you should see a therapist, Arsen. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help.”

  “And what would that do?” I tried not to sound rude but it came out that way.

  “How will you know unless you go?”

  No one could help me through this. My mother was gone and I could have stopped it—but I didn’t. There was too much regret and guilt going on inside me. I knew I would never be the same, even with Silke by my side. She used to be able to fix everything, but this was one exception. “And therapy isn’t for me.”

  “Do you want to talk to me about it?” Ryan asked calmly.

  “There’s nothing new to say.”

  “So, you’re just going to ignore it?”

  “Ignore it?” I asked. “I never ignore it. It consumes me every day. Maybe when enough time passes things will change. Maybe it’ll become just a painful memory. Maybe I’ll forget about it altogether.”

  Ryan didn’t react but I assumed he was doubtful of those words. “I’m here if you change your mind, Arsen.”

  “I know.”

  He rose from the chair and leaned over the desk. “Keep it up for Silke. I’ll break your neck if you hurt her again.” The threat in his eyes told me he wasn’t bluffing. Then he turned on his heel and walked out.

  ***

  I stopped by Levi’s place on the way home. Our relationship was still a little distant and it didn’t feel like we were brothers just yet, but we were working toward it.

  “How’s it going?” His eyes were black and contained his sadness. He hadn’t improved at all, but then again neither had I.

  “Okay. You?”

  He shrugged and didn’t bother answering.

  He had a nice house in the city. It didn’t have a yard and barely had a garage, but it was still a nice piece of real estate.

  “I think I’m going to sell it.” His words came out without preamble.

  “Why?”

  “Her ghost…it’s everywhere.”

  “Oh…” I could only imagine.

  “It’s been weeks but…I’m in the same place.” He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall. “What about you?”

  “The same,” I answered.

  “They say these things get easier in time…but what if they’re just saying that?”

  “They might be.”

  “There are so many good memories here but now they suffocate me. I don’t think I can stand it much longer.”

  “Then sell it.”

  “But I feel guilty for selling the house I shared with my mom. There are still marks from the grease fire she caused. There are still dents from the times she opened the door too quickly. Can I really just walk away from that?”

  I kept my mouth s
hut.

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Give it some time.”

  Levi grabbed a beer from the fridge and handed it to me.

  I eyed it with desire but managed to say no. “No, thank you.”

  He kept the beer for himself and didn’t question it.

  “Didn’t you mention you had a girlfriend?”

  “I don’t have a girlfriend,” he answered. “But I’m seeing someone.”

  “What’s she like?”

  “Pretty, funny, perfect.”

  “It sounds like she’s going to be your girlfriend very soon.” I sat on the couch and stared at the blank TV.

  “Maybe…someday.” He sat beside me and sighed.

  It made me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one struggling. But it also made me feel worse. I felt like I was watching myself from an outside point of view. There were circles under my eyes, and it seemed like every breath was more painful than the last.

  “How are things with Silke?” he asked.

  “Fine.” I hadn’t told him about all the drama.

  “You’re lucky to have her. She seems pretty incredible.”

  “She is…”

  “Abby is good?”

  “Yeah. I put on a brave face around her. She already lost her mother so she’s suffered enough.”

  He nodded in agreement. “You want to go out?”

  “And do what?”

  “Get dinner and drinks.”

  I didn’t see the harm in it. Levi looked like he needed a friend, and I knew I needed someone too. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” I pulled out my phone and texted Silke. I’m having dinner with Levi tonight. Just wanted to let you know. I always told her where I was and what I was doing. It was a habit I couldn’t break.

  Have fun. I’m sure Levi could use the company.

  I’ll be home later.

  Okay. Love you.

  I smiled at the message. Things were already back to normal. Love you too.

  ***

  Levi ordered a scotch. “And he’ll have one too.”

  “No thanks.” I said it quickly and it almost came off rude.

  Levi gave me a surprised expression. “You’re going to make me drink alone?”

  “I just…” I didn’t want to get into my personal bullshit.